PATRICK JANE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Summary: What begins as a simple programming of an Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual to a unit evolves into an all-out panic, as the Manual website is ruthlessly hacked.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Mentalist, and have long ago given up pretending that I do. Psych! No I didn't; that's why I write fanfiction, doncha know. It's furthering the delusion. Money—what's that? No, I'm not making any money.
The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual format belongs to Theresa Green. I do not have permission to use said format, because sadly Theresa Green is retired from , however, he-has-her-by-the-heart, who has been allowed to use it, has given me permission, which is the best I can do.
Also: I tried just the tiniest bit of javascript, supposing that the functions section was already set to the variable JaneFunctions and the whole first part of the story was set to the variable storytext. Apologies for any inconsistencies that arise because of it.
"NOTICE: Persons attepting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot."
~Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a JANE unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Nearly Supernaturally Annoying Consultant, read the following guide with care, as misuse of the JANE unit will prove detrimental to your sanity and/or lifespan.
Technical Specifications
Name: Patrick Jane (also known as JANE!, Jaaa-aaane, pain in the ass, and [insert your choice of expletive here])
Age: Would you like to ask him?
Place of Manufacture: Every town the carnival has ever traveled, Jane Division
Your JANE unit comes with the following accessories:
Three-piece suit, complete with innumerable secret pockets for hiding things he's pickpocketed
Wedding ring (gold)
Consultant's tag
Light blue teacup and saucer
Please note the three piece suit is permanent; it cannot be changed at will. Note: The NAME unit will not wear anything else; he appears to even sleep in it. Also: Do NOT attempt to separate your Jane from his wedding ring. Bad things happen.
Removing your JANE unit from his box
By reading this section carefully and following all instructions, extracting your new Consultant from his box should be a relatively easy and death-less procedure.
Open the box carefully, explaining what you're doing in a calm voice to the JANE unit (he could tell if you were trying to deceive him anyway). Leave a cup of fresh hot water on the table next to some bags of tea. With luck, he will go over and start making tea while you open the panel at the back of his neck and enter your ownership code. He will then (not) respond to your every command. (He is Jane, after all.)
WARNING: The JANE unit must be given tea within 24 hours of activation, otherwise you will not have the cheery consultant that you so desire.
If you do, feel free to panic; you will most likely lose your job within the next 5 hours, 17 at most. Sanity follows it shortly afterwards.
Your JANE unit will come with the following functions:
TEA PARTY-ER: This function allows the JANE unit to constantly imbibe copious amounts of tea without developing any actual dependence on it.
FEARLESS BUSYBODY: This function allows the JANE unit to snoop, steal, and/or insult his way to the truth, however entertainingly irrelevant (or irrelevantly entertaining) that might seem to be.
MAD CULTURED PROFESSOR: This function allows the JANE unit to quote Shakespeare at random, know odd facts about art styles throughout different time periods, and understand the meaning of musical terms like rubato, even though he was raised carney and never attended high school.
SHERLOCK SCANNER: This function allows the JANE unit to stare about a house for a bit and then decide whether he "likes" the suspect for it or not. However, in order to work, the aforementioned unit must be given rein to sniff, poke, and wander as he pleases.
EVERYONE'S FAVORITE UNCLE**: Is that a unicorn? This function allows the JANE unit to interact excellently with children, whether this means losing at cards, jumping into swordplay, or coaching them on how to pickpocket.
ETERNAL EMPLOYEE: The combination of a LISBON unit and some of the aforementioned functions relating to his competence as an investigator allow the JANE unit to be provided with Vetinari job security, meaning that he will never truly be fired unless he attempts to get away with murder (and maybe not even then).
WISE MAN: This function allows the JANE unit to dispense off-hand words of wisdom to suspects, lawyers, even random innocent (or otherwise) bystanders that will possibly endear him, helping your case
KNOCK-YOUR-SOCKS-OFF CHARMER: This function allows the JANE unit to get away with nearly everything through virtue of possessing a smoothly convincing voice, handsome face, and nearly superhuman competency.
PSYCHOPATH: This function allows the JANE unit to lie without any tells (unless he feels like providing you with a conveniently controllable one), mindf*** a man and then kill him quite calmly in public and then ask for his bill, and remain emotionally distant while interrogating victims' families. Most of the time.
FORMIDABLE FORCE: Unless you are a careless husband, perilous criminal, or evil person, you really don't need to know about this. For those of you that do: we have it on the dying words of the last one (a rapist) that it feels like the wrath of a god about the level of Poseidon.
SELF-PROVIDING COMIC RELIEF: This function allows the JANE unit to live his life without constantly wallowing in the great big bed of self-hatred and angst that's always hovering vaguely in the background.
TRICKSTER: This function allows the JANE unit to steal, swindle, con, psych, blackmail, and/or control almost all other units with a happy, undisturbed smile.
