Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, well I own copies of the books but I don't...oh you get it. Enjoy :)
Bella waited patiently and tried not to concentrate on the sterile smell of the doctor's office. Bella's doctor, and good friend, Angela, entered the room, and Bella could tell that she was working hard to keep a blank expression. Bella crossed her legs and felt the paper lining on the patient couch crinkle underneath her. Angela smiled thinly at Bella and handed her the prescription forms. Bella noticed how Angela avoided speaking.
Bella flipped through them, reading the prices of her multiple medications, each one more expensive and harder to pronounce than the next. Bella couldn't afford these medicines. Not on a kindergarden teacher's salary. As if reading her mind, Angela opened her mouth to speak.
"Don't worry about the cost. It's on me," Angela said reassuringly. Something about her tone and sudden sympathy made Bella reevaluate the forms. Angela was kind, but she wouldn't offer to pay this much if it were nothing. On the bottom of each paper was a small description of each medication. It confirmed Bella's suspicions. Not a single one of the medications were treatments. They were all pain killers.
"I'm dying, aren't I?" Bella said quietly, before she lost her nerve. Angela, for a second, looked like she was going to burst into tears. "I didn't know how to tell you! Maybe if we caught it sooner, I could've, I would've. You're my friend and I didn't want to have to tell you, well I did, it's better coming from, but I just…," Angela trailed off and remembered that she was a professional, and regained her composure. She cleared her throat and stood up a little straighter.
"The medications are to…make the dying process easier...less painful," She said slowly and deliberately, as if saying the words, but trying not to think about the meaning too much. Angela gauged Bella for a reaction. Angela eyes briefly flickered to the shock blanket in the cabinet, in case Bella needed it.
Bella stared at a white spot on the wall, and concentrated on holding herself together. Bella decided wasn't allowed to fall apart here. There was more she needed to know. She swallowed her shock and asked the next question.
"How long?" Bella asked. Angela stared at Bella for a moment before understanding.
"Three to four months," Angela whispered. Bella nodded. She did not think about how short a time that was, because she was still not allowed to fall apart. Then Angela went into a spiel about how nothing is ever certain and how she could create a diet/exercise plan that would buy Bella more time, but Bella had already stopped listening. Bella thanked Angela midsentence. Angela gave Bella the prescriptions, and a couple brochures. Bella glanced at one. How to Tell Your Family... Bella stopped reading abruptly and walked back into the waiting room, where 15-year-old Renesmee sat, waiting.
Renesmee had a small stuffed puppy in her lap. She absentmindedly tugged on its ears with a glazed over look in her eyes.
"Renesmee?" Bella said sweetly. Renesmee blinked, but did not respond. "Sweetheart, we're going- look at me, Renesmee," Bella gently cupped her chin and turned her face so she faced her. "We're going home now," Renesmee understood. She stood up and held her mother's hand. Bella lead her outside into the parking lot, and they drove home. On the drive home, Bella did a lot of thinking. She had decided she still wasn't allowed to break down yet. First of all, she was driving. Second of all, Bella didn't want to upset Renesmee.
Bella did not want to die. Desperately did not want to. But the will to live wasn't for her own sake; it was for Renesmee, her severely autistic daughter that couldn't even get dressed by herself. Without Bella, there was no one to take care of her. She briefly considered Charlie or Renee, who would both take her in a second. Then she decided against it. As much as Bella loved Renesmee, she knew Renesmee was a burden, and she could never do that to Charlie or Renee. They were both almost sixty years old and taking care of Renesmee was a huge responsibility and takes a lot of sacrifice. Charlie and Renee had their own lives to live. Bella would have to make arrangements some other way.
They arrived at the apartment door. As Bella fumbled through her purse for the key, she realized something. Bella decided she wanted to try something. She finally found the key and placed it into Renesmee's hand.
"Renesmee, I want you to unlock the door this time," Bella said firmly.
"Unlock the door," Renesmee said.
"Yes," Bella said, nodding.
"Unlock it," Renesmee repeated. Renesmee took the key, and placed it in the lock.
"Good! You're a smart girl!" Bella smiled at her beautiful daughter. "Now turn it- the other way, you did it!" The door was unlocked. Renesmee opened in and they went inside. Bella began to make dinner when the phone rang.
"Bella!"
"Mom," Bella smiled a little.
"How are you? How's Renesmee? You never call me anymore, you know?"
"I know… I'm sorry things have been crazy,"
"I suppose," Renee replied. She didn't like excuses. "How's your liver?"
"Fine," Bella hoped her mother didn't notice her voice breaking as she lied.
"This stupid phone. So much static," Her mother replied. "Remember, no alcohol," Alcohol had been cut out of Bella's diet years ago, not that she ever drank much besides a sip or two of wine at weddings. The absence of alcohol in Bella's life didn't stop her liver from deteriorating.
"Mom…I love you," Bella said.
"Alright, alright, I know you say that when you want to stop talking. But come over some time. I want to see you, and of course my beautiful grandchild. I love you too, Bella,"
"Goodnight,"
"Goodnight,"
Bella hung up. After their dinner of Chinese dumplings, Bella undressed Renesmee and tucked her into bed. Bella stayed by her bedside until she could see that Renesmee was fully asleep. Bella stared at Renesmee's sweet sleeping form. Renesmee was snoring softly. It was almost musical. She was curled up into fetal position and her curls were spread out on the pillow, like a golden brown halo.
That's when Bella decided what she had to do. She left the bedroom and entered the living room. She quickly grabbed a notebook and pen off her coffee table to sketch out her thoughts. How should she organize this? She wondered at she tapped the pen on her temple. Graphic organizer? Venn diagram? Thought bubble? List? Yes, list. Perfect. She collapsed on to the couch and began.
Before she died, Bella figured she would have to do three things.
Number one. Bella wrote in her messy scrawl. Bella would find a place for Renesmee to stay.
Number two .Bella continued. She would find Renesmee a job. Something simple, like cleaning. Bella knew she didn't want her daughter to be idle. If she wanted to make sure her daughter would be okay, she would have to find Renesmee a job.
Bella paused for a second, thinking of the third thing when a pain erupted in her abdomen. She clutched at it, that damn liver. Bella was afraid of a lot of things. Disease was never on that list. Bella was clumsy and attracted trouble. She knew many things could kill her. Murderers, bears, snakes, and heights to list a few examples. However she never fathomed dying at the hands of a villain inside her. Bella shook those thoughts out of her head. She still was not allowed to fall apart yet; she had to finish the list. Bella waited a few moments for the pain to subside. Then she picked up her pen again to finish the list.
Number three, Bella would teach Renesmee basic life skills, like unlocking a door by herself. Only after Bella was sure Renesmee would be happy and would be taken care of after she died, only then would Bella be able to go in peace. Bella looked across to the kitchen where the oven clock was. The clock wasn't an analog clock, but Bella felt like she could hear the clock ticking. Bella walked towards it, with the intent of turning it off. On the way to the oven, however, was her refrigerator. The Hello Kitty calendar was on the refrigerator, held by a small circular magnet.
Bella walked up to the calendar and smiled at it like an old friend. "We have more in common than you think, you know," She said it to her calendar like a secret. "Both our days are numbered,"
She had less than four months.
She had finished her list.
Now Bella was allowed to fall apart.
What do you think so far? Please review! I love hearing what you have to say.
-Love,
Monique