Forgiven
A/N: I have a soft spot for Barty. He's my precious baby. And that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I find David Tennant extremely attractive. Nothing at all... BartyNeville is actually one my guilty pleasures. I'm a big fan of rare pairings, you see. This is for Lamia's Cross-Gen Competition on HPFC forum. Enjoy.
Am I a coward? Have I become a coward? Or… have I always been a coward?
'You've made mistakes, and you've paid for them. Your past won't make me like you any less.'
Suddenly the air feels a lot thicker. The drop of sweat rolls down my neck and I feel sick in my stomach. The walls are closing in. The atmosphere is suffocating me and I can't help it. But just because it's hard to breathe, it doesn't mean I'll die from suffocation. After all, I've been through a lot worse.
I've just never liked hospitals.
I glance at my hands; I'm shaking like a pitiful virgin before his first time. I stand in front of one of many identical doors and let out a shaky laugh. It's embarrassing, to be honest, that I'm more nervous than I dare to admit. The takeaway coffee burns my fingers but I still can't find the strength I need to open the door and enter. A young nurse looks at me when I place my hand on the handle just to pull it back once more. She keeps her distance and doesn't say anything, for which I am thankful.
I took one last breath before turning the handle. It's an achievement in itself. The door wasn't locked and I cautiously step into the small, bright room with two beds. It's like entering an enemy territory and with every step I take I feel like I could get hexed at instant. I walk swiftly past the man lying on a hospital bed closest the exit. Is he asleep or unconscious, I don't stay behind to find out.
Neville sits next to the bed located closer the window. I pat his shoulder and offer him the hot beverage. "I brought you coffee. Milk and no sugar."
I get a warm smile in return when he takes the cup and tentatively takes a sip. "Thanks," Neville says and I sat down next to him. "Just the way I like it."
I smile a little. It's not a trivial thing but at least I had gotten it memorized in these six months we've been living together. I watch him closely as he drinks. I know Neville doesn't even like the bitter taste so I always add two sugar cubes into his coffee without him noticing. He never takes long sips because he doesn't want to get his tongue burnt and that's why he always finishes his coffee slowly. He places the half-empty cup on the side table and crosses his hands on his lap.
Usually watching Neville calms me down but this time the effect is the complete opposite.
I know what's going to happen next and it scares me. Last time I had screwed up. I had done something I never should have done in the first place. I had disappointed the only person I really care about.
I had run.
"Mum." Neville's voice is affectionate when he addresses the seemingly unmoving woman. "Barty is here with me today."
The woman's eyes open. And like she had known I had been there the whole time she looks straight at me with her dulled eyes as she weakly sits up. My throat clenches painfully and I can't look away from the wispy witch. Those eyes had had light in them. Those very same eyes had begged for help and what had I done? I had looked away.
"Neville, please," I whisper in the most pathetic, whiny voice a grown man can produce.
Don't make me stay here, I can't stay here... Like a tidal wave my fears and the stigma that marks me are all over me. I know it's only my brain making an illusion but the pain in my forearm feels so real. I abruptly stand up. I want to flee like a frightened animal. I'm terrified.
I can't face her. Not even after all this time.
Coward.
"It's okay." Neville takes my hand. He's calm, and protective of both, his mother and me. He soothingly runs his thumb over my wrist. "Sit back down, Barty. It's okay."
I can't understand why Neville wants me to come here with him. I don't belong here. I don't have a right to be here. And yet I sit back on the wobbly metal stool and suppress my need chew my lip off. It's been three years since the end of the war. Almost two since I was given a fair trial and my side of the story was heard.
Alice Longbottom shares a strong resemblance with Neville but I don't like looking at her. She's just so... Broken.
I can hear Neville chattering to her. He sounds far too lively, like he's talking to someone who actually understands his words and cares. Instead there's a shell of a woman who can barely form a facial expression. She's already on the other side of the time and circumstances. Alive but not present. And I'm partially guilty of her sorry state. It feels wrong to be here, sitting next to her hospital bed, holding her son's hand as if she would approve it.
But Neville doesn't think so.
"Did you bring it?"
He's the more mature one from the two of us. Half my age but been through more than a twenty years old should. I delve a piece of bubblegum from my coat pocket. Neville smiles and nods encouragingly.
We've talked this through many, many times. But what if I fuck this up now?
I hesitantly offer it to Alice Longbottom. With slow movement she raises her hand from her lap and takes the offered sweet. The corners of her lips twitch as if she is smiling.
It had taken time for Neville's grandmother to accept me and I don't blame her of that. If I'm being honest I still don't think she accepts me. She tolerates me because of Neville. But I'm invited to the Sunday dinners. It's a crazy world after all.
We're leaving. Frank Longbottom hasn't moved an inch during the time we've been in the room. Neville stops by his bed to say goodbye while I wait at the door. He takes his time but I'm not in a hurry. More likely I'm rooted to the floor because Alice Longbottom slowly sits up and walks to us. She tugs my sleeve. Neville grins when she offers me the bubblegum wrapper. It's hard to form two simple words but I make it.
"Thank you."
I know it's only a feeble start and she doesn't say a word, just stands there with a blank look on her face, but it feels...
Like I'm finally forgiven.