Author's Notes: This is just a post 10x04 one shot that I started when the episode aired and never finished. I had some time with weekend and was bored so it got completed :) This takes place right after Alex finds out the results of the paternity test and stalks off.
The title comes from the Thompson Square song, "If I Didn't Have You." I'm not a huge country fan, but those lyrics make me think of Alex & Jo.
Rating: T I think. Mild references to past abuse and very, very brief reference to sex. Blink and you'll miss it.
Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing fictional characters as an escape from my own crazy life. I own nothing related to Grey's.
Alex sat staring at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. Why the hell does something bad always happen just when life begins to really make sense? He cursed his luck. Out of all the places in the world, his father would crash a car in Seattle; and out of all the hospitals in the world he had to be brought to Grey-Sloan.
He tried to get his father's voice out of his head, but since he had not been successful in the past eighteen years he doubted he would be able to shake it from his mind tonight. He had fled to the tunnels for some peace and quiet, but that had just made his father's voice in his head louder.
His mind played as a projector, giving flashes of memories he would give anything to permanently bury: hiding in closets as he tried to calm his younger siblings, dishes crashing against walls, practicing lies in the car on the way to the ER, his mother's sobs. But the thing that preoccupied him the most was the fear that despite all his efforts, he had ended up turning out just like his father.
He was ashamed of how he had reacted when Jo told him the blood test results. Kicking objects was one of his father's favorite pastimes when angry. At least he hadn't kicked a person...yet, he thought dejectedly.
He and Jo hadn't even been together a month and he was already showing her his aggressive side. Great. He had vowed never to be that guy, to never be his father, and he had failed. All he ever wanted to do was protect Jo from the big, bad world that she was accustomed to, but he had ended up being just one more obstacle for her to overcome. He rubbed his face in an effort to keep the tears burning his eyes from falling.
He heard soft, even footsteps as the object of his thoughts slowly approached him. She paused about ten feet away and gave a soft, "Hey."
Alex gave a small grin despite everything, but still couldn't look at her, "Hey."
There was a pause that stretched in to an uncomfortable silence. "I brought you some water. Do you need anything else?"
Alex glanced over at her and took in her appearance. She had changed into a pair of scrubs, but her hair was still down and she hadn't taken off her makeup. Her eyes were red, from crying he was sure, but otherwise she was perfect. He hated himself a little more for being the cause of her tears and again stared at the ceiling, "No."
Jo nodded slightly as she set the water bottle beside him, "Alex, I'm so sorry about before. I shouldn't have blurted that out. I..."
"It's not your fault. God, none of it is your fault," he glanced at her again, this time making brief eye contact before staring at the ceiling again.
"Why don't you go home and rest? I can stay and keep an eye on him and let you know if anything happens."
Alex snapped his eyes back at her, "I don't care what happens to him."
Jo slowly shook her head before joining him on the bed, "Bull."
"What?" he asked annoyed once again.
"Bull. I'm calling you on it. Bull." Alex gave her a questioning look before staring at his hands. "Alex, you gave up an open bar and free food to check on him and make sure he was okay. Not to mention me in a tight dress. You care even if he doesn't deserve it."
Alex let out a sigh and brushed non-existent lint from his pants before giving a small smirk, "I was really looking forward to peeling that dress off of you."
Jo snickered as she hopped off the bed, "Don't change the subject. Just go home and rest, I'll let you know if anything happens."
Alex quickly moved to stand beside her, "He's in good hands, I'll check on him tomorrow. I just want to go home with you."
Jo looked at him worriedly, "Okay, if you're sure."
"I am."
She hesitated briefly, studying his face, "Do you want to go see him again before we leave?"
"No." Jo again looked at him worriedly and he hated being the cause of her uncertainty. "I've seen him enough today. I just want to forget for a while."
"Okay," Jo said as she took his hand into hers and gave it a light squeeze. "Then let's get out of here."
Alex started to walk back up the hall with her before stopping suddenly. Jo turned back to look at him questioningly and he was overwhelmed by how lucky he felt to have her, "I'm sorry for being such a jackass today."
Jo smiled and cocked her head, "You've apologized once already. It's okay Alex, today was..."
"A freakin' disaster. I don't know why you're still here."
He could see a look of surprise in her eyes as she smiled slightly, "I'm still here for you. And I plan to be for the foreseeable future, better get used to it." This caused him to grin as a feeling of relief washed over him. She seemed pleased with herself at his reaction and squeezed his hand again as she added, "Now let's get out of here."