F.R.I.E.N.D.S
The One Written By 'AzzaMonkeyMan'
SCENE 1 - Monica and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table in their apartment, having a cup of coffee and talking.
Monica – So how's the new job?
Rachel – Ugh! Please, don't even get me started.
Monica – Is it that bad?
Rachel – No it's fantastic, but keeping up with them is hard work.
Monica – Well they've been there for longer than you have sweetie, they'll know their way around the office better. You'll soon catch up. You're a fast learner.
Rachel – Oh no, I know my way around the office fine, and the job itself is a piece of cake... but they like to go to the bar next door every couple of days once work's over, and oh my good God they drink vodka like it's water! I'm convinced they're all of Russian descent... Either that or they have no taste buds, and with the amount they drink that wouldn't surprise me.
Monica – And you try and keep up with them?
Rachel – Of course I try! I don't want to look like the loser who just started to work there and can't even down a vase of vodka in 10 seconds, they'd laugh at me.
Monica – Rachel, NO ONE, not even a Russian could do that!... 15 seconds maybe, but even still . . . if they like you they'll accept you for who you are, not mock you because your stomach isn't made of steel! Don't change for them.
Rachel – That's easy for you to say, you don't know Marvin.
Monica – Who's Marvin?
Rachel – EXACTLY! Nobody knows Marvin, because he refused to go out drinking with them, and he's been slaving away in that same office cubicle for 6 years, and not once has he been up for a pay rise or promotion.
Monica – So you think drinking with them will make you look better? You shouldn't put yourself through that, it's wrong, it's immoral. You were raised better than this! You're a 20th Century business woman, not a hobo! Do you honestly believe the boss will like you more if you become irresponsibly intoxicated?!
Rachel – (wide eyed and edging away slightly) ... I don't know if I should stay true to my own beliefs and say yes, or give into your wise and authoritative tone and say no.
Monica – Well which one will give you a black eye? Defying me or drinking?
Rachel – Technically both...
Monica – (defeated sigh) Well okay, do what you want. (she stands up and walks over to the kitchen sink to clean the counter in order to prevent herself from smacking some sense into Rachel.) But don't think I'll be the one giving you a bucket and cleaning up your vomit every morning when you're hung-over!
Rachel – Monica, please. Do you actually think you could leave my vomit on your floor unattended to? You get all anxious and twitchy every time you see the first grain of dust start to accumulate on something.
Monica – (swinging around and pointing the sponge at her sternly) That was one time! We had just bought the new TV and it's black and shiny and the dust is just so noticeable! Dust is like teenagers. You let one teenager into your party, and all his friends think that they can come too, and soon your house is filled with them, and cleaning up the mess is like finding a girl in lower Manhattan who hasn't dated Joey!
Rachel – You're comparing dust to teenagers... you didn't have much of a social life when you were that age, did you?
Monica – You should know, you were part of my life at that age.
Rachel – Oh, I wasn't really asking you, I was telling you. (she smiles innocently and leans back in her chair. Monica throws the sponge at her and glares at her before going back to cleaning.)
Just then, there's a knock at the door. Monica walks over to answer it and opens the purple door to reveal her brother, Ross.
Monica – Good morning. (she smiles sweetly)
Ross – WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE GOOD ABOUT THIS MORNING?! It's one of the worst morning's I have ever experienced! Why does life hate me, Monica?! HUH?! WHY?!
Monica – It's nice to see you too, please come in and tell me more about your problems. Try and speak a little louder though, I don't think they quite heard you in Mexico. (she keeps smiling and speaks sarcastically.)
Ross – I'm sorry, I've just not had the best morning. (He walks in and Monica shuts the door behind him.) When I woke up this morning I could hear a strange buzzing sound in my apartment, so I went into the kitchen to see if it was the microwave or the oven or the fridge or something.
Monica – Wait, why would your kitchen have been used while you were sleeping?
Ross – Joey has a spare key.
Monica & Rachel – Aaah, I see. / That makes sense.
Ross – Anyway, I made it into the living room and realized that it was coming from the window, and when I opened the curtains I saw the most peculiar thing.
Rachel – The man in the bedroom across the street wearing clothes?
Ross – No, but that WOULD have been an unusual sight... unfortunately, he was still bearing all today... all three inches of it.
Monica – Well what did you see?
