Loneliness
Loneliness. It's not a foreign emotion to someone like myself. If I were to be honest, we're rather well antiquated. We've encountered the other in several situations throughout life. Its hit me like a knife to the back or a burn to my skin. Its made me cry, feel angry, and hate towards my being. Crystalline tears stream down my face as I see my once lover look at me in disgust and walk away. I attempt to hold in my heart wrenching sobs as I see their figure become nothing more than a dot in the distance. The tapping of their footsteps against the pavement reminded me all the more about all the people whom previously abandoned me. The pain never ceased, it grew. I wanted to plead and beg for you to come back, but that would only make me look all the more pathetic.
Sitting in the lonely confines of my apartment, my fingertips lightly trace over your picture. Do you remember that day? Hmph, you more than likely don't. You always had a terrible memory, one I often reminded you of. The tiniest of smiles grace over my lips. You were a major part in my miserable life. Now you're nothing more than a memory. One I long for to come back.
Shaking my head I knew it was tedious to reopen old wounds. Nothing good ever came from doing so. Reaching over, I place our old picture on the table. It had always sat there, it would feel empty should it be removed. Nor did I have the strength to remove it from a place it had quite literally made it its home.
A heavy sigh escaped my chapped lips, my throat hurt something fierce right now. It was due to all the sobbing I had done in the past several hours. Shutting my eyes, luminescent green hidden behind my eyelids, I felt like I was in my own small world right now. The darkness was my utopia, and I was just another one of its residents. Intertwining my hands together on my lap, I tilted my head back and let sleep grip me in it's hold and let my wind wander.
Eren's eyes fluttered open some time later; how much time had gone past? He didn't know nor did he care. So long as the boy couldn't feel pain, He was more than happy right now. Stretching his body out, Eren heard the light popping of his bones. Rubbing his lower back, the brunet slowly stood up, his vision was still a bit blurry.
Slowly making his way through the small two bedroom apartment Eren and his former lover both owned at one point, He did notice it was more quiet. He stopped in my tracks, staring into the study. Normally he was used to seeing Bertolt sitting in the black leather chair, headphones on, the light sound of the music he was listening to residing through the room, the glare from the light of his lover's laptop screen reflecting on his reading glasses, the look of pure concentration on his face. The boy remembered when Bertolt couldn't think of anything, he'd lean back in the seat, index finger tapping the wooden table, his other hand stroking his chin, the man's brown eyes staring off into the distance as he tried to come up with something, anything that was relevant to what he was working on.
Yes, those were the days, the ones in which Eren was the most content in all his young life. No longer would they appear. Bertolt had already made his decision to leave and pursue greater things. His goals were always his main priority in life. The boy knew this. The man told Eren on more than one occasion. But it still hurt to even come to terms with the fact that he would no longer see the taller brunet's radiant smile, the happy gleam in his eyes, flawless skin, silk soft brown hair. All of it was imprinted into Eren's memory. Bertolt was like a work of art, but as all works of art, they all eventually leave after being purchased. In his former lover's case, he left after seeing an opening to fulfill a long-term dream of his. It was simple to cut all ties with Eren because the man truly never cared. Eren was nothing more than a pawn to him.
Their relationship was like a chess board, Bertolt were the king and Eren was the pawn. Their time was over once Bertolt got checkmate.
With numb fingers, Eren began to take down all the portraits he and Bertolt hung up. It hurt to remove them. It felt as if there was frostbite on his fingers, taking down each picture hurt more than the previous one. The pain kept escalating with each one being taken off the cream colored walls. It was for the boy's well-being and sanity to do this.
Slowly walking over to the box on the black leather couch in the living room, Eren gently set all the frames inside. He bit his bottom lip as he felt it begin to tremble. The boy shook my head.
No, he wouldn't shed one more tear for Bertolt. He did nothing but give him false hope, and Eren gave him nothing but genuine feeling. He ripped Eren's heart out with his bare hand and threw it on the pavement, staining it with crimson red. The once gentle beating of it grew more rapid as Eren recalled the tall brunet walking away, never once glancing back in his direction.
Sitting down, his hands clenched into fists, nails digging into the palms. 'Don't cry, don't cry.' He silently chanted to himself.
Eren knew it worked when several moments later, he stood up again, taped up the box and took it down to storage. Never once thinking about Bertolt on the way there.
If there was one thing that Eren learned within the first several weeks since his lover left, it would be the silence of his apartment gave him shivers down his back. As of recent, the boy began to look at new homes to live in. This one held too much for him to able to stay any longer.
The adjustment would be an odd one in the beginning no doubt, but it was for his well-being. Everything that Eren was doing would help him immensely.
Moving day was over and now Eren glanced around his new home and smiled. This was only the beginning. He had much work that needed to be done. The boy had already been introduced to his new neighbors. Instead of an apartment this time around, the brunette settled for a small home in a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Before he could tear off the tape from the first box, someone had knocked on his door. Raising a brow and rubbing the back of his head, he thought of who it could be as he walked over.
Upon opening it, Eren was immediately met with piercing steel grey eyes. It was a tall man. He seemed to be one whom lived around here. He set his emotionless gaze on the boy's person, Eren felt as if he was trying to sum up what kind of person he was just with his stare.
"Welcome to the neighborhood." His deep voice greeted him.
Eren nodded his head. "Thank you."
The tone in his voice was anything but welcoming. He must have been irritated knowing that the once empty home next to his own was now occupied. This guy must have been praying his new neighbor wasn't a complete idiot. Hmph, the feeling is mutual.
He asked Eren for his name, the brunet gave him his and he gave Eren his name, Levi Ackerman. With a murmur of "Welcome to the neighborhood." he turned on his heel and left.
The young man closed his door and went back to cleaning. He thought about the man that was now his neighbor. He was nothing too special, seemed like a good guy, monotone as fuck though. But, Eren knew he wouldn't be a troublesome one like other neighbors he had in the past.
Stepping back into his small, lonely home after a long day at work was something that the brunette always loved. It was definitely a lot more relaxing to be able to walk into a place that was quiet. Rubbing his temples, the young man immediately went into the kitchen and set a pot to boil and put some dried tea leaves in there. Gods, did he have one hell of a headache at the moment.
It also didn't help that someone came over and knocked on his door, at what, green eyes glanced over at his clock, 10:30? Eren shook his head sighing, who the hell would come and see him at this hour? It wouldn't be Mikasa, she gave her brother the space that he wanted and needed.
Reluctantly, he pushed himself off the counter and walked to his door, opening it. Imagine his surprise when it was his monotone and emotionless neighbor.
The raven stared at him, a package under his arm. "This came for you when you were gone earlier." He gestured towards the box.
Eren nodded as he received the box from Levi. "Thank you. I'm sorry if it caused any trouble for you to get this for me."
Levi shook his head. "Not at all. A young brat like yourself seems to be going through a lot at the moment. Not that's it any of my business, but you should accept help every so often to make this situation less stressful for yourself."
"B-But, how did you...?"
"Oh, how did I know? You have this look on your face practically screaming that you're going through something, and not really wanting to 'burden' someone else." He added the air quotes. "When in all reality, that makes people worry all the more whether or not you are emotionally and mentally stable. Yes, you'll try and convince everyone the best you can that you are able to deal with this alone, and how it should be properly done, and you are actually doing something much worse for yourself at the moment. Be surrounded by people who give a damn about you and not mope around like some sad sack of shit that doesn't have anyone. That's when you can really mope." The man finished his small life lecture to the young man and stood there, waiting for his response.
Eren felt that this man would be the most understanding and not shower him with sympathy that he clearly didn't want. The brunette was someone who wanted to hear the truth, no matter how badly it hurt. At least it was better than someone hiding reality from you. "W-Would you mind coming in so I can speak with you about what I'm going through?" Eren knew this probably wasn't the best thing to do, but hell, the man was more than likely his best option at the moment.
Levi nodded as the young man stepped aside, closed the door and led him to the kitchen. The brunet poured them both some tea, sitting down at the kitchen table. The raven held his cup in a peculiar manner as he silently waited for Eren to begin talking.
The boy took a deep breath before he began speaking. "Bertolt Hoover was my lover ever since our freshman year in high school. He was someone incredibly special to me. He was the first person I loved, and the first to destroy everything that I gave him. He and I had known each other our whole lives. Our parents were close friends, hence, how we met. No one knew me better than he did, not even my sister. He was the first person who made me feel loved, treasured, special, and actually for once, like myself. I was never one made for confidence. I'm very self conscious about myself about my appearance. Bertolt always called me beautiful, cute and every endearment that you can think of. It...made me fall more in love with him, you know?"
He took a sip of his tea before continuing. "It wasn't until we both went to college when everything about our relationship began to change. Yes, I knew that he and I would be very occupied with our studies. But, never once did I think it would take up all his time, up to the point where he almost ignored me. We lived in an apartment together. We always talked about getting an apartment together back in our Junior year in high school. And now that we had gotten it, everything was not that way it was supposed to be. He and I barely spent time together, never really communicated as much, and in general, we didn't have what we used to. I thought at first, he was cheating on me, but, I later ended up finding out he was just working towards a scholarship in another country. I thought he would talk to me about it. We had been dating for several years and known each other our whole lives. I was wondering why he never talked to me. Then, out of nowhere, he told me that he was leaving. There was no discussion about trying to maintain a long-distance relationship, or me trying to get into the same school and further my education, nothing. Got his things, didn't look back and left." Eren finished his story with tears in his luminescent green eyes.
Levi stared at the boy for a moment before speaking. "I bet you want me to try and sympathize that you were too good for him. That he didn't deserve to have such a dedicated lover and friend like yourself, then you've pegged me wrong, brat. Shit like that will happen. People you've known your whole life won't give a damn about you the moment something good begins to happen for them. In their eyes, you're no good anymore. You were only there to kill the boredom they felt. You've just been hit by realty kid. Its going to hurt like all holy fuck, but you know what? There's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Deal with what you've got."
Never once in his life had Eren ever met a person like Levi. Someone who was not going to shy away from reality. The raven was a complicated man once he got to speak, completely contrasting from his emotionless looks and monotone voice. There was so much to Levi, no one could ever read from first glance. This man was someone he wanted to become. Accept whatever was thrown at him and deal with it.
The man was right in what he said. Not everyone was going to pat your back and tell you it was alright. Everything won't be alright. There was a lot of shit that only time could ever heal. Yeah, there was absolutely nothing wrong with people being there by your side to help, but the only person that could really ever help, was yourself.
"I never expected you to show me sympathy-" He was cut off as Levi scoffed.
"Brat, there is no damn person in the world that doesn't want that. They crave it when something bad occurs. They think that showing tears will get them exactly what they want. Crying like a baby won't make people think you deserve their sympathy, most will think you're pathetic and emotionally weak as all hell."
Eren kept his mouth shut for several moments. He really didn't understand the man like he thought he was beginning to. Levi was able to contradict his thoughts. Was he really that easy to read like his sister repeatedly told him? The raven did seem like a guy who knew his shit.
Staring at the raven, the boy learned one thing. He was the cruel, hard reality everyone turned their cheek to. But was this man going to allow Eren to do that?
Fuck no.
After their conversation, Eren had begun to seek more guidance from Levi. He was a man who offered, no, pretty much just spoke what he felt about something, and how society was exactly the same. He told Eren he had some similar, but more serious situations just like the boy had before.
Eren not only learned what the raven thought about a good majority of topics, but also some of his personal life and occupation. Levi Rivaille Ackerman was a business man who most recently inherited his father's company. He had two siblings that lived right next door to him. Isabel and Farlan Ackerman. The man said it was something about his siblings genes that made them appear so different from his mother, father and himself. Vincent and Viola Ackerman, his mother and father, were both currently in Europe doing some traveling.
It was odd just how strongly his neighbor had impacted his life after his long time lover and friend left. It became often for Eren to forget who Bertolt was at times. The man had told him this was a good sign that he was slowly but surely getting better. The brunet didn't think it would be that easy to forget his first past love. The young man had always heard stories that it was incredibly hard. Yet, he had Levi to guide him through the whole thing and it didn't seem difficult one bit.
