Disclaimer - Characters/setting not mine. Made for fun, not profit. Lyrics used in story are 'Elves' and 'Don't Go Drinking With Hobbits' by Marc Gunn. If you're not familiar with his music, I highly recommend it.
The Dwarves were gathered in Beorn's house, drinking and enjoying themselves. Bilbo watched them, amused at their antics as they jostled one another and laughed merrily. It reminded him of how they'd been in his own home and in Rivendell. There had been little chance for any joy in some time. It was good to see the others having so much fun.
"Bilbo, come join us!" Kili called from where he was leaning heavily on his brother, mug of mead in hand. He was grinning broadly, eyes dancing in merriment and warmth.
Puffing on his pipe, the Hobbit chuckled. "I'm alright here, Kili, but thank you."
"Awe, come on," he whined, moving over to the Hobbit. "Come drink with us!"
Bilbo laughed. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to go drinking with Hobbits, my prince." He grinned at the Dwarf. "We're very stout drinkers."
"You're joking, laddie. A tiny thing like you?" Gloin scoffed, having a hearty laugh.
Gandalf chuckled from where he sat by Bilbo. "You shouldn't be so quick to judge, Gloin, son of Groin."
"I don't buy it." Dwalin eyed Bilbo, doubtfully.
"A contest then!" Fili exclaimed eagerly.
"You have all begun without me. It would be hardly fair of me to start so far behind. You really would stand no chance then." Bilbo grinned at them around his pipe, rather smug.
The Dwarves looked amongst themselves before they all started laughing anew. "Really, Mister Bilbo, I think it puts us on even ground," Dori smiled at the Hobbit.
Sighing, Bilbo tapped out his pipe. "Very well, if you all truly insist upon this, then I have little choice but to teach you not to underestimate a Hobbit in such matters." Bilbo stood and walked over to them. "Mead, if you would be so kind, Gentledwarves."
Mead was poured for him, and the Hobbit began to drink, his cup never running empty as he matched the Dwarves drink for drink. Some of them began their singing and merry making again, trading songs and tales same as they traded mead and wine.
"Do you have drinking songs in the shire, Bilbo?" Kili asked him, leaning against the Hobbit more heavily than he had been.
"Many." Bilbo chuckled taking a drink. "We Hobbits have songs for most everything."
"I want to hear one!" He sat up quickly, swayed a moment, and then landed back against the Hobbit's side rather hard.
Bilbo winced. "You are not light, Kili. Do be careful, would you." He thought for a moment, trying to think of a good song to sing. He grinned suddenly, as he thought of one that the Dwarves might somewhat enjoy. "Well, how about I just make one up. We Hobbits are good at that. I've made up plenty as we've traveled, even on about the Elves."
"Elves?!" Came several voices around the room, with varying degrees of outrage and curiosity.
"Oh, yes. Shall I sing it for you?" He went to take another drink but paused as Dori refilled his not quite empty stein.
"No!" "Yes!" Were the answers he received. He grinned, deciding to go ahead since Kili seemed interested and eager to hear it. Clearing his throat, he hummed the tune a moment, letting himself recall the words he'd made up as they'd left Rivendell.
I've friends in most o' races now
Hobbits, Dwarves, and Men
and with them all, as I recall, can share a smoke or grin
but there's one group of beings, I can't quite figure out
I always make a fool of me whenever Elves about
It's not that they're unfriendly,
but they treat me like a child.
They're just so otherworldly,
distant, free, and wild.
They tower there above me,
like moonlight come to skin.
Their eyes glittering like diamonds,
so pale and cold and thin
They whisper jokes in Elvish
and laugh over my head.
They make me feel so foolish,
I wish that I were dead.
But when it comes to courage,
no finer can be found.
and they're the best beside you
when trouble's sniffing round.
Yes, friends among the Elf lords
is quite a wondrous treat,
but I'd rather be a Hobbit
from head to furry feet.
Yes, I'd rather be a Hobbit
from head to furry feet.
There were various reactions around through the song, most of the Dwarves scoffing here or there, but Bilbo could tell they'd still enjoyed the song, if only for the fact that it sort of said that being a Hobbit was better than being an Elf.
"I'm not sure what the Elves would make of your song, Bilbo," Gandalf laughed, eyes dancing, "but well done, my friend."
Bilbo flushed lightly and smiled at the Wizard. "Thank you, Gandalf."
"Perhaps you can sing us one that hasn't to do with poncy Elves, Mister Baggins?" Thorin gave Bilbo a long, hard look, but most of the usual heat was not present this time. That was still taking some getting accustomed to.
"Please, Bilbo?" Kili gave him the pleading look that Bilbo had seen the prince turn on even his uncle. While it wasn't as effective as quickly on Thorin, the Hobbit had seen it whittle away at the future king and eventually get the prince what he wanted, within reason. The prince was practically vibrating against the Hobbit's side.
"And what would you have me sing about now?" He asked, curious. "I haven't written a song about Dwarves, yet."
"Just Dwarves? You've a song about Men?" Fili asked, curious.
"Well, not directly, no, but they're mentioned in some of our songs. Men are who hobbits have the most contact with, you see, so it's only natural." Bilbo focused on his drink for a moment, thinking. "Oh, of course, how silly of me, I know the perfect song!" He grinned at them. "Keep in mind it's from the Man's point of view, but it's quite popular in the Shire, for obvious reasons."
Don't go drinking with Hobbits.
