A/N: So I re-watched "Casino Night" last night, and of course it hit me all over again: when The Office was good, it was practically flawless. Still, I was left thinking about what Pam was feeling when she had to deal with Jim's confession, the kiss, and the aftermath of both in the space of about fifteen minutes. Plus, I wanted to write her mom's side of their phone conversation. This one's short and sweet. Thanks for reading!
"Beesly residence, Helene speaking."
"Hi, Mom." Pam feels her voice crack. She had been seconds away from crying, and the sound of her mother's voice just pushed her even closer.
"Pammie? Sweetheart, are you alright?"
"I don't know."
"What's going on?" Pam lets out a breath and her whole body shudders. She wishes she were in her parents' kitchen, letting her mom hold her. There, she could just cry for a good ten minutes before actually having to explain what just happened out in the parking lot.
"Jim…" Her head is swimming. Saying his name means he is real, and she is real, and this has actually happened and it is the best thing Pam could have imagined, except everything about it is wrong. "Jim told me he's in love with me."
"Oh," her mom says carefully. Pam wishes she could see her face. Does her mom think this is a good thing? Suddenly she remembers how her mom always stands on her tiptoes to kiss Roy on the cheek at Thanksgiving and Christmas; how he leans down to hug her goodbye. Pam has betrayed them both.
"When did this happen?" her mom says now.
"About ten minutes ago." Or maybe it's been longer. Among other aspects of her personality, Pam doesn't really trust her own perception of time right now.
"Did you know he felt that way?"
"No." She has hoped, and dreamed, and then immediately set fire to those thoughts in case Roy could somehow see them on her face. But she never knew. "I didn't know what to say."
Her mom hums in sympathy. "You've got to be gentle with him, Pam."
"Yes, I know." She is rolling the rubber phone cord between her fingers like it will save her life.
"How do you feel about all this?"
"Um." She knows this is not a Disney movie. She can't just get what she wants and not face up to consequences. To Roy. "I don't know, Mom, he's my best friend."
"I can see that, sweetheart."
"Yeah, he's great."
Her mom hums again. "Are you… in love with him, too?"
An ocean is crashing against the shore of her chest, and she is drowning. "Yeah, I think I am."
Pam jumps at the sound of the door opening. It's him, and he is walking towards her in the shadowy light of the office with his head down and his hands in his pockets, and the small, scared little girl inside Pam wishes that she could just get her mom to be her spokeswoman and let him down easy. She can't handle seeing Jim cry ever again.
"Um, I have to go," Pam says into the phone. She has stood up and turned her back to him—as if he won't figure out she just called her mom to cry about boys like a sixteen-year-old.
"Call me later," says her mom.
"I will." She hangs up and turns to face him. She can do this. She will say whatever comes out, and that will be it. Because he should know that she can't just rapidly change the course of her life in one night. Roy is counting on her to be there. "Listen, Jim…"
Jim does not listen. Jim does not stop at the sound of her voice. Instead, like a man on autopilot, he gets within six inches of her and puts his hands on her lower back. She bumps up against the edge of his desk as he leans down and kisses her.
Pam is thanking God for the desk's ability to support her. She has let this happen. She should've been more upfront in the parking lot. Jim is still kissing her and maybe on instinct, she moves to put her hands in his hair but catches herself. That will only make it worse. It will only make it harder when they break apart, and she has to say everything she needs to say.
Jim pulls back and for one millisecond, Pam thinks it is over. And she is ashamed that her heart has dipped into her stomach at the horrible thought that he will step away and she will never have him close to her ever again.
But he is not moving away from her. Either way, Pam knows she will still marry Roy, and no one will have to know about tonight. So she does it. She moves her hands up behind his head and stupidly marvels at the place where she is used to feeling the back of Roy's neck, where she gets Jim's soft hair instead. The sides of his face are smooth, whereas Roy sometimes lets his stubble grow for days.
Jim is kissing her like, hey, Beesly, how was your weekend?;like the sound of his laugh after she made a good quip about Dwight; like the vending machine M&Ms he tossed to her one by one, over the top of her desk on too-long afternoons.
She tries to kiss him back in a way that he'll understand, without her having to explain anything after all. Like, you are more than I deserve.
Jim pushes her a bit more into the desk. She wakes up. She tips her head downward, and he lets her go.