Mikasa had come by just as she said she would over the phone last week. Eren had introduced her to Levi, and he was right, she hated his cruel, harsh and serious attitude. You see, Mikasa believed that ignoring things would make it seem better. Levi, however, completely disagreed.
"You would rather ignore a serious situation then face it head on? So, you're one of those people who will think a situation will go away because you turn the other cheek? Fuck no, it won't go away. It will stay there until you stop being a coward and fucking solve it yourself. It's going to constantly be on your mind whether you like it or not. Own up and deal with shit."
His sister ended up getting angry and leaving. She said she couldn't understand why Eren would want to be around him. The man was incredibly rude and called him brat, not even by his own god damn name.
Eren rubbed the back of his head as he kept apologizing for his sister's rash behavior. He guessed it took people, much like himself, a while before they could adjust to the way Levi tended to express himself through his words. "I'm really sorry about Mikasa, Levi. No one has ever really gone against anything that she says."
"I'm assuming that's because you're all a bunch of wusses that can't go against that stubborn woman's words?"
The boy laughed nervously. This man was really reading him too well that it tended to become scary just how well he could peg him with very little effort put into it.
"Don't piss yourself, brat. You wouldn't be the first who would be afraid to go against his sister's words."
"You know someone else that is?"
"Farlan is absolutely terrified of going against Isabel's beliefs and shit."
"And you aren't?"
"Do I fucking look like I would be? Or do I resemble a fucking kicked puppy to be afraid of that red head?"
Eren laughed. "No. You are the type of person who doesn't give two shits."
Levi nodded. "Exactly."
There are some things in Eren's life in which he is thankful for what he has, and glad that completely unwanted things are gone. This was one he never thought he would eventually come across again.
Bertolt smiled as he greeted his former lover. "Eren, been a long time hasn't it?"
The complete nerve of this bastard to come like nothing ever happened, especially while the boy was sobbing over the end of their entire relationship while he was more than likely out having a good time and not giving a shit whether Eren was lonely or not.
Eren's left eye twitched. "Eleven months to be exact."
The brunet rubbed the back of his head. "Heh, sorry about that, Eren. You know I told you I got offered that scholarship and didn't hesitate."
"Nor did you hesitate to end the relationship that apparently meant so little to you."
Bertolt took the boy's hands in his own. "You meant everything to me, Eren."
Taking his hands out of the other's, the brunet glared at him. "Like hell It did. I was probably nothing more than a god damn burden, especially since it was so easy for you to make up your mind and leave like nothing or no one was going to do anything."
"Eren, you knew better than anyone I had so many goals for my education. That was a once in a lifetime opportunity. There might have never been another chance like that again. I had to take it while it was right within arms reach of me."
Levi leaned against the wall as he heard the entire conversation take place between Eren and his former lover. He had caught a look at the man that used to date the brat he was associated with.
Now mind you, the man saw nothing wrong with someone thinking about their education. It was certainly important for many people, they just wanted a future that was secure. But to simply and quite selfishly, might he add, leave their lover with no further explanation was something he was not alright with; especially if that someone was their long time friend and lover.
Finally having enough of the pointless argument, he walked to where Eren was, a plan in mind. "Eren."
The boy turned around, looking up at the raven haired man. "Yes, Levi?"
Levi wrapped an arm around the boy's waist, pulling him closer to himself. "How long are you going to keep me waiting in the living room? It was very nice to have you on my lap."
Eren blushed heavily. "S-Sorry, Levi. I had someone to deal with?"
The raven glanced at Bertolt, the same bored expression on his face. "Whose this, l'amour?"
"T-That's Bertolt, my former friend and lover. The one I told you about." His blush deepened when the man called him an endearment in French.
Levi inwardly smirked when he saw the brunet in front of them had his brows furrowed. Hmm, so this brat obviously thought that Eren would go back to him once he realized he was back in town. Ah, just what bad luck this kid had. "Well, that's good and not very interesting, l'amour. But, I would love nothing more than to have you on my lap again." He glanced back at the brunet. "If you'll excuse us." He shut the door on the tall male, taking Eren back into his living room and sitting him down.
The raven stared out the boy's living room window as Bertolt got back into his car, stared back at him for a moment, their eye clashing for the briefest of seconds before the male's car pulled out of the driveway and drove down the silent neighborhood.
Turning around, Levi sat down next to the quiet young brunet. "I would imagine seeing him gave you quite the shock."
Eren nodded. "I-It did. I never thought that I would see him again."
"Hmph, people like that bastard just show up whenever the fuck they feel like it. They don't bother with however the people might react when they see them back."
"Seeing him made me realize something..."
"Oh? Might I ask what?"
"I might be doomed to be alone..."
"Brat, let me tell you one thing. No one in this world is born to be alone." With that, Levi got up, walked out the front door and left, letting Eren contemplate what the man had just told him.
Several days later, Eren thought it would be in the right mind to go and speak with Levi about the message he gave him before leaving his home. Knocking on the raven's door, the boy waited patiently as he heard quiet footsteps padding over to the front door. He simply flashed the man a small smile. "Hey."
The man leaned against the door frame. "Hello, Eren. What brings you here?"
"I-I thought about the words that you told me right before leaving."
"And what conclusion did you come to?"
Eren's brows furrowed. "That I was wrong in thinking that I would be doomed to be alone. I have Mikasa, my mother, Armin and you. I shouldn't have felt like I was alone. Hell, I should be thankful I have you all by my side when some people have no one there for them."
"Exactly right, Eren."
"But, I did fail in a relationship. In a way, I feel like I failed Bertolt with not meeting with his expectations as a lover. That's something that's been haunting my mind ever since he left me."
Levi stared at Eren for several moments, trying to take in the saddest excuse, no, bullshit that he had ever had the fucking joy of ever hearing. Even he said more intelligent things drunk. "You really are a sad sack of shit, Eren."
The boy held a surprised expression as the man insulted him. "What?"
"To think, a promising young man like yourself, one in which made so much progress within the months that I had known you, and ever since you told me that story of how you even came here. Its makes me disgusted to know you still think that bastard expected more out of you when you gave your all."
"I'm just ashamed that I never tried harder."
"Eren. If there is one thing I've learned in this life, there's no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot. And I know you damn well did with that brute." Levi pushed himself off the door frame and closed it yet again on a shocked Eren.
This man was on a completely different level with views and thoughts far more than Eren could ever imagine. Levi spoke with complete experience behind everything he said. The young man could only imagine what events made him think this harshly. Levi was not a man whom you would expect to be very talkative nor experienced in life with his physical appearance, it was how he spoke that would convince you about all the events he had gone through before. But, never once did the man falter on what he said. He was as close to reality as you could get in someone. Levi, indeed, was a rare and odd man to say the least.
Sitting in his living room, Eren stared at his cream colored walls, nothing on his mind but the words Levi spoke, constantly replaying themselves in his head.
The look in the older man's eyes was almost unreadable, to the brunet anyway. Since Levi was already complicated enough as it was, his messages were all the more confusing.
So, why not go to someone who knew the man on a much deeper level than he did.
Farlan smiled at the bashful boy as he was let into the living room and sat down. "Eren, what is it you wanted to know about bro?"
Rubbing the back of his head, Eren chuckled nervously. "I would like to know why he's a pessimist really. I've always wondered that."
"Why didn't you just ask him? He's an open book if he can tolerate you."
"I thought he would kick my ass if I so much as mentioned it."
The blonde chuckled. "Yeah, Levi's like that. So, you wanted to know why he's a negative thinker, right?"
Eren nodded as Farlan leaned against the arm rest. "Well, it all started back when we were kids and still lived in France. Isabel, Levi and I were viewed as rich children who were too damn good for the educational system. Countless amount of people gave bro shit because he was the one who suggested homeschooling. Levi was never the type for socializing, not that its any surprising given how his attitude is." The blonde grew slightly uncomfortable.
"We're only related to big bro through our father. Our mother is only his step-mother. Levi was actually born to a woman by the name of Flore Ackerman. Turns out, our father had an affair with bro's mom and had twins as a result. Unfortunately, while mother, father, Isabel and I were in Germany as a family vacation, Levi had to witness his mother getting murdered before his very eyes. He and his sister were both forcefully separated from the other. Bro was forced to live in a orphanage before someone from his former neighborhood told dad several years later."
The boy really didn't understand why the raven's brother was suddenly telling him this out of no where. He felt like telling the man to stop since he could notice how uneasy Farlan was.
"We found a fifteen year old Levi smoking by an alley way, cuts littered his arms, thin as all hell, pretty much looked like complete shit. We didn't know what he had gone through. He absolutely refused to tell anyone what he had seen after we took him back home. Father always did his best to comfort and seek some information from bro in the best methods he could without putting pressure on his oldest son, but to no avail. Levi would not tell anyone. He said often said this..." He stopped as he tilted his head back, icy blue eyes closing as he recited word for word on what his older brother often told everyone.
'Those horrors are something that are imprinted in my mind. Why dare to share them with someone else and haunt them with making them imagine all that? I'd rather face this alone than make someone else suffer along with me.'
"Bro knew he could easily have come clean to someone. Yet...he never did. I asked him one day how did he get the emotionless face and monotone voice, he only told me, how do you explain colors to a blind man? He can come up with the smartest comebacks like nothing. I finally gained the balls to ask him why he became such a pessimist. His only response was this..."
"Farlan, the only reason for me being a pessimist is quite simple. I've been exposed to reality. Parents and society will try to shroud you from all the horrors that are literally all around us. But the moment you're out there on your own, without the guidance of anyone, you'll realize its a living hell of a world we live in. There's no nice guy passing by extending a hand as he sees you vomiting violently after being forced to take drugs, no one to stop a gang from raping a woman or man, nor anyone to help you as you lay dying on the side of the street. People often say hell is the worst place to be. Hmph, if only they would open their eyes and take a look around. Demons are not in hell. Its the very people we see walking around everyday."
Eren sat their stunned as the raven's brother completely recited something Levi had told him years back. Even then, Levi was a complicated and complex man. Was it possible the raven was not meant to be understood especially at such a deep level that he was? Would there ever be a person to interpret and find the hidden meanings behind Levi's words?
After learning the shocking information on the man who was nothing but his neighbor several months back, now good friend, was certainly quite a handful to take in.
So, Eren, being the bright moron that he is, decided it would be a wise idea to speak with the man after hearing everything that he went through. He wouldn't outright tell him Farlan let him in on the horrors he himself had seen. He would merely want to speak with Levi and see if he was trusted enough, just enough so he could be let in on some information.
The man sipped the black tea that he had prepared for the brunet and himself. The boy thought it would be best to speak with the man in the comfort of Levi's home. "Alright, brat. What is it you wanted to ask of me?"
"U-Um, I wanted to know why you are so complicated."
Levi simply stared at him. "I never wanted to be complicated. I just wanted to be understood."
"W-What do you mean?"
"I never wanted to come off as complex. I just wanted for one damn person to look past all my comments and just see me for the personality and vibe I give off. Not label me immediately as a pessimist with a snap of their fingers. You can think of me as complicated, complex, odd whatever the fuck you want. But, I know, I'm just another person living in this shit world, and no one can prove me wrong of that."
They say that you'll meet one person in your entire lifetime who is not going to shy away from reality. But never once did Eren think of reality in such a harsh manner that Levi had already experienced first hand. Their opinions harshly contrast in every way possible. If you could ask Eren how he felt about the raven and all his interesting parts in his personality. He could name more than ten. If you would ask him how he felt about talking with the man and learning something more. He was very interested and eager to learn more. If you could ask him how much he understood Levi. He would simply stare at you.
By no means did he understand Levi.
Eren sat cooped up in his room several weeks later. He had not spoken to Levi ever since he quite literally got up and walked out of the man's home, ignoring his attempts to stop him. The brunet never had met someone quite like the older man. He needed time to think for now.
He grabbed his notebook and began writing out his thoughts.
'Never once had I met someone so complex and different from myself before. I feel as though I am a new born infant to this world and that man seems like the harsh, cold slap we know as reality. He's not wrong when he says everyone tries to cover up everything in life. My parents and sister did all they could to keep me pure until I was an adult. I feel like a complete moron for never being more observant. Just goes to show everyone will try to cover up the ugly parts nobody wants you to see.'
"So, this is where you've been. Tch, shitty brat."