Ross – On my gutter, right above the window, I saw... I saw... (he bites his fist, holding back the fearful tears as he recalls what he saw.) A WASP NEST!
Monica and Rachel are silent and unaffected by his story, watching him as he retreats to the couch to hug a cushion.
Monica – Is that it? From the way you were going on I was expecting you to have seen an alien spaceship hovering over Central Park. It's about time the mother ship took you home.
Rachel laughs and Monica joins her. Ross is hurt by their lack of support.
Ross – Hey, I'll have you know that it is a very big nest, and wasps can be very nasty if you irritate them.
Rachel – Well you should have no problem with that then, should you, Ross? (she winks at him playfully, and the girls both start laughing again.)
Ross – (standing up and heading for the door.) Laugh all you want, but it won't be so funny when I'm the size of a hot air balloon and filled with their venom.
Rachel – Wasps don't have venom.
Ross – THEY MIGHT! (his voice is high pitched and stressed out.)
Monica – Look, honey, we're sorry. You better call somebody who can come out and get rid of it for you.
Ross – Who should I call?
Rachel – A 'swat' team?
Monica – (trying not to laugh.) Rachel, stop 'bugging' him.
Monica and Rachel both erupt into laughter again, and Ross leaves, giving up with them, thinking his sister would have been more help.
SCENE 2 – Chandler walks out of the bedroom, yawning and stretching his arms. He heads over to the fridge, opens it, and sighs when he sees the empty shelves. He lifts out a half empty bottle of milk and shakes a box of cereal, listening to the few crumbs that are left inside.
Chandler – Joey... Joey!... JOEY!
Joey, tripping over his own feet, stumbles out of the bedroom with a baseball bat looking alarmed, with bed hair and in his pyjamas.
Joey – What is it? Where'd they go? What did they steal?
Chandler – Oh, nothing... although I think we may have been robbed by the food fairy.
Joey – What?
Chandler – Joey, look in this fridge... What's missing?
Joey cannot see what Chandler is hinting at, tilting his head and wincing his eyes, he tries to work it out.
Joey – Monica's magic cleaning skills?
Chandler – No you lunatic! (he throws the empty cereal box at his friend, and Joey hits it away with the baseball bat) FOOD! There is no food!
Joey – How's that? We went shopping last week.
Chandler – I don't know, why don't we ask the empty boxes and wrappers under your bed?
Joey – Don't disturb them, they're still sleeping... lucky for some! (he gives Chandler an evil glare.)
Chandler – Seriously Joey, how can you eat so much?
Joey – How can you NOT?
Chandler – Because my stomach isn't a black hole threatening to devour everything in sight!
Joey – I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay? But it all tastes so good!
Chandler – Did it really? I'm glad. Although I wouldn't know, I only got to pay for it.
Joey – I said I was sorry, didn't I? I was starving.
Chandler – SO IS AFRICA!
Joey – I dunno why you're getting so worked up.
Chandler – Hmmm, it might be because food keeps us alive, and for the next two weeks we'll be living off of air.
Joey – Well that's fine, we have plenty air. (Joey grins happily, not realizing Chandler was kidding.)
Chandler – Joey, we won't make it through the next two weeks!
Joey – Well if food keeps us alive then I might, I've eaten enough.
Chandler – EXACTLY MY POINT! Joey, it can't be good for you. You're an actor.
Joey – So?
Chandler – Well... directors wouldn't want... you know?
Joey- No I don't know. You should do with your sentence what I did with all the food... finish it.
Chandler – There's no easy way to say this... but, directors don't want fat guys playing their sexy lead roles... and if you keep eating at the rate you're going, you're gonna be the next Monica! But instead of burning the old photos of yourself, you'll keep ONLY the old ones, because you were still skinny enough to look down and see your toes in the shower, and you could still FIT in the shower, and you didn't get rolled down hills in the snow to make avalanches, and when you walked backwards people behind you didn't yell 'REVERSING' and I need to stop listening to Monica's stories of childhood . . . (he sits on the stool, out of breath.)
Joey – (He is in a stunned silence, taking in what his friend has just said.) Are you calling me... fat?!
Chandler – (realizing he's hit a nerve.) No, I'm not calling you fat! But you will be if you keep eating like this! And I'll be a skeleton... a hungry skeleton with no milk and an empty cereal box.
