Take It, I Have Nothing Else to Give

by shattered hourglass

At first, when I realized why you seemed to hate me, I could deal with the pain. I could go on, play with Akira and go on dates with Mio laugh with Yuuto, and pretend everything was okay.

Take It. I Have Nothing Else to Give.

By: Shattered Hourglass

Disclaimer: I do not own Hands Off.

Time and time and time again. We hurt, we bleed, we try to heal; but are we ever truly cured? Cured of the pain and suffering that seems to fill the lives of everyone?

In this world full of so much messed up shit... Can we ever give enough to make the pain go away?

It doesn't seem to matter how much I give; how much I bleed. I can never seem to appease you. So I'll sit here, in a puddle of my own crimson blood, and wonder. Does this satisfy you? Is this what you want from me?

Hollow laughter bubbles up my throat. No longer carefree and childish.

Have I become what you wanted?

Because you have taken everything from me. Raped of my innocence, striped of my will. All in my attempts to heal you- To make you better. And what I am, is what is left of my broken soul.

Does it disgust you?

You know, I gave up everything for you. Everything, all for you. I took the abuse, acidic silences and scalding looks. I welcomed every word that tore deep, deep, oh so deep, into my flesh.

Didn't you think I'd notice? Notice that you grimaced every time I touched you, every time you touched me?

Didn't you think that sooner or later, I would realize the power of my touch?

And you didn't tell me, felt you couldn't tell me. Because you thought I'd take the blame upon myself.

And at first, I did.

But I can't. Not anymore. Not when this fickle heart inside me has no more blood to give.

Every time you protected me, every time you saved me, what was that? Did you do that only to confuse me?

I thought you hated me...

Tak-kun...

I would have gladly shared your pain, but I can't anymore. Because you refused to share your pain, the pain I caused you, the only pain I could feel was my own. And unlike you, I HAD to bear my pain alone.

Even now, as I sit in a pool of my own beautiful crimson essence, you approach me yet again.

I can see it in your eyes you know. That look of pure horror and fear. Are you scared Tak-kun? Of me? For me?

Yuuto looks like he's gonna be sick. Because there's so much blood everywhere. So much fuckin' blood. Or maybe, because of my face? My cute, sweet, little face smeared with red. My eyes empty and yet so full of nothing and everything?

And now as you lift me, you can't look me in the eyes. Are we going to the hospital? Again? We've been there so many times since I moved to Tokyo. It's not good for grandpa in his old age, to have to go to the hospital so often to visit his grandkids.

Yuuto's screaming at you. So loudly, so shrilly. It doesn't suit him at all. He blames you. It's your fault, it's all your fault. If you weren't holding me, I suppose he'd be shaking you, beating you; but I'm sure I look far too frail to risk it.

And do you want to know something Tak-kun? It is your fault. Not all your fault. It's my fault too. Yours and mine. All our fault.

At first, when I realized why you seemed to hate me, I could deal with the pain. I could go on, play with Akira and go on dates with Mio; laugh with Yuuto, and pretend everything was okay. But then, as you distanced yourself further and further from me, the string that tied us together got tighter and tighter. It squeezed so tight that I couldn't breath. At first I could bear it. This was my punishment, I needed to deal with it.

Then, the pain became too much for me. I began to see how my touches shattered you. But you didn't see, wouldn't see how your lack of... anything tore me to pieces.

I know you gave up a lot for me Tak-kun. And I'm thankful, I really am. Knowing that, I was able to give up everything for you. So much for you.

I was able to give up Mio's love and Akira's friendship.

I was able to give up my smiles.

I was able to give up my tears.

I was more than happy to play the innocent, naive fool if that was what you wanted.

But you didn't like my acting. You knew that something was wrong with, I know you knew. And yet...

You didn't say anything.

So that's how I came to be, sitting in a pool of my own blood. Laughing, laughing because I couldn't cry. Bathed in my own bloody essence because that's all I had left to give.

Tak-kun...

I'm coughing, and more crimson essence bursts forth. This time from my mouth. Are we in an ambulance now Tak-kun? I can't see you. I can't really see anything anymore.

Are you happy now? I don't think I'll be bothering you much longer Tak-kun. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you happy, that I couldn't lessen the pain you felt. But now, you won't have to worry about me anymore.

Even today, when I knowingly went alone with yet another weirdo who was obsessed with me. I didn't tell Yuuto. I didn't tell you.

So why, why did you come for me? How did you find out? This was your chance to get rid of me. You could have severed the bond that ties us to each other. The stupid bond that squeezes the life from us.

Oh god, Tak-kun. God.

I'd give up anything. My happiness. My blood. I'd give up my life if that could make all your pain go away.

So I'll give it to you. I'll give my life if that's what you want. And if you won't take it... If God refuses to let me give it you...

Tak-kun...

They say God is merciful, but if he is, why do we suffer so much? Why do we give all we have, just to gain something new and loose it all again?

Tak-kun?

Speak a little louder please. I can't hear you.

Why are you squeezing my hand? Doesn't my touch hurt you? Doesn't it hurt?

I'll give you the last thing I have Tak-kun. I'll give it to you so you don't have to hurt anymore.

So why? Why aren't you taking it?