The brunet's head snapped up as he heard Levi speak.
"You left the front door open, idiot."
Eren chuckled nervously as he rubbed the back of his head. "Damn. I knew I forgot to do something."
Levi rolled his eyes at him as he strode over and sat at the foot of the boy's bed. "I know Farlan came over and talked to you. Must have really been curious about my demeanor, hm?"
"H-How did you know?"
"Knowing my brother as long as I have, he has ways and motives in which I can tell."
"A-Ah, sorry about going behind your back."
"If you were dying of curiosity." Heavy sarcasm in his voice. "Just come ask me, damn brat."
"I-I thought you mind..."
"Not so long as I can tolerate you."
"A-Alright, I guess...why was your mother murdered?"
"Because she was an Ackerman. Our family is known as one of the wealthiest and brilliant families in all of France. For whatever reason, people wanted our family to be gone. Yes, there were families whom were incredibly jealous of our generations success; very few have ever met the accomplishments we've done. Anyway, some other bastards from the head of their families found out I was not Viola's biological son, and found out I had a different mother from Isabel and Farlan. To make this short and less complex, they sent in hit men and took out my mother, ripped my sister from me, and threw me out on the random streets of France. I went over to my father's manor to see if the guards would let me in, but they were also paid to keep me out of there."
"What happened while you were on the streets?"
"A lot of shit, Eren. I learned to become cold because of the very things I witnessed and experienced. I saw a woman being held down against her will then being raped by an entire gang. A man being stabbed to death, someone shot in the face for betraying their gang."
"D-Did you ever kill anyone?"
"Oh, possibly hundreds of people. I was constantly threatened to be killed and raped it wasn't even humorous."
"Do you ever wonder whether your sister is alive or dead?"
"Constantly. I spent eight years of my life looking for her. I haven't seen her even once after we were forcefully separated. I've come to terms that she might be dead."
"And what if she wasn't?"
"I don't believe in what if's, Eren. That's just a magical little word to get your damn hopes up. Then when you find out your what if wasn't good enough, you get all devastated and think its the end of the world. I always look at every decision with an opened mind for both good and bad. Whatever the outcome, there's no one that can affect what's already been done."
"Who taught you those messages and life lessons that you always say?"
"I taught myself as did life. How do you think those fantastic quotes are created, brat? It's through your experiences in life. There's nothing more and nothing less to it. You learn through your fuck up's and smart decisions. That's it. There is literally no one guiding you when you are out there alone. You are in charge of keeping yourself alive, because no one could give a damn whether you lived or not."
Eren was hesitant to ask this next question, but he felt it was necessary or he would simply have another pile of questions. "Why did you tell me all this?"
The man shrugged. "You asked and I trust you."
That was answer enough for the brunet.
As Levi had stated before, you could say whatever you wanted about him, but he was just another human being with flaws and no one could prove him wrong about that. Eren had never admired anyone such as he did with the older man. He had a more world view of things, complex, simple, frightening, you name it, he always had a little saying with it.
Since Levi had shared so much about himself in the months they had known each other, the boy felt it was his turn to open up as well.
"And you're sure about this, brat?"
"Completely."
Levi leaned against the couch in Eren's living room giving the boy his full attention.
"I was born in Germany, as you might or might not know. It...it was tough growing up there. If you were a boy in the Jeager family, you were supposed to be emotionless, responsible, act like an adult and be smart. If you didn't meet those requirements in my family, you were considered worthless. It was that much harder for me to impress my father. Mother really never cared, so long as I was alive, healthy and happy with my life. When we adopted my sister, Mikasa, father laid back some. He also had to set rules for her. Excel in academics, appropriate behavior, all that crap she and I never really listened to.I did amazing in academics and surpassed every expectation of my father. However, I haven't spoken to him since I was actually sixteen."
The older man raised a brow. "Why haven't you spoken to him in that long?"
"My father didn't exactly approve of my sexual orientation; I was attracted to both males and females. Mikasa, herself, was the same way. Thus, led to all the verbal and physical abuse from him. I protected mom and Mikasa day and night from him when he came home drunk and wanted to beat someone. I always took the blunt end of the sword. Hell, I didn't really give a damn whether I was hurt or not, so long as they were safe from him. Mother ended up getting a divorce from him several weeks later. Throughout all the ugliness with my father, I developed self esteem issues, nightmares, insomnia and self-harm. I never told anyone in my family because we already had enough to deal with. I felt like dealing with it myself would be the best method to do so. I didn't want to burden anyone and I still feel that way. Eventually when I turned eighteen, Mikasa, mom, Bertolt and I moved here to America to have a much easier and simple life. So far, it has been."
Levi stared at the boy for a moment before he spoke. "You obviously never listen to a damn word, do you, Jeager? You're not a damn burden to anyone, your mother or sister would have obviously heard everything you had to say and were experiencing with open arms. Yet, when you have someone there, no one ever wants to come clean. Yes, I know you don't want them to think differently of you, that you're mentally and emotionally unstable, and that you might need therapy to get all better. No, you don't need that shit, paying a person who doesn't really give a damn. Someone who would rather hand you a bottle of pills than actually listen to you like they're supposed to. Family, friends anyone who gives a flying fuck about you can help more than anything. That self-harm you oh, so, think will help, well guess what? I've got some terrible news for you, it doesn't. It only makes you want to cut yourself all the more, thinking that's the best way to relieve stress. But what would you do when that next cut ends your life? Hm, how would you be able to console your mother and sister if you're being buried six feet under. I've told you this before, brat. You can go to anyone. There is absolutely no reason for you to be holding this in, especially when you have people surrounding you, always willing to help. Take advantage of that next time. Go to your sister, mother, friends, hell, even me. Just go to anyone. Even if it keeps you alive for one more day, that's a win already."
These kinds of words had never been told to Eren in his twenty one years of life. No one had ever read him as clearly as Levi had, and still be there by his side. He had heard people abandon you in disgust when hearing about something like this. Yet, the raven was here, telling him what he should have done, and what he should do next time. Eren flashed the man a small smile, crystalline tears gathering in his luminescent green eyes. "T-Thank you, Levi."
Levi nodded as he brought the boy into an embrace, tucking the brunet's head under his chin, playfully ruffling his hair. "Of course, Eren. Anything to make you feel better."
The boy ended up crying in the arms of the person who told him all his flaws were justified. He felt content and happy to know someone like Levi.
"So, you finally told him, bro?"
Levi nodded at his brother. "Of course. Since you obviously started the entire opening up emotionally to each other session, why the hell not, you know?"
Farlan chuckled. "Big bro, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're into Eren."
"...And if I am?"
"Wait, really? Well, shit. I've never heard of you ever expressing interest in anyone before."
It was true. Levi was never really one for relationships. He thought they were too complicated, that and he never found the ideal partner before. But, now. He found some brat with beautiful green eyes and a smile that made him feel so fucking mushy on the inside.
The raven leaned back in his seat, idly sipping at his black tea. "That's because no one has ever fascinated me like this shitty brat."
Farlan smiled. "He is a good person, bro. I don't see why you shouldn't go after him."
There was really nothing wrong with trying to make Eren his lover as his brother stated, but the mere fact that his former lover was in town and made frequent visits was the main problem for him.
The blonde noticed the look in his older brother's eyes. "That brute?"
"The brute."
"Kick his ass."
"You have no idea how badly I want to."
"Didn't you make him believe that you and Eren were lovers?"
"He sort of got it. But not enough to where the point he would back off from getting Eren back."
Farlan took a drink from his water. "I would suggest making more hints towards him."
"You don't think I have?"
"I can assume he's oblivious."
"Painfully so."
"My strongest condolences, bro."
"I'll need them with this brat."
Now, Levi is not a romantic, he doesn't have a single bone in his body that is like that. Even though he's French, he isn't one for all that touchy feely crap. He's blunt and outright more than anything.
Holding a white rose in his hand, one he grabbed from his garden in which he took great pride in, brought it over to the boy's home. He raised a hand and knocked on the door as he patiently waited.
The padding of feet against the wooden floor let him know the brunet heard him. When the door opened, he suppressed a chuckle. Eren stood right in front of him wearing his glasses for the first time. He had told the raven he only wore them when he was reading some documents for college.
Eren smiled as he stepped aside and let the man in. "Sorry I couldn't open the door sooner. I was in my room upstairs."
"It's alright. Here." He handed the boy the beautiful white rose.
The brunet smiled as a shade of pink dusted his cheeks. He took the rose and smiled. "Thank you. It's very lovely."
"I got it especially for you..." The man was definitely into this kid if he was getting this bashful around him.
Eren gently stroked the porcelain petals with utmost care, not wanting to damage the rose.
"S-So, what is it you needed my help for?"
"I was beginning to plant my own garden and I saw that you have one as well. Could you please help me?"
Levi nodded. "Of course. I'd love to help." You could say gardening was a guilty pleasure of his. Thank the gods he dressed in dark colors hiding all those stains that activity brought along.
The brunet led them to his kitchen, he grabbed a small vase and filled it half-way with water, placing it on his dining table. "A beautiful touch to this room alright." The boy laughed lightly as he and Levi went to his backyard.
Looking around the spacious backyard, Levi spotted what seemed to be the beginning of a small rose garden. "You plan to put them there, right?"
Eren nodded, "Yeah. I grew up having a rose garden in the yard in that exact same spot." He shrugged. "I got used to it, I guess."
"Just get a feel for the part of home you actually liked, am I right?"
"Yeah, that and my mom was going to be visiting soon. I wanted her to see my home after I moved out of our apartment."
"Set a good impression of it with the roses?"
"That's the plan."
"Why not just show her your entire home and have a chat over tea? I've done that before, works rather well."
"I would, but Mikasa sort of took that already from me. I kinda want to do something different, not the same thing, you know?"
"I suppose. I do it regardless whether or not Farlan and Isabel do that whenever mother and father come to visit us."
"Yeah, but, you know, didn't want mom to do the same thing twice. Besides, she loves flower gardens."
"Whatever you think is fine."
Eren nodded, leading the two over to where he wanted the garden. "I managed to find some white and red roses." He picked up a small tray and knelt down, carefully removing them and placed them in the ground.
Levi did the same. He stopped as he carefully held a red rose. The color bold and rich, obviously it had barely finished blooming.
"Hey, Levi."
"Yes?"
"Is it silly for me to think flowers represent something important?"
"Not at all."
"I just thought that they were something humans look at to feel sadness, joy, anything really. I feel like flowers take in our emotions more, well, since they can't judge."
"Flowers are like life Eren. They start out a seed in the soil, proper sunlight and water, much like a mother's care for her baby while pregnant. Eventually they begin blooming, such as when a father holds his sobbing infant for the first time. As a flower develops the color it will take, its like how someone gains their personality as they age. Finally the petals are all spread out, color bold, able to withstand its own. I feel like a flower is like life. The entire process is similar. You're born, you live and you die. A flower produces smiles among whoever lay eyes upon it, just like your presence does for other people. A flower is no different from a human."
Levi was not a pessimist by what he had found out. Life had merely influenced every opinion he had. The man was not a negative thinker. If anything, he was one whom knew what reality was like. He was just another misunderstood realist.
There's a tattoo on Levi's back in which he absolutely loves, above all his other ones. It's two wings, white and black, crossed over his entire back. The wings of freedom. The man got the tattoo when he and his father were on their trip to France both wanted to have something that symbolized their bond, the one they had spent years on rebuilding. Levi adorned it on his back and his father had it on his left shoulder. He could still recite the words he had told his father after the tattoo was finished.
'This tattoo does not only represent our bond, but a much deeper meaning. I feel like this allows you to be able to spread your wings and forget all the restrictions in the world, if only for a moment.'
His father was not a man of many words, or so it appeared to the public. There were times where the raven thought his father would talk his ears off. He didn't mind. It was just a way of showing that he would also be willing to lend an open ear, seeing as he was an open book himself.
Levi had never told his brother or sister he had been telling their father tid bits of everything that happened to him on the streets when he was younger. There were violent, melancholy, romantic, passionate, regretful times. The raven had been writing his father e-mails everyday, since calling that far would cost him too much money, about the events he was the most comfortable with revealing.