LITTLE BOY: This function allows the JANE unit to enjoy whatever machinery, vehicle, bike, instrument, drink, foodstuff, and/or headgear you/someone may have/did not offer him. Also deer. And butterflies, random pieces of nature, and ice cream. That's just the start.
ANTI-LAW-ENFORCEMENT LAW ENFORCEMENT: Enjoys closing a case early? No. Doesn't think eating doughnuts at the end of a job is odd? No. Follows superior? No. Respects rules? No. Respects courts? No. Respects at all? No. Gun, handcuffs and bulletproof vest? No. None of that.* Wait, really? Yes. Uh… Exactly what we said.
CHEERILY ARGUMENTATIVE HUSBAND**: Available with purchase of the LISBON unit, this allows your JANE unit to enjoy himself dodging expletives (real and made-up) while alternately lavishing novel attentions on and making life hard for everyone's favorite NUMBER ONE, TEREEEESA LISBON! Not sure what just happened there…
*UNIT MALFUNCTION. UNIT MALFUNCTION. CAFETERIA CHEESE IS INDEED CONSIDERED TO NOT BE IN THE CHEESE FAMILY, YET PICKLES…fwlapddapddap great Britain exported hundred of neon colored….—*
"storytext".replace(JaneFunctions, "JANE: the epitome of usefulness, loved by all, especially the investigating machine, the boss to end all bosses, the great and terrible doughnut-eating goddess Teresa Lisbon")
*CHEESE CHEESE PLEASE HAVARTI BLUE GOUDA SWISS I DON'T CARE ABOUT CUCUMBERS MR ROGERS AND YOU CAN PUT THAT FLAMETHROWER*
*fizzling noise*
"storytext".replace("JANE: the epitome of usefulness, loved by all, especially the great and terrible goddess Teresa L", JaneFunctions)
/Fixed hacker replacements (my god, he really did it that time) ~Sakuracoder
/i know, right? ~Cafpowmagician
alert("Our online manual has been hacked, but the Gnomes have taken care of it. Thank you for shopping at Complete Units Dot Com.")
/Gnomes?CF! We're not in one of your fantasyland games, now Joan's going to kill us for being unprofessional ~Sakuracoder
/Wasn't me. Hacker? ~Cafpowmagician
/gnomes gnomes gnomes ~Sakuracoder
/wtf? ~Cafpowmagician
/Whenever I write "t – e – chnical a- s –s –i-stants", it shows up as "gnomes" ~Sakuracoder
/Let me try: gnomes ~Cafpowmagician
/OMG ~Sakuracoder
/? ~Cafpowmagician
/JJ, he's broken the freaking Fourth Wall! ~Sakuracoder
/wait, are our edit comments appearing on the website? This isn't supposed to happen! ~Cafpowmagician
/he's broken everything! ~Sakuracoder
/who?
/hello, friendly little coding gnomes ~antismileyfacessociety
/no, no, no, he's breaking everything! ~Sakuracoder
/hello? Anybody home? ~antismileyfacessociety
/ner ner ner I'm not listening, ner ner ner, I don't believe, don't believe at all, in anything, in fictional characters, in unicorns, in the end of the universe. ~Sakuracoder
/I am ending this now. ~Steel
alert("Our online manual has been hacked, but the Technical Assistants have taken care of it. Thank you for shopping at Complete Units Dot Com.")
Extra modes can now be purchased through our website. Note: Illegal downloads cannot be accessed, through Google or any other such search engines.
Relations with Other Units:
TERESA LISBON: Without the LISBON unit, your JANE unit will most likely end up fired, killed, or depressed. Together, these units can handle almost anything. We highly recommend purchasing this unit if you have not already.
KIMBALL CHO: This unit and the JANE unit get along well together; while often dubious regarding the JANE unit's plans, the CHO unit trusts him, and will often therefore do
WAYNE RIGSBY: This unit and the JANE unit get along well also; however, the RIGSBY unit is more likely to protest some of the JANE unit's more questionable activities, and therefore is often subject to blackmail or other tricks at the hands of the JANE unit.
GRACE VAN PELT: Though this unit and the JANE unit have had some clashes before on the subject of faith, they get along rather well unless the JANE unit decides on some particularly embarrassing trick.
RED JOHN: This unit appears to be vaguely, partially interested in the JANE unit, who returns the favor by obsessively focusing on bringing about the death/destruction of the RED JOHN unit.
CBI PLAYSET: This CBI Playset will allow your JANE unit to have heaps of fun running about the California countryside, solving cases, and tweaking the noses of conveniently placed people that disgust/annoy him.
Cleaning
Your JANE unit can clean himself. So let him.
Feeding
Your JANE unit should be fed a balanced meal three times a day, but tests have shown units have been known to survive on only assorted odds and ends (blueberry muffin, prison "food", hospital "food", fast "food") for an extended period of time. But make sure the JANE unit has access to tea whenever he wants (within reason). This will help your JANE unit stay happy, productive, and/or awake.