Joey – (Joey thinks for a minute, then sits the baseball bat down and walks over to the stool opposite Chandler. He sits down, picks up the bottle of milk, downs the rest of it and then sits the empty bottle back down. Chandler watches him in horror as he guzzles down and finishes the last of the milk, and the last of anything in the apartment that could have kept them going.) So what do we do?
Chandler – (His facial expression of disgust and shock frozen in place.) We find a cork big enough for your mouth, and we USE IT!
Joey – (jumping in fright slightly.) Well we can always buy more food, can't we?
Chandler – I don't get paid for another two weeks.
Joey – Don't worry about that! I'll buy more when I get my next paid acting gig.
Chandler – So in other words, you won't be buying more.
Joey – What's that supposed to mean?
Chandler – Joey, the last paid acting gig you had was 6 months ago, and the director paid you to leave the audition room when you never got the part.
Joey – I wasn't leaving that place until they chose the right guy to advertise those cheeseburgers!
Chandler – (collapsing to the floor in agony, sobbing.) Uuuuuugh! CHEEEEESEBURGERSSSS!
SCENE 3 – In 'Central Perk.' Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch, drinking coffee and eating muffins.
Phoebe – So Rachel, I heard you were an alcoholic.
Rachel – (slowly turning her head to look at Monica.) Oh did you now?
Monica – (Shrugging her shoulders.) I only said you were having a few too many drinks these days.
Phoebe – Ha! Yeah, that's what they all say. Have you ever met my mother, Rachel?
Rachel – I don't think I have, no.
Phoebe – That's because you don't meet DEAD people!
Monica and Rachel exchange a look.
Phoebe - A few too many drinks leads to a few too many bottles, which then leads to a few too many trips to hospital, and then a few too many trips to that strange man downstairs with the crooked nose who loved to baby sit us and make us shine his glass eye, and then a few too many trips to Disneyworld just to spit in Goofy's face, and then a few too many flowers and condolence cards in your house because you've just TOPPED YOURSELF! (she reaches the climax of her angry rant, which to her sounds full of wisdom, and she stops, out of breath.) ... air in my lungs... it feels good.
Monica – Wow! Your mum did all that?
Phoebe – Pretty much, but the drink made her do it. The whole Goofy thing wasn't her though. That was me on my 21st birthday. I spat in his face because HE can talk and Pluto can't, it's clearly an injustice!
Rachel – Look, I appreciate what you're saying... what I understood of it anyway... but I don't need a lecture, I've just been having a few sociable drinks with my work colleagues, is that so bad?
Phoebe – Of the 5 days a week that you work, how many of those days do you go out for a drink?
Rachel – (hesitant to answer at first, then mumbles an answer under her breath.)
Phoebe – I'm sorry, what was that?
Rachel – About 3 or 4 days a week.
Phoebe - *Gasps!* I'm afraid it may already be too late... It was great knowing you Rachel. Now what flowers do you prefer, roses or tulips? I've always been a daffodil kind of gal, but they're hard to come across before Spring time and-
Rachel – (cutting her off.) I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC, okay?! Alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
Monica – And that makes it okay?
Rachel – To me, yes it does.
Monica – What if you get an alcohol dependency or something?
Rachel – Do you really think 3 or 4 days of drinking a week could do that?
Phoebe – I dunno, ask my mother. Oh wait, SHE'S DEAD!
Just then, Joey comes rushing through the door of the coffee shop and heads over to the girls.
Joey – Phoebe, I need your help!
Phoebe – Did you know Rachel was an alcoholic?
Joey – (suddenly calm) Really? Well after living with Monica for so long it doesn't come as a surprise if I'm honest.
Rachel – Hey! (pushes Phoebe)
Monica – I'm not THAT bad... am I?
The whole group look at her for a few seconds, silently staring, not answering, yet giving her all the hint she needs, and then they look away. She sinks into her seat, now understanding.
Joey – Anyway, Phoebe, I need your help with something.
Phoebe – Awwww, why me?
Monica – (insulted) yeah, why her?
The group turn sharply and give her that same look, silencing her again. She sinks even further into her chair.
Joey – Well, you never really have much luck with careers, and neither do I, so I thought maybe you could help me, even though you can't help yourself.
Phoebe – I'm... uh... flattered?
Rachel – Just say yes, he probably doesn't even realize he just insulted you.