Father,
These private conversations with you have brought me peace in a certain manner in which I have never felt before. I thought that I would never be able to tell another person about the inner demons that I had been fighting off this entire time. You have no idea just how much this all means to me.
As I said last time, I had a lover back in France, even when I was living with you again, I was still in a gang. She and I had met through the gang we were both involved in. This woman was everything that I could have ever wished for. She masked her gentle personality with a mask flawlessly. Her name, Solaire. She and I shared a home back then. She was strong, ruthless, gentle, loving, romantic, passionate, everything I could ever imagine in a woman was in her personality. I loved her a great deal as she did me. I remember those nights after a raid, she would simply hold onto me as we were in bed. Whispering how glad she was that I was alive and how terrified she was when she saw me take on several thugs at once. I remember wiping away her tears as I told her I would stay alive and marry her one day, have children, leave the gang, and be happy.
That was our main intention until several months later when the incident happened. I had woken up in the gang leaders room, his best doctors were treating me. I couldn't remember anything on my own. It wasn't until he had explained everything to me. Apparently, there were nine thugs around me, one of them had me restrained by my arms, while the others took turns beating me nearly to death. Solaire and several other thugs from our gang came in and were unfortunately taken down. I had asked why she wasn't there with me in that room...they had taken her and no one knew where exactly.
I went into a very deep depression after that. I searched for her all over Europe, only to come empty handed. Do you know how painful it was to sit on our bed, recalling all those tender and passionate moments we shared there. I would always reach into my pocket and pull out the engagement ring I had worked so hard to get for her. I had planned to purpose to her after that raid. I finally had gained enough money to be able to afford the home we had been looking at for several months. It all seemed like a dream to her, but I had made all those dreams into reality within time. She was no longer in my sight and I couldn't make any of it happen anymore.
Father, I still look for her today, I contact the thugs back in France and those whom I had met in all of Europe, none have ever seen her. I've come to terms with the possibility of her being dead. It's a cruel fate, but also a very likely one.
I still love her with my entire being, she was the one woman to make me ever feel love, happiness, sorrow and regret. I would love nothing more than to hold her again and call her my wife. Perhaps one day I might and might never find her. Who knows? Only time will tell us.
Father, thank you once again for listening to one of the stories that I had kept so well hidden within my shadow. Please, I would love to hear your advice on this matter.
I miss you and love you,
Your son, Levi.
With a heavy heart, the raven gently shut his laptop and set it to the side. He had never told anyone the story about Solaire. She was a fantastic woman, one he would absolutely love to have with him again. He gingerly touched his right shoulder blade. Her name was written in calligraphy there; her favorite type of writing. Levi still had dreams about the moments they shared together back in France. They were ones he would always treasure. Maybe one day he would find her. The very thought of her in his arms again made him miss her something fierce.
All he wanted in his life, was to say I love you again. He tilted his head back and whispered in French.
"Je t'aime, Solaire."
Levi was never one to believe in fate. He just didn't. It was something he had learned when he was younger. But if this was fate, hell, he was a believer.
It had been two months after he sent his father that e-mail about his past lover. The message he received back was certainly comforting.
Son
First of all, let me say this. I am a proud father to have you as a son. To experience so much and yet still move on. You honestly do not know how much I love that you are able to put so much trust in me, telling me all these hidden personal stories.
I can tell that the love of Solaire affected you deeply. With the way you speak of her, I can almost see a smile across your face, wishing she was there right next to you as you told me this story. This woman does seem to be absolutely perfect for you. Never in all my years did I imagine you speaking with such deep love through your words for her. I do truly wish that someone would find her and let her return to her home, with you.
Only once will you ever meet someone like Solaire. Meeting through what seems like a dark time, when in all reality, you are each other's light, safety blanket, extended hand, the love to keep you going. The engagement ring you got for her is stunning. It certainly does justice in fitting her wonderful personality.
There is also something more I would love to tell you. I have a magnificent surprise for you. I sent it with all the love a father could offer his son. I do truly hope it makes you immensely happy.
Vincent Ackerman.
The man was beyond confused with the final sentence in his father's e-mail. Just what did he mean by a surprise? A knock on his door had him snapping out of his thoughts. Getting up from his seat in the living room, he adjusted his glasses and opened the door. His heart immediately stopped.
He was faced with golden eyes that could only match one person. Silky soft raven hair that reached to her mid-back, flawless pale skin and a beautiful smile to match.
The woman smiled up at him. "Levi. Its been far too long since we last saw each other..."
Levi shakily reached out and took the raven's slender hand in his own. "S-Solaire...is that really you?"
She smiled softly at him, bringing up their hands, placing a kiss on the man's. "It is. l'amour."
Without a moment's hesitation, Levi pulled the woman into a secure embrace.
"By the gods, it is you…"
Solaire wrapped her arms around the raven tightly, burying her face in his chest. "Je vous manqué, mon corbeau."
Levi kissed the top of her head. "Comme moi, mon amour."
It had been so long since he was able to hold the love of his life again, he never wanted this feeling to go away. He felt at peace once more.
Gently taking her inside, the man closed the door, for the much needed privacy.
"Eren."
The boy turned around as his name was called. He had been planting some flowers in the front of his home. "Yes? What can I help you with Farlan?"
Farlan plopped down onto the grass next to the brunet. "Have you seen Levi?"
Eren shook his head. "No. I thought he would be with you or Isabel." He frowned. "Where could he be then?"
"Hell if I know."
Both of their heads snapped up as they heard the raven's faint laughter. Getting up from their spots, they peered over the wooden fence separating Eren and Levi's home. The sight they were met with was completely beyond them.
Levi was laying down on his hammock with a raven haired woman curled up to him. The man was smiling as he kissed her, whispering endearments in French. The woman smiled as she intertwined their fingers, placing her head on the man's chest.
Farlan glanced over at Eren. "Did you know he had a lover?" He spoke quietly, the last thing he wanted was for his older brother to hear them.
The brunet shook his head. "No. He never told me anything about seeing someone." There was a dull throb in his chest. Just…why did it hurt to see Levi like that with the raven haired woman?
Unfortunately they weren't as quiet as they thought. Levi sat up slightly, glancing over his shoulder. "You know you two are welcome to come and ask instead of looking like fucking stalkers."
The woman nodded, smiling as she did so."Levi's right. You can ask whatever you like."
Both males shared a look before jumping over the wooden fence, ignoring Levi's glare as they did so.
Eren and Farlan pulled some chairs up and sat down in front of the pair.
The blonde smiled at the woman. "Very nice to meet you miss. I'm Farlan Ackerman, Levi's younger brother. And this." He pointed to the brunet next to him. "Is Eren Jeager. A friend of ours."
She smiled at them both. "Nice to meet you. I'm Solaire Harvey."
"By that rather intimate display, I can tell that you and my brother are lovers?"
Solaire nodded. "We are."
Farlan chuckled. "May I ask for how long?"
The raven haired female glanced back at Levi. The man nodded. "There's quite a lengthy story to it."
"Don't worry, bro. I got time. So does Eren here." The boy nodded in agreement.
Levi sighed for a moment then began telling the story, exactly how he told their father. By the end of it, Solaire had moved from her spot, sitting on the man's lap, face buried in his shoulder.
Farlan and Eren sat quietly as they both took in the man's story as to how he and his lover met. Neither really knew what to say. To meet in their circumstances and being separated in the manner that they were, only to be reunited several years later. It was probably the darkest love story both Eren and Farlan had ever heard.
The raven was silently comforting his lover as she was shaking in his arms, wiping her tears away, kissing her forehead. "Tout va bien, mon amour. Nous ne pourrons jamais être séparés. Je promets d'être à vos côtés, vous aimer et vous protéger pour le reste de nos vies. Je te'aime, Solaire."
Shakily, she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Je sais, Levi. Je te'aime tellement de choses. Être à nouveau séparé de vous est impossible pour moi d'imaginer. Je ne veux plus jamais quitter le confort de vos bras. Je veux toujours être le seul à avoir tout votre amour."
While the two were exchanging comforting words, the blonde sat there, staring at his brother. He had seen Levi with other people before, but never cared for them in this manner. He had always heard from the raven that those previous relationships meant absolutely nothing. There was only one person in which he would only love. He never thought that there would come a day where he would meet that person. The story made it all the more hard to believe. If you joined a gang back in France, it was clearly never to fall in love with another gang member. It was only for killing, money, and self satisfaction.
Hearing all of that made the blonde realize something. Love could come in the most dangerous, bizarre, romantic, and clumsiest manners. Levi's just happened to fit all that. He knew his brother never intended for all that to happen. He had asked the male once why he decided to join a gang. His response only swirled more questions in his head.
"Hell if I know, Farlan. I thought it would be for the killing, money or the self satisfaction of being a part of one of the most infamous gangs. But once you're there, you begin to realize something. Every single one of those thugs aren't there out of pure selfishness. Some were kicked out of their homes with no where to go, get protection for people they cared about, and other reasons I won't go into depth about. Point being, no one was there willingly. There was always a face or two behind them joining. They aren't demons like we make them out to be. They're more human than most."
Originally, Farlan would have kept prying for Levi's own answer as to why he joined. But, with the display going on in front of him, he began to see why. The raven had unintentionally fallen for someone along the way. Solaire was the whole reason Levi never offed himself like he often said he would, the reason he quit taking so many drugs, the reason he quit drinking, thus preventing him from becoming an alcoholic. It was her memory that kept his older brother on this earth. She had done more than anyone ever had for Levi. Yet, no one had ever known up until now.
He didn't know how Levi was able to stand not having this woman by his side? Through the deep depression he experienced, coming out empty handed in his search for her time and time again. Farlan would never be able to understand his brother's never ending patience, simply waiting for her. Hoping that somehow she was still alive, and not dead like he feared.
The blonde knew his brother was immensely happy at the moment. Hell, who wouldn't be? Having the love of his life back in his arms, the smile on the raven's face, all of it was because of the love he felt for her. Farlan could tell this woman was the one for his brother. If he could trust someone with Levi, it would have to be Solaire.
But glancing over at Eren was a whole different story. He and the brunet had spoken in private on several occasions, and as much as it pained him to say it. Levi would more than likely never return the boy's developing feelings. His love for Solaire was so grand, there was no chance of those two separating. That was life. You couldn't always get everything that you wanted. Sometimes even the love of someone you began having romantic feelings for.
Finally managing to calm down his lover, Levi got up, the female in his arms, motioned for the two to follow him inside. Getting up from their spots, they followed the older male.
The raven set down his lover on a chair and heated up some tea in the meantime. He placed the tea in front of each of them once it was done. Sitting down next to Solaire, wrapping an arm around her, he held his cup in that peculiar manner of his. "Anything else you want to ask?"
Farlan tapped his chin with his index finger. "Do you plan on getting married?"
Levi nodded. "Absolutely. I want to be able to call Solaire my wife one day." Said woman turned a deep red.
The man chuckled. "What? You and I always talked about getting married, having children, moving into a home together. I even got that tattoo like I said I would."
"Y-You did?"
"Of course. You know me. I'm a man of my word."
"Do you mind if I see it?"
Levi nodded as he removed his black shirt, revealing the wings of freedom on his back, his last name of Ackerman on the nape of his neck, and Solaire's name written in Calligraphy on his right shoulder blade.
Lightly tracing over the letters, the woman smiled. "I didn't think you would get this. I told you on our second anniversary."
The man smiled. "We were both seventeen when you told me you loved your name written in calligraphy. I promised to get the tattoo done, and here's the result."
"Where did you get it?"
"Our old gang leader did this right before I moved from France to America."
"He would. That man always loved to give anyone tattoos of their desired request."
Levi put his shirt back on as he caught Eren staring at him. "Something on your mind, brat?"
The brunet nodded. "I didn't know that you had all those tattoos. What do they each mean?"
"The wings of freedom was originally a tattoo my father and I got to symbolize our strong bond. But it means to be able to spread your wings and forget the restrictions in life. The name of Ackerman symbolizes all those I have in my family whom I care about. I take great pride in my family. And Solaire's name means love and light. I wanted her to be always by my side, even when she physically wasn't for some time. She was mentally. I don't think there was a single moment in my life where I didn't think about her."
