here we go again,
i kinda wanna be more than friends,
so take it easy on me
1.
"So that is how you conjugate the verb, Finn, you see?"
She looks up at him with one part hopefulness, three parts desperation. Finn nods, even though he has no idea what she said because he just doesn't get Spainsh. It's like his brain shuts off whenever he hears the word 'hola', or something. Not that he doesn't try, because he does. He needs certain grades to get his spots scholarship, which was why Rachel offered to tutor him. But no matter how hard they try he just can't conjugate verbs, or roll his r's, or speak in the past tense.
At first, Finn thought it would be a little weird. He'd just broken up with Quinn and Rachel was kind of scary, the way she sat so close he could smell her apple shampoo. But Rachel didn't try anything, so he figured it was fine. Normally, after five minutes, both teens got so frustrated at Finn's lack of Spanish ability that the last thing on either of their minds is their relationship, anyway.
By the third session, Finn realises that these tutoring sessions are pretty much the highlight of his day. Everybody at school nags him all the time. Telling him what to do, how to do it and why. Rachel, although she isn't very patient, doesn't tell him what to do - unless it's Spanish related. She doesn't give up, applying the same determination that Finn sees at Glee club. She pushes him, sure, but she does it without telling him he's useless. And Finn appreciates that.
By the fourth session, Finn realises that the smell of apple shampoo is kind of a turn on. Or maybe it's just Rachel, and the way she smiles when he finally gains the ability to roll his r's.
By the sixth session Finn realises that he actually likes Rachel a lot. She's helped boost his grades considerably and let him borrow her dad's collection of Bon Jovi, and knows exactly how to calm him down when he shouts at the Spanish book that he just can't do it.
And then, in the eighth session, when he finally learns how to conjugate verbs (mostly), she hugs him tight and they both let out a sigh of relief. She shuts the textbook and hands it to him, and they stand awkwardly for a moment as avoid each other's gaze.
"Thanks, Rachel," Finn finally mumbles. He looks up and for a moment he sees something in Rachel's expression that makes him think of the auditorium so long ago, when she leaned over and said "you can kiss me, if you want". But the moment passes and Finn finally settles on "I…" like you, a lot "I really needed the help."
Rachel smiles and says "no problem" in that bright voice of hers before walking away. She calls "well done!" over her shoulder and Finn waves back to show he heard.
Even the librarian is looking at him with pity.
2.
They win Sectionals.
Finn's happy, really, but all he keeps thinking about is how Quinn and Puck have lied to him for so long. Everyone is cheering and crying and he stands there, to the side a little, his heart slowing down from the adrenaline rush of performing. Puck and Quinn are standing as far away from him as possible, and Finn isn't sure if he can control himself enough to not break Puck's nose. Again.
As everyone leaves the stage Finn stays behind for a little longer, watching the curtains close and the audience's applause slowly die down. He wishes, not for the first time, that everything would just stop. No pressure, no baby, no lies.
He hears tentative footsteps and knows instantly that it's Rachel. He stays focused on the closed curtains, listening to her move closer until he can feel her hand slip easily into his.
"It'll be okay, Finn. You'll get through this."
He's so sick of hearing that. So he turns to face her, letting her hand fall to her side in the process. He sees the fear etched so clearly on his face but he just can't stop himself.
"But what if it isn't okay? What if Quinn keeps the baby and decides to play happy families with Puck while I stand in the background? What if I don't get good grades, don't get a football scholarship and end up being stuck here for the rest of my life?" He can't stop himself, his voice a harsh whisper and cutting into them both. "You'll become a famous Broadway star and I'll be here, waiting for a big second chance that will never come. I'm not like you, Rachel. I'm not good at everything – you know that."
Rachel doesn't say a word, just grips his hand firmly and leads him away from the stage and the uneasy stares from the Glee club.
"You are not breaking down, Finn Hudson. Especially not on this stage after we've just won Sectionals."
Finn is glad that she's not giving him sympathy – he's had enough of the pity glances. She gently pulls him along until they get outside, where she lets him stand, shoulders shaking as he sinks to the floor. Rachel sits beside him, never letting go of his hand. She watches the sun bleeding into the sky and lets Finn lean against her, the silence neither awkward nor comforting.
"I'm sorry," she whispers after a while, letting the words escape before she has a chance to take them back. Apologizing has never been her forte, like Spanish has never been his.
"Me too. I'm sorry for breaking down like that. It just gets to me, you know?"
"I know."
Finn stands up them, holding out his hand. Rachel pulls herself up and they stand there, much like they were in the library a few weeks ago.
Finn wants to say thank you and I think I like you, but it's not the right time. Especially with the Glee club heading their way. So he just squeezes her hand slightly in a gesture that he can't say with words, and let's Rachel's hand fall away.
