Authors Note: Please do not flame. I don't mind constructive criticism, but I do not appreciate flames.
Warnings: This is Morgan/Reid Slash. If you don't like it, leave now. It isn't anything graphic, but does imply sexual contact. Also, this is not beta'd I did read over it but there may be grammar mistakes that I missed.
Please enjoy!
I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start
Derek Morgan was a ladies man. He was the one that every girl would fawn over. Hell, even some guys went after him. I never imagined that he would actually be interested in guys. Even if he was, I'd imagine him to like guys as good looking as him, tall, muscular, confident men; not geeky, awkward, skinny, genius's. He proved me wrong though. I remember that day clearly.
Derek walked in to the office looking as good as ever. I was getting coffee in the break room when he came in with a smile on his face. He came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I was trapped between him and the counter. I turned my head to look at him. Confusion graced my face and I wasn't sure what he was going to do. He looked at me and said one sentence that took the breath right out of me.
"Will you go on a date with me tonight?"
I looked at him with confusion and then slight anger. It was a joke. He was playing with my feelings. He must have figured out that I liked him and he decided to have fun with it.
"Pretty Boy are you gonna answer me?"
"I, how could you. You figured out that I liked you, but instead of just telling me you don't like me, you tease me. Make me think that I actually stand a chance and then laugh about it when you finally shoot me down," I fumed.
"Whoa, whoa, Spencer, slow down. You know I would never do that to you. You know that even though I tease you I would never take it that far, ever. Pretty Boy I really like you, and I really want to take you out on a date. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have asked," he defended.
"You're serious?" I questioned stunned.
"Yes. I am completely serious. I wouldn't lie to you. So will you go on that date with me?" he offered again. I couldn't say no, not that I wanted to.
"Yes. I would love to," I accepted.
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home
It had been a year since that night and he hand't left my side since then. Even through the hard times he was there. When the nightmares came, he held me. He'd encircle me in and whisper sweet words into my ear, telling me that everything would be okay. When the drug cravings came back he stood by me and helped talk me through all of them. It would have been so easy for him to walk away. So easy for him to give up on me and he didn't. He stayed. Whenever I laid down in bed with him, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped tight around me, I felt at home. For the first time in a long time, I felt at home.
How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown
My insecurities reared their ugly heads more times then I would like to admit. I didn't want to tell Derek incase he thought I was being stupid, or worse he agreed with me. So many times I contemplated ending it. He deserved so much more than me. He deserves someone so much better than me. After a while it became too much. It was too overwhelming. Derek came home late and my insecurities got the better of me.
"I can't do this anymore,"
"What? Baby what are you talking about?" he asked me.
"I don't want to do this anymore Derek. I'll come by and get my stuff tomorrow. I don't want to deal with it now. I just can't do this," I told him. I walked past him and was out the door before he could say anything. I got in my car and drove back to my apartment. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I pulled into my driveway and put the car in park. I set my head on the steering wheel and laid it there for a few minutes before walking to my house.
It was so empty that it didn't even feel like mine. Most of my stuff was at Derek's. My clothes, minus a few pairs, my bath stuff, minus an extra toothbrush and cheap shampoo and conditioner, even my pictures. I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands. I just left the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I couldn't do this to him. I couldn't let him stay with me when I was obviously not good enough for him. A knock at the door brought me out of my thoughts. I got up and answered the door. There stood Derek, tears in his eyes, and a look of confusion.
"Can I come in?" he asked. I couldn't say no to him. I just couldn't reject his request. I opened the door wider and then shuffled into my apartment. I sat down and after closing the door he sat on the coffee table in front of me.
"You want to tell me why you're ending this out of the blue? Baby if I did something to upset I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you," he confessed. I could feel tears forming.
"You deserve better than me. You, you're amazing, you're caring, you're loving, you're strong both mentally and physically, you're protective, you're trustworthy, you're everything anyone could ever want and you deserve the best. That isn't me. Derek I'm weak, mentally and physically. I'm awkward and geeky, and I say all the wrong things at the wrong time. I ramble about statistics and things that no one really cares about. I don't do well at giving comfort, even though I mean to, it never comes out right. I just want you to have the best, and that isn't me," I sobbed to him.
I couldn't look him in the eyes, so instead I focused on a spot of carpet. I felt his fingers lift my chin up to look at him.
"Baby Boy stop right there. That's why you ended it, because you didn't think you were good enough? You are so far from the truth that it hurts love. You are beautiful, and yes you are awkward but it's adorable. I love listening to rant about statistics, even if I don't have to know all the things you tell me. Baby you may not give comfort the way everyone else does, but you do a damn good job of making me feel better when things get hard. I love you Spencer. You are beautiful, and kind, and caring, and you are the bravest person I've ever met. You put yourself last, and everyone else first. You have the biggest heart I've ever seen and I love you," he explained. I looked at him with tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I told him dejectedly.