Solaire turned bright red as she heard Levi talk so fondly of her. And yet people wondered how she could fall in love with someone who appeared to be emotionless on the outside. That was the thing, the man was none of that in private with her. He was tender, gentle, passionate, intelligent, well mannered, a complete gentlemen, the complete opposite of what his outside displayed. The older man was nothing like she had heard from the rumors prior from meeting him. He was supposed to be this ruthless, violent, emotionless, monotone thug who gave no one mercy. The man's eyes resembled ice when he glared, she would admit that much. But those steel grey eyes could also hold an immeasurable amount of love as well.
Hours later, Solaire and Levi laid in bed that night, both staring up at the ceiling. Neither were talking, it just seemed rather pleasant to indulge in the silence for the moment. The woman had placed her head on her lover's chest, intertwining their hands together.
The comfortable silence was broken several moments later, "L'amour?"
Levi glanced down at her. "Yes?"
"Did for one moment you think I was really dead?"
"There were countless amounts of times where I did think that. But, I was being realistic. You were the only person whom I kept my hopes up for. And you know I don't believe in what if's, but I kept thinking, what if she's alive, what if I see her again one day? So, I guess you could say, I did think you were dead. I just kept trying to convince myself you weren't."
Solaire buried her face in his chest. "I'm sorry..."
Placing two fingers under her chin, he lifted her head up; steel grey and gold making contact. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Solaire. What happened was not your fault."
She sat up, placing her hands on her lap. "But I several opportunities to escape, yet I never took the chance when it presented itself. Levi, I could have been here with you sooner. We could have been married already, had a child, just have been together in general."
Levi also sat up, wrapping his arms around her, embracing the woman from behind. "You were scared. I can understand that. You were terrified those bastards would have done something to you." He tightened his embrace. "I just want to find them and make those bastards regret what they did to you. They took the love of my life away, that I can never forgive."
Leaning her head back against the man's chest, Solaire lowered her head. "I just missed you so much. I only thought about you when I was there. They showed me pictures of when you fell into your depression. They laughed at the look on your face and eyes. I just wanted to get out of there and hug you, let you know I was alive. I-I didn't know what to do once they said you left France. I thought you would never come back."
"Of course I would have come back. You were there, but, my family thought it was best should I also have a life together if I were to ever find you again. I didn't want you to see the broken up me. I didn't want to continue to be that broken up version, I wanted to be the person you got to know and loved."
Solaire turned and faced the raven, placing both her hands on his shoulders. "I would still love you regardless. I told you, I wanted your good, your bad, everything, mon corbeau. " She brought their foreheads together, her golden eyes shut. "I just want to marry you. To have the honor of being your wife, and to have you as my husband."
He knew there would no other perfect moment such as this one. Carefully, the man pulled away and reached over to his nightstand, pulling out a small black box.
The raven haired female simply watched him. Not really sure what her older lover was doing.
Levi silently swallowed. He turned back to her, black box hidden behind his back. "Solaire. I've been wanting to do this for several years." He showed her the box and carefully opened it.
Covering her mouth with her hands, Solaire gazed down at the ring. A simple silver band, steel grey stone in the middle, and from what she could see, an engraving on the inside, written in calligraphy. It read, 'Je t'aime, Solaire.' It was exactly like how Levi had described to her when they were eighteen. Tears gathered in her eyes.
The raven took a silent deep breath before speaking. "Solaire. You are and have always been the love of my life, the reason I still walk this earth. It was because of your fantastic memory, I still had the will to go on. You've made me smile, laugh, cry, feel anger, and love. I never thought someone like me would find an amazing woman like yourself. You are my entire world. I've been waiting six years for this, so I want ask. Will you marry me?"
Crystalline tears fell from her golden eyes. "Yes. A million times, yes."
Smiling softly, Levi gently took her hand and placed the ring on her finger. His lover wrapped her arms around him, giving him a kiss with all the love they held for the other.
Levi then proceeded to push her down on the bed...
"So, you're telling me that brute is still going after you?"
"Yeah. I used to think he was someone I could admire. But with his behavior towards me...I'm sure disappointment is what would suit him more."
"And you said he found out we were absolutely nothing?"
Eren nodded. "Yeah. He saw you and Solaire at your home and saw you behave like lovers. It was mainly the ring that gave everything away."
"Shit. What are you going to do now?"
The brunet shrugged. "Who knows? I can't use you to pretend to be my lover. You're engaged already."
Levi sighed. "Don't you have someone else that can help you?"
"Unfortunately no. The best I can do is tell Bertolt that I'm not ever interested in getting back together."
"Let me say this Eren. It's not a good idea to get back with a former lover who hurt you that much. The relationship never ended, it continues from where it left off. There will be more problems, in general, you will just want out. You won't be happy. Just constantly questioning yourself what made you get back with them. Was there ever someone else that interested you romantically?"
That was just exactly the problem. Eren was interested in someone in that manner, and it was the man right in front of him. He knew there would be absolutely no chance of the two being together. Levi didn't really seem all that interested in him over the time that they had gotten to know the other. Gave him fantastic life advice that he began to see was more honest as he observed his atmosphere around him. He had helped him with Bertolt once and it was a complete act. There was nothing romantic nor even hinting it, behind it. The older man was simply helping him get rid of his persistent former lover. Then the love of his life, Solaire, ends up showing up out of completely nowhere and they get engaged only several days after being reunited. Now can you begin to see his problem?
Eren shook his head. "No. No one has caught my interest." A lie.
"Well, shit, Jeager. I can only say telling him to fuck off is your only answer."
"I guess so..."
"Listen, Eren. I know you'll find that person you love more than anything. Of course, you'll face heart break, but who the hell hasn't in their life time? Not everyone is blessed with knowing the love of their life right off the get go. It just doesn't work that way. This isn't some fucking fairy tale. As you grow a bit older, you'll meet different kinds of people, and you'll even be interested in them, and that's perfectly fine. Eventually you'll meet that person you'll settle down with and everything will be placed in your lap. Love takes time. Its not waiting at your doorstep anytime you're ready."
Levi wanted to mention divorce, it was very possible, but thought this would discourage the young brunet. There were some married couples that unfortunately had to get one once they realized things wouldn't work anymore. It was just another part of life. The one where you realized you no longer loved your partner or something happened thus causing the separation. It was a really unpleasant thing to go through, for both the married couple and everyone around them, especially children, but, nothing you can do.
"You're right, Levi." He gave him a small smile. "Someone will come into my life whom I'll eventually love."
It was a damn shame that someone happened to be engaged...
"Now, Levi, are you completely sure that you want to look for your sister? You haven't seen her since you were children back in France."
The raven sighed. "I know, Solaire. But, I want to able to know whether or not she's alive. I just want to have her back."
Solaire wrapped her arms around her fiance's waist as they laid in bed that morning. Levi had been telling her over the past few days how he had been wondering what ever happened to his younger sister that was forcibly taken away from him when they were children. "You know you're going to have to deal with a lot of emotional and physical problems if you find her, right?"
Levi nodded, stroking her hair. "I am aware of that." He truly was. He had gone through a lot just hearing from his fiance, based on what happened to her.
"What they did to me is completely unforgivable, Levi. Are you certain that you want to hear that?"
"If you're comfortable enough to tell me."
Solaire sighed heavily before beginning. "Immediately after they took me away from the raid when you were knocked out, they took me and several other of our gang members to some hidden hide-out of theirs. I don't know where it was even to this day. I was tortured the moment I entered. They kept me in a room by myself. It was always so cold in there, the smell was horrendous, I could hear pained screams all around me, it was a living hell in there."
Levi's fists clenched, his eyes narrowed. "Did they ever touch you in that manner."
The woman shook her head. "No. None of them ever raped the women, I wish I could say the same for the men though. We weren't raped because they didn't want to deal with pregnant women nor children. Just because we were left alone, didn't mean that it wasn't horrible to see them with marks all over their bodies, sobbing uncontrollably. You try to comfort them, you were taken out of your cell and given torture with knives, needles, water, and just about anything that they could think of." She stopped for a moment, deciding whether or not to tell her lover. She thought it would be for the best though.
"I almost killed myself several times in there." She didn't look up, not wanting to see the horrified look on the raven's face. "I was just so tired of it all. The death, fear, pain, all of it. That was the daily routine. I wanted nothing more than to just forget about everything and die. But...the very thought of you and how you would react knowing I died, especially by my own hand, made me stop each time." She closed her eyes. "I'm sorry..." She thought she was being selfish for doing that. Levi had searched for her for so many years, and yet, she was thinking about killing herself. Solaire didn't want to think about the pain that her lover would have to go through all alone.
The raven only brought her into a tight embrace, whispering. "I love you...I missed you...I'm glad to have you back in my arms again...I'll protect you...I'll never let you go..."
It was at that moment, she was glad she went through hell to be back with the one she loved.
"Are you really ready to face all those difficulties together after you find her?"
"I have always loved my sister, even though I don't know what she looks like. There's one thing she always has with her."
"Oh? May I ask what?"
"The red scarf I wrapped around her."
Levi sat down in front of his computer that evening, writing another e-mail to his father. Solaire had left him be, choosing to be with Farlan and Isabel to give him some privacy.
Father,
Its been quite a whirlwind of events ever since I last spoke to you. First, I didn't think something like this would ever happen, Solaire ended up showing completely out of no where. Father, you have no idea how overjoyed I was to be able to see her well and alive. I thought something horrible had happened to her. Yet, now here she is. Solaire and I also ended up getting engaged father. I gave her the ring I've been holding on for so many years. I finally get to marry the woman I've loved my whole life.
But, father, I also have something to ask of you. Do you remember my sister, Mikasa? She and I were separated when we were children, and I was wondering if you had seen her while you were traveling at all, or heard anything about her. I'm very worried about my sister, father. I hope she still has the red scarf I wrapped around her when we were younger. She almost never took if off for a single moment.
I will also be sending the only picture that I have of her. I hope that it helps you in some way. Please, tell me how mother is next time. I would love to hear how she's doing.
Your son,
Levi.
The man clicked on the picture of Mikasa he had saved in his hard drive and attached it to the e-mail. He pressed send once it loaded completely.
He truly hoped that his father could find his sister. He had been searching for her his entire life, only to yet again keep coming empty handed. He was tired of not finding anything anymore. His father was the perfect person to contact about this matter, he had found Solaire after all. All he could do was patiently was until there was some kind of news.
"Eren. I don't see that shorty you used to be with here as much anymore."
The brunet sighed. Mikasa had suddenly decided to come over to his house without letting him know. He was watching a damn good movie too. "He's with his fiance."
She blinked. "Fiance? I thought you said he told you he was a single man."
"He was. Until he told me that the love of his life came literally out of no where. He took the chance and they got engaged several days after being reunited."
"And he still trusts this woman? How does he not know if she's completely changed? Not everyone stays the same, Eren."
The boy nodded. "I know, Mikasa. He told me they had talked for four days straight about everything that happened within the time that they couldn't see each other. Turns out they didn't really change from the last time they were together."
Mikasa slowly nodded. "That's rare to find in someone after so long."
"It is."
The raven was quiet for a moment. There was a very serious reason as to why she even went to her adoptive brother's house.
"Mikasa? Something on your mind." He noticed her brows were furrowed, a look of concentration on her face.
She pulled up her red scarf higher around her mouth. "Eren. I'm thinking about finding my biological brother."
This wouldn't be the first time that his sister had brought something like this up. She had often talked with him and their mother about this. Mikasa could vividly recall seeing her mother getting murdered in front of her, her brother being dragged away, fighting with everything that he could just to get back to her. They were so scary clear to her even to this day. The raven wanted to be able to see her brother again after so many years. She would have contacted her father, but she couldn't remember his name. Whenever she tried to, it all came back as a huge blank. There was nothing that anyone could do for her. Carla and Eren had tried finding out who her biological father was, but to no avail. Not one face matched what little information Mikasa could remember. That, or it was too generic in France.
"Are you sure? You know we haven't been able to find anything in the past." He didn't want to see his sister hurt again. Sure, it would be hard seeing Mikasa with her real brother since he was used to her constant presence.
The raven nodded. "I'm sure. I want to know what became of my brother after we were separated. I have wanted to know for a very long time, Eren. Since I'm more emotionally stable and accepted what happened, I think I'll be able to face my brother, no matter what kind of person he's become."
