Why Doesn't Anyone Want Pie?
Do you believe in reincarnation? I do. I know reincarnation exists. I remember reincarnation. Over the eons that this galaxy has been in motion, I have lived many lives. I was predator and I was prey. I was spiritual and I was savage. I was adaptable and I was strict. I was wealthy and I was struggling. Not all at once, of course. But over my lives, I have been all this and more.
Life is precious and good. Being I have lived many lives, I know this and never forget. Others seem to forget, though. Those who cause war will find themselves at war, and often eradicated. Those who force their ways on others, even supposedly peaceful ways, will find themselves hated instead of loved. And there are those who find trade most important, but then it all becomes about the Sporebuck and nothing else. It is very hard to find a balance, as even those who seek balance may go too far. All these are ways of life, and none seem to be any better or worse than the other.
And yet, there is still one thing about life that mystified me. In all my myriad of forms, I have considered science, considered religion, considered democracy, considered tyranny, considered trade, considered diplomacy, considered song, considered war, considered justice, and sometimes even considered nothing. It was all in a search for the meaning of life. In all this study, I have found answers hard to come by. Sometimes you can just forget about the questions, but there is one question I simply could not give up.
Why doesn't anyone want pie?
Oh sure, I tried to call the attention of others to the wonders of pie. A pie is a marvelous thing. Just in that word, you don't know entirely what it is. Is it made of flour crust, cracker crust, or some other kind? Is it circular, quadrilateral, or some other unique shape? And what is inside it? Is it shreds of meat stewed in barbecue sauce made from the drippings? Is it plump juicy berries, recently picked and given a syrup of sugar and sweet spices? Is it a pudding of a myriad of possible flavors? Is it poultry with vegetables and potatoes? Is it a meringue of egg whites beaten into soft fluffy heaven clouds? Is it fruits, meat, fish, seaweed, vegetables, cheese, cream, spinach, gelatin, Spice, what? So many pies…
But so little interest. Why is that? I tried to bring it up to the interests of my fellow beings when I could. As a temporary perk, sure, I found plenty that are interested in pie. But whenever we planned our philosophies for the grand future among the stars? I got shot down every single time. Everyone just stared at me like I'm an idiot, then shook their heads and went back to what they wanted. Nobody wanted to find a philosophy of the pie.
Strike that. I wanted to find a philosophy of the pie. I wanted to build an entire empire based upon the infinite but humble possibilities of pie. It started with my stomach, but quickly turned to my heart, which infused my soul. And thus every single life I tried, I made sure to suggest pies. It never worked.
I was once part of a mighty Viqueens race. We were red and pink puffballs with one arm, one hand, one knee, two feet, and two wings. Despite our fluffy appearance, we were mean little buggers. Sure, we started out all cute and vegetarian, trying to be friendly with all we saw. But then we found great pain in a neighboring creature who would hop over to our nests and slaughter everyone. In response, we became a tribe and promptly slaughtered them, along with anyone else that so much as dared to look at us funny. The Viqueens were fixated with a terrible zeal as we developed.
When we started talking philosophy, the others wanted a city hall, and huge tanks, and nukes. I suggested pie. We could sent poisoned ones to our foes and celebrate their demise with the best pastries in the world. Someone promptly impaled me for that suggestion.
I was once part of an eager Eeyee race. We were purple creatures with lobster hands, lizard body, flashing electrical tail, shark fin, and avian beak. As you may tell from the mash-up, we were curious creatures. We never gave up looking for that next new thing, whether it be a new skeleton, a new race, a new world, a new artifact. We sought certainty in things and soon became adept in making pacts and trades. Although, anyone who tended to annoy the Eeyee would get quickly defeated. Those who showed curiosity were treated well.
When we started talking philosophy, the others wanted a city hall, and shiny cars, and loads of money. I suggested pie. We could research various arrangements of pies, find the best recipes, and then trade other cities our pies for their technology. The others all groaned and threw me in the nuthouse.
I was once part of an earthy Velux race. We were green striped creatures with our heads low to the ground and our flowery tails up above. As such, we were always close to nature and spirits. We believed strongly in a divine guardian of our kind. And, given my knowledge of many lives lived, that may be so. We either had the luck or the graces of Spode to never meet one of those giants who smashed small creatures into squishy remains. The Velux were devoted, although they never saw why others doubted Spode.
