"Hello Ginny," said a deep, sexy voice. Ginny Ashleigh Michaeline Gretchen Weasley was sitting in Diagon Alley, drinking tea at a little shop. She looked up to see the person she least expected, yes, least expected to see: Harry James Potter. He's just so handsome, she thought. And now, it is time for quick and unimaginative backstory! Let's go!

Ever since Ginny had turned seventeen, and left Hogwarts to work at becoming a Healer (to "heal" Harry after he defeated Voldemort of course), she had been thinking about, but definitely not expecting to see, Harry Potter. Nope, not expecting at all. Not one jot. He had been off, traipsing around the country with a sexually-involved Ron and Hermione, looking for Horaces, or Whore Crusties, or something like that. As soon as Ginny saw him, she was instantly angry. Whore Crusties, that bastard!

Ginny stood up quickly, knocking her tea all over her tight white shirt. Her miniskirt was instantly drenched as well. Now that you mention it, Ginny was entirely drenched in rainwater, wet and voluptuous like an Amazon princess, and now wearing a white, very short dress that clung to her in a lot of perverted places.

"Harry! I hate you!" Ginny burst into tears, and very hot and powerful tears they were. "You left me to pursue danger and adventure! I loved you! I do love you, but forget you heard that because I was supposed to only be thinking it! I'll tell you later! You are an idiot because you try to protect everyone by distancing yourself from them! Arrgh! Exclamation! And by the way, would you kindly pull this dress material out of my ass! It's uncomfortable!"

Harry eyed Ginny, his interesting green occulars full of love and lust. He ruffled his raven tresses, pulling his pitch-black locks off his white, bescarred forehead. I'd better give them an even cheesier, more sexual description of me, he thought to himself. As if, being people who read and write fanfiction, they didn't already know what Harry Potter looked like! Backstory!

Harry Potter had been indeed running all around the country with his best friends, doing all sorts of dangerous things that could make interesting stories but naturally are less important than Ginny in a tight dress. He was very tall now, with a shaggy mop of really attractive black hair and brilliant large eyes the color of the healthiest grass ever. He was still wearing the glasses, but due to his excellent bone structure and super-hot body, they only made him look even more gorgeous. Harry had been lifting dumbbells regularly, figuring that the eventual battle with one of the most magically-adept wizards ever would amount to a fist fight. This and his night runs and morning jogs and bajillion crunches a day are excuses for Harry's incredibly nice body and rippling muscles. And yet, reasoned Harry, it is possible that no one has thought that Ginny is extremely attractive as well. Perhaps I'd best describe her through my viewpoint—

Harry had destroyed all of the Horcruxes, but that is barely important to this story so we'll start a new paragraph because no one cares about that.

Harry had been dreaming of Ginny (whew, much better paragraph) whilst doing dangerous things all over the country. He noticed now that she was even prettier than before (here we go again), with luscious, fire-colored hair, gigantic blue eyes, and a smattering of orange freckles. Was it mentioned that Harry was becoming sexually attracted to Ginny? Because if it wasn't then you ought to know that Ginny had grown up and filled out big time, and after an unsatisfying fling with Draco Malfoy Ginny Weasley became the prettiest babe on the planet. Ginny was now also sexually attracted to Harry, but it would be dull to repeat the same thing another time (authrs note: lik I looove harry n ill bet hes super sexii in real life ;) :) :D : P ) D P o.0 v.0 and whatever other smileys you can think up).

"I have been training, and now I am very muscular," Harry informed Ginny. "You are noticing this now. Let us contrive a sequence where we fall on top of each other, or into each other's arms, or some other sexual position. Then, after we have a passionate round of intercourse during which you are impregnated, I will fight off hundreds, nay, thousands of dementors and Death Eaters. My shirt will be torn off. You'll kiss me because I'm hot and powerful."

"How about you kill everyone else first, and we need to repopulate the world with out children, and then all the people we love come back to life? And let's work on that Death Eaters/dementor army now, because wow, here comes Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange, and an army of thousands of dementors and Death Eaters!"

"How you temp me vixen!" cried Harry, standing upright, eyes blazing, wand pointy, lightning and thunder crackling in the background. "And isn't it nice how conveniently we've forgotten about Voldemort, except that he is somewhere in the vague future?"

"Yeah. Let's kick some ass Harry! You first," shouted Ginny.

"You killed my beloved godfather!" roared Harry, blasting Bellatrix to itsy, dark-eyed bits without remorse. "And you spawned one of my most hated enemies who is often seen snogging Ginny!" screamed Harry again, turning Lucius into a very blonde pineapple and then blasting him into itsy bits.

"Notice how we have also forgotten about that fantastically greasy enemy, Snape!" shrieked Ginny, pointlessly elbowing a random, 7-foot-tall Death Eater who immediately fell to the ground, dead.

"And how we have such cool and varied words to describe our verbalizing!" yelped Harry. He then screeched "EXPECTO PA-FREAKING-TRONUM!" Naturally, Harry's version of the spell is more effective than aeons of magic put together. An army of diamond stags erupted from his wand, tearing the dementors to shreds and eating them. Harry performed some seriously evil kung-fu, vanquishing Voldemort who doesn't even get a speaking part. During all of this, Ginny slowly begins removing her clothing.