"I've been wondering this for a long time, Mikasa."
"What?"
"Just what is your brother's name?"
"Rivaille Ackerman."
Flames of Rebirth
I could tell you that I was always happy in my life, but that would call me a liar right off the get go. There were moments in which I felt nothing but happiness, but as we all know, good does eventually come with bad.
My father had me through another woman, that woman was my mother. The woman he would later marry didn't accept me for a very long time since I was not of her own flesh and blood. Suddenly, things moved too fast for my young, innocent eyes. All I could hear were screams of pain and words telling me to run and not look back. Feeling a blunt instrument on the back of my neck, my world immediately met with black. I couldn't recall much after that.
I lived on the streets, just like anyone would when they're all alone. It's not as rare as you would think for an abandoned child to be roaming around those dangerous areas, it was actually quite common. I cannot name the countless amounts of defenseless beings I saw there, wondering if today would be their last day alive. I was considered one of them.
All I could ever recall about this experience was the hell that I went through. No other human from a good family could ever understand me. Until I met her. She understood me in ways that I didn't ever think were possible. It annoyed me whenever she said I was like a book. I can easily be read and there was a deeper meaning behind those complicated words I used more often than not.
I was always terrified whenever there was a fight, and she was within its path. My blood boiled as someone set their filthy eyes on her. There was no way in hell that I would let anyone or anything hurt her. Adrenaline passed through my veins faster than anything else ever had. It was an odd sensation to say the least. I used that adrenaline to dispatch those whom would dare hurt her. I kept this all secret from her. I never wanted her to have a single flash of fear towards me. I only wanted her to feel safe in my presence.
Years had gone by as she held onto me in a different manner. It was no longer in a manner to simply be there, it was a romantic one now. I had finally gotten her in my arms just like I could have only ever imagined before. She was a complicated woman, but one that completed me in ways I still can't describe.
One fight changed everything. No longer was I in my utopia, nor was my queen there with me. She was gone while I was fighting for my pitiful life.
I closed my eyes as the whine of the heart monitor echoed throughout the room. I awoke again, this time, a woman was above me, crying. I glanced around and saw a pure white room. Several doctors and nurses were sighing in relief and in exhaustion. Ah, so, this is what they call reincarnation, huh? This time for sure, I won't fail.
I wish I could say that's what really happened. People only write something like that when there isn't much for them to look forward to in their life. There's going to be pain, both physical and emotional. But, there's not a damn thing you can do about it there. It's inevitable. There is no escape route for this. You deal with whatever you have. That's life for you. It's a dark road, one in which we can never tell what will come our way.
I still fight only because of her memory. There is not a single moment where she doesn't cross my thoughts. That woman has complete idea just what she's done for me. She gave me another reason to keep going on in life. To become something, and not end up on those cold streets again. She is forever my heart and will always be.
That I swear.
Levi set the paper down as he finished reading it aloud to his fiance. That story was inspired from several years back. He was lying in the hospital bed as he wrote all that. He could still vividly recall the looks his father, step mother, brother and sister gave him. He couldn't stand them. So much so, he didn't allow anyone but his gang to see him. The man didn't want his immediate family to see him in the state he had allowed himself to fall in.
Solaire sat on the bed in front of her lover. The man had said that he wanted to show her something, a certain piece of literature that had been inspired by her and what they had gone through. This was a much more brief and shorter version of what happened. The raven knew her lover had gone through so much and his feelings were quite confusing for him in the very beginning of everything. But, to hear the man talk about them first hand was something new to her.
"I-I don't know what to say in all honesty."
"I read this to you because I wanted you to know my feelings in the beginning and how they haven't changed, rather, they grew more than before."
Smiling softly, she took a hold of the man's hands. "It was beautiful, mon corbeau."
"I wrote it because I couldn't accept that I had lost you. Some part of me didn't want to accept the situation at hand. I thought they were only telling me that for their sick games."
Solaire slid closer to him, sitting on his lap, feeling his arms wrap around her. "Those times are over now, l'amour. We're together and getting married." She smiled softly. "Just like we've always wanted to."
The man simply buried his face in her soft raven locks. He knew she was more than correct on everything that she told him. It however didn't get his past experiences to quit haunting him in the least.
"Father?" Levi had merely opened his door to simply put the screen door up when he sees his father standing right there.
The man smiled at his son. "Levi, I'm assuming that you did not read my e-mail to you. Or were you perhaps too busy with being a happily engaged man?" His voice and face became teasing at the end.
Levi coughed to hide his embarrassment. "Yes, well. Uh, no I didn't see your e-mail to me." He was too busy to see it, if you know what he means.
Vincent chuckled as he saw his son's face flush. He too knew what the raven was trying to hide from him. He pat his son's back. "No need to be embarrassed, son."
The raven nodded, he stepped aside allowing his father inside. "I'm sure you're rather tired from flying here last minute. But, where's mother?"
His father stepped in, "Ah, you know your mother, she's resting up in the hotel room. She decided against sleeping on the plane."
"That's right, I remember mother has a fear of sleeping on planes. Keeps thinking they'll stop working while she's sleeping."
The man nodded as he placed his suitcase against the couch as his son led them into the kitchen.
Levi picked the tea pot which had been cooling for the last several minutes. "Black tea, father?"
Vincent nodded as he took a seat at the table. "Yes, thank you."
Taking the two hot cups with him, the raven placed one in front of his father as he sat down. "So, father, what places did you see with mother?"
Taking a sip from his tea, the man began speaking. "I first took your mother to France, back home to visit close friends and her family."
"I would imagine mother absolutely loved that."
"She did. Your mother even bought some souvenirs for you, Farlan and Isabel. You know she loves you children."
"I still find that hard to believe she would love me. She absolutely despised my existence years ago."
His father sighed. "Yes, she was not a nice woman to be around for some time."
"I never thought I would end up seeing her as a mother. I mean, since my biological mother is dead and my biological sister is missing or deceased as well."
"Son. I want you to know, Viola is deeply sorry for all that she has done to you. You are my son, and she didn't accept that for years on end."
"Father, I'll only believe it when I hear the apology from her."
The older man nodded. He always tried to understand his complicated son, and was surprised again and again by him. He had truly wished all the happened to his oldest son never did occur. He would have lived a normal life with his real mother and sister, never suffering through all the emotional and mental trauma. On the other hand, he would have never met his fiance. Both sides had their pros and cons.
"I understand. But, I'm here on a completely different matter. I found your sister."
Levi almost spat out the black tea in his mouth. He coughed for several moments as he felt his father pat his back. "W-What?"
"As you heard. I had some of my former colleagues of mine look for your sister, they looked over the picture, and matched it up with one person."
"And who's that?"
"Mikasa Ackerman. Eren Jeager's adoptive sister."
No amount of words could express the amount of shock the raven felt as his father told him his sister, Mika, as he affectionately called her when they were children, was there by his side all along.
"She knows already. There was anger, shock and then finally tears. She's dying to see her big brother Rivaille again."
"W-Where is she?"
"She should be here momentarily. Now," He stood up from his chair. "You don't mind if I use the guest room to get some sleep before leaving?"
Levi shook his head. "Not at all, father."
Vincent nodded, smiling as he ruffled his son's hair. "The suitcase there is full of gifts." With that, he left the raven there in the kitchen.
Not long after his father left to rest, someone opened his door, walking in at a fast pace into the kitchen. Averting his gaze from his half full tea cup, Levi found himself staring into a pair of steel grey eyes that were similar to his own.
Crystalline tears gathered in the girl's eyes as she ran over and embraced her brother as he stood up. Violent sobs came out from her throat as she tightly held onto him.
Levi wrapped her in a secure hug as he felt tears gather in his own pair of onyx eyes. She was still the same as when they were children. He smiled through his tears as he saw she was still wearing the red scarf he wrapped around her so many years ago. He recalled that moment as he gently rubbed his sister's back.
"Rivaille! Mama says to help me get my warm clothes on!"
The small boy sighed as he stopped at the door making his way back upstairs. He leaned against the door way as his younger sister struggled getting her long-sleeved shirt on. He walked over and gently tugged the shirt down over her head.
Turning around Mikasa smiled up at her older brother. "Merci, Rivai-Chan."
He still blamed his mother for teaching Mikasa some words in Japanese. She was young, and was certain that nickname she had given him would stick.
Levi placed his hands on his hips, a small pout on his face. "How many times have I told you to just call me grand frère?"
She shook her head. "Nope. You're Rivail-Chan." She pouted, her small arms crossing over her chest. "You let Mama call you that. Why not me?"
"She's our Mama. I'm your older brother. Its different, Mika."
The small girl giggled. "Just help me get my warm clothes on. Mama said you have to help me."
Levi sighed as he helped his younger sister get her sweater, warm pants, gloves, ear muffs and coat on. He took her hand once he had helped her get all her warm clothes on. The raven sat her down on the steps as he got on Mikasa's snow boots. He slipped on his own coat over his sweater once he got his boots on too.
Taking her hand once more, both children received a hug and kiss from their mother before going to their backyard to play in the snow.
Laughing, Mikasa laid on her back, sprawling out her arms and legs. She quickly got up and pointed to the ground. "Rivai-Chan, look! I made a snow angel!"
The boy turned his attention away from the snowman he was making to smile at his sister. "It's beautiful, Mika."
She giggled, a light blush on her face. She tried to bring up her sweater higher on her neck, failing miserably.
Levi noticed this as he placed the carrot on the snowman for its nose. He shook his head, smiling. Walking through the snow to get to his sister, he took of his scarf. "Here, Mika. This will keep you warm."
Mikasa smiled. "Thank you, Rivai-Chan...will you always wrap this around me when I'm cold or alone?"
He smiled gently as he wrapped his favorite red scarf around her neck. "No need for a thank you, Mika. I'll always wrap this around you. This will always keep you safe. Remember this when I can't physically be around. Remember I love you, alright?"
"I never thought Rivai-Chan would be you, you know that?"
"I kind of figured. I was much different from my child version."
"Exactly. I thought it was odd that you look exactly alike my brother. I always just shrugged if off. You know, it is kind of a small world."
"It is. But, did you for a moment think I was him?"
Mikasa nodded. "I did for a while there. But, then I began comparing your current personality with your former one. Immediately it hit me that there was no possible way it could be you. Then father came and talked to me about why you changed so drastically."
"...You know."
"I-I do."
"And what do you make of it?"
"I wanted so desperately for us to be together through all of that. I never wanted mother to be murdered, and for you to be the one to see it as you covered my eyes. I always cried as I was roaming the streets of France wondering where those bastards took you. Even when I eventually got to Germany and was adopted into the Jeager family, I always thought of you. You never once left my thoughts even when I saw them as real family. No matter what, Grisha was not my real father, Carla was not my real mother, and Eren was not my real brother. I remembered family with you, Mama and I back in France. My fondest memories are of the times we spent in that small house we all lived in." She placed a hand on her red scarf, the one Levi had given her when they were children. "But above all, my most treasured memory was when you wrapped this scarf around me when we were playing in the backyard in winter."
Levi simply stared at her. "I thought you would eventually end up forgetting me. What with finding your own family and having a somewhat normal life, while I was out there constantly endangering my life, I thought you had somehow thought I was dead after so long."
"I won't lie, I did for two years. But, then I began thinking. Rivai-Chan always said he would stay alive and be there for me, maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally. I knew you were strong enough to get out of your hell. I never had a single doubt. You were always the stronger of the two. Mama often said you were so, so strong. And look, she was right. You got out alive. Your demons may still haunt you, but you still roam this earth despite what happened. Instead of killing yourself, you kept fighting. For Mama's memory, Solaire, Father, Farlan, Isabel and me. You knew we would be absolutely devastated should you have gone through with your thoughts. Knowing that alone, you turned your cheek from all that negativity and became someone. Someone we could all look up to, and even though you might be a confusing figure, we can understand you in a way. We know everything you say and do is for a reason. You don't want us to commit horrid mistakes. You saw so much when you were younger and as you were growing up. You know all the pain and suffering of what wrong choices can bring. You want us to be kept safe and happy with life and ourselves. I know you, Rivai-Chan. You want us to like ourselves and not hate our being like you do. The only thing you want for us, is to know we love every single day of our life and look forward to it. I believe you want life to show its good sides opposed to the darkness it can bring." She placed a hand on top of his. "Whether you may know it or not, we are grateful for that. Your meaningful, yet confusing lectures are always tied to something much deeper. We might be sitting there contemplating your words, but they always end up helping out. You are a fantastic person to be able to help others when you were treated like nothing. You don't use what happened to you as an excuse to bat en eyelash when someone needs help. You extend out your hand when they don't have someone. You are amazing for that, Rivai-Chan."