When we started talking philosophy, the others wanted a city hall, and divine cars, and more symbolism in the name of Spode and nature. I suggested pie. I say, if you find a being who is down in the dumps and you bring the word of Spode to him, as well as some yummy blessed pie, then he will look upon Spode with gratitude and adoration. The priest berated me for equating such a material thing as pie to the great spirituality that one finds in Spode.
As you see, no one wanted pie. The Sherbet race came very close and I almost got them to a religion of ice cream and pie. I think the pie was what made the others balk, as they always liked cold creamy deserts. And the Bob race thought it was hilarious. But then, they thought everything was hilarious and loved nothing more than to sing. But then they also said a philosophy of pie was exceptionally stupid. Don't even ask me about the Bazil hellhounds…
It got me so furious and frustrated. But what could I do? Sometimes it seemed like I was the only one in the entire Spore galaxy with any interest in pie.
And then, at the end of another lifetime of being denied pastry goodness, I got incredibly lucky. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but one minute I was being burned at the stake for blasphemy to Spode (I seriously did not expect pie to become a blasphemy) and the next minute I was sitting in a chair in some bright place. I couldn't really tell where I was. I just knew that someone was there with me.
"Hello," a chipper voice said. "My name is Steve. You've been a very persistent and resilient soul, never giving up. The galaxy has been a more interesting place because of your doings. I have summoned you here for the chance to become something even greater. Now, what do you want out of your next life?"
I wasn't sure who this Steve guy was (I still don't know). But I knew what I wanted. I sat up straight (as straight as a soul could), looked him right in the eye (I hope), and stated, "I want pie."
There was that usual moment of silence. "Pie?" he repeated.
"My soul has been searching for the meaning of life for a long time, but I have not yet found it. For the time being, I've decided that it doesn't matter. Pie matters to me now. I want a philosophy of the pie."
"That is new." But he seemed to be smiling about that. "All right. If your desire to know more about the pie is true enough, then you will find the truth through pie. That will be your next life. However, it will not be a life as you know it. It will be the life of the species as a whole. It will be the life of your planet."
"The life of the planet? How is that possible?"
"Maxis has left you many interesting notes, so you shouldn't have any trouble. May you find your true nature in… pie." With that, the conversation was over and I became a planet.
At least, so he said. The first thing I was aware of was of a tiny one-celled organism which could not really think, or desire pie. But I found new instincts on hand, maybe that of a planet. If I wanted to make a philosophy of pie, I would have to make the philosophers the same way the best pies were made: from scratch.
I decided on guiding the cell to becoming an omnivore. A carnivore would have no appreciation for fruit and vegetable pies, while an herbivore would be disgusted by meat pies. In doing this, I found that life indeed was unfair and rough, but still precious all the same. Some cells were lucky, getting aqua jets and dozens of spikes. Me? I got a single flagella, a single eye, and one mouth. I had to get savvy with competing and mating in order to develop a more effective cell.
Then my single cell became several cells. As I became guardian to more complex beings, I noticed their intelligence of hunting and gathering starting to develop. It was a little too early for cooked foods, but I was pleased. If I had ever been a tiny being such as this, I can't really remember it. Must be the lack of brains.
After a long while, they finally got a brain. I cheered and gifted them with legs. They came out on land and became creatures. Here, I finally had some dim memories to go by. I knew that good arms and dexterous hands would be a must; they would be needed for all steps to making a pie. And I knew that I had to make the senses right: discerning eyes to read, sharp nose to judge freshness, sensitive mouths to fully appreciate the complexity or simplicity of a pie. I also decided ears were important (to share recipes) as well as touch (to enhance the other senses).
There was a big choice to make here too. Did I hunt the other creatures, to make meat for pies? Not at this stage, I decided. My creatures weren't ready. Did I befriend the other creatures, to spread love and happiness? Perhaps not, as I would be hunting them later on. Did I go for a mix of the two? Or did I do something different?
I went with different. I made my creatures avid about food. They searched out new kinds and traded food with other species. In that, some got angry and I had to give my creatures quick feet, wits, and reflexes to get away. Some others got friendly, but curious that my creatures did not want to sing or dance about. My creatures also gained a taste for eggs, partly because they'd be important for pies and partly because they were a cheap way to advance.