3.
Rachel and Jesse are the new power couple.
Finn recognises the feeling he gets in his stomach from when he found Puck and Quinn baking, covered in flour and smiling. It seems like months ago - a different life, a different Finn. Rachel looks at Jesse with adoration shining in her eyes, and Finn wants nothing more than to punch him in the face.
Who calls themselves Saint anyway?
If he was talking to Puck then he could take his mind off of the new couple. But he isn't talking to his old best friend, and Puck sits away from him and doesn't say anything under any circumstances. So Finn sits with the rest of the glee club and ignores the love sick glances.
"You need to stop with the depression thing, Finn," Kurt says one lunch, not meeting his gaze as the smaller boy picks at his salad with distaste.
"I'm not depressed. I'm happy, see?" Finn tries to smile but fails, if the looks Mercedes and Tina shoot him are anything to go by.
"For the love of" Kurt takes a calming breath before continuing with "Finn, we all hate Rachel."
Finn opens his mouth to defend her, but snaps it shut again at the look his sort-of brother gives him. "No, seriously, she is the most annoying thing since Miley Cyrus. But we can see that you … like her." Kurt spits the two words out like they are poison. Finn doesn't comment, just stares in shock. "And so, as a group, we have come to the decision that you are going to go up to her and for the love of Gucci, you are going to tell her how you feel."
Finn watches their faces. His friends, who look more genuine than Puck ever has. His friends who want to help him. His friends who are through with his depression over Rachel and want to do something about it.
"No."
"Okay so here is the plan – wait, what?" Artie frowns, the words dying on his lips. He looks at Tina, who shrugs eversoslightly, and then at Kurt, who does a hand gesture that says I give up.
"I said no. She's happy with Jesse." Finn's voice gets louder and Mercedes rolls her eyes in perfect sync with her best friend.
"Cut the crap, Finn. Jesse is going to break her heart. We all know it. So stop the 'if she's happy, I'm happy' rubbish because we all know you will never be happy while she's dating him and she's going to get her little musical heart crushed under Jesse's boots."
Mercedes has never been anything but blunt, and it stings a little. Finn knows that it's not her harsh tone, but the truth laced between the syllables. Finn avoids everyone's gaze, the anger building up inside of him. He traces the patterns of the table with his fingertip and tries to calm down, but it's so hard when he can feel them, constantly watching. Waiting for the inevitable explosion that they never saw at Sectionals.
When Rachel rescued him.
Rachelrachelrachel. Her name, constantly in his head, like a lyric that he can't stop singing. Hell, he's even making musical references because of the girl.
He looks up at just the right (wrong) moment and his eyes catch hers across the canteen. His gaze flickers to their entwined hands, and he can feel Jesse's smirk.
Fuck this. Fuck them all.
He storms out of the room, ignoring his friend's concerned calls, and breaks into a run.
So stop the 'if she's happy, I'm happy' rubbish because we all know you will never be happy while she's dating him.
4.
The rhythmic pounding of the baseball against the wall should give Finn some satisfaction. It doesn't.
He throws the ball with as much strength as he can, trying to make his anger flow into the action, but instead he just feels stupid. He wonders what his mom would say if he went home now, skipping last period. She probably wouldn't question it until breakfast, but Finn has Spanish next and he needs to keep up his grades for -
"I think you should stop doing that, Finn. The gym walls really aren't that strong and we need all the money we can for Glee club."
Finn freezes at the (unavoidable) familiar voice, missing the ball and letting it roll away. His eyes follow it until he feels a hand on his shoulder, and even though his back is to her, he can picture her face. He shrugs Rachel's hand away and turns, ignoring her hurt expression because she has no right be the hurt one.
"Besides, we might have a shot at Regional's this year and –"
He wants to tell her to shut up, but the words don't come. Instead he lets her talk, because Rachel Berry is skilled in the art of conversation and confrontation and any minute now she'll say –
"And Jesse thinks-"
"Screw Jesse," Finn says before he can stop himself.
Rachel blinks up at him and frowns, her expression a mixture of confusion and hurt. Finn pushes away the feeling of protectiveness, because this time it's him that's hurting her, not the other way round. She stares up at him for a few seconds before whispering his name, her tone full of anger.
"He's going to break your heart, Rachel. And I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces."
His words hit Rachel and she steps back, as if the sentence has hit her with physical force. Her eyes narrow and for a second Finn imagines they are in Glee club, and someone has shot down Rachel's idea of a Broadway medley.
"I thought you believed in my relationship with Jesse, Finn. But it turns out you are so full of jealousy and regret now that you realise you cannot have me. But Jesse appreciates me for who I am, and is willing to be with me regardless of his popularity. So if you are going to talk about heartbreak, spare me the lecture. The only person here with a broken heart is you, and that is entirely your own fault."