The raven only tightened his grip on her hand, smiling softly. Despite so many years being apart, Mikasa could still read him like a god damn book.
"It's good to have you back, Mika."
"It's good to have you back too, Rivai-Chan."
"When do you think we should hold the wedding, father?"
"Hmm, are there any specific dates you and Solaire have in mind?"
"There are some. But we really can't decide. What do you think, mother?"
Viola tapped her chin with her index finger. "Hmm, from what I saw you have written down, you are both fond of the idea of a summer or winter wedding."
"Yeah, she convinced me for a wedding in the winter."
His father chuckled. "Son, I never took you for someone to be easily convinced by your finance."
"It was that or not getting laid."
Vincent laughed while his mother shook her head. "Men." She muttered.
Solaire came downstairs, her face a bit pale as she walked over to her fiance, standing next to him. "L-Levi."
Said man looked up, his face instantly showed concerned. He immediately pulled her onto his lap. "What's wrong, l'amour?"
"U-Um, I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but...you're going to be a father."
The raven's face paled considerably even more so than his natural skin color.
Solaire grew more scared as she received no response from her fiance. "I-I'm sorry. I know we planned to have children after we were married, maybe a few months in, b-but, I never planned for this to happen."
Levi wrapped his arms around her, bringing her to his chest. "No need to worry, l'amour." He smiled softly. "I would love nothing more than to have a child with you."
"Y-You aren't angry?"
"Of course not." He placed a hand on her stomach, rubbing gentle circles. "I've always wanted to have a child with you."
Crystalline tears gathered in her eyes. She placed her head on his shoulder. "I'm glad."
Both Levi's mother and father silently watched with fond eyes as their son learned the joy's of becoming a father.
Solaire laughed softly as she watched Levi read a baby book to her stomach. She was barely two months, and yet here her fiance was reading a book to their unborn child.
Levi smiled lovingly up at her. "What? Let me have this. I always told you I would do this." It was true. The man had often told her he would do this the moment he found out they would be expecting a child together.
She reached out and stroked the man's raven hair. "Go ahead. You've waited so long for this."
The raven chuckled softly as he continued reading from the baby book.
Levi laughed as his fiance kept thinking of completely unique baby names.
"What? I think its a good name."
"It makes him sound so...American."
"And what's wrong with that?"
"We're both French."
Solaire sighed. They had been deciding on what to name their child for the past three hours. It would have been a bit easier if they weren't so damn stubborn.
"I...actually thought of a damn if the baby were to be a boy."
"Oh? Care to share?"
"Sebastian."
"What made you think of that name?"
"I had actually had a friend that was named like that. It was several months before I joined the gang we met in. He and I were always together. I thought of him as a brother. He unfortunately ended up dying when we got into a fight with a gang leader from another group. I killed that guy and made a promise I would name my first born son after him."
Solaire's eyes softened as she wrapped her arms around Levi. "Sebastian sounds like a wonderful name for our baby. It must represent a strong willed person., to make sure others are safe, am I right."
Levi nodded. "Yes."
"So do we have the names?"
"Flore and Sebastian Ackerman."
"I can't wait to find out."
"Neither can I."
Several weeks later, they found out they would be having a baby boy.
"We don't really talk much anymore do we, Levi?"
"Not like we used to, Eren."
The brunet inwardly sighed. He thought that it would be best if he got to talk to the raven again. He didn't even remember the last time they had spoken face to face. It seemed so long ago that they had. Eren had invited the older man over to his home to see if they could have another deep conversation that he just loved to have with the raven.
"So, how are you doing in your life, brat?"
"I'm doing alright, I guess."
"Did you figure out what you wanted to do with your life?"
"I have. But, when I begin to think about it realistically, I feel like I'm not worth it. Almost like I'm not good enough."
"What did you decide on?"
"I wanted to become a writer."
"And what makes you think you're not good enough for it?"
"My style of writing and the way that I think. I feel like I can't relate to anyone in the scenarios that I create. There are people that can connect to their audience in short passages, and yet when I try, I feel like I can't do anything."
"Eren. Every damn writer has their doubts about everything that they write. It's nothing new for one to feel that. There is always that lingering doubt whether you think your writing is good enough. You might like it, but what does the reader actually think? Is that a constant question in your head?" He continued when the boy nodded. "Well, you know what, you never know until you put it out there, Take criticism in the right manner. It can only help you get better and develop a more worldly view on everything. You'll end up befriending people who can help you and relate to things you feel should be in a certain way. There are countless amounts of benefits to what can come along when you write something for people to read. This is not only something other people will love, but yourself as well. Make sure that you absolutely want to do this. If it is, do what you think is best. Make sure that your happiness is key."
Eren stayed quiet for several moments. "...Would you mind reading something for me?"
The raven nodded. "Of course, Eren."
Getting up, the brunet went up to his room and grabbed his notebook. Heading back downstairs, he handed the older man the notebook already flipped to his current work.
Brand of Purgatory.
Standing in a never ending sight of pure white, the gears in my mind are on overload. I try to process where I am. Not a single thought nor recollection can possibly go through my mind at the moment given with the situation at hand.
Tentatively sitting down, my body finds it to be a solid surface. Relief washes through my body and for once, it feels more comforting than it ever has. Looking around, all I can see is white. In a way, it's both wonderful and frightening.. It's almost eerie how I had been craving this sickening calm for so long. I've listened to the voices of those whom have all my dislike, it's lovely to not hear those ear splitting voices again.
My main concern, just where was I now? Several moments before I recalled glancing up at the never ending twilight in which we call nighttime. I was enticed by the small dots hovering there, and the crescent shaped moon. Next thing I know, I'm here, without knowing where this white was and what the proper term for this location was.
I reluctantly got up and began walking, in what direction? I don't know, whatever one would lead me out of this place. The sound of my footsteps was the only sound echoing and residing in this never ending white. It sent unpleasant shivers down my spine. Soon I began to feel anxiety pumping through my veins when I realized the scenery didn't change; it kept going.
I began running in what seemed like an endless journey. My chest heaved, heart racing, lungs screaming, adrenaline pumping, fear washing over my body. I stopped for a much needed break. My eyes watering with tears, blurring my vision. I began to think of where I was and it hit me like a hammer to the side of my head.
I threw my head back and released many distressed, lost, and pain filled screams. I knew this one day would come, and yet, I was never ever prepared for it. I never thought of the brand that it would leave behind on me.
And what was its brand...?
...insanity...
Levi looked up at the fidgeting brunet in front of him as soon as he finished reading. "And you had doubt about not being a good writer?"
"I-It's alright, I-I take?"
"It's better than alright, Eren. It's fantastic. I have never read something this amazing before in my entire life. Where did you come up with such an idea?"
"It was based on I dream I has several years back. It was kind of my favorite dream in a way. I've always wanted to share it with other people. But, I never knew how."
"This is what you should be writing. Something that you think others will enjoy. Don't write what seems mainstream, branch out and do the very thing that everyone seemed to be avoiding. Doing things that are this extraordinary and impossible to find, shows that you are meant to be a writer. Keep doing this, and I can guarantee people will become more enticed to read your work."
The brunet turned a deep red at the numerous praises. Never once had he received so much positive feedback from someone before. It was a new feelings, but one that he would love to constantly experience again and again. "Thank you for reading this, Levi. I really appreciate it."
"Of course. You ever have anything else you want someone to read, let me know. I'm rather interested in what other works you'll make in the future."
"Sure thing."
"It's about damn time that you and Solaire got married, Rivai-Chan. I thought you guys would put it off forever."
"We are expecting a child, Mika. Give me some slack."
"Levi, Mikasa is right. Your mother was the one who practically did everything."
"Shut it, brat."
Eren and Mikasa laughed as the raven snapped at them. Their words did hold some truth though. It was all because of Viola that the man had actually gotten married. She took over all the wedding plans while the two ravens were too caught up in their unborn child.
"Ah, so when is Solaire due, Rivai-Chan?"
The older man took a sip of his tea. "Some time late December."
Eren snickered. "I can't wait to see a miniature Levi running around."
"Wait, is there a possibility that your baby will be born near your birthday or possibly on the same day?"
Levi placed his cup down as both brunet and raven stared at him. "The doctors also wondered that as well. Said there would be a chance that would happen."
"And what do you think of it?"
"If my child and I hold the same birthday there's not much to it. We merely celebrate getting another year older at the same time. Though I doubt it will happen."
Mikasa grinned. "How much do you want to bet your child will have the same birthday as you?"
"Depends. What do you want me to do?"
"Tattoo his name on your left shoulder."
"Deal."
True to what Mikasa said, his son, Sebastian, was born on December 25th, at one in the morning.
Life was almost no different since Sebastian was born. He and Solaire still went about their normal days. His wife decided to stay at home while Levi continued to run his company.
The raven was currently rocking his son to sleep. He stayed home when Erwin informed him there was nothing to be done there. He was barely waking up when the blonde had let him know.
He would have gotten more sleep, but his son's crying wouldn't allow him to. He had gotten out of bed, telling Solaire he would put their son back to sleep. His wife already had too much to do around the house and taking care of their son. He helped in whatever manner he could.
"Pas besoin de verser des larmes, mon fils. Papa est là pour prendre soin de vous." His son stopped crying for a moment, crystalline tears in steel grey eyes that were exactly like his own. The man smiled gently and stroked his son's raven hair.
"Vous êtes la lumière de ma vie, savez-vous que vous êtes une partie de la mine et de l'amour de votre maman. Je promets de vous protéger avec tout ce que je suis. Peu importe ce que vous faites ou dites que vous vieillissez, vous êtes mon fils avant tout. je vais vous assurer que vous allez dans la bonne voie. je te aime, Sebastian." The baby boy lifted up a small hand and placed it on his father's cheek. Levi chuckled softly, rubbing his son's back. Idly swaying back and forth in the rocking chair he was sitting on.
"Mon, vous semblez me comprendre très bien, mon fils. Vous êtes certainement comme votre maman et moi je ne peux pas attendre de vous voir courir ici, vos sourires, rires, me appeler papa que vous me priez de vous transporter. Apprentissage de parler, d'écrire votre propre nom, être capable de compter jusqu'à dix, toutes ces petites découvertes sont quelque chose que je attends avec beaucoup d'impatience." He whispered to his son soothingly.
He watched with tender eyes as his son slowly drifted to sleep. He kissed the boy's forehead as he got up and set him in his crib. "Je t'aime, Sebastian." He told his son quietly as he walked out.
Levi slipped in bed as his wife curled up to him. "You're a fantastic father..."
He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. "And you're a fantastic mother."
He meant it all the way to the bitter end, even as he watched his wife's heart monitor flatten.
Levi held a sobbing seven year old Sebastian to his chest, chocking back his own tears. "I-It's alright, Sebastian. Papa is here t-to take c-care of you." His composure was slowly, painfully so, crumbling apart.
"B-but, M-mama is gone! I miss her, papa!" The little boy wailed.
The raven held on tighter to his son. "I-I know, son. I m-miss her very m-much as well." Tears began falling down his cheeks.
Sebastian kept a tight grip on his father, fearing, he too, would lose his father. He didn't want to lose his last remaining family member.
After several hours of crying his eyes out, the young boy fell asleep on the couch while his father was currently talking with his father, mother, Mikasa, Isabel, Farlan and Eren.
Vincent placed a comforting hand on his son's shoulder. "You are not to blame for what happened, Levi."
The man's hands clenched into fists, nails digging painfully into his palms. "I am to blame for this, father. If I had been stronger, I could have saved her. She didn't have any reason to die when it should have been me. I should have died in her stead."
"Do you think that would make things any less painful?"
Everyone's heads snapped towards Eren, who had been quiet throughout the whole ordeal. Levi's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What?"
