Take This Darkness from My Soul

A/N Story takes place right after the events in Turn, Turn, Turn. Spoilers for that ep. Thanks to Don McLean for the title. If you haven't listened to his song "Crossroads" maybe try to, it's Coulson's Song in my head.

He sat on the edge of his bed, still dressed in his suit without the jacket and tie because he was exhausted and hoping against hope that he might find himself falling asleep. The loyal S.H.I.E.L.D. agents who were still alive had worked tirelessly to repair the bus over the last hours, and even though he had ordered the rest of his team to bed, he felt that he should help in any way he could. So he had been sweeping up glass, taking destroyed items off the bus and making sure that the items Jemma, Fitz and Skye had requested made it onboard. They were taking as many supplies as they could since they had no way of knowing when or even if they would get the chance to come back.

Now, it was 2 a.m. and everything that could be done had. May had gotten a few hours' sleep and now she was in the cockpit. They were heading to the Fridge, because Agent Hand had failed to check in with Coulson as she had promised. He sighed in frustration, knowing and yet not knowing if this was the right course of action. It could be another trap, but he knew he had to make sure that Garrett was locked up and that Ward was safe. For once in his life, Coulson was doubting his own leadership, his own decision-making skills. He knew the effects of lack of sleep on the human body and he suspected that was the major cause of his mental condition, but a nagging voice in his subconscious kept repeating May's words about them needing someone to reprogram his brain if it was necessary. Those words had sent an icy path down his spine. He knew that he shouldn't, but he was well aware that he was beginning to doubt his own loyalty to S.H.I.E.L.D. He was beginning to worry that even he was not in control of whatever was in his head.

He got up and began another walk around the plane. Seeing things in order helped to calm him, and even though there were unopened boxes all over and some signs of the damage they had sustained, it was still familiar and offered as much safety as his new world could. He immediately picked up on the light from under Skye's door and his feet seemed to move unbidden toward it. As he got closer the door unexpectedly opened and he came face to face with the young hacker. She took one look at his appearance and stance and spoke.

"AC, come sit down." Skye took hold of his arm and led him to her bunk where he sat mutely. She reached behind her and shut the door. Whatever was going on here, she wanted him to have his privacy. She perched beside him on the bed, noticing that he clutched the phone that Agent Hand had given him tightly.

"Did Agent Hand call?" He shook his head and looked at the phone.

"No. But, she should have by now. I've instructed May to set a course for the Fridge." He looked expectantly at her and then down at his lap. The terrible toll of leadership weighed heavily on his shoulders. "Skye," he began, "I just… I just don't know anymore. I wanted to check with someone, to share… something." He looked lost for a moment and Skye just reached over and laid her hand on his knee encouraging him to continue. He looked at her and she saw the loneliness and confusion on his face.

"There… there's just no one." He continued shaking his head and she finally understood.

"May betrayed you." She said softly and winced as he flinched noticeably. "AC, I can't replace her, but I can listen. Whatever it is, you have my promise, for whatever it's worth to you, that our conversation will go no further than this room."

Coulson heard her and he knew she meant it, but he was too emotional and lost to take a lot of comfort in the words. He wanted more than anything to just shut off his thoughts and sleep. Sleep with no nightmares and no concerns. But, he knew that wasn't going to happen and now he had to draw upon every last reserve he had to try to help himself get through this. He reached out and put his free hand on hers where it lay on his knee. Surprisingly, he felt a connection that he hadn't felt for another human being in a long time.

"I'm sorry." He told Skye sincerely. She looked surprised.

"What are you sorry for?" She still hadn't grasped his meaning.

"Ward. Ward was on that plane and now we don't know where it is." He spoke softly trying to spare her feelings. "I know you had feelings for him, Skye. Now, I've sent him off to god knows what fate. I shouldn't have let him go." He looked away.

Skye didn't remove her hand. Instead, she reached with her other hand and turned Coulson's face toward hers. She made sure that he was looking at her before she spoke.

"Ward volunteered for that mission, AC. It was his choice. You let him have that because you wanted to give him closure after Garrett's betrayal. You didn't know that you were putting him in danger. We don't even know yet that there is a problem. Maybe the plane had engine trouble, maybe Hand just got super busy and forgot to check in. I doubt that, but the point is that we don't know. You made the right decision to go check on them and get the answers, when you could have just disbanded this team altogether. Think about it. Jemma, Fitz and I all have skills that could be used in the private sector. But, you stayed on as team leader because we wanted you to. Because we all share the desire to continue the fight against Hydra no matter the odds. And you wouldn't let us do it alone even after everyone betrayed you." She grabbed the front of his shirt in a bold move to make sure she had his attention.

"Whatever was done to you in T.A.H.I.T.I. is not changing who you are!"

Coulson blinked and stared at her intense face. He had needed this… this confirmation of who he was. The events of the months since he'd died had worn away at him until he felt like an exposed nerve with nothing to mute the raw emotions that chased him night and day. But, this girl was like a salve that cooled and softened the pain. He managed a small grin and she got up and, to his surprise, took off his shoes. Without a word she pushed at him to lay down on the bunk and pulled the blanket over him.

"I won't sleep." He muttered the truth, but she just smiled. Curling up next to him, she pulled his arm around herself and softly spoke…

"Then just rest."

To be continued.