Red
- Which colour should we choose, Misaki?
- Red! Red! Red all the way!
I smiled gently. Indeed, if I must describe Misaki in just one word, it would surely be Red.
Misaki, sunburned red hair, amber eyes, bright smile, angelic face on which all emotions were brought out to the extreme. Misaki was beautiful like a blossomed flower, passionate as fire, overwhelming with a fascinating red aura. Misaki was as dangerous as an ecstatic scent that allured lost souls into inescapable traps.
Misaki, my sacred heaven, my ignited hell. Misaki, my almighty god, my marvelous devil. Misaki, nothing but the brilliant flares in your eyes could illuminate the horrid darkness inside me. Mi-sa-ki, how sweet was your name on the rolls of my tongue. .Ki, I would never call upon God, because your name on my lips was already the supreme prayer.
In this dull grey world, Misaki was the absolute presence, the most important existence. I did not need anything but Misaki, everything else was meaningless anyway. The only thing I ever desired was you standing happily right next to me, or laughing innocently a few steps forward, or clumsily chasing after me a few steps behind. I wanted my thin figure be caught in your exciting eyes and my quiet whispers be heard by your keen ears.
I thought I was incapable of loving anything. I had even never loved myself. But I was wrong, for I was capable of loving you. I loved you so much that sometimes I felt like I might as well try to love myself.
We, two abandoned children lost in the currents of life, desperately clasped hands together in order to survive. And somehow, the world was good enough just like that.
(In this beautiful little world, I willed to be imprisoned by you forever and ever.)
"Nothing lasts forever."
"Everything you hold dear can be robbed or destroyed by a much more powerful force in the blink of an eye."
"You only realize how important something is after losing it."
"Heroes do not exist. You must survive by your own strength alone. "
These were lessons that no ordinary father should ever decide to teach his 6 year old son as the first rules in life. (The key word was ordinary.)
Oh, but who could be fooled? That sorry excuse of a father was a man who could laugh out loud when threatening, robbing, burning, destroying everything his own child cherished.
An empty house. Never-closed doors.. Cold money. Take-away food. Broken rubik cubes. Incinerated anthill. Threatened cousin.
Overwhelming superiority. Creepy laughs. Constant teasing. Malicious mocking.
Worthless. Useless. Pointless. Meaningless.
On that fateful day, an invitation was made by an outstretched hand, overflowing with a mesmerizing flame which held immeasurable intensity and power, the aura of a king.
You immediately grabbed that hand without any questions, and did not forget to pull my hand along.
- He's so cool! All this stuff is so great! Saru, come on, let's go with them!
In that split moment, a stabbing pain shot through my wrist, as if I had just received a cut deep into my veins. Red filled my vision, not the red of your beautiful fire, but a tragic dark red of enigmatical anger.
(No matter how tightly I held on, how desperately I clung, how carefully I protected, the results would always be the same. Just one careless mistake of blinking for a mere second, and everything I treasured would be in ruin.)
- Misaki.
The first sign, your eyes no longer watched me, instead stared admirably at a broader and stronger back, along with a place full of idiots that you quickly took for friends, or "comrades" – as you said.
- Misaki ...?
The second sign, your ears no longer heard my soft mumbles, instead listened enthusiastically to a low lazy voice of whom you considered a hero, as well as booming laughter of a troublous crowd.
- Mi ... saki ...
The third sign, your lips no longer called me with admiration, instead always mentioned the name of that person with immensely respect, and bragged non-stop about the so-called "pride" of a punk gang – barbarians who played pretentious family game, no more, no less.
- Mi ...
The last sign, you did not even realize that I was right next to you ... right?
It was uncomfortable.
I did not belong there.
(You had found your king.)
It was frustrating. It was irritating.
I did not want to be there.
(My king was always you.)
It was headachy. It was eye straining. It was suffocating.
You eagerly plunged into danger, willing to sacrifice even your life for the king.
(I secretly wished I could kneel down and offer my own life to you.)
"The two strongest emotions of human beings, first is love, and hatred is second."
Misaki, there was only a way for me to become the exclusive and absolute existence in your world again.
If I couldn't get your love, I would be satisfied with the next best thing. If I couldn't be the one you loved the most ... then I would do anything possible to become the one you hated the most. Yes...I would not accept anything less than utter hatred from you.
So, see me as your worst enemy, do not even hesitate, for I had completely dyed myself blue – the very colour in opposition to your red. Keep screaming in my face that I was a traitor. Despite me more and more! Loathe me until hatred for me was the solely thing we had in common! Let us convert all our memories into regrets, turn all reminders into pains, break everything left in our small cracked world! Attack me, with intense anger!
Finally...you finally looked at me.
(Misaki, you were the one who betrayed me first ...)
Keep looking straight at me with your fiercest burning flame, Misaki!
(... Ah, instead of letting another powerful force smash this beautiful world of ours, I would rather destroy it by my own hands.)
Life without you beside me, I would get used to soon.
This cold blue world, I chose it for myself.
No regrets. No sympathy. No more petty tears to shed.
Or so I thought.
Misaki, did you know, I missed you in the most ridiculous moments.
I missed you when watching the sunset, as numerous shades of red brutally killed each blue part, greedily spread out the whole sky.
I missed you when my lips brushed lightly against a glass of wine, the crimson liqueur's movement was so bewitching that it made me feel drunk even before I could taste the alcohol's spiciness.
I missed you when a pair of vermilion full lips pressed onto my lips, just two people longed to sink in their own despair, with eyes closed and the two names called out were not of the other's.
I missed you when I lost myself in nightmares, almost truly tasted the blood in my mouth, and felt each scorching chains wrapping around my body gradually tightened.
I missed you when I suddenly woke up at the death of night and forgot, completely forgot who I was, what my name was, or where I was then. And the only thing echoed in my foggy mind, the only thing that I remembered, was that I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
("I love you, Misaki," hugging myself tremblingly, I repeated and repeated the words of my own prayers, "I love you".).
I love you. I Love You.
U.
- Why are you looking away? Your opponent is me, remember ?! Keep your eyes on me, Mi – sa - ki!
- Che...thanks for the reminder, you fucking traitor!
Ah ... I smiled. There it was, my small, beautiful world. In this moment, the earth narrowed down to solely the two of us, as we danced to our deadly waltz, with crimson fire and cerulean sword, with violent rage and bitter madness. Your mind filled with thoughts about me. Your amber eyes took in the sight of me and only me..
Hate me more, Misaki. Every single scrap of your attention, be it hateful or painful, I would embrace it happily, because yes, I was just that desperate. My heart, I had given it to you. You could burn it down to ashes, cut its flesh open, or dyed it in its own blood, but for the love of God, don't you ever dare give it back to me.
Burn me in your blazing fire storm. Misaki. Drown me in your brilliant red sea.
Because, if I was no longer reflected in your eyes...
... how did I know that I still truly exist?
Misaki. Misaki. Misaki. My Misaki.
Misaki. Mi-sa-ki. I.
Mi. (I)
Sa. (Love)
Ki. (You)