"Don't be love. Just next time you feel like this talk to me. Now are you ready to go home?" he asked. I nodded and leaned my head on his shoulder.
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
I wasn't used to relying on anyone. It was always me taking care of myself. I put up the front that I don't need anyone and that I can do everything by myself, and I can. I just prefer having someone there to help.
I grew up all alone and not having anyone there. When my dad left I had to fend for myself and my mom. I had to deal with the bullies and I couldn't do anything to stop that. I didn't have a choice. Now it was just in my instincts to shut people out and do it on my own.
Once I started dating Derek he slowly broke them all down. Every time I threw a wall at him he knocked it down. He was careful and he didn't push me, but he proved time and time again that he was here.
I never let anyone close to me after my father left. My mother was never lucid enough to be there and after that I couldn't handle letting people in. Gideon changed that and he made me trust him and love him like a father figure, then he left. Elle made me feel like she was my sister, and she left too. Derek knew that and every time I got scared that he was going to leave, he put his arms around me and reminded me that I was his, I was safe, and he wasn't leaving.
The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone
So many times I wanted to leave for him. After the Hankle case, during my drug addiction, after Gideon left, after Elle left, after the anthrax attack, and after I got shot. I didn't want him to have to deal with all of my problems. I didn't want him to have to take care of me. I felt like he deserved better than that.
It's not that I want him to leave, because really that is the last thing I want, but I can't help but feel like he should have better. I love him with everything I have but it isn't fair for me to do this to him.
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...
The first time I told him that I thought he deserved better he laughed. I told him that he should find someone else because I had to many problems and he shouldn't have to deal with it. He pulled my chin up to make me look at him. He told me that no matter what happened, no matter how many problems I had, he wasn't leaving. He told me how much he loved me and how he would never leave. He then wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close to him, making me feel more loved than anyone ever could.
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
Whenever I would even start to close in on myself Derek stopped me. After a while he had finally broken down all my walls and he wouldn't let me put any back up. I told him that I was afraid that he wouldn't love me back and that's why I never said anything to him. He looked at me and grinned.
He spent the rest of the night showing me just how much he loved me. Every single part of me. I never let love get close to me but there was no denying that he was an exception. I let him in and let him get close enough to make me vulnerable. When we were finished he pulled me down to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around me and whispered in my ear, "I love you baby boy."
I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
During the beginning of our relationship I never want him to see my insecurities. I hid them for the first 6 months of our relationship. I didn't let him know that I was scared he would leave, or that I didn't think I was good enough. I didn't let him in and I didn't open up to my past or all the awful things that happened to me, or how scared I was of getting schizophrenia. I didn't tell him all the awful things the bullies did to me, or that I still thought about the football field incident every time we had a case with bullied kids.
I had never really loved anyone other than my mother before Derek. That night when I was having drug cravings and he pulled me to him and held me securely, keeping me grounded, was the first time I ever thought about telling him I loved him. He held me and reminded me of all the good things I had. Even though it would be easier to walk away, he stayed and kept me as close to him as he could. Before falling asleep I heard him whisper that he loved me. It took all I had not to whisper it back.
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
After getting home from the Cyrus case I shut down. I was upset that Emily could have gotten killed because of me. I was angry that I couldn't save the girl that was in love with Cyrus. Morgan was worried sick about me and I was scared he was going to leave. He kept asking me to talk and I couldn't tell him how I felt. Instead I lashed out.
"Leave. Just leave Morgan! You don't want to know what I'm feeling, and if you find out you'll be mad and leave anyway, so go," I yelled. He looked a taken back and put his hands up.
"Spencer I want to know what you're thinking. Let me in baby. I'm not going anywhere," he swore. God, I wanted to believe him.
"Yes you will. You'll leave because I won't tell you or you'll leave because of what I'll tell you," I shot.
"No I won't. If you don't tell me I'll stay here and wait until you do, and if you tell me something I don't like, I will talk to you and tell you why and not go anywhere," he argued.
"Fine! I wish it would have been me. I wish I would have stood up and said something. I wish I wouldn't have froze up and let Emily get hurt. I wish that when that gun was pointed at me I wouldn't have seen Hankle's face staring me down. I was so scared and all I could think of was being in that shack and being told to choice one of you to die," I told him. By the end I had tears falling. I tried desperately to stop them as I waited for Derek to leave.
Instead he came up to me, but his arms around me and kissed my forehead.
"Baby I know. I know you were scared and I'm sorry you had to go through that, but that is exactly Emily did it. She didn't want you to hurt anymore," Derek explained. I laid my head on his shoulder and he held me close.
He pulled me into the bedroom and undressed the two of us for bed. He laid down and pulled me next to him. Clooney jumped up on the bed with me and Derek, laying at our feet. For the first time in so many years I felt at safe. This right here, wrapped in Derek's arms, Clooney laying at my feet, was home.
You put your arms around me and I'm home