Just like any other morning, I feel the sun's warm and welcoming rays hit my eyelids. They lure them to open. The warmth... it is always so refreshing. It means one thing.
Time to get up.
But I don't want to. I don't feel... motivated to. I have no power to get up. No power to sit up in the bed, lift my legs off the bed and stand up. I don't even have the energy to open my eyes. No, I don't. I can't do it... Not today...
And the same thought lures me in my head... Same thought as it has always been, the thought that makes me doubt myself, my master, my skills...
Too Cold...
I lay still, my eyes still closed.
I have to get up.
But what if I stayed in bed? What if I ignored the sun, the gong, my master? What if I ignored everything? Just for a day. Forgot it all..
They're all just the same anyways. There is no hope. The warmth of the sun is false, the warmth of my comrades are false, the warmth of my so called father... it's all false...
The entire world is just...
Cold.
That's the word I'm looking for. I've been cold and frozen for so long... What else is there? I see others around me, the blurs that know my name and 'cares about me', they give and eject heat and warmth towards me? But I remain. It doesn't even nudge the snowstorm inside me... I can't stop being so...
Cold.
Freezing, I have been cold for so long. Not my entire life, no. But for a long time, yes. Ever since my father trained me to how to trust in myself, learn from mistakes and advance... adapt.. and took me away from there... That awful place masked with the lucky few who got to feel real warmth..
Like a lottery.
I thought it was my turn to be met with the warmth. I felt it. I felt it and hoped so much that things would become better, that I wouldn't have to be freezing anymore. But I was a fool. I didn't know that he would be so...
Cold.
I finally open my eyes. The gong will sound soon. I got time. I got plenty of it too.
He told be to hide the emotions from my enemies. That the key to survival in battle isn't only skill, but also camouflage, reputation, bravery and the so called "art" of being...
Cold... Freezing...
Terrifying.
It's no art. He called it "Hardcore". It's a false word. You don't wanna become Hardcore. Maybe you want to act Hardcore, but you never ever want to become that word. you never want to become...
Cold.
He told me to keep my friends close, but my enemies closer. It's odd how he taught me so much. It's all just one principle anyways. My enemies have been the same. Bandits, a robber, a goose or pig who got desperate... a few wolves who were lost. The man down the street that flipped his lid.
I was so young and I could handle the dangers so easily. It was like a breeze, and I felt happy to protect people... I had emotions and I showed them. I smiled... I laughed. I cried. But nothing I did was enough for him. He kept telling me to become better, faster...
Colder.
Then I realized... He's the real enemy. He's the one I should watch out for. The one who creates the monster is worse than the monster itself...
Show no emotions, show no pain, show no mercy. Become...
Cold..
So...
Very...
Cold.
Why did I train? To satisfy him.
Why did I rebel? To conquer for him.
Why did I fight? To protect him.
Why am I cold? He told me so. He showed me so.
He taught me so.
I started beating myself up as much as possible to camouflage the disappointment I felt when I didn't reach high enough. To hide the tears when my skin failed me and burst. To mask sadness, the happiness, the emotions that bubble up within me. But like all bubbles, they burst. And I sit there, waiting for the to be blown just so I can prick them with my claws before they float too far.
I became Colder.
So cold.
Freezing.
Hardcore.
In the end, I achieved my goal. I didn't feel anything, didn't show anything, didn't know anything besides being so very...
Cold.
But he didn't mind. He almost seemed happier with me when I was a statue that he had power over. He decided what stance I would be in, what place, what time... What expression. I were hard to the core.
I didn't care that much in the beginning. But then... Something happened.
It started to hurt. Frostbite, all over my heart, my mind, my past... It hurts so much. I feel the cold sinking in, pushing, crushing. Destroying the little I have left of the once strong fire within me. The pain...
But I couldn't be hurting. No. I was taught better than that. Feel no pain, show no pain.
If my emotions caused pain, I'd have to get rid of them. I'd have to become...
Colder.
Every second. Just a bit more...
Colder.
My core hadn't hardened fully... Cold wasn't enough... I had to become...
Freezing.
Still not enough.
My insides are screaming. The Frostbite of my painting I've drawn with ice and masks is infecting me. It's damaging my mind, my heart, my feelings.. it hurts so much. All these emotions, this happiness, this sadness, this anger.. Oh god the anger... It needs to be let out! The warmth, the love, the compassion and sympathy... It wants to get out... But now it's too late... I'm Hardcore after all... I can't let it out...
I can't let him down!
Many people have knocked on the door of the glacier I live in... The insides have screamed and banged back, begging for the door to open. But it's too cold. It's frozen shut. People give up quickly. A week or so is all it takes. Then I'm... Safe? From what?
Myself? I don't know. Who am I fighting?
It's not been him... Its not been anyone... Its been myself all this time...
Its been myself that has tried to hide everything in this cold. This freezing temperature in my heart.
At first it was to satisfy him... then it was to blind him... now... It's to keep it in... I'm like a shooting star, packed with energy, leaving a bright trail, disappearing with a flash. I have to stay on course... What happens if I crash?
Should I really get up? No.. Yes... Maybe. I don't know. Should I?
I want to crash. I don't care for the aftermath... But I'm too scared... within all this ice, all this cold... all this rock hard surface I've built up... I'm terrified.
I'm scared of myself...
I can't let myself out.
The disaster.
The Monster.
But it hurts so much...
Everyone has given up. Except... That one person... He hasn't knocked. Instead he's camping outside the door... With a warm fire, welcoming me out. It's slowly melting the door... Slowly releasing me...
Soon it will be over... I just have to fight the
Cold. The freezing cold.
It chills my bones.
I finally get up and stand by my door, straightening my vest and pants as I clench my paws together.
There's a chance that I'll be warm again... This glacier might melt...
And I won't have to be so cold... All I have to do is to sit and watch... As the door slowly melts.
How long will it take?
I don't know. But I'm ready to wait til it opens so I can stop being so very very cold.
What happens when I'm free?
I don't know that either. But I don't care.
I can't live like this.
I must be freed.
One more day. Two more days.
Three more years.
Doesn't matter, I must get out of this.
It'll all be fine.
*Booong*
"Good morning Master!"