"No! We are not going to that rotating ball of mud!" growled the Master.
"What's wrong with Earth?" the Doctor cried. "I really don't understand why you've got such a problem with the place, it's so interesting, and the humans' determination and ability to survive against all the odds is absolutely..."
"Fascinating, I'm sure. But I am not going to Earth." the Master said flatly.
The Doctor smiled sweetly. "I don't care, you chose the last 3 places, I'm choosing this one, and I pick Earth." He pulled a lever, pressed some buttons, and sent them on their way. There was a long awkward silence. The Master fiddled with the corner of his book.
"Fine, you can go," he sighed, "Just don't expect me to come with you."
"I wouldn't be too sure about that!" smiled the Doctor. He gave the Master an almighty shove and pushed him out of the TARDIS doors, which slammed shut behind them.
"No!" he cried in desperation as he clawed at the door. "No not Earth! Anywhere but here!" he turned to face the Doctor. "I command you to open the door right now!"
"Command me to open the doors, well..." he began.
"I'll even say please. Please open the door!"
The Doctor looked thoughtful for a moment or two. "Nah." he said simply and walked off into the long street in front of him. Sighing, the Master followed him. He could tell this was 21st century Earth, he could smell the CO2 in the air, and the stench of fatty foods that the humans ate. He tried to look as little like Harold Saxon as possible. A young boy walked past the Doctor but stopped when he reached the Master.
"Hey!" he exclaimed, pointing a finger at the Master. "You look like Harold Saxon, that prime minister dude."
"Well I'm obviously not Harold Saxon because he's dead," the Master smiled madly. The boy gave him a strange look and carried on down the street. The Master upped his pace and caught up with Doctor. "Any plans?" he asked.
"Nope."
"Not even a trip down memory lane and a visit to your oh-so-faithful and lovely companions?"
The Doctor glared at the Master."Nope."
"Well in that case..." smiled the Master, "I'm going in here!" He veered to the left and entered a pub, the Horseman's Arms. He plonked himself down in front of the barman and ordered two pints of Carlsberg.
"Not surprised you came in here," said the Doctor, taking the pint the Master handed him. The Master was already downing his pint and ordering a vodka, which he swallowed in one gulp. He gave the Doctor a lecture on beer and drink qualities, which lasted a good hour, but to the Doctor seemed like years.
"Got a few quid I could borrow?" the Master asked after a while.
"You mean, got a few quid you can nick," stated the Doctor, but he was already pulling a 20 pound note from his wallet.
"Hmm, yes, s'pose you could put it like that," the Master grinned and paid the barman for the two pints, the vodka, and two pints of Guinness.
"Flipping heck mate, sure you can drink all that?" asked the barman with wide eyes.
The Master sipped the dark liquid and nodded.
"Yeuch!" he cried. "Never have liked this stuff!"
"Doesn't seem to bother you much," The Doctor murmured, rolling his eyes as he slurped his single pint of Carlsberg with a straw. He decided he didn't like it and put it back on the bar.
"So, what do you want to do?" asked the Master, who had almost finished the first pint of Guinness.
"Well, I was thinking of just, um, wandering around and seeing the sights, you know there's plenty to do in Swansea, how about the cinema?" he suggested.
"I didn't bring my 3D glasses"
"How about the LC2, it's a swimming pool slash, um, leisure centre?"
"I haven't got any swimming trunks."
"Shopping?"
"Haven't got any money,"
"Got any suggestions?"
"Yep," the Master stood up and gulped the last of the Doctor's pint for him.
"What? "
"Find another bar," he grinned. "Preferably one with female humans..."
The Master marched determinedly out of the pub and into the street. He staggered down the pavement, nearly colliding with a lamppost.
"Whoops!" he giggled, trying to regain control of himself. The Doctor put his hands on the Master's shoulders to steady him.