"Even if you had died in her stead, people would still be crying. The pain would not have lessened at all for anyone, especially your son and your wife. They also would have been crying and Solaire would also have been wondering what she could have done to help you. She also would have been mourning your loss horribly like you are for her right now. It doesn't matter what could have happened. People would still be crying, one of you would have been dead and the other would almost lose their sanity."
Levi got up and towered over Eren. The aura around him was dangerous. "And how the fuck do you know how I feel right now? You didn't know her in the manner that I did."
"I might not have, but the way that I saw you two act around each other, the pure love in your eyes and in the actions spoke loudly enough for me to understand. You both held each other tightly, never wanting to let go. You both went through hell to get to the other again, and you eventually were able to hold each other again. Just because you were able to have happiness, didn't mean there would be sadness mixed in there as well. You said so yourself; things are going to happen, and sometimes you can't stop it. Some things in life are inevitable. Just because she's not physically here anymore, does it really mean that she's dead? No. She lives on in your memories just like in your son's. She still has a home and place in your hearts. A woman like her can never truly be gone. She told you as she was dying, she had lived a wonderful life with her husband and son, impacted many people's lives, and got to experience everything just like everyone else eventually would. Solaire gave her life meaning and purpose. That was all she wanted, Levi. For god's sake, she told you nothing that happened was your fault, neither was it her's nor any of ours. What happened was a tragedy, yes. But you can eventually get over this and look back fondly on these days and share them with Sebastian as he gets older. Solaire didn't go through everything that she did just so you would lose your damn mind. She wanted you to continue to fight on for yourself and your son. Levi, she doesn't want you to suffer a horrible end because of your uncontrollable emotions. Solaire wants you to live on for yourself, Sebastian and her memory. That was all she ever wanted. Listen to her words, Levi."
The room was a dead silence as Eren finished speaking. No one knew what to say. How could they though? The brunet was so painfully true in everything that he just told the heartbroken raven. There was so much truth laced in his words, it was so damn painful to hear.
"I know, alright? I know. I know Solaire is not really dead. She..." Levi swallowed thickly. "She was just my entire life. A woman like her made me become a better person. I fought so much darkness in my life because of her memory. Solaire gave me so much fortune, much more than anyone I know. She gave me her love back when we were in the gang in France, I was distraught when I heard she was taken from me, suffered depression while she was missing, I pretended to be alright as time went on, when really. I was slowly killing myself on the inside. Then when I saw her right in front of me, all that darkness died.. She made me keep on living. We have a son created out of our love. Solaire was...everything to me. But, I know she meant well in her dying words."
"That's right, Levi. She did. All she wants, is for you to continue on. Listen to her words." The brunet got up and embraced the raven as he began to heavily sob. Everyone else got up, tears in their eyes and hugged the raven.
"Thank you, all of you..."
"And that's what happened the night of your mother's funeral." Levi sat next to his son on the living room couch six years later. He had always wanted to share that story with Sebastian. He felt like his son needed to know how he and Solaire had met oh, so long ago.
The thirteen year old boy glanced up at his father. "Thank you for telling me all that, Dad. I know it must have been hard for you to go through everything that you did."
"It was, son."
So much had happened in that six years, it almost feels unreal to Levi. He had learned to cope with his wife's death a year later, thus dedicating himself to being Sebastian's only parent. He had gotten to where he is now because of everyone's support.
"Say, dad..."
"Yes, Sebastian?"
"Is there someone you're interested in?"
The raven blushed and cursed himself when he saw his son grin. "So you know?"
Sebastian turned and faced his father, his leg's crossed. "Of course, I know Dad. You make it too painfully obvious. You're so into Eren. Ask him out."
"I don't know, son. Its been so long since I've dated anyone."
The boy rolled his eyes. "Come on, Dad. Stop making excuses and go after him."
Levi rubbed the back of his head. "I'm still not sure."
"Dad. Mom's been gone for six years. You know she wanted you to move on in your love life and not restrain yourself because of what happened. You deserve to be happy."
The raven waited for a moment before smiling. "You really want me to?"
"Yes!"
"You wouldn't think it's weird?"
"Dad. You know I love having Eren around. Especially when you two shamelessly flirt. I have no problem with it."
"Completely sure."
"Dad."
Levi chuckled. "Alright, alright. I have an idea." He pulled out his cellphone and dialed a number quickly.
"Hello?"
"Mika. I need a key to Eren's house."
"Consider it done."
Eren got home later that night after he and Armin had completed so much work for their current book. They had completed so much in these six years. The brunet already got to know the joy of having one of his works published.
He stopped when he saw a dim light in his kitchen. Slowly putting his things down, he made his way to his kitchen. Eren stopped in his tracks at the surprise.
Levi stood there, clad in a nice black suit; the same one he wore when they had first met.
The man turned around when he felt someone staring at his back. "Eren. Welcome home."
"L-Levi? What are you doing here?"
"Something I should have done a long time ago."
"What-" He was cut off as the man took his hand gently into his own.
"Eren Jeager, will you go out with me?"
The brunet covered his mouth with his other hand, tears of happiness in his luminescent green eyes. "Yes..."
Levi smiled as he brought Eren into his arms, placing a loving kiss on his lips.
Eren closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around the older man's neck. He had waited so long for this moment to happen. Now that it was here, it almost felt unreal. He vowed to love the raven as long as he lived.
He swore on his love for Levi.
Epilogue (Ereri)
"Eren, you are a stubborn shit you know that?"
The brunet laughed as he kissed his fiance. "I'm your stubborn shit, though."
Fifteen year old Sebastian snickered from his place on the living room floor as he watched his father and soon to be other father. "Dad, Eren is going to win regardless."
Levi sighed. "I can't win against you two, can I?"
Both the raven and brunet laughed.
Yes, things fell into place after Levi had asked Eren to be his lover. The raven had finally learned to leave all unpleasant things in the past. What's done is done and should be left where it belongs; in the past.
Mikasa had become the doctor that she aspired to be and was currently on her honeymoon with her husband, Jean. Whom Eren was still not particularly fond with.
Isabel and Farlan were finally finished with their schooling and helped out Levi with their father's company. The blonde was surprisingly good with numbers and the red head with people skills. Levi often sent her to the meetings he was supposed to be at, but always ended in success when his sister filled in.
Vincent and Viola finally settled on staying in America when their traveling bout was over. The two kept in constant contact with their children even as they spent all their time together.
Eren smiled as he wrapped his arms around his fiance's neck. "And Levi. I have something important to tell you."
The raven raised a brow. "Oh? What's that?"
"I'm expecting your child."
Levi's eyes widened and Sebastian sighed heavily. "Again Dad? Don't you know when to wait?"
Eren laughed as his fiance embraced him tightly. "Another baby, huh? Well, I'm all ready to raise another one."
"I'm ready too."
The brunet smiled down fondly at his new born baby girl as she slept soundly in her soft white blanket. "Hard to believe she's already here."
Levi nodded, his steel grey eyes tender. "It is. Nine months came and went by so fast."
Sebastian stood behind his father, smiling at his new baby sister. "And yet Dad was still on edge about everything."
"You'll learn later on why I was like that when you become a father, son."
Eren glanced up at his son and husband. "So, do you two have a name for her?"
Both father and son shared a look and nodded. "Yes. It will suit her perfectly."
"What's that."
"Solaire."
Epilogue (Solaire)
"You have no idea how relieved I am to know you're alright." Levi held on tight to his wife as they laid in bed. Solaire had been released from the hospital that week and he was scared that he was going to lose her. He constantly waited by her bedside for her to recover after eight months.
Solaire buried her face in his chest. "I was so scared I wouldn't be able to see you anymore, Mon corbeau."
"But, you're here now. That's all that matters."
"It is."
The two had gone through so much in her near death experience. It scared them both something fierce whenever they began to think what would have happened should Solaire not have made it.
"I was afraid Sebastian would be losing his mother at such a young age. I was terrified...I would lose you, the love of my life."
Solaire placed a hand gently on her husband's cheek. "There's nothing to fear anymore, Levi. I'm here with you, in your arms where I belong."
"I'm sorry that I failed to protect you. I should have been there." Levi lowered his head, bangs covering his eyes. It was all his fault that his wife had to suffer through all that pain and emotional trauma.
"Levi. None of this is your fault. What happened was something no one could have ever predicted would occur. Do not pin the blame on yourself when it's something this serious. I could have died, but I lived through some holy miracle. You can't make yourself feel like this all happened because you were weak; because you are not. You are the strongest person that I know. I know you cried heavily when you saw me heavily injured in that hospital bed, nothing but the heart monitor's sound to accompany you. I know it must have been incredibly stressful for you to experience all that on your own. Sebastian, is our son, yes, but he couldn't process this entire situation, he's only a child no matter how observant or intelligent he turned out to be. He only knew that his mother was in an excruciating amount of pain. He couldn't fathom the idea that someone would do this to his gentle, loving mother. No child could ever connect all this together. But an adult can. You can, Levi. I could see the swirl of emotions in those eyes of yours. You were...lost. So very lost, almost to the point where you didn't know what was right and wrong. There were nights where I listened to nothing but your sobbing. I knew you did the best you could to hold yourself together for me, Sebastian, everyone and yourself. But the pressure became too much for you to handle, and you only cried at night. Levi, the person who is is to blame would not feel all that. They would be satisfied that the outcome came out as they wanted. You did nothing but stay at my side and experience heavy emotion. Now you tell me someone who wanted to murder another and would act like that." She stared into his grey orbs, waiting patiently for his answer.
The man stared back into intoxicating golden eyes. His wife did speak truth in her words. He shouldn't have felt like he was at fault, but he could not help but feel that way. He promised to protect her and failed. He saw her hurt, fighting for her life, while he was merely sitting there because everyone knew if he found the person responsible for putting Solaire in the hospital, Levi would have killed that person with his bare hands. "I-I was just terrified I would lose you..."
Golden eyes softened as Solaire put her slender hands on his face tenderly. "Il n'y a plus rien à craindre, mon corbeau. Je suis vivant et bien, rien de plus qui se est passé. Je ai récupéré et nous sommes de retour ensemble. Vous, moi et notre fils. La vie a repris à la façon dont il devrait être. laissons derrière cette obscurité et de se concentrer sur notre avenir ensemble."
He nodded slightly, his eyes closed, his forehead resting against his wife's. "Oui, mon amour. Il ya beaucoup à espérer dans notre vie."
Levi continued to hold onto his wife, vowing to himself he would protect her until the day they should both die.
"Did you ever imagine us having another child a year later?"
"In all honesty, I never planned for this to happen."
Solaire laughed gently as she gazed down at their new born daughter. The little girl had taken on her father's beautiful steel grey eyes and her facial features. "You have a princess now. You'll have to protect her."
Levi nodded. "I'll be sure of that. You too, Sebastian." He bounced their seven year old son on his lap. "Make sure you be good to your younger sister."
Sebastian nodded. "Of course, papa. I'll protect her like a good big brother." He puffed out his small chest making his mother and father laugh.
"So, Levi. Do you have a name?"
"You know I do."
"And that is?"
"Flore Ackerman."
Life is like a chessboard. Your decisions can either be smart and strategic or clumsy and idiotic. The situation at hand can normally help us in our choices. All you can do is play round after round until you hit checkmate.
Fin.
Hey, guys this is 'Levi' here. (Yes, I literally added the air quotes as I wrote this.) I wanted to thank all of you for reading this and especially for Erenlevijeager, otherwise known as Yami-Chan for writing this. She tackled this incredibly personal project head on. What you guys all just read was my life story. My wife and I have always wanted to share this, but never found someone we trusted enough. I met her three years ago, and I can honestly say, I cannot imagine this child not in my life. She has helped me go through so much closure my wife and I very much needed. I just want to say thank you to everyone who read this, and to Yami-Chan, sincerely thank you. You have helped me out so much and I can never repay you for so much kindness. I hope you all liked reading this, and be sure to thank Yami-Chan for writing this and being patient and making sure I was comfortable with everything that's written here. She is a fantastic person, and someone whom I see like a younger sister. Thank you and I love you, Yami-Chan. Yes, 'Levi' and I will be answering any questions that you guys have. Feel free to ask. He and I will answer anything you guys have. Thank you for reading!