I never meant to be the one who kept you from the dark
But now I know my wounds are sown because of who you are.
Adam always kept me from doing things I'd regret. My wounds are sown because of him… but I pushed him away and now he's gone forever
I will take this burden on and become the holy one
But remember I am human and I'm bound to sing this song
He's only human he could've dropped me the second I got hard to deal with or the second I practically went insane. He took my burden and helped me through the toughest points of my life.
So hear my voice,
Reminds you not to bleed
I am here
"I'm so sorry, but I can't handle life anymore," the voice mail left by the broken boy stated, "I'm so sorry Eli," the voice sobbed. I never told anyone I had ignored several calls from him before his death and this is the last time I heard him talk. I listen to this voice mail over and over again no matter how painful it may sound. Self-torture some may put it but I like to call it punishment. Punishment for burdening him with my drama so much that I couldn't even stop to listen to my best friend in his time of need. I need to punish myself and this is not the only thing I do... I'm addicted to anti depressants taking as much as four times the amount I should be taking. It along with the drinking and cutting keep me numb and sorta sane.
Saviour! Will be there
When you are feeling alone, ohhh
A saviour, for all that you do
So you live freely without their harm
School life hasn't gotten better. The goddamn hockey team didn't even notice that they pushed someone to suicide other than Cam and Dallas, but then again they didn't bully him. I'm back to being a loner all my friend tried to hold on but gave up on me even Clare. Clare, why is it that she has to break up with me at one of the hardest times ever.
So here I write my lullaby, to all the lonely ones
Remember as you learn to try to be the one you love
My alcohol and drugs are my lullaby. My self-medication. I don't want to live anymore I have no future really. I could go to NYU but I'd probably fuck that up within two weeks my play was never preformed either the whole Baker family and their church friends started a protest and they stopped my play but by that time I didn't care I just walked away from the fight
So I can take this pen and teach you how to live
But what is left unsaid, the greatest gift I gave.
I never told him. I never told him how I fell so hard for him. I thought I was helping him by not telling him. It would've burdened him even further maybe even pushed him away.
So hear my voice
Reminds you not to bleed
"You shouldn't hurt yourself, it's a horrid habit," Adam stated grabbing my wrist.
"I don't anymore," I lied. His blue eyes gave me a worried look but her didn't press the issue.
"Good," he mutter self consciously pulling his own sleeves down.
I am here
Saviour! Will be there
When you are feeling alone, ohhh
A saviour for all that you do
So you live freely without their harm
I grabbed what I needed a razor, a bottle of vodka, my anti depressants, and anti anxiety meds. I made my way quickly upstairs my parents were going to be home soon and I wanted to be done by then.
Saviour! Will be there
When you are feeling alone, ohhh
A saviour for all that you do
So you live freely without their harm
I started with a mixed handful of pills, which I washed down with the vodka. I delivered gash after gash to my wrist feeling dizzy telling me the pills were working I took another sip of vodka.
When I hear your cries:
Praying for life
I will be there.
I sobbed and screamed as my whole body seized up in agonizing pain. I started praying… something I have lost all faith in a while back.
When I hear your cries:
Praying for life
I will be there!
My vision blurred as I saw a figure approach the closer he got the clearer he became.
"Eli," he pleaded "I thought you were stronger than me. I was always there you just made yourself too numb to even feel me." Adam cried. The whole world drifted to black after that and the life drained out of me.
I will always be there!
He was always there and even after death I pushed him away.