Joey – I did?
Phoebe – He did?!
Rachel – (also sinking into her seat.) just ignore me... I'm a cushion... a cushion with FAAAR too much to say.
Joey – Okay! Phoebe, what can I do to make money?
Phoebe – Ummm, work?
Joey – I would if director's started giving me jobs! (he slumps into the arm chair across from the girls.) It's hard work being an actor.
Rachel – Well then you must have it real easy because technically, you're not an actor when you're not acting... so right now you're just... I dunno... an ASPIRING actor?
Joey and Phoebe give her the look.
Phoebe – Do cushions talk? I think not Rachel... I THINK NOT!
Rachel – Shutting up once again... I'll be down here if you need me. (she sinks into her seat)
Monica – (patting her on the shoulder) don't worry, they won't.
Phoebe – So Joey, you were saying?
Joey – Well basically, me and Chandler need money, and he doesn't get paid for another two weeks, and I... well... I don't get paid ever... so I need a way to make money quick.
Phoebe – You wanna make money? And make it quick? In New York?
Joey – (nodding innocently)
Phoebe – Easy, sell your body!
Joey – You mean... like, organs and stuff? Don't I need a donor card or something?
Phoebe – No, I meant... like... to sell... not body parts as such... really just ONE body part in particular... but... you know... I thought... you know what, never mind.
Joey – Well what should I do?
Phoebe – There is one thing you could do... but I dunno if it's your style.
Joey – Anything, Phoebe. Anything! I owe it to Chandler.
Phoebe – Painting.
Monica/Rachel/Joey – What!?
Phoebe – Whaaat? New York has this entire underground Art scene filled with undiscovered talents, and if a piece is good enough it can sell for quite a lot.
Joey – And you do this?
Phoebe – Sure, it's fun! Massaging people is my main source of income, but selling paintings and busking helps me pay for the more important things, like sequins and buttons to stick onto my outfits.
Joey – Awesome! So what exactly does a painting have to have for it to sell?
Phoebe – A message, a provoking thought or image, a lot of detail, beauty, appeal, or what I like to call, "SHIT."
Rachel – What?
Monica – SHIT?
Phoebe – Yeah... Sexy, Hypnotic, Imaginative Trademarks.
Rachel – So basically you're saying that Joey has to paint a picture that is thought provoking and meaningful and beautiful enough to make someone want to give away their hard earned money for it?
Phoebe – Exactly!
There's a silence, and Monica and Rachel both look at Joey and burst out into an eruption of laughter.
Monica – Seriously? Joey? Can you imagine him being thought provoking?
Phoebe – Yes I can actually. Joey can be VERY thought provoking at times. Remember when he wore that thong to your Birthday Party because you told us all to dress down and not make it formal? He took "dress down" to a whole new level... but some thoughts were definitely provoked on that day. (She turns to Joey casually and winks cheekily. He in turn crosses his legs in shame and turns red in the face.)
Joey – Hey! That's not fair. I can be deep and fill a sock full!
Monica – Honey, do you mean 'philosophical'? Fill a sock full could be REALLY misinterpreted.
Rachel – Especially with the whole thong incident.
Joey – Oh... I always wondered why people randomly mentioned Christmas stockings when being smart.
Rachel – Is that why you thought Santa was Ghandi in disguise?
Joey – He's not?
Monica – Santa isn't even real...
Joey – HE'S NOT!
SCENE 4 – Ross is in his apartment, approaching the open window as if he is approaching a wild bull. He has a can of Wasp killing spray in his hand. He gets very close to the window, hears a buzz and then runs away, squealing like a girl as he flies across the room, dropping the spray on his way.
Ross – You little black and yellow vermons! Rats of the sky! I swear if you even go near my smoke ham and apple cheese I will do unspeakable things to your little nest there!
"BUZZZZ BUZZZ BUZZ!"
Ross – (ducking down behind the couch when he hears their reply.) I'm only kidding, I could never do that! I'm a simple man, I'm weak, you are FAR superior!
'Knock, Knock!'
Ross – (he jumps up in fright when he hears the door.) WHAT IS THIS? NATIONAL "GIVE ROSS A HEARTATTACK DAY"?!
Joey – It's Joey, open up!
Ross – The door's open.
Joey enters and sees Ross getting up from behind the couch.
Joey – Should I ask?
