March 7th is the worst day of the year, hands down, no questions asked. Unless you're Shawn Spencer, then it's on your top fifteen best days ever. Sorry Guster, it looks like this year is going to be even worse than last year, because this marks the 15th anniversary of your greatest mistake.
I own nothing but a POS laptop and the world's greatest music collection. And cocoa crispies.
Burton Guster groaned as his alarm went off; waking him for the day he was already dreading. Maybe he would just call into work, tell them his sick and can't make his rounds. Then he'd call Shawn and tell him he has the route from hell and can't be bothered. Then he would take a nice long road trip and come back later that night, successfully avoiding the inevitable.
Only there were about four problems with that nearly ingenious plan. One, he'd already missed all of yesterdays rounds while solving the Callister murder/kidnapping/arson (it was clearly a mar sapping, Shawn's nagging voice reminded him). Two, Shawn knew when he was lying and was probably already in his kitchen, ready for the big day. Three, he really couldn't go on a long road trip because it was a company car and they logged his miles. And last, but certainly not least, Gus was already aware that Shawn had them on another case that involved intense sleuthing today.
Gus wanted to crawl back in his bed and hid for 24 hours, and nearly did so, had it not been for the loud crash that sounded from below. Inwardly he cringed, so Shawn was there already. That couldn't be a good sign.
"GUS! RISE AND SHINE! I HEARD THAT ABONXIOUS ALARM OF YOURS. AND FOR THE RECORD, THE FIFTIES CALLED AND THEY WANT THEIR KITCHEN BACK!"
Shawn climbed the stairs two at a time, frosty smoothie in hand. He opened his mouth to yell again, but was greeted with the sight of his best friend standing clad in his Thundercats pajamas. Shawn smirked and offered him the smoothie. Gus raised an eyebrow and shoved past his best friend and made his way to the kitchen.
"How is it possible for you to be up at six in the morning? Any other day and you would be sleeping like a drugged baby until the wee hours of the afternoon."
"Gus, I'm highly disappointed, drugged babies? You are so much better than that."
"Whatever, Shawn. Let's get this forsaken day over with."
Shawn grinned and sat at the kitchen table as his friend poured himself a bowl of cereal. "Dude, you knew the instant that it happened that you wouldn't be in for a world of hurt. I mean seriously, who forgets their name on the ACT test?" He made a grab at the cereal, but Gus expertly turned from his reach and sat down with the bowl in hand.
"I had a mild panic attack."
"Pssh, if that what you call gaping like a fish out of water at the answer sheet. 'Shawn'!" He imitated Gus with a shrill voice, " 'My name, what's my name? How can I pass this? They won't know who to give the scores to. What is it? I can't remember!' And then I elbowed you in the gut because the exam lady was glaring at us." He reached for his smoothie and took a long slurp.
"Fine, so I had minor panic attack. But that doesn't justify what you did in turn." Gus glared at him after swallowing a spoon full of his apple jacks.
"Dude, how was I supposed to know you would write 'Alabaster Honeydew the fifth'?"
"Still, you shouldn't have tricked me."
The banter continued on for the rest of the morning. Gus finally retreated to his bathroom to get read for his route, which he was going to have to complete in record time so they could go to the station to get briefed.
"… and this here is my partner Coco Crisp." Shawn ended gesturing to his chocolaty friend. Gus rolled his eyes in response.
"But that's a baseball player," The guy in front of them said skeptically.
"No, I can assure you he is not a baseball player. If anything he would be the Mascot that gets beat up by the other teams Mascot every game he goes too." Shawn said with assurance.
"Shawn, Coco Crisp used to play for the Red Sox. He's with the Oakland A's now." Gus said. He smiled at the man behind the counter and inclined his head. "I'm Gus."
"Whoa!" Shawn exclaimed dramatically, hand finding its way to the side of his head. Gus resisted the urge to roll his eyes in response. The guy they were questioning jumped back slightly, looking wary of the scene before him.
"I'm getting something!" He called again. "It's-it's- it's a name! And the feeling of surprise, and a smidgen of pride, and maybe some hunger. Gus! You remembered!" Shawn said clapping his friend on his back with mock pride.
He turned to the guy in front of them. "That'll be two congratulatory pieces of pineapple upside down cake. My friend just learned a new trick, and we simply cannot pass up this opportunity to celebrate his success at mastering it."
"Um…" The guy said looking around the small book shop they were in. "This a book shop." He said slowly.
"Oh, well then, we'll be leaving." Shawn said shortly and pulled his fuming friend out the door with him.
"Shawn! We were only there for five minutes, that's hardly time to find anything out!" Gus said, choosing to ignore the pointed joke about his remembering his name.
"He's innocent. The perp we are looking for should have scratch marks on his neck."
"He was wearing a hoodie."
"Oh, well the vibes weren't right anyway. Besides he was an alibi."
"How could you possibly know that?" Gus asked as they climbed into the Blueberry.
"There were photos on the counter, with a date stamp ranging from the day before the murder to the day after. He was standing under a "Welcome to Colorado" sign with the date of the murder in the corner." Shawn shrugged. "Now cake. And a trip to visit Lassie. I'm feeling the need to mercilessly agitate him until he gives me my favorite pair of sunglasses back."
Gus turned to look at him. "Those are my favorite pair of sunglasses, and he took them because you threw them at him."
