A/N

Hey everyone Xena here. I am going to upload this in chapters and will try to do so every other week, but it may be once a month sice I don't have my own computer.

I hope that it you like it, it's my first Exo fic.

Tao sat at the table. He hummed a tune that he couldn't place, had he made it up? No, probably not, he had probably heard it on a commercial. He layed his head on the surface of the table, the cool felt nice against the flush in his face. He didn't know what time it was but he was sure that it was late. The music had stopped in Lay's room and Chen had turned off the game system hours ago. Silence had filled the dorm, but not Tao's head. His mind was so loud that it kept him awake. He heard their new songs, he heard raps he was starting to write that he would never finish, he heard Kris. He heard Kris a lot, always late at night when he didn't want to, and never when he did.

It had been almost a year since Kris left and the lawsuits were still front page news on almost every kpop site. At first the contact between he and Tao had stopped completely with Tao ignoring any effort Kris made and SM informing the remaining eleven members that they were not to speak to Kris, telling them he had betrayed them. Then he had picked up the phone, he had listened to the Hyung's apology and he had cried and he had accepted. Then Luhan left and the pain in the group renewed itself, this time tearing down Sehun the way it had Tao the first time. He wanted to be there for his friend but Sehun had withdrawn and soon after the members of K were sent back to Korea and M was left to peice itself back together... again. Tao couldn't help but wonder if Sehun had reacted the same way he had. Or if he was sat at their kitchen table in front of his phone debating whether to call or text his...something. That was what he guessed hurt the most, that he didn't know what he was to Kris anymore. He barely knew to begin with.

Tao grabbed the cup next to him and took a large gulp. Bourbon wasn't his drink of choice, no drink was really. It's hard to play the part of precious maknae, delicate and doing aegyo when a pounding hangover makes you want to murder everyone around you. That must be how Kyungsoo feels all the time. Tao thought to himself then had to cover his mouth so he woudn't laugh too loud and wake the other members. His head was swimming and he smiled for the first time all night.

"Thank you Xiumin," he whispered filling his glass again and going to put the bottle back in the spot Xiumin had thought was so crafty of a place to hide his booze. Everyone but the manager knew where it was, and that's just because the manager never bothered to look for it. After he stood up, though, he decide that maybe he wasn't done drinking just yet.

He climbed on top of the table and got to work on the cup he had poured, he felt brave. He felt the warm in his chest spread to his arms, then his fingers, then to the screen on his cell phone where he typed in Kris' number. As it rang once, twice, three times Tao's heart sank. Each ring went on for eternity. What if Kris was ignoring his calls? What if Kris hated him, and found him annoying and that's why he didn't call more? What if he had been trying to ditch Tao for a year now and he was just to stupid to notice? By the time Kris answered the phone Tao was angry and sad.

"Hello?" Kris answered in an almost grunt.

"Hello Kris ge ge." Tao decided to make Kris really see what he was missing.

Tao heard Kris shift in his bed and mumble something that sounded like it might be in English.

"Tao do you have any idea what time it is? What are you doing up?" His voice was thick with sleep.

"I couldn't sleep." He almost hissed. After hearing his voice the plan seemed silly. A new plan formed almost instantly and Tao grinned wickedly as he spoke into the phone.

"Do you remember our first kiss? Your mouth was so sweet. You tasted like alcohol and bubble tea. I didn't even know you drank bubble tea, thought it was just a HunHan thing. They have a cute name yeah? Anyway, I was so excited because you were the leader you know? You were this handsome guy and I didn't ever think you would go for me. Well I'd thought about what would happen if you did. I thought about you fucking me. The look on you face as you came inside me. My thoughts were nothing compared to the real thing. God, you're hot. I'm getting bothered just thinking about it. But yeah so I had you, and I thought that was great. You didn't want to mess up the group dynamic or whatever so we hid it. But everyone knew." Tao laughed and began speaking louder. "I was cool with that at first. I still had you. Then we told the group. They were cool too. Sure you were a tad possessive sometimes, but I thought it was cute. I thought it meant you cared for me like I cared for you. I loved you. I told you so, and you said... what did you say Kris? Oh yes, that's right you said I know Tao and then I got to top. You said you loved me during sex once. And then in the months before you left you made sure I knew you loved me. Before then though, and since, I've had to guess. I still love you though. My first true love."

He emptied his glass and missed sitting it back on the table sending it falling to shatter on the tile. "Oops." It didn't bother him, he would clean up when he was done with his chat.

"What was that?" He sounded sad.

"Nothing oppa." He tried to go back to his cute voice. "How was the premier?"

"Tao you need to get some sleep. I will call you in the morning." Kris had a small crack in his voice. How sweet, he didn't want Tao to hear him cry, didn't want to let him know that he had hurt him.

"Don't you want to talk me gege? The manager isn't here tonight and I thought we could talk." His words started to bleed into each other. "Or better yet you could come over. I would love to see you in person. We could catch up, krisala. I have the room to myself and a very easy to reach window. How long has it been since we've caught up?" He took a drink from the bottle very glad that he didn't put it away.

"Tao, I would love to you know that bu..."

"You could do anything hyung. My mouth is sweet. I would even let you.."

"Tao are drunk?" Kris asked having finally caught on.

Tao just chuckled into the phone.

"Tao what the hell how did you eve...shit. Xiumin's stash. I threw that out."

"You aren't here to stop him from getting more." He knew it was a low blow but right then he didn't care. It was true he wasn't there, they had no leader.

"Tao." He sounded like he might start crying. "I told you how sorry I was."

"And I forgave you Krissu. Just like I always do. I'm not mad that you left, you had good reasons. I am simply saying you can't affect what happens here anymore." Tao felt his eyes tear up and he tightened his jaw, he wouldn't let Kris hear him be weak. It was Kris' turn to cry, his turn to hurt and be weak.

"Will you open your window for me panda?" Kris asked a break in his voice.

"Don't call me that." he said draining the bottle a little further.

"Tao please."

"It's always open for you." Tao said and pressed the end button.