Ross – Wasps.
Joey – Well playing hide and seek with them is a bit stupid. They could be anywhere by now! Under the couch doesn't seem like a place where wasps would hide. In the vent maybe?
Ross – I'm not playing hide and seek, I know exactly where they are.
Joey – So they ARE under the couch?
Ross – No! They're outside the window. Dunno how long the nest has been there but they- - -
Joey – (interrupting Ross) Yeah, that's nice. Listen, I need your help.
Ross – What's up?
Joey – You work in a Museum, right?
Ross – (sarcastically) No, I sell my body.
Joey – You have a donor card? (he smiles widely, still not getting it)
Ross - *sigh* Yes, I work in a museum, why?
Joey – Well, do you have to put the dinosaurs and cavemen and rocks on display?
Ross – Sometimes, yes.
Joey – So would you say you have an eye for art?
Ross – Slightly, Joey, what's this all about?
Joey – I'm gonna paint a picture!
Ross - . . . Okaaay? ... Aaand?
Joey – And I want you to help me!
Ross – Why are you painting a picture?
Joey – I need money, so I'm gonna sell some artwork, and if it goes well, I'm gonna give up acting and become an artist, because artist's don't need to worry about their weight.
Ross – Your weight, what?
Joey – Ross, am I fat?
Ross – Fat? No you're not fat?! Who said you were fat?
Joey – Chandler did, because i demolished two weeks worth of food.
Ross – Joey, you're not fat, you're a bottomless pit! But maybe Chandler is right... have you ever considered just NOT eating as much?
Joey – Well, on the one hand I need to lose weight. But on the other hand, doughnut...
Ross – (rolling his eyes) so you're gonna create a masterpiece, sell it, and then use the money to pay Chandler back for all the food you ate?
Joey – Yes! So will you help me?
Ross – This is the most messed up and ridiculous idea you've ever come up with! ... let me get my coat and we'll head down to the Arts and Crafts Store! (Ross grins in excitement and skips off like a happy little school girl, into the bedroom to get his coat)
Joey – (Walking over to the window to look at the wasp nest, his foot hits the can of spray on the floor.) Ooooh, squirty crème! (He bends down, picks up the can and holds it to his mouth.)
Ross – Joey, I don't have any- - -
(Before he can finish his sentence, Joey sprays the can of Wasp Killing Spray into his mouth, causing him to shrivel up his mouth as if he's bitten a lemon, gag a few times, shut his eyes in horror, throw the can out of the open window, hitting the wasp nest off of the gutter, and both the can AND the nest plummet to the street below, whilst Joey curls up in a ball on the floor, coughing.)
Ross - - - - squirty crème.
Joey – What was THAT!?
Ross – Wasp Killing Spray.
Joey – They should really label these things!
Ross – It WAS labelled.
Joey – Well... I should really start reading these things.
Ross – You don't read.
Joey – Well I should start reading!
Ross – You're Joey.
(Joey turns and gives him a hurt facial expression. Ross throws on his coat and heads for the door, Joey following him out.)
SCENE 5 – Rachel is in the bathroom applying her lipstick, dressed in her best as she prepares for a night on the town with her new work colleagues. Monica is knocking on the door, desperate to get in.
Monica – Rachel, will you hurry up! Some of us have to actually USE the toilet, and not just count the tiles!
Rachel – Wait a minute! I'm putting my make up on.
Monica – You said wait a minute fifteen minutes ago!
Rachel – I took off my red lipstick because I look too much like a hooker, so i put on my pink one but I dunno what one to wear, because the pink one makes me look about 16.
Monica – Why don't you wear NO make-up, because NOTHING goes with EVERYTHING!
Rachel – What? That doesn't make sense!
Monica – You don't make sense!
Rachel – No, YOU don't make sense!
Monica – You know what doesn't make sense? The fact that I know how dogs feel indoors when they have all of the urine and no where to go!
Rachel – Alright, FINE! (she opens the door) Happy?
Monica – Extremely! My bladder was about to explode. At least my poor mop has been spared! (Monica shoves past her and slams the bathroom door shut.)
Just then, Chandler walks in, looking hot and flustered.
Rachel – Hey honey, you okay?
Chandler – Do you know how many stairs you have to climb until you reach our apartment?
Rachel – No...
