Title: If I Could Change the Past
Written: April 22 2018 (edited May 11 2018)
Warnings: Mentions of suicidal ideation.
Characters: Yukio Okumura, Rin Okumura.
Summary: At the end of everything, Yukio has the power he wanted and nothing at all. Rin will not let this stand.
IMAGE CREDIT: This fic was directly inspired by Kannra21's absolutely stunning art of Yukio, shown in the cover. Please follow her and check her art on her tumblr and DeviantArt under the account name "kannra21". Thanks!
Yukio was crouched on the floor, staring inwards. The power was beyond what he ever imagined. The heatless fire surrounded him, bound to his mortal shell. Through this cloak of blue flames, no one could ever hurt him again. No one could ever get near him again.
The white-blue spectral wings folded protectively over his now-distorted body. Eyes in perpetual slits, ears distended and sharp, and the same dark brown tail as his brother's swaying behind him. He had what he wanted. He'd thrown away every last thing he had for this. His home. His family. His humanity. The victory echoed like a tolling bell in his hollow heart.
There was no future for him. The world was falling to ashes. His ill-gotten gains might save his worthless hide for another day, but for what purpose? He was tired.
The blue flames wrapped closer around him in response to his self-pity, alternating cold and warm. He didn't fight them. Wasn't like he could. He had no control of their temperature or shape. They only responded to shield him from harm… even if that harm came from himself.
A smirk came across his face. Here again, huh? Three months, and nothing had changed since that fateful snowy day. He was still a weak shell of a human being that didn't deserve to live. Despite all this power, he couldn't do the one thing that would bring him and others peace.
"Yukio-
He cut off his brother's attempted telepathic connection. He didn't want Rin's pity. There was only one use for a defective tool. To make a superior one. At least then his life would have meaning. That's all he was alive for, wasn't it? To be surpassed and defeated. If only Rin's heart wasn't so soft. This could all be over soon if it wasn't for that.
"If I could change the past, would things be different?"
So much could've been done if things were different. A word here and there. A truth that hadn't been hidden. A child that was never born.
Yes… He gazed upwards at the broken sky. If there were one thing in the past that he wished for, it would be to have never existed.
"Was it mercy for you too, Fujimoto Shiro?" he asked, aware there could be no answer. "You wanted to save people, just like Rin. All you had to do was make a choice. But you didn't. You left it to Rin."
And now Rin had no choice.
"Dumbass!"
Rin ran faster. Even though Yukio had shut out his voice, he could viscerally feel his turmoil. He had ever since Yukio's power was awakened. He might not know what he was thinking, but he sure as heck knew what he was feeling. And it had never been this bad. The waves of despair and self-hate crashed down on him relentlessly.
Self-hate. Part of him still couldn't believe it. Yukio used to be a crybaby, but then he grew up and was okay. He was cool, serious, all the things that weren't like him… all the things that were "successful" in the real world. But Rin was fine with that. If only one of them could make it out okay, it'd be Yukio. That was the way things should be, and Rin never let himself doubt that.
He'd been wrong. The pain conveyed across their shared mental link was unremitting. The worst was the suicidal longing. He felt sick and nauseated as his brother's death wish looped endlessly in his mind. He wished it would stop, but telling Yukio wasn't an option. If he did, Yukio would just find another way to hide it.
That's what always happened. He was in pain, but hid it along with everything else. He kept lying, despite how it did nothing but hurt.
He had to reach him soon. Rin restrained the urge to vomit, the despair ramping again in his mind, threatening to overwhelm everything. He had to endure these feelings too. He had to face them, no matter how much Yukio pretended they didn't exist.
He couldn't change the past and all the times he wasn't there. But he'd be there for him now.
"Let me help you, dammit!"
The white-haired exorcist yelled into the sky and through their connection. The conflagration of blue fire spread outwards with the force of his will.
Didn't matter if they were tools at first. Didn't matter whether he was a human or demon. Dad spared their lives. They'd been worth protecting. They had a choice to do whatever they wanted. He needed to make Yukio see that, before it was too late.
He raised the mended Kurikara against the double doors. The fire let loose all around him, blazing in light and warm, razing the confines.
"I'll make you see… that your life is worth saving!"
Notes: I debated whether or not I should post this fic, even though I'd already shared it on Blue Knight. I wrote it at a very stressful time in my life. My startup team was dissolving and my research wasn't coming together. My mom had flown out to visit me and offer support, but suddenly developed a rapid-onset medical condition. I had to take her to the hospital and stay with her. Between keeping my dad and brother back home informed on her status and managing the medical team assigned to my very-nauseated and scared mom, including one jackass who insisted on denying antiemetics, I was scared and I couldn't let it show. Writing this fic while in the hospital helped me keep it together. Things worked out. Mom recovered.
It's hard to pretend to be strong for others, when you want nothing more than someone to be strong for you. It gnaws at you, makes you feel like less of a person, until you're reduced to a bitter shell. But there's more to you, to your life than that. There are always new things, new places, and new people.
If you relate to Yukio in this fic or any of my other fics: things will get better. I know it's not much coming from some fanfic author on the internet, but I mean it. There's a Rin out there who wants you to be okay.