"Aha!" announced the Master. "Now this is more like it!" He attempted to walk into a nightclub, but missed the door and ran straight into the wall. "Hmmm, I didn't know doors moved..." he frowned. He tried again, this time walking into a hefty looking young woman who looked as if she'd been inflated like a balloon.
"Oi! Watch where you're going mister!" she growled, giving the Master a hard elbow in the ribs. She tottered off in her ridiculously high heels before the Master could retaliate.
"See Doctor?" the Master said to the door. "That's a reason why I don't like Earth; it's full of fat, lazy bums. Another reason..."
"Master? I'm over here," said the Doctor, grabbing the Master by the shoulders and turning him to face him.
"Oh yes!" the Master smiled dizzily "Of course you are. Now, what was I talking about again? Ah yes! Let's go in here." He spun around and just about managed to get through the doorway, narrowly missing a wobbly-looking coat stand.
The Master looked around the night-club. It was empty, except for a few large females and one or two scrawny males swinging clumsily around the dance floor.
"Eew!" giggled the Master childishly. "The girls in here are...oh what's the word...minging! That's the one, fantastic word is that; minging! Ha!" The Doctor rolled his eyes and steered the Master towards two large blue sofas, where they both sat down.
"Want anything to drink? No alcohol though." the Doctor asked.
"No ta, I've had enough tonight," said the Master, leaving the Doctor to wander to the bar on his own.
By the time he returned, the Master had already talked an ugly girl into buying him a drink and was pretending to listen to what she was saying. He looked up as the Doctor approached.
"Sorry love, this is my, um, dad." he slurred.
"Ooh, well, he looks very young to be your dad, you look about the same age to me," she giggled girlishly.
"Ah you see, he's had all the latest treatments haven't you ...Dad? And you won't let me see any girls...will you Dad?" the Master hinted, attempting to raise his eyebrows.
"Yes, no, yes...Get away from that girl now Ma...Mark," said the Doctor, taking the hint. "And you're not allowed to drink either are you Mark?"
"Well..." The Master gulped back the whisky before the Doctor could snatch it from him. He looked straight at the girl. "Go on then, off you go, you heard what the man said. I'm not allowed to talk to you." The girl stood up , gave the Master a cheeky wave and flounced off.
"We're leaving now!" said the Doctor.
"Oh really? The party's only just started," the Master whined. "Aaaw Dad!"
"Shurrup!" the Doctor snapped, grabbing the Master by the arm and dragging him out of the club onto the pavement outside.
The Master ran down the street towards another nightclub, but failed to notice a large street sign, and ran straight into it.
"Excuse me sir?" came a voice. "Are you OK?"
The Master opened his eyes to see a young, blonde girl peering at him with concerned eyes. He slowly sat up, and then he felt it. He leaned to one side and threw up all over the road. For some reason, he found that incredulously funny and just burst out laughing uncontrollably. The girl was frowning at him now and then frowning at the Doctor.
"You'll have to excuse my friend," smiled the Doctor. "He's a bit..." he put his finger to his temple and twisted it. "...if you know what I mean?"
"Really? For some reason he strikes me as someone really intelligent," she replied. "The name's Enya by the way," she added with a smile, extending her hand towards the Doctor. And you are...?"
"The Doctor. Just the Doctor." he smiled warmly, overjoyed to finally to speak to someone with manners.
"Nice to meet you Doctor," she grinned. There was a short silence, then the Doctor raised an eyebrow at her.
"Anything else?" asked the Doctor.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Oh nothing, never mind, it's just most people ask for a name, after I've said that," he replied.
Enya dropped to her knees and offered her hand to the Master, which he hesitantly shook. She looked back up and the Doctor.
"Do you both want to come back to my house for the night? You and the Master can quarrel over the sofa and the bed; I don't think he's really capable of walking back to wherever you two come from." she asked.
"Ooh yes please!" the Doctor smiled. Then he frowned. "You just called him the Master," he said, cocking his head to one side.
"Did I?" That's his name though isn't it?" she questioned.