Chandler – TOO MANY! I just carried 2 weeks worth of shopping up those stairs. The cabby refused to help me because I wouldn't pay him overtime. I'm not his boss! I don't give him a pay rise! It was one simple good deed he could have performed, but oh no! His wallet was more hungry than Joey! Do you think Jesus charged people after he helped them? I don't think he did, Rachel. He was a GOOD man! A good man with a loyal donkey!
Rachel – New York cabby's aren't Jesus though.
Chandler – The beard had me fooled!
Rachel – Half of the people in New York have beards.
Chandler – That's because half of the people in New York are hobo's, due to the fact they didn't get paid overtime (he drops down into a chair and rests his head upon the table)
Monica – (coming out of the bathroom) And when you come home tonight, if you even THINK about emptying the alcohol filled contents of your stomach onto my floor tiles, then you better be prepared for me to use your hair as a mop! (spotting Chandler)
Chandler – Are you LAWAYS this aggressive?
Monica – NO! . . . no.
Rachel – She's just jealous because I'm going out for a night on the town!
Chandler – I thought you were looking different.
Rachel – ...Different?
Chandler – Yeah, you know... All the make up.
Rachel – Are you saying I'm wearing too much?
Chandler – No, it makes you look pretty.
Rachel – Are you saying I don't look pretty without it?
Chandler What? NO, you do!
Rachel – So I'm making all this effort for nothing?
Chandler – Monica, HELP ME! The lioness in your living room is on the hunt!
Rachel – Oh, so now you're calling me a Lion?
Chandler – It was a figure of speech.
Rachel – WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY FIGURE?!
Chandler – (Jumping up from the chair and walking over to sit with Monica on the sofa) GOOD GOD WOMAN!
Monica – I may not be going out tonight, but at least I'm not a nervous wreck.
Rachel – I'm not nervous.
Monica - ... really?
Rachel – (smiles and nods, unconvincingly)
Monica - So the thought of partying with your colleagues AND your boss isn't worrying you at all?
Rachel – Of course not, I mean, why would it? What's the worst that could happen?
Monica – Marvin...
Rachel – (exploding into a tirade!) I WILL NEVER BE MARVIN, NEVER! EVEN IF IT MEANS I HAVE TO QUIT DRINKING THE VODKA AND DRINK THE BLOOD FROM MY VERY OWN SEVERED HEAD I DO NOT CARE!
Chandler – Who's Marvin?
Rachel – I rest my case!
Monica – And I rest MY case! Rachel, look at you! Your lipstick is smudged, your mascara is on your eyebrow, your shoes don't match your dress, and it's not even ten o'clock yet!
Chandler – Are these your alcoholic workmates that Phoebe told me all about?
Monica – The very same ones.
Rachel – For the last time, they're not alcoholics. They just enjoy a drink more than occasionally, and I don't blame them! We get crap pay for a crap job in a crap part of town that a monkey could do!
Chandler – Great! Now Joey can get a job!
Rachel – Tonight is different though... The boss is coming with us.
Chandler – So?
Rachel – It's the boss! ... The Boss! If he doesn't like me then I'm going NOWHERE in this job.
Monica – Well it's hard to get anywhere in a gutter.
Chandler – Now, now Monica. All friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.
Rachel – Exactly! And this friendship pays me by the hour.
Monica – Okay, okay, go! You'll be late. Have fun... I guess... and take care of yourself!
Rachel – (picking up her bag and heading for the door) I will sweetie, I promise!
Chandler – Wait! Aren't you gonna change your mismatching shoes?
Rachel – Nah, there's really no point. I'll not be wearing them for that long. Do you know how hard it is to dance in heels, and then walk home drunk in them?
Chandler – Is it odd that the answer to that question is... yes?
Rachel and Monica give him a look of confusion, before Rachel leaves and Monica pats Chandler on the shoulder consolingly.
SCENE 6 – Joey, Ross and Phoebe are standing outside a shady looking club of some sort. Passers by eye them up and down curiously. Ross feels uncomfortable, Joey winks at the passing prostitutes, and Phoebe talks to a stray cat. Joey is carrying a large square object covered with a sheet.
Ross – Are you sure this is the place?
Joey – It was Phoebe that brought us here, wasn't it?
Ross – Well yeah, but look around. What up and coming artist in their right mind would wanna sell anything here?
