Total nonsense. Crack-fic. Should not in any way, shape, or form be taken remotely seriously. This is basically a completely ridiculous representation of what I think got lost between the lines of the four Twilight novels.
I do not own any brand names or franchises mentioned in this fic and mean no copyright infringement. That goes doubly for Twilight. God help us if I did.
Tape One: Side A (Oh who are we kidding; these things are recorded onto blue-ray. No one owns a tape recorder or VHS anymore!)
Time: The elusive week of questions in which Edward is a sappy romantic and Bella gets hella bored from all the bland inquiry.
Place: Forks High Cafeteria, replete with gum saturated lunch tables and the high school clique layout that Twilight could not seem to do without.
"Sooo…favorite color?"
"Umm…I really can't say?"
"Is that a question or an answer?"
"Pass."
"You can't pass! It is of the upmost significance that I know of your favorite color and all the splendor it entails." Edward steeples his hands in front of his nose and awaits her pressing answer patiently.
Bella rolls her eyes. "I'm pretty sure the seventeen years of my life that I've put behind me fill about twenty minutes of this lunch period."
Edward vehemently disagrees. But his hands are still steepled so it appears like he is coughing up that nasty piece of cafeteria pizza he choked down two lunch scenes ago.
"Yeah, Edward, it really does. But you, on the other hand claimed to have lived through two World Wars, the Great Depression, the Civil Rights Movement, the Summer of Love, disco, eighties fashion and the entire globalization of this world's economy. To top that all off, you "think" you are a completely different species that could potentially decimate the human race under aggravated circumstances."
Edward nods.
"Soo, care to elaborate on any of that? I mean you're pretty freaking hot, but there's only so much I can take of your shiny penny hair and razor jaw. Back up that freakish handsomeness with something interesting. I want answers, dammit!"
"Of what import are those when I can bask in the glory of your favorite cereal brand." Edward's arms stretch heavenwards.
"Righhht." Bella gives up.
In the center of the table, a seemingly enchanted lemonade bottle top frees itself from Edward's long, stick like, vamp fingers and spins eternally on its side.
Bella points. "Is it supposed to be doing that?"
Edward mutters something about the attention deficiencies all humans seem to harbor.
"As you're human, Bella, and I must always take into account the distinction of your humanness, I politely ask for your focus in this matter."
"Hmm."
"My human Bella…"
"Stop calling me your human. It's creepy. I'm not a freaking pet schnauzer that you clean up after with a pooper-scooper."
"Oh the indignity of such a thing! I'm merely trying to emphasize the differences in our durability and intelligence as I've had 90 extra years to accrue everything I know. And I shouldn't have to tell you that I know everything."
"Yeah, I got that when your condescending ass checked the microscope during our mitosis lab. Thanks again for that."
"So," Edward turns his attentions back to the nail-biting debate over Bella's intriguing preferences. "Your favorite color?"
"Ughh, oh my God, fine! It's like…" Bella flips through her dog-eared copy of Twilight that she dug up from the bargain book bin at Target, 30% off with purchase of a Michael Buble album. She can't find the passage she's searching so intently for and the book lands behind her with a 'thwack' as she throws her hands up in frustration. "Green, I guess."
"You're favorite color is green?"
"Yup." Bella tries to pop the 'p' but her lips are too raw from not using enough chapstick. She internally curses her parents for not preparing her sufficiently for her new life in Forks.
"Are you sure it's not something else?"
"No, I'm sticking with green. It's like the color of angsty meadow grass and squishy squashy Forks vegetation which I constantly see reflected in your verdant orbs."
Main Menu (click) to Special Features (click) to Author Commentary (click). "Is it just me or has 'orbs' become a crack-fic cliché?" Scratches head resignedly.
Edward stares, confounded.
"Geez Edward, don't make me repeat it, okay? I'm hot as a potato for you and everything I do and say from now on is kinda going to be influenced by my unnaturally rapid forming love for you, your orby-eyes…and your toned but lean muscled bod.
Edward squirms with Victorian modesty.
"Are you sure my eyes are green? Maybe they glint of a different color, one that rhymes with mopaz?"
"What the hell's a mopaz?"
"For the love of… you know, my eyes turn gold because of the animal blood?
Bella's expression goes blank.
"You're supposed to say topaz, Bella!"
Edward folds his head into his arms while Bella regains some flicker of life, tossing her tray animatedly across the room. It hits Mike Newton square in the back of the head, rendering upon his scalp a large, bloody gash that the four other vampires in the vicinity can't help but notice.
Before anyone can look up, Jasper drains Newton like a Capri-Sun without the straw and disposes of the body beneath a parking lot tree, leaving a path of entrails in his wake. Alice rubs Jasper's arm sympathetically while she encourages him to do better next time.
