AN: Dear friends and Russian comrades,

I read a fantastic wikipedia article summary for this series. I now consider myself an expert in the Ororon High School Hookers Club lore, and have decided to put my vast amount of manga related knowledge to use by making a glorious fanfiction. Your eyes will literally fall out of your fucking head due to an intense brain orgasm that you will receive after reading this fiction of fandom.

WARNING! I have a potty mouth and will swear continuously while using italics during this story. If you are offended by the use of slanted alphabet letters, please exit this story immediately, and go and punch your nearest cursive user.

Loooooooooooooove,

Ayumipants

Haruhi lovingly clasped Tamaki's hand, stroking it gently, and relishing the scent of Tamaki's fish stained pants.

"Oh Tamaki, I love the smell of salmon on your crotch," she quipped, eyeing up the zipper of his jeans.

"Why thank you, androgynous woman-man host. I rather like the scent of your generic face."

They looked into each other's eyes, but quickly looked away, knowing that in Japan, this was forbidden. Haruhi and Tamaki could never confess their love for one another, due to the unfortunate circumstance of being in a shoujo manga.

As overdramatic red flushes came over the two lovebird's faces, Honey appeared from behind the couch that they were apparently sitting on this whole time. Tamaki quickly recovered from his bout of shamefulness, and responded:

"Oh hey resident pedobait. What's up?"

Honey clenched his fists, but remained calm, knowing his time for vengeance would come soon. He donned his trademark fake smile, and pulled a random as fuck lollipop out of his pocket, and began licking it in a cute, but semi-erotic way.

"Takamiiiii~~! I have a piece of news about your mother!"

Takami looked stunned, like a deer about to be crushed to smithereens by a steamroller.

"What? What is it Honey? What happened?"
"I raped her."

Honey giggled. Takumi and Haruhi, mouths agape, could not think of an appropriate response to this devastating reveal. Haruhi, finally, after minutes of silent reflection, thought of a retort.

"… Honey, did you… Did you at least use protection?"

"Tee hee, I'm just kidding. Good joke, huh guys?"

Takami didn't reply, as he had passed out on the ground five minutes ago.

"Actually my piece of news is for you, Haruhi! It's about your father, you know, the cross dressing one whose name isn't located on wikipedia?"

"Oh yes, that one. The one that shall remain unnamed throughout this story because it takes too much effort to google search it?

"Yes, that one. He got shot."

Haruhi, expecting something like this, laughed uproariously at Honey's gag.

"No, seriously Harumi. He got murdered. This isn't a joke. He's been lying on the sidewalk outside bleeding to death for the past few hours."

Harumi screamed wildly, like Tarzan, and fled out of the room to attend to her father. Tamaki was still passed out on the floor. Honey glanced at Tamaki's salmon encrusted zipper, and smiled knowingly to himself.

"Well now," thought Honey. "Tamaki lies defenseless, all alone with little Honey… Now what shall I do to pass the time?"

TO BE CONTINUED…

A/N: I'm having a hard time spelling Haruhi not like Harumi, Tamaki not like every goddamn fucking word that starts with a T, and Honey not like shotacon. If I accidentally misspell one of these characters names, do not blame me, for I am just a simple barbershop owner, who happens to be killing my customers for meat pies, and does not have the patience to re-correct my stories, for I have to FUCKING KILL THAT JUDGE DUDE. SERIOUSLY.