She spins on her heel like the dancer she is, and storms out of the gym with every ounce of drama queen in her being.
"Rachel, wait! I'm sorry!"
He wants to run after her, like in all those movies his mom makes him watch. He wants to spin her around and kiss her but his feet won't move and he's left standing alone.
"I think I love you."
His words fall on deaf ears.
5.
Finn knows he screwed up.
He's been doing that a lot lately, but the way Rachel glares at him at every opportunity seems to make this time much worse than all his other mistakes. He tries to apologize but Rachel ignores him, and he gives up after his third failed attempt.
Days pass, and Finn feels awkward practising for Regional's because Rachel used to sing with him as a friend and now all she says is "we have to be professional about this, Finn" and he isn't quite sure what that means but he thinks she still hates him.
So when she phones him at four-twelve he doesn't pick up, partly out of spite but mostly because he can't bear to hear her speak to him in her I'm being professional, Finn voice. He heads downstairs to watch old re-runs on TV, deliberately leaving his phone behind.
It's going well for half an hour – pretending to watch while he thinks about punching Jesse, kissing Rachel or both. But not at the same time because he thinks that is kind of impossible. Then there's knocking at the door and Finn knows it isn't his mom, because she has a key. And the only other person it could be is Puck, and seeing as they aren't exactly speaking he feels like he should open the door to whoever is trying to sell him a solar powered microwave.
But it isn't a door to door salesperson. It's Rachel, egg yolk dripping from her hair, her cheeks stained with tears.
"Um." Finn says, wondering if a door to door salesman would have been less awkward. Probably.
"You were right," Rachel mumbles, and Finn steps aside to let Rachel walk in, watching as egg yolk drips onto the floor. And although he feels like he should be basking in the glory of finally being right about something, he wishes everything would stay the same and he'd be wrong because this can only be about one thing.
"What happened?" He asks finally, standing with Rachel in the small hallway and trying to avoid the dripping egg yolk. "Are you-" He cuts off because she obviously isn't okay.
"It doesn't matter. You were right, Jesse ... he wasn't ..."
This is the first time Finn has ever seen Rachel at a loss for words. It's frightening, seeing her with tears in her eyes and her expression clear of anger. Just emptiness.
"You can have a shower if you want. Or I could drive you home." Finn has no idea what to do. Neither, is seems, does Rachel.
"I'd like a shower. I need to wash all the baby chicks out of my hair. I can already hear their tiny cheeps."
Finn looks at Rachel's hair, horrified. But there aren't any baby chicks, so he relaxes slightly. Rachel sighs and Finn indicates the bathroom with a pathetic hand motion. "The shower is upstairs," he says "you can borrow my clothes if you want…" he trails off and watches Rachel walk upstairs, calling a thank you behind her. He gives her a moment before going into his room and picking a shirt that is too small for him now (though will still probably be huge on her) and some sweats that she'll probably hate but will be comfortable for her. By the time he's left the clothes inside the bathroom (without looking), he heads back to the kitchen and pretends this isn't awkward at all.
After almost calling Kurt in an ironic repeat of the 'Quinn's House Drama', Finn finds himself sitting on the sofa trying not to burst into tears and/or hysterical laughter. Rachel walks in about fifteen minutes later, trying not to trip in his clothes.
"Thanks for the clothes, Finn."
That's all she says. Finn waits for a mention about Broadway, or Glee club, or Jesse being evil, but she stays silent.
"I love you," he says (finally), because he's never been good at romance and he can't keep this a secret any longer. He thinks even rejection would be better than being somewhere in the middle. He isn't sure if the words fell out of his mouth or he planned to say them, but from the slightly panic he feels in his chest he assumes it's the former.
Rachel looks at him like his mom does when he waits for his toast to pop up and then realises he never turned the toaster on in the first place. You're hopeless, Finn. His mother's words float into his head and he wonders if time travel is possible because now he's really screwed up.
"I know," Rachel replies, smiling as she stands up on her tip toes, and just before their lips meet she says four words effortlessly, having the courage that Finn thinks she's known for:
"I love you too."
(And who is he to argue?)
Hello again! Glee season two still hasn't aired here, but I am in love with Darren Criss and cannot WAIT for some Blaine/Kurt action (;D)! Some of you might be surprised with this fic because a) it's a Glee fic & a Finn/Rachel (which I do ship along with Rachel/Jesse, in case you were wondering!) and b) It's been a while. But I finished this a while ago and thought it would be a nice way to say that I'm off my sort-of hiatus for now! I don't like the ending to this but nothing else seemed to fit, so please leave a review if you have the time! Also it's SNOWING! In ENGLAND. Hope you're all well and remember me, at least a tiny bit! (:
(If you've read the authors note, thanks again!)