Joey – Humble beginnings, right?
Ross – I guess so.
Joey – I mean, take me for example. I started off doing stupid little one scene plays in my shed back home and- - -
Ross – (cutting him off) Now you create your own 'one scene plays'... IN THE SHOWER!
Joey – Hey! I bet lots of people do that!
Phoebe – (She gently puts down the mangy cat) Goodbye Mr Scab, I'LL MISS YOU! ... You guys ready to go in now?
Ross – I guess so.
Joey – I can't wait! I spent all afternoon on this baby! Do you think they'll buy it from me?
Phoebe – Oh I know I would.
(They start to head into the club. When they get in, they see a room filled with people, inspecting pieces of art upon the walls and sculptures. They are all smoking and carrying bottles of beer)
Ross – Wow. It seems a lot more professional than I thought it would be.
(Just then, a man who has drank too much collapses at his feet and is dragged outside. Ross gazes on, stunned.)
Phoebe – It's Great, ain't it!?
Joey – Just my kinda crowd! Where's the beer?
Phoebe – Uhm, well, everywhere really. In his glass, on the floor, on the wall, and I think there's a spill on the ceiling too... oh wait, no, that's blood.
Ross – Look, can we just find the manager of this place, give him the painting and leave?
Phoebe – Alright, alright! ... *whispers* ... party pooper...
Ross – I heard that!
Phoebe – YOU WERE MEANT TO!
Just then, a man wearing a black turtle neck sweater, a beret and sunglasses approaches the three stooges, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of wine.
Phoebe – Hello Paul! (air kisses - *mwha, mwha!*) ...These are my friends, Ross and Joey.
Ross – Hey.
Joey – How you doin'?
Paul – Bonjour mes amis!
Ross – You're French?
Paul – No, but I'm practicing. People take your artistic flare more seriously if you're European.
Joey – Seriously?
Paul – No, I'm just kidding myself. I'm stuck in a dead end job, I have no social life, and the highlight of my week is coming here into a dingy basement filled with rats.
Ross – RATS? Where?!
Paul – Sorry, I meant "customers". (he eyes them all up and down distastefully as they walk by, drunk!)
Phoebe – Paul, I was wondering if you could help us out.
Paul – Of course, how can I be of assistance?
Joey – Well... I... uhm... I painted a picture.
Paul - ... did you now? ... I'm ... very... proud?
Joey – And so you should be! I've never lifted a pencil in my life let alone a paintbrush! And now I have brought it here for you to see... A Joey Tribbiani original. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! And trust me, NO woman who has ever been offered a package from Joey Tribbiani has ever turned it down or been disappointed... so here. (he holds the square gift out, still covered by the sheet.)
Paul – For me? (he bats his eyelashes and acts modest.)
Joey – (nods)
Paul – (squeals and grabs the object excitedly, dropping his glass of wine and smashing it.)
Ross – You dropped your glass. You can't just leave that there.
Paul – Meh! Call it art and no one will even care.
Joey – I think you're really gonna like this! It's thought provoking, it's honest, it's bold and it grabs your attention.
Paul – Such confidence you have! Look at the painting I must...
Ross – (whispering to Phoebe) Does he always get possessed by Yoda?
Phoebe – (grabbing Paul by the shoulder proudly) You're going to be the first, other than Joey of course, to have seen this AMAZING and SPECTACULAR (purposely gaining the attention of everyone in the room, who all turn to watch) and LOTS OF OTHER LOUD AND SPECIAL WORDS and I've forgotten what I was saying so just unveil the thing already.
Paul – Here I go... (He gets a hold of the sheet)... I hope you know that if this is good, you'll be getting big bucks for it!
Joey – Well then here's hoping! Fingers crossed!
Ross – Toes crossed! (He wraps an arm around Joey, pleased with his hard work, but not knowing what's under the sheet)
Phoebe – Legs crossed! ... I really have to find the ladies room after this.
(With one swift movement, Paul pulls the sheet away and drops it to the floor, like an episode of Scooby Doo where they unmask a fake ghost. And in his hands, standing from the floor to his waist, is a big, square, white canvas, entirely BLANK apart from the words, "We have no money... please give us some... but what came first, the chicken or the egg?" in blue crayon, and a smiley face at the end. . . Paul, his face displeased, and the crowds watching on mystified, looks up at Joey who is standing tall and proud, his hands on his hips. Ross and Phoebe, noticing how disappointed and mad Paul looks, both step away from Joey's side and stand beside Paul to inspect the "painting"... they too join Paul in staring at Joey with a look of disgust and shock.)