"Well, yes it is, but neither of us ever told you his name," he nodded. "Must've let it slip earlier on," he added, but he knew he hadn't. "So where do you live?" he asked, changing the subject.
"I've got a flat near a yacht club; it's only a ten minute walk." She looked at the Master. "Maybe 15 with him." She helped the Master to his feet and put her arm around his waist, while the Doctor supported the Master by the elbow.
By the time they got to Enya's flat, the trio were utterly exhausted. Enya and the Doctor helped the Master into a fresh, clean bed.
"Night love," smiled Enya, before turning out the lights. "Right, where do you want to sleep? Blue sofa, or green sofa?" she indicated the two sofas.
"Blue sofa, reminds me of my, um, space ship," said the Doctor said. He sat down on the sofa and made himself comfortable, while Enya fetched some blankets.
On her return, she handed the Doctor a blanket, a pillow and a cup of hot chocolate.
"Goodnight!" she said with a wave and skipped to her room.
The Doctor got onto the sofa and pulled the covers over himself. The Enya-calling-the-Master-by-his-name-when-nobody-told-her-what-it-was thing was really bugginghim. He knew he hadn't mentioned it earlier; he was good at remembering things like that. Maybe the Master in the future had met Enya in her past. That was unlikely though. He decided he was being pedantic, but stored the information in his memory.
The Master woke up in a different room, with another blonde (or was it the same one as last time?) gazing at him. It was quite a nice way to wake up, he thought to himself. But the nice moment was spoiled as the Doctor moved into view.
"Mornin' sleepyhead!" said the blonde cheerily (what was her name!). "Hangover gone?" she giggled.
The Master wasn't sure what was funny about it but he gave the best smile he could manage and nodded. "Yes," he lied.
"Liar!" murmured the Doctor, rolling his eyes.
"Shut ya' face grumpy," said Enya, shoving the Doctor aside. The Master was amazed. Finally, someone who treated the two timelords in the correct way! "I dunno what you're smiling about, c'mon, up you get, it was breakfast time 3 hours ago." said Enya, as she pulled the covers off the Master and tugged his wrist. "Up. Beans on toast for breakfast, well, brunch."
He staggered to his feet and let himself be led to the sitting room, where a welcoming plate of beans on toast was waiting for him. He took the plate from Enya and sat himself down on the sofa. The Doctor bored Enya for a while, and tried to get her to understand the chemistry involved in making the perfect cup of tea.
"So you're not from 'round here then?" Enya asked the Doctor.
"No, we're from somewhere...quite far away," he said. There was silence.
"Far away, as in another planet," Enya stated, it wasn't a question.
"How'd you know?" the Doctor gasped, and even the Master looked a little surprised.
"Well, for a start, neither of you have a human heartbeat, you've got two hearts I'd say...?" she raised an eyebrow at the Doctor.
"Wow! Somebody's very observant," grinned the Doctor, clearly impressed by this human female. The now sober Master however was harder to impress, and wanted to know more.
"Do you know where we come from?" he asked. Enya stared at him.
"It's like..."she began, looking thoughtful.
"It's like what?"
"It's like I know where you're from...but I don't know the place..." she frowned. "That doesn't make any sense does it?"
"We're from a planet called Gallifrey in the constellation of-"
"...Kasterborous," her eyes were wide with panic. "Why do I know that? And why does that place...Gallifrey sound so familiar?"
The Master studied the girls face carefully. "Does the word Timelord mean anything to you?" he asked.
"Well...I know that I've never heard it before...but yes it does sound really familiar as well."
The Doctor looked up at the wall and noticed the large clock on the wall for the first time. He jumped to his feat in alarm. "Master!" he cried. "Look at the clock!"
The Master got to his feet and turned to face the clock. He examined the huge time-piece, covered with interlocking circles and rings several times before slowly turning back to Enya. He sat down on the floor opposite her.
"Now," he said gently but firmly. "I want you to think very carefully about this. Where did you get that clock from?"