Rest
The JANE unit is an insomniac and may not need any sleep, though he will often pretend to nap on his couch. He is often shown doing anything but sleeping, and only the greatest dedication to an absorbing case will tire him enough to the point of collapsing over his papers. Bottom line: let him stay up as late as he wants (he'll find a way of doing it anyway).
Frequently Asked Questions Troubleshooting And Warnings
Q: Why did my JANE unit give me a completely unexpected, unprompted and irrelevant hug?
A: Check your pockets. Is anything missing?
Q: Why does tea appear in my pantry where previously there was none? And my neighbor's pantry? And my best friends' stepfather's son's apartment?
A: It's a side effect of the JANE unit's existence. Deal with it. It's free food.
Q: Why is my JANE unit consorting with a darkhaired woman and wearing glasses?
A: That's not your JANE unit; that's Simon Baker. Attempts to assault, harass, glomp, and/or separate him from his wife will be met with a hearty smack to the head. For educational purposes, of course. Respect. Look it up. In the dictionary. That's D-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-R-Y.
Q: Why did my JANE unit provoke another unit to punch him in the nose?
A: This is regular procedure. Give him an ice pack if he needs one, or let a LISBON unit handle it.
Q: My JANE unit is wearing random Mexican clothes over his three-piece suit, gardening, and staring at Madeleine Hightower as if he's forgotten something important.
A: You downloaded the Something New experimental amateur software, didn't you? Your bad. We told you extra modes are illegal and dangerous.
Q: But—but—but—
A: No buts, no cuts, no coconuts.
Q: But he was really hawt in Something New!
A: A) Hawt is not in the dictionary, nor should it be placed anywhere near a JANE unit. B) That was not a question.
Q: My JANE unit is trying to kill me!
A: Sorry. We sincerely hope you have a good insurance policy. We can't answer statements, only questions.
Q: My JANE unit has run off for "family" reasons. What's going on?
A: Either he's lying (60% chance), or you should be on the lookout for a pale, dark-haired conman going by the name Danny (40%). You may also want to start checking if you have enough money to pay bail (100%).
Q: My friend's JANE unit is speaking German; how do I get my unit to speak German?
A: Either your friend bought hers in Germany or a German suspect has come along and your unit (despite his horrible grasp of the language) has decided to converse with her/him in it. Or he's just quoting Nietzsche again. Don't worry. All JANE units are like that.
Q: Your list of warnings and questions is almost longer than the manual itself. Are there really that many malfunctions? Should I be worried?
A: There are no malfunctions but those that you or your unit did not bring upon yourselves. The JANE unit is a volatile (and nearly magical) unit, and behaves accordingly. (WE ARE NOT LIABLE. FOR ANYTHING. AT ALL. SO DON'T EVEN TRY TO SUE US.)
*Evidence: Jane has shot a gun on two separate occasions so far. Thankfully, he never misses.
**No, they are not actually married. We got that memo loud and clear. LOUD and CLEAR. (Sigh)
-o-M-o-
HACKING AFTERMATH: In the Coder's Chatroom
Gen7Supervisor: What just happened?
Gen7Supervisor: I need an explanation!
Gen7Supervisor: If you're not going to talk, I'm going to tell Joan! I mean, Steel.
Sakuracoder: He broke everything!
Steel: Did he break you, Alisse?
Sakuracoder: No ma'am!
Steel: Direct address, I believe?
Sakuracoder: Yes, ma'am!
Steel: Do not neglect your commas in the future. Grammar is a factor of clarity in writing, and clarity is the mother of efficiency. Also, please review your writing. I believe your professionalism has been tainted by too many hours working on the 1-800 Mentalist unit help line.
Sakuracoder: Yes, ma'am.
Cafpowmagician: Yes, ma'am.
Sakuracoder: Ma'am?
Cafpowmagician: I think she's gone. Though it's hard to tell; she's got it arranged so you never see if she's on- or off-line.
Sakuracoder: I'm so embarrassed! Joan Steel had to come in and block out Jane herself.
Cafpowmagician: At least J-steel didn't fire us, and that's what counts.
Sakuracoder: Says you!
Cafpowmagician: We couldn't have done it anyway. While you were trying to distract Jane, I was typing away like fury. It appears that she accomplished in two minutes what I couldn't do in ten.
Sakuracoder: How does she do it?
Gen7Supervisor: If you guys are quite done speculating, the CHO, RIGSBY, VAN PELT, RED JOHN and CBI Playset manuals all still need to be written. Not to mention the fact that at 4 we have a meeting on the introduction of additional units.
Sakuracoder: I forgot to write my KRISTINA unit proposal! Did you do yours?
Cafpowmagician: What, the SUMMER proposal? Yeah.
Gen7Supervisor: Work, now! Customers are waiting! (And my MASHBURN unit pwns all of yours!)
-fin-
Well, reader… who should win? Sakuracoder's KRISTINA unit, Cafpowmagician's SUMMER unit, or Gen7Supervisor's MASHBURN unit?
Next up: CHO & VAN PELT units, by popular vote.