AN: WARNING- Spoilers for 2-18. Here is a quick one shot taking place after the events of 2-18 (TURN BACK NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT ABOUT SAID EVENTS). I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
The Truth
My hands are stained with red, the red of your blood. I guess it is only fitting considering that it is my fault that your blood spilled onto the pavement, my fault that machines are the only thing that keep you clinging onto life. And it will be my fault if you…
No, I can't go there, not yet. I am barely holding on, there is no hope for me if I give up on you or if you give up on me. Now it's only fair that I explain to you what got us here, why I refused to give it to you even after your clear warning. "Of life or death importance"… If only I had listened to you. To be fair, you do tend to over-exaggerate things, you can be quite the drama queen at times.
But again, that does not answer the question. I have become quite good at avoiding things, a trick I learned from you- I guess I can't say that you have taught me nothing. So why didn't I give it to you- the fulcrum, the object that holds so much power over so many people.
The answer seems obvious, I did it for leverage, I did it to find answers to questions that I haven't even begun to ask because you hold the key to them, you hold the key to my past. Now this might have made sense if I had actually attempted to interrogate you with the help of the fulcrum, but as we both know I didn't. You somehow figured it out on your own- I don't know if I've told you this but you have an uncanny ability to find out things about me that I don't want you to know. Which is really everything about my life, at least not until I know more about yours.
I know, I am deflecting again. I can't find a simple answer for you, Red. All I know is that I need for you to wake up for me. I need for you to keep on fighting; I need for you to get through this. For me, Red.
Because the truth is I kept the fulcrum from you because I couldn't let you leave me.
It's funny how life decides to throw things at you all at once. Most of your life consists of just average days and then every once in a while life decides to throw in a day that will change you forever.
For example, one moment you can have your life figuratively hanging on the line as the only person you care about walks away and the next moment a piece of steel can be tearing through your chest and your life is literally hanging on the line.
It's also funny that no matter how many times you are shot you never really get used to it. Take it from me, I have been shot more times than many people would think physically possible, yet as the bullet teared through me the pain was just as shocking as ever. My thoughts fled just as fast- only one thought was able to get through, you.
Now I am swimming in the deep gray, somewhere between here and there. Removed from the pain, removed from the senses, just floating in a pool of cold numbness. Only my thoughts to keep me company, a familiar place for me.
I know at this point the battle of will is over. Now it is up to my body to pull through, no amount of wishing could affect the balance of life and death at this point. Now it is just a waiting game.
Of course my mind replays the events that led me here. Your voice, the tears, the pain as you walk away- leaving me, leaving me for good. That had hurt more than a bullet ever could, had hurt more than any amount of torture placed on my body. For physical wounds heal, but shattered minds can never be put back together.
At least that is what I had thought before I had met you. I had thought that I was broken, unfixable, a contorted figure of the man I once was. The darkness had been so deep then, too engrained in me for me to see the light or even see the possibility of the light. You showed me the light and I can't help but be drawn to it, sensing that you could be my savior; you could heal my shattered soul.
But as I knew I always would, I shattered you. One can only spend so much time around a monster before they are either destroyed or become a monster themselves. Either way, I have destroyed you.
Even now, with this knowledge I can't help but longing for your voice, craving the sight of you on the other side like an addict craves his drugs. Even now, I fight for you; I will always fight for you.
Because the truth is I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you.
It has been three hours now, Red. Three hours since my world fell apart, three hours since the bullet teared through your chest.
I've done a lot of thinking in this time, I've had nothing to do except wait and think. I've done a lot of thinking about us.
The first thing I want to let you know, if- once you wake up, is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry, so sorry Red for everything, not just refusing to give you the fulcrum and landing you here. I am sorry for Tom, I am sorry for keeping things from you, I am sorry for treating you like a monster… I am sorry for it all. You deserve better Red, even though I know you feel differently.
The second thing I'd like to do is to beat the living shit out of you. Once you're healed enough to take a beating, of course. I am beating you for scaring me like this Red, and of course for Tom- I still don't know why the hell you did it and you will definitely have to explain eventually, but not yet.
Because after that I want you to kiss me so hard that we forget where we are. So that it is just you and me, like it is supposed to be.
Because the truth is, I love you, Raymond Reddington.
The grayness is starting to brighten. Most people would consider that the light could be signaling either way, but by my calculations there is no possible way that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me. So that means I am coming back, I am coming back to you.
Now I have done a lot of thinking, I don't know for how long, but it is enough to draw some conclusions about you and me. Let me start with this- I am not a selfless man, I have never been. So even though I have already destroyed you and am undoubtedly going to do so again, I can't let you go Lizzie. Not unless you tell me to.
So when I reach you I am going to ask you a simple question- and you are going to answer it with a simple yes or no, no explanations needed. If it's a no I will be gone by tomorrow. If it's a yes, an impossible answer, then I will never leave you. You will be mine, and I will be yours until we save or destroy each other.
Because the truth is, I need you and I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, you need me too.
The moment your eyes open all of my plans fly from my head. All I see is you; all I have ever seen is you. I am at your side, my hand in your hand; holding on to you so tight that it must hurt, but all you can do is stare up at me. The breathing tube constricts your throat so you can't speak but I can see it in your eyes that there is so much to say. Being that you can't form the words I decide to fill them with my own.
"I'm so sorry; I am so sorry, Red." Tears run down my face. You reach up a hand to brush them away, your hand lingering on my cheek. It is a simple gesture, but it communicates much more, so much more that my breath is suddenly taken away.
"I will go get the doctor," I mumble and pull back, my heart hammering in my chest. It is suddenly too much- the possibility that you might feel the same way about me.
You grab my hand before I can leave; your feeble grasp not strong enough to hold me back but stopping me never the less. I turn slowly, facing you and meeting your eyes, the eyes that have always held so much even when the rest of you is stone. The eyes that only I seem to be able to read. And this time the message is clear.
You attempt to pull out the tube, but I quickly stop your hands with my own- the message is clear, I hear you. Our eyes meet. "I love you." The words are barely a whisper, but your eyes immediately respond. "I love you," I repeat to you, the weight of the world lifting off of me now that I have admitted it. There is no point in denying it, no point in hiding it.
Because the truth is there was never any one else but you.
I have never heard words as beautiful as the three simple ones that you whisper to me, hanging in the air between us. Finally the bridge is lifted, and your eyes tell me all that I need to know. We don't even need to speak, there is nothing more to say.
Your lips press to my forehead, softly, and I close my eyes to the feeling. I can almost feel the darkness lifting at the kiss, like a fairytale of a princess lifting a wicked curse. It is joyful and calming, soft yet firm, an undeniable bond. And it feels right.
Because the truth is we were meant for each other, and no power in the universe will ever pull us apart.