Sure, you'll have a grand time all night long.
But if you go drinking with Hobbits, my friend,
you may not want to wake up at all.
They were thoughtful and kind when they invited me to drink,
a lone Human among Hobbitkind.
They bought me a half, then another and one more
and told stories of days long gone by.
The brew was strong. My glass never empty,
as if time stood still and bare.
But when I awoke the next morning
I felt like Old Smaug had been there.
Oh, don't go drinking with Hobbits.
Sure you'll have a grand time all night long.
But if you go drinking with Hobbits, my friend,
you may not want to wake up at all.
You may wonder how it all happened.
Well, I'm still wondering what happened, too.
I had tea, dinner, and supper.
Quite full, I thought I was through.
But, they insisted I come to the Flagon
and drink to the health of new friends.
But when I got there, I made more Hobbit friends
and the toasts seemed never to end.
Oh, don't go drinking with Hobbits.
Sure you'll have a grand time all night long.
But if you go drinking with Hobbits, my friend,
you may not want to wake up at all.
When the sun it rose the next morning,
and I lifted my head from my drool,
There were beer mugs spilled on the tables
and Hobbits lying next to their stools.
A young Hobbit lass grinned cross the barroom
and nudged each of my new Hobbit friends.
And then sometime after second breakfast
we all started drinking again.
Oh, don't go drinking with Hobbits.
Sure you'll have a grand time all night long.
But if you go drinking with Hobbits, my friend,
you may not want to wake up at all.
I left Hobbiton a few days later.
My head was swollen and sore.
It felt like a Dwarven anvil
After a terrible war.
I don't think I'll ever recover
from the food, the drink, and the cheer.
And I swear, I'll never drink with Hobbits again
At least till I see them next year.
Don't go drinking with Hobbits.
Sure you'll have a grand time all night long.
But if you go drinking with Hobbits, my friend,
you may not want to wake up at all.
No, don't go drinking with Hobbits.
Sure you'll have a grand time all night long.
But if you go drinking with Hobbits, my friend,
you may not want to wake up at all.
The Dwarves, singing along by the end of the song, downed their drinks and laughed at the end of the song. "I'm still not convinced about your drinking, laddie." Dwalin gave the Hobbit a smug look, despite the fact that Gloin was barely conscious and drooling on the table at his side.
Bilbo gave a small shrug. "I guess we'll see." His eyes twinkled as he looked at the Dwarf, just as smug as the warrior was.
Waking in a rather uncomfortable position, Bilbo sat up and stretched with a large yawn. He blinked muzzily and gazed around the room, seeing Dwarves in various positions and locations, most having passed out where they were instead of actually moving to sleep somewhere practical. Not that he could say much, it seemed he'd done much the same.
Feeling the need to make water, he moved to get up but found his lower half held down firmly but a strong arm about his waist and a dark head pillowed in his lap. He recalled, then, that Kili had passed out some time before himself and some of the others and had decided that Bilbo would make a nice place to do so. It'd taken some shifting and effort on his own part to get the prince reclined with his head in Bilbo's lap, and the Hobbit had left him there as he and the others focused still on their drinking and merry making.
Now, though, he really needed Kili to move. With some force, he pushed the prince off and gained his feet, heading off to see to his bladder and then some breakfast. He was starving he found, and the animals in the house were more than happy to help him prepare a large meal for everyone.
As the smells wafted through the house, groans could be heard from rousing Dwarves, as well as running feet and whimpers as some rushed to lose what was left in their stomach from the night before. Smirking to himself, he helped set the table then went to rouse everyone else, delighting in the glares and moans from the hung-over Dwarves. Seeing him cheerful and unaffected by the night's drinking seemed to only irritate them further, much to Bilbo's amusement; he had warned them, after all.
Kili fell into the seat beside him at the table and nuzzled into him, nose buried in the collar of Bilbo's shirt so deep the Hobbit imagined that the smell of food was lost to the Dwarf, probably half of his reasoning for doing so. He didn't comment, letting the prince do as he liked, eating the food before him slowly, and savoring the delightful flavors with a smile and sound of pleasure.
"You win, Master Hobbit," Dwalin informed him sourly as he sat across from him. "But, if you do not stop being so damn cheerful, I won't be held responsible."
"But Mister Dwalin, there's so much to be cheerful about this fine, bright morning. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, there's good food and pleasant company, and there will be no Orcs or Goblins knocking at the door. I dare say, there's no finer a time to be cheerful than right this minute." He grinned at the warrior. "Now, have some greasy fried breakfast. Trust me. It will help."
Everyone followed his advice, most knowing what he said to be true. Then, they all either went back to sleep or outside. Bilbo stayed seated, unable to get up without dislodging the Dwarf leeched to his side. Once everyone was gone, however, Kili moved away. "I liked your songs, Bilbo." He smiled at the Hobbit. "Would you teach me some more?"
"Without the drink, I hope." The Hobbit smiled up at him, eyes slipping closed as Kili leaned in to give him a soft kiss.
"We don't need drink to have fun, Bilbo," he breathed into the Hobbit's ear then sighed. "But, I don't feel up to anything too strenuous just yet, so singing will have to do."
Bilbo pressed a cup of tea into Kili's hands. "Drink this and have a bite to eat, then we'll find a nice shady place outside and I'll teach you all the songs I can think of." He leaned up and kissed the prince sweetly. "At least until you feel up to other things." He grinned.