"Freaking animal blood? Oh c'mon! You mean this fic isn't A-H, A-U?" Bella gets up, kicking her chair backwards as Edward silently weeps. "I'm not going through the torture of another freaking vampire venom change after four volumes of getting my ass kicked by my own clumsiness and internal organs clawed at by a baby cannibal. I'll be in my trailer if anyone wants to write me into a Seinfeld, crossover fic."
Bella storms off, but not before stumbling and tripping over Newton's detached spleen. Edward regurgitates a tater tot.
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Those-Publishing-Houses-That-Really –Wish-They-Had-Picked-Up-the-Manuscript-for-Twilight-Instead-of-Spitting-in-its-Face
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Edward and Bella: The Lost Tapes
These ain't your momma's Watergate tapes. They're much stupider.
And they're HD with awesomely awesome 3-D capability on your blingin' IMAX home-screen. Because technology doesn't know when to stop. I mean, really, I don't want that freaking manta ray in the Samsung commercials swimming out at me…that's messed up shit.
Tape (err, Disc) One: Side (Track) B…whatever.
Time: The meadow scene in Stephenie Meyer's dream. Whoever wishes they could build million dollar franchises on random neural firings fueled by their subconscious, raise your hand! (Two thousand out of work authors simultaneously groan.)
Place: The only place a meadow scene can actually take place. The friggin' isolated Utopian meadow that no humans have knowledge of, and takes a special vampire piggy back ride to gain entry into.
Bella strokes the frozen purple veins of Edward's wrist, thinking that her back is getting the shit burned out of it by the rare sunshine that graces Forks on this most auspicious of days (she totally thinks he's gonna at least cop a feel) and her hands are bordering on frostbitten from the undead coldness of Edward's body. She totes should put her preppie tan sweater back on.
Edward's oblivious because he's analogous to a cold-blooded lizard using the human as his own personal heating rock. He thinks all vampires should shuttle at least one around for long trips.
Not only is Bella warm, she's doing tingly things to his wrist.
"You have no idea how good that feels, Helios Heating Pad… I mean Bella."
"If you think that feels good…" Bella's fingers begin stroking up his arms in crazy spiral art patterns (because soothing circles just don't cut it any more.) She traces a rhombus on his pecs and then a triangle connecting from his navel to his two nipples.
"Ohhhhh," Edward emits a high pitched giggle. "That's just delightful."
Aro storms in from a thicket of trees, clad in rotting gray Etruscan robes with his hair still greasy from millennia of not bathing.
"That's my line!" he spits out angrily. He smacks Edward upside the head and magically disappears due to his ancient vampire turbo-speed.
"What the hell are the Volturi doing in Forks?" Bella's breath gets all shaky and raspy, rattle-like, 'cause even though the Volturi are supposedly maintaining order, they majorly squick her out.
Edward mouth hangs agape, like gapey agape in disbelief at Bella. You can see his unmoving, immortal tonsils.
"How do you know of the Volturi?"
"Err, you mean that discussion didn't happen during the week of endless lunches?" Bella's copy of Twilight starts to crack at the binding because she's flipping through it so fast. It falls once more to the ground.
Bella smiles sheepishly. "Oops, I guess I skipped ahead to that conversation in New Moon when you go on about offing yourself."
"Bella, my soon to be heating-blanket-'cause- we're-going-to-get-freaky-later-with-me- under-your-Grandma's- quilt-bed-covers-and-you're-dad-sleeping-in-the-next-room, I would die before I killed myself and left you alone in the world."
Even the furry meadow-land creatures look up with 'WTF' thought bubbles.
"Edward, that makes no sense."
"But it's true. May the end of my existence run concurrently with yours, always!"
"God, you're morbid. Can we get to the bed scene already?"
"All in due time, my floral-blooded human. You're smelling especially freesia-tastic today."
"You know…there's always this other option."
Edward perks up eagerly. "I'm listening…"
"You could probably just change me into the soul-sucking, undead monster that you've grown to loathe, and save us both the misery of vampire-human sex. I mean there's no way I could keep up with you, and I can't even imagine the damage your vampire peen would do to my bod…"
"Whaaaa….?" Edward eyes goggle to the back of his head as the mention of relations sends him into a frenzied, fantasy induced coma.
Bella shrugs nonchalantly. Because most of her actions are of the nonchalant nature.
"Oops…too soon? Like, skipped ahead to Breaking Dawn soon?"
Edward lies motionless.
Bella picks up one of his slack arms and examines it closely.
"Edward when did you get all this glitter shit on you?"
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And there it is. Unfortunately, there is more coming. I can't believe it either. Review if you're not completely turned off.