Finally, they discovered fire. They were quick to take advantage of this. Cooking their food made them less vulnerable to disease, plus gave them a myriad of new ways to prepare it. Over the generations, my little tribe began to grow. They developed all sorts of foods, finding out how to grind grain, to make flour, to make bread. They found out how to separate the meats of the body, to cook each part to its fullest potential. They found out how to take honey from insects and eventually to get sugar from canes. And then one of them had the bright idea to make the dough bread around a filling, thus making the first primitive pie. It happened to every species that developed long enough, but it still made me smile.
Other species developed sentience too. My species sent them gifts of food. The warriors looked at them funny, but ignored them in return. The friendlies tried to get them to play music, but mine were too into their foods. But it was one that was trying to play both sides that eventually threatened the survival of my people. They were good with weapons and instruments. One would think that those jokers had cheated at life.
After some battles, it came down to either my people or theirs. I knew that if I encouraged mine to take up arms, they would want to be warriors. And if I encouraged them to take up instruments, they would want to find religion. But then, I had a stroke of genius. I would help my people defeat their rivals through the power of food. In particular, the power of bad food.
As I said, I gave my creature refined senses so that as a people, they were quick to recognize when a food was aged and when it was truly rotten. Someone had found how to ferment things to make drinkable alcohol; I had to be careful with balancing their tastes for that. The chieftain of the main tribe gathered up some wine that had gone particularly bad, along with other infected foods, and passed it on to the rival tribe as a gift to prevent a new outbreak of war. As their senses were not as refined, they greedily took it and following gifts as a great thing.
They were all dead before the planet could fully orbit the sun once.
Now that they dominated the world as the only sentient species, my people started to talk philosophy and cities. It was the moment of truth for me. I had to believe in pie. This had to work. As I had put all my passion into this life of being a 'planet', I wanted it all to go right.
The chieftain gathered the almost-citizens to talk about the future. They talked of city halls; everyone talked of city halls, so I was bored by it. And then he asked for what else they should strive for. Someone suggested nukes. No one was really enthusiastic about that, given the last threat of war that had come to them. Someone suggested symbols of Spode. They weren't too sure about that. They seemed to be aware of me on some level, but they correctly guessed that I wouldn't be thrilled about over-worship. Another suggested money. They seemed hesitant.
And then someone (after my own heart) suggested pie.
Everyone in the room went wild. They all saw the possibilities in pie and the wonder that it had. And not just that, they saw the possibility in all food: pastries, breads, soups, stews, roasts, grills, smokehouses… they got so eager about it that someone suggested delivery trucks to keep foods fresh and everyone adored that idea. So the chieftain announced that for the future, their focus would be on city hall, delivery trucks, and (most of all) pies.
I do believe that it was the proudest moment I have ever had in all of my many existences.
I've succeeded now in forming a philosophy based on pie. When the cities ruled, my people used food as a weapon, a peacemaker, and a trading base, but that was not all that mattered. They recognized that food itself would be everything. And when they finally cracked the secrets of making the perfect pie, no matter the crust, the filling, or anything, they united and turned their eyes to the stars.
If you happen to come across the empire of my people, they will welcome you. They will give you the best food in the whole entire galaxy, which cannot be resisted by any species. Well almost any species…
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The Tablets of Gourmet
I: The basics of life are food, water, and shelter. The meaning of life can be found within these basics.
II: Neither science nor religion can tell you why things taste good. Just enjoy the food.
III: Never be afraid to try a new food. Through this, we have learned that fear only holds you back.
IV: No matter what the species, love can always be expressed with food. So love is important too.
V: Recipes must not be too strict or there is no outlet for creativity. Laws must also not be too strict.
VI: Recipes must be clear or a mistake will ruin the food. Laws must also be clear.
VII: Different people have different tastes, so no one recipe will appeal to all. It must still be appreciated as good in and of itself. So all differences must be appreciated.
VIII: The Grox do not eat. They must be completely unnatural.
IX: Since the Grox cannot appreciate food, a basic thing of life, they cannot appreciate life. Avoid them at all costs.
X: The pinnacle of all food is the pie.
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Author's Note: I'm one of those people who writes a thousand words a day. This happened to be today's writing exercise, but I felt it was nifty enough to share. All the species named here are ones created by me in Spore, save for the Bazils who were created by my sister. I play offline, though. Also, neither of us have actually reached the center of the galaxy, so I didn't try describing Steve...