Paul – This... IS... IT?!
Ross – What the CRAP?
Phoebe - ... I like it... the white really helps to emphasise the blue and the question certainly is thought provoking and (Paul glares at her) I'm going to shut up now.
SCENE 7 – Chandler and Monica are in the apartment sitting at the table, playing a card game.
Monica – Okay, so i can play a five on a five, but I can't play a heart on a heart.
Chandler – No, because that would make the game too easy.
Monica – But why?
Chandler - Because it'd be over too soon. Numbers, but no suits!
Monica – And what happens when you win?
Chandler – The winner of each round gets to add a new rule and put it into play when the next round starts.
Monica – Okay... well... (placing all her cards down)
Chandler – How the F- !
Monica – No,no,no! Your last rule was what exactly?
Chandler – (slouching in defeat) No Anglo Saxon Vernacular.
Monica – Precisely... so my new rule is... you CAN play suits on suits!
Chandler – Aaaaah! Ssssh(about to swear, but the door opens)Sssshut the Front Door!
In walk Joey, Ross and Phoebe with a drunken Rachel.
Ross – We found her outside the Art Gallery talking to the stray cat.
Phoebe – Crazy Bitch! That's MY job! ... i do a better job than you anyway. Mr Scab prefers the sober population.
Rachel – (walking in a wobbly line towards the couch before collapsing onto it) I love cats, and that was one hell of a smelly cat!
Monica – (Putting a bucket on the floor next to Rachel's face) So did you have a good night then?
Rachel – I did have a brilliant night, and you know why?
Monica – Why?
Rachel – Because I gave my boss a blowjob.
Ross – You what?!
Joey – Way to go Rachel!
Monica – And how did this come about exactly?
Rachel – Too many tequilas, way too many vodka shots, and a conversation outside about a pay rise.
Chandler – So in order to get a rise in pay, you went DOWN on him?
Rachel – Yes... YES! And I have no shame, because once it was over he fired me.
Ross – Were you that bad?
Rachel – No, he said I was so good that I'd just distract him from his job.
Monica – Well, I can't say I'm all that upset about it. I didn't like what that place could have turned you into. You're worth more than them Rachel, and no matter what, never let anyone (SPLAT! Rachel starts to cough and spew as Monica speaks) ... never let anyone feed you a vase of vodka.
Chandler – Hey Joey, where were you tonight anyway? I had to watch Baywatch by myself.
Joey – How's Pamela doing?
Chandler – She's hanging in there but her breasts definitely can't hang in for much longer... they'll have to hang out eventually, right?
Joey – Right! ... Chandler?
Chandler – yeah buddy?
Joey – I uh... I did something for you tonight... I went out on a limb and painted a work of art to sell in Manhattan, so that I could pay you back for all the food that went missing...
Chandler – Seriously? You did that for me? ... You painted a work of art?
Ross – A crayon doodle!
Joey – (pointing to Ross) Pay no attention to the man with the wet looking hair! I felt bad, and I wanted to make it up to you.
Chandler – So did you sell it?
Joey - ... well... no.
Chandler – Oh...
Joey – BUT they did pay me 60 bucks to leave the premises.
Chandler – You refused to leave?
Joey – I couldn't leave, my shoes got stuck to some blood that was on the floor.
Chandler – Where the hell were you? Al Pacino's private gallery?
Joey – It doesn't matter... because i'd go to the ends of the Earth for you man, if it meant making it up to you... so I'm sorry for being so fat.
Chandler – You're not fat! ... And I'm sorry for suggesting you might ever become fat like Monica.
Monica – Hey! I'm right here!
(Joey and Chandler hug!)
Chandler – So what do you wanna do with the money?
Joey – Well... I did the noble thing and spent it on 2 weeks worth of food to replace what we lost! Isn't it great?!
Chandler – Well, yeah, sure... but uhm... I too went out and bought two weeks worth of food this afternoon whilst you were out...
Joey – Oh... ah well, never mind, we can feed it all to Monica. I'm sure she won't mind packing on those pounds again.
Monica – STILL RIGHT HERE!
THE END!