"And take that! And that!" hooted Harry, dealing blow after murderous blow to the Death Eater/Dementor/Inferi/Dragon/Acromantula Army. Harry pushed his raven locks out of his face as he bellowed for the final time, shirt accidentally tearing off with the force of his roar,

"AVADA KEDAVRA, YOU PITILESS BASTARDS WHO KILLED ALMOST EVERYONE I LOVED!" And so immediately everybody in the camp (including Professor Severus "No Speaking Part" Snape) died a miserable death. Harry immediately sat down on a tree stump, because this entire battle took place not in Diagon Alley, but in Hogsmeade/mountains/Hogwarts grounds (authrs note: omg did i not make this clear b4? im soo stupid lol lmao roflmao).

"Ginny, I am now dealing with sadness and inner turmoil because I killed someone. Will I become a vicious monster like Voldemort, Ginny?" sobbed Harry, face in hands. Ginny paused in her strip routine, and clad only in a black bra-and-panties set, she put her arms around a weeping Harry.

"Listen Harry, ur th—I mean, you're the only one for me!" Harry immediately stopped crying (and manly tears they were) and looked up at Ginny.

"Oh Ginny, I realize I love you, but I don't want to ruin your life!" Ginny immediately got angry once more.

"Why does this always happen to me? All I usually want is sex, but you're different Harry! I'm always angry with you in these stories because I love you! And I'm always wearing yellow! And look, my bosom! LOOK AT IT! YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO IT!" Harry smiled weakly.

"You are right, Ginny. I am. I see that now. I am about to declare my true love for you, but first…

"Let us refer to ourselves by our full names, using interesting middle names that we (a) know to be true (b) have heard other people using and we think that they sound right, although we can't be sure or (c) have blatantly made up ourselves."

"Harry, that happened in the beginning of the story!" pointed out Ginny Ashleigh Michaeline Gretchen Weasley. "Bloody hell!"

"What?" asked Harry, confused.

"Oh, just trying to make this thing sound more British by inserting a random, stereotypical phrase! Oh look, I've just set the English back a hundred years!"

"Oh, good," agreed Harry without quite knowing why. "But c'mon with my idea, please?" Harry got down on one knee, and pulled out of his robes a shiny gold ring with an enormous sapphire the color of Ginny's eyes.

"This was my mother's," said Harry quietly, placing it on Ginny's finger. Ginny staggered under the weight and managed to keep upright only by clinging to Harry. "I want you to have it because you are special and my true love. Ginny Ashleigh Michaeline Gretchen Weasley, will you marry me?"

"Oh Harry James Potter!" squealed Ginny joyously, clutching Harry to her shapely bosom and sobbing. "Yes, yes of course! I love you too!"

"Great," muttered Harry thickly, trying desperately to breathe. "Ginny, you know what I just realized?"

"What?"

"We're in a sexually compromising position."

"Wha…? Oh," said Ginny, only now realizing her half-nakedness and Harry's face in her chest. "Ah, well. But Harry, I now must become modest, and ask what will happen if someone finds us?"

"Well, I forgot to mention that every single person and animal on Earth died during my battle with the evil folks. So you and I are the only ones left."

"Oh Harry!" cried Ginny, leaning back to she could look at a now-standing Harry. "You do love me!"

They kissed. And snogged. And while this was going on, the landscape was changing around them. Soon they were standing on a white beach, the cool blue waves in the background and a grassy meadow stretching off the far end of the sand. Harry and Ginny broke apart, panting in each others arms.

"Wow, this is the perfect place to have babies!" exclaimed Ginny, looking around at a cute beach bungalow that appeared randomly.

"Yes," said Harry, looking excitedly at Ginny, "it is." And so they did. After five intensive hours (the sun hadn't moved at all), Harry and Ginny had their own brood of lovable little kids, toddlers, and babies. And so they named them.

There were Lindsay, Kelsey, Raine, Grace, Hope, Larissa, Tammi, Lily, Molly, and Jade Potter. They were beautiful girls with black, red, black, black, blonde, red, red, red, red, and green hair, and let's not even mention their eye colors. Then there were the boys, named Matt, Jesse, Connor, Blaine, Albus, Sirius, Remus, James, Ronald, Arthur, William, Charles, Frederick, George, Dobby, and Moscow Potter. They also had a set of boy/girl twins, named Taylor and Tyler, who were cuddly babies.

"Aw, Harry," said Ginny, busily nursing the twins. "What could make this possibly any better?"

"If the people we loved were alive?" suggested Harry, who was teaching sons 1 to 5 and daughters 2, 3, and 4 to play Quidditch.

"Well, I—" There was a boom of light. Suddenly, Dumbledore magically appeared with the entire Weasley family. Then popped in Sirius, James, Lily, Remus, and Peter, all seventeen years old. Professor McGonagall showed up and Dumbledore cracked open the firewhiskey.

"A toast!" he cried. "To Harry Potter!"

And was everyone drunk, including Harry and Ginny's giggling children.

The End.

As you might have guessed, even those author's notes were parodies. This is definitely not the end to this story, as I have plenty of complaining to do about Lily and James stories and unlikely pairings and Mary Sues and AU stories that are only called that because they are too bad to be realistic. (snark snark snark) )