"Like I said, I'm getting your sunglasses back."
"Cake it is then, I missed snack time." Gus said eyeing the Mexican restaurant they just passed.
"By like five minutes!"
"Those five minutes could be the difference between life and death one day. When your stomach is empty it begins to eat itself."
Shawn shook his head, "Man you know way too much useless stuff."
"Damn straight." Gus grinned before whipping into an empty parking spot. "I'm thinking Fro-yo instead."
"Frozen yogurt!" Shawn agreed happily.
Together they entered the small shop going through the list of flavors. "Mocha Caramel Choco-Choco Marshmallow completely defeats the purpose of Frozen yogurt. It's supposed to be a deliciously light and healthy alternative to gelato." Shawn reasoned as they approached the counter. "Oh and I left my wallet at my dads and all I have on me is two sticks of gum. For the record though, no one actually wants to be paid in gum."
Gus smiled. "Only you do." Shawn mulled it over and nodded.
"Wouldn't be so bad. At least you would have dog breath like Lassie."
"True that."
"Can I help you gentlemen?" A young lady asked when it was there turn in line.
Shawn nodded, "One tropical sundae for me."
"I'll have the Mocha Carmel Choco-Choco Marshmallow sundae." Gus said.
"And the name on that?"
Gus hesitated, knowing what was going to come next.
Shawn smirked and said, "My buddy here is a bit shy about his name. You see his mother was really into old-fashioned names. It's actually Ermintrode, but he goes by his gamer name Mortimer7000. So either of those would work. Which is easier to spell, totally up to you."
Gus hid his face and slunk over to a nearby table. While he would never admit it aloud, he had to give Shawn credit. For 15 solid years he had been coming up with off the all names on a moment's notice, all because of one stupid mistake he made while taking the ACT. Despite the awful start Gus went on to score a 32, just behind Shawn's 35.
A few minutes late a happy Shaw sat across from him sliding his sundae and credit card in front of him.
"Shawn, how did you get my credit card."
Shawn just smiled mysteriously. "Perhaps another day Mort, for now we dine on some of the most delicious nectar the gods ever decided to let go."
Lassiter couldn't help it. He burst out laughing at the story that was being yelled between the two resident nesciences. Guster really forgot his name?
Even Juliet was having a hard time keeping her composure. Gus glared at the two of them "I got a 32 thank you very much!" He said with a stomp of his foot. This set them off even more, earning them curious glances from around the station.
Juliet recovered quickly, throwing him an apologetic look. "That's impressive Gus. I myself got a 30."
Lassiter scoffed, "I had no need for that stupid test. I had better things in life to study for, like the Detectives exam."
"Wow, you really do learn something every day. Who knew the ACT was that old?" Shawn said with a thoughtful look.
Lassiter lunged at him in aggravation. "SPENCER!"
Juliet bit back another round of laughter as Shawn and Gus sped out of the station screaming a little too girlish than they should have been. The chief poked her head out of her office silencing them all with a glare. She retreated back into her office barking at Lassiter and Juliet to follow her.
They followed her in and took seats opposite her. The Chief sat in her chair and tossed them a file. "Mr. Spencer dropped this by. He's solved the Carson murder, and it is extremely concrete."
Lassiter look stunned for a moment. "You mean to tell me he solved a case and didn't throw a dramatic reveal? I'm not buying it Chief."
She rolled her eyes. "Buy it, Carlton. The evidence is there and his reasoning was that he had envisioned a night of celebration for something. Guster seemed unsettled by the idea of a celebration, so I'm assuming it's his birthday or some insignificant celebratory day. I don't really care, but you two are on paperwork duty for tonight."
"Table for two under Otis Spunkmiester." Shawn said to the hostess. She raised her eyebrows.
"We don't have reservations, but right this way." She grabbed two menus and some silverware and led them into the restaurant.
'We are celebrating at IHOP?" Gus hissed.
"You're paying so I thought I'd go cheap. Plus I wanted to ask if Eileen worked here. I figure one day I'll be able to track that one-legged wonder down." Shawn hissed back.
"Don't you dare Shawn." Gus warned, but Shawn opened his mouth anyway.
"You wouldn't by chance be Eileen, would you?" Shawn asked the hostess as she seated them. She shot him a glare and said,
"I'm Nadine. And Ellen will be your waitress." She headed back to her station.
"Really Shawn?"
"She's lying. Her name tag clearly said Eileen. She's just touchy because I finally found her."
"Her name tag said Nadine."
"I've seen it spelled both ways."
"Whatever Shawn. I'm getting a Philly Cheese steak with a side of hot cakes."
"Gus, the forties called, they want their lingo back."
"Are you really doing to of that 'the INSERT DECADE called and wants their INSERT WHATEVER back' twice? You must be having a bad day."
"Nah, this was well deserved buddy."
Shawn scanned his menu for a moment. "Giant cheese sticks, pineapple crepes, onion rings, and a vat of ranch dipping sauce."
"You order that every time we are here."
"And you order that every time we are here. I think I'll get some coffee…"
"Absolutely not Shawn. I don't need your snaky ass high on caffeine." Gus said pointedly.
"Snarky? Come on man!"
Fin!
This was a fun little ficlet that has been in my head forever. It should really be entitled "The Reason Behind Gus' Many Names", but I felt that was too long and I'm a trifle to lazy.
Review porfavor!