Phantom: What Not To Do

by celeste98

I saw a couple of What Not to Do style lists on here, so I decided to make my own Phantom themed one. This is my first fic on here so reviews are very welcome! Will decided whether to add on to it in the future, so for now it's complete.

Phantom of the Opera: What not to do should I somehow find myself at the Opera Populaire

I will not spray paint Christine's father's violin bright neon pink.

I will not convert the torture chamber into a sauna.

I will not tell Erik that he has a long lost twin brother living in Gotham City *wink wink*.

On that note, I will not steal Erik's cloak and black mask, then proceed to run around loudly singing the batman theme song.

Nor will I force Erik to ask someone "You want to know how I got these scars?".

I will not ask Raoul if I can borrow some of his hair care products.

I will not strategically place banana peels when Erik is lurking around.

I will not install colored strobe lights during the the Masquerade scene.

Nor will I play the soundtrack from Saturday Night Fever.

I will not give Firmin and Andre a pamphlet for gay couples marriage counseling.

I will not sneak a little "Irish coffee" into Erik's tea, then proceed to film the drunken antics that follow.

I will not make dumb blond jokes around Christine.

I will not loudly announce to the entire opera house that Raoul is a closet homosexual.

I will not replace Christine's masquerade costume at the last minute with a dominatrix outfit, whip included.

I will not make the main characters dress up as the characters from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Nor will I ever force them to put on the production, even if it would give me a good excuse to throw toast at Raoul and Carlotta.

I will not tell the phangirls how to get into Erik's lair. I really don't want to find myself at the end of a punjab lasso anytime soon.

I will not convince Christine to go goth.

I will not steal Madame Giry's cane and start singing Lovely Ladies as I pace around the ballet rats. Even though it makes a perfect pimp cane.

I will not make Erik listen to Justin Beiber.

Nor will I make anyone listen to Justin Beiber.

I will not replace Erik's parchment paper with girly stationary.

I will not bad mouth Christine's singing around Erik.

I will not tell Meg that her mother is going to whore her out in Love Never Dies.

When people come down to the lair, I will not say "Gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair" in my best Doctor Evil impression.

I will not show the characters the 1998 film version. Frankly I will never show anyone the 1998 film version. *shudders*

When Erik is crying on the rooftop after All I Ask of You, I will not smack him across the head saying "Should of had a V8".

When traveling to the cemetery, I will not constantly ask "Are we there yet?"

I will not tell Erik or Raoul that Christine is a lesbian.

I will not steal Christine's engagement ring to try and form a fellowship.

I will not tell Raoul to embrace his inner goddess .

I will not give a group therapy session to the characters.

I will not giggle every time Erik says he's going to play on his organ.

When Carlotta is having one of her whining sessions, I will not tell her to go write a blog about it.

I will not inform Erik and Raoul of the many slash fics about them on FF.

I will not explain to them what fan fiction is.

If Erik catches me in Box 5, I will not ask " Is this seat taken?"

I will not put pink hair dye in Raoul's hair care products.

I will not replace Erik's black cloaks with flamboyant "Liberace" style cloaks.

I will not take Erik's fireball staff, climb on top of the Daae mausoleum, hold the staff in the air, and yell "YOU...SHALL NOT...PASS!"