Prologue

Walking along the beach barefoot always made my heart feel at ease. The sand between my toes, the breeze dancing around my face and the saltwater scent teasing me into the water. I can barely remember this feeling anymore. The beach is a different place for me now. It's not as peaceful, not as beautiful, as I remember it to be.

My first visit was with my mom. My dad had just left and to cheer me up, or probably to cheer her up as well, she brought me to the beach. I was 6 years old and I immediately knew this was going to be one of my favourite places. While my mom spread our blanket across a patch of sand, I rush to the water as if it were calling me. I call out to her while knee deep in water, feeling excitement in seeing a small wave coming towards me. In a panic, she rushes over and carries me away. We leave the beach immediately. I sit in silence the whole way home as my heart breaks – as much as a 6 year old heart can break – over the loss of my newfound love. We did go back though, over the years. It was what inspired me to swim. I couldn't come to the beach often so I found the next best thing – the pool.

I haven't been to my favourite place in a while. It's been years, actually. Anyone who knows me would be surprised to find that it's not such a favourite anymore. Anyone who is a worthy friend of mine would know why. I guess some things change. I guess some things we do outgrow. Or maybe, some things we just can't forget.

My first visit to the beach was when I was 6 years old. And my last, well..

My last was with you.

Emily's POV

"Em, where are you? What are you up to? I haven't heard from you in days! So much for being best friends! Yes, that's right! You heard me. I used the best friend card. What can I say? I'm desperate to hear from you. Help me out here! Call me!", bleeeep.

Another message from Hanna. I am tempted to pull the plug on my answering machine but I know it won't do any good. Where does one go to hide nowadays? As if technology could hear my thoughts, I hear my cellphone beep. Right on cue.

"Hi Em, just wanted to know if you're up for dinner later. I was able to reschedule some of my clients and I thought we could all meet-up for a much needed get together."

A text from our resident Psychologist, Spencer. Leave it to Spence to always find time for her friends despite the amount of clients she has. That's 2 out of 3. Aria's turn will be due later today. She was always the most cautious when it came to these things. She was also always the last resort. Because, you know, who could resist Aria? My cell rings a couple of times but I am unable to find it in this mess I actually call my room. It goes to voice mail. To my surprise, I hear Aria's voice.

"Good morning, Emily. I was thinking of interviewing you for my new book. It's going to be about an athlete, a professional swimmer. Let's talk about it soon, 'kay? I'm guessing Spencer told you about dinner tonight? See you!"

And there we go. 3 out of 3. I'm surprised Aria called so soon. I guess they thought I was in worse shape than I usually was around this time of the year. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Today is the 4th. Her 4th. There is only one day in the year that really gets to me. It used to be our anniversary. Now it's a different day entirely. For the past few years, it's the day Paige died.

It's been 4 years and I still can't believe she left me. I still can't believe she died on me. It's been 4 years, Em, 4 years you've had to live without her. Yet, the intensity of my emotions and the clarity of what happened then, it's as if no time passed at all.

They say losing a loved one changes you. It does in so many ways. And her death? It changed me and is continuing to change me in more ways I could ever imagine. Then again.. there's no surprise in that. How could it not? It was Paige McCullers I lost. I tried so many times to move past this but through all these years, through all of this, I learned that grief is resilient.

Though new girlfriends have come and go, 2 to be exact, I always breakdown when this day comes. I always tell myself I'd be ready for it next year, that I have another 364 days to prepare myself. But all those days pass and it always creeps up on me, leaving me just as shattered as I was the day it happened. Oh yeah, this is another thing I learned. You can try to let go and move on but once in a lifetime, someone comes along that your heart won't let you forget.