Enya stared at him blankly. "What clock?"
"The one on your wall," he said, pointing at the clock. She looked at the clock with surprise, as if only now noticing it for the first time.
"I dunno, I've never really noticed it before..." she whined. "Oh what is wrong with me?"
The Master and the Doctor exchanged glances.
"Just sit back a minute," said the Doctor, rummaging in his pocket. "Aha!" he located the stethoscope and pulled it out. He put its end to Enya's chest and listened.
"And?" asked the Master.
"I think she is," he replied.
"Is what?" Enya asked, her eyes darting back and forth between the two.
The Doctor handed the stethoscope to the Master. "You listen."
The Master also put the stethoscope to the girl's chest and listened carefully. His jaw dropped. "No," he shook his head. "No that's not possible."
"It must be though. What other explanation is there. Look, she knew your name when we'd never told her, Kasterborous and Gallifrey sounded familiar to her, she's got a stinking great chameleon arch clock on her wall, and she's got a Timelord heartbeat!"
"I think we'd better go," announced the Master, jumping to his feet and heading for the door. "Thanks for letting us stay, it was great, goodbye!"
"Thanks," the Doctor gulped, and followed the Master. He met the Master out in the street. He looked at his friend.
"I vote leg it back to the TARDIS before we give away anything and she finds out what she is," said the Master, already breaking into a run.
"Agreed," nodded the Doctor, who also started running. They raced each other back to the TARDIS, crashing into its blue frame.
The Doctor pulled the TARDIS key out of his pocket and went to open the door. He stepped inside and went about switching switches and pulling levers, ready for their departure. "Master?" he called over his shoulder. "Are you coming?"
The Master wandered slowly into the control room, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Why are we running away?"
The Doctor sighed sadly. "She's...female...and well, y'know. Well, there's too many..." he searched for the right word. "Too many possibilities, you know, with her being female and that,"
The Master glared at him. "So just because she's a girl you don't think she should be a Timelord?"
"No, no...It's just, well I dunno," the Doctor sighed again. "You're right. She has the right to know what, or rather, who she is." He stepped back outside. "Well? Are you coming?" He turned to face the Master.
"You bet I am!" grinned the Master. "Another Timelord, and a female one at that,"
"Timelady," the Doctor corrected. He set off on the short walk back to Enya's house, the Master following.
They knocked on the door. When there was no answer, the Doctor opened the door, just in time to see the fridge de-materializing.
"PANTS!" he shouted in frustration. "She must've worked it out! She had a TARDIS? Now we've missed her!" he slouched against the wall, with his head in his hands.
"Oh well, back to your TARDIS," said the Master, failing to hide his disappointment.
The Doctor looked up at him and shook his head. "Our TARDIS,"
The Master smiled, touched by his friend's words. He pulled the Doctor to his feet and slung an arm over his shoulder. "Thanks. Back to our TARDIS then," He stepped out into the street, and immediately walked into a wall. "Now that, was definitely not there before," he said crossly, as some of the bricks folded away to the side of the wall. A door opened and Enya stepped out into the cold air. The Master gasped. "Wow! Another TARDIS!" he giggled boyishly. "And the Chameleon Circuit actually works!"
"We thought you'd left!" said the Doctor.
"Nah, I just took this baby for a spin," she tapped the TARDIS affectionately. "Would you like to come in?"
"Ooh yes please!" The Master rushed in past her and into the vast room. "Wow, that is classy," he said looking around. "So what room is this?"
"It's my control room," Enya replied.
"And where are the controls?" the Master asked.
Enya clapped her hands and a huge control panel materialized in the centre of the room. "Here," she said. "Although I don't use them much, I use voice control mostly,"
The Doctor's mouth opened and closed like a fish. "You have voice control?"
"Yep. Standard kit in a Type 70 Mark II TARDIS,"
"You have got some serious explaining to do," said the Doctor.
"I believe I have," Enya nodded.