Aftermath of a Nightmare
Part 1
I wake screaming
And realize it was a nightmare.
I didn't kill him
Vincent is not dead
It felt so vivid, so real.
The tear, the blood,
The lifeless eyes frozen,
Staring at me in pain, hurt, betrayal.
My heart hammers in terror…still
Where did it come from?
Why did my mind go there?
Was it the words of my damned father
or the ultimatum by Gabe…
Oh my God!
Gabe…
I turn and see him in this bed.
What have I done?
How did I get here?
Not with my Vincent but
with the very man who tried to kill him,
kill me…if not for Vincent.
How did I betray him this way?
Leave Vincent?
Walk away?
Choose Gabe over Vincent?
I can't…
I won't…
What have I done?
How did I get here?
Vincent and I were meant to be.
I told him that,
Hit him over the head with it.
Said countless times
I accepted who he was
But when he came back changed
Through no fault of his own:
Tortured,
Controlled by my monstrous father,
Memories erased,
I didn't hold true.
I pushed and pushed and pushed; used him, his beast…
What did JT say?
"It's hard to be Dr Jekyll when
everyone wants Mr Hyde…"
My Vincent who even through his beast has shown more…
humanity than all of us.
We all betrayed him.
Tried to mold him to what we wanted to see
And he has tried so hard for so long to feel worthy.
Fighting his beast.
Wanting to be a man and we wouldn't let him.
Pushed him to Tori, his beast taking over
Didn't see his pain, his struggle.
The emptiness he felt,
But seeking what little warmth he could find
With someone who understood him better than I did…
For a time.
And I should have
Understood!
I loved him more than life
But I shot him
Yes, I say to myself
I did it for him,
but in his state he could only see
The betrayal
The anguish.
That was real
I did that
I swore to protect him
I didn't keep my promise
I protected a monster instead...
Can I live…
A life without Vincent?
It's not possible
My heart wouldn't survive
Who am I?
What have I become?
How did I get here?
In this place with…Gabe?
No.
No longer.
I can't!
I won't
Do this anymore.
Vincent what have I done?
How do we return to each other?
JT said you were doing this for me.
Beast cold turkey he called it -
Desperate to be the man I fell in love with
And you are that man again.
I was blind, didn't see
When you went public
You wanted that with me once
Picket fences…
You saved me time and time again
Saved Tess
Saved JT
Even saved Gabe
For me.
Because, because…
You love me still, I know that now
If you can do this for me
I can do no less for you.
To be worthy of you
I start by making a choice.
I CHOOSE YOU VINCENT
###
Part 2
I stand outside the boathouse door
Fear trickles up and down my spine
I want to turn the handle
Go inside and never leave him again
I want so much to say I'm sorry
For doubting him, leaving him
I want to tell him
That I accept all of who he is
And mean it
To love him once more – without reservation
But…
Fear, guilt, rejection, loss; they assault me
Will he let me back in
After all that has happened?
That I know he feels he has done to me
That I in return have done to him
We let go of each other
Lost our way
Can we find that way back
To what we had?
Or is it too late?
He said he wants me back to JT but…
Now I've been with Gabe
The man who tried to kill him
Will he accept my aberration?
Or condemn me for it as I condemn myself…
I place my hand against the door
I breathe in and out
Steady myself
Whisper against the cool metal
"Vincent – I know you can hear me
Hear my heartbeat
Know my fear
Losing you - that's my nightmare
Living a life without you in it
It wouldn't be a life
I am so sorry
For everything that's been done to you
By Gabe, my father, me…
I can't change it even as I wish I could
Go back in time
Hold on tighter to your hand
Listen when you said Gabe wasn't to be trusted
Know better than to doubt your instincts
He may be good now but at what cost?
Us?"
I hear breathing on the other side of the door
He is there, listening, silent
Does he condemn me
or is he willing to give me, us, another chance?
"Vincent," I choke on his name
"I lost my way.
I didn't know what to do or how to do it
When we found you
Changed by my father
The horrors that must have been inflicted
I can't even imagine
and then…
when you open yourself to me again I pushed you away
Yet you tried again and again, fighting your beast
Taking solace in Tori but even then managing to fight her beastly pull, break free
And what do I do?
I choose… Gabe?"
I almost spit out his name
"That I could do that to you
is beyond even my comprehension and yet I did
Forgive me?"
"Catherine…" his voice caresses
from behind the door
"there's nothing to forgive.
I've done things, such terrible things…
to you.
I didn't mean to but I did.
I didn't remember you and then it came back in fragments
As if in a dream
Memories are there now but incomplete
I'm not the same man I was
I don't know how to do this
I want to but…
Because I love you so much
I want you to be happy
You deserve that more than anything.
If that happiness is elsewhere, even with Gabe…"
He truly loves me and I can only wonder at him.
Who else but Vincent would sacrifice his happiness for mine?
"Vincent, my happiness is with you
I said once that my normal was with you
I meant it then and even though we've been lost to each other I mean it now
I love you Vincent…"
The door opens and my happiness smiles at me
"I remember…and that I am so in love with you."
He takes me in his arms
Holds me like he will never let me go
I won't let him
He is mine as much as I am his
and as his beautiful mouth nears my lips
I smile tremulously at him
"Vincent, I choose you."
###
Part 3
Vincent draws me closer to him
As if to merge our bodies
While our lips seek to quench an unslakable thirst
It's been so long since I felt this hunger.
Thanksgiving at my father's a distant memory
that dims in comparison with the thunder in our bodies
We cling tightly to each other
I now know why it would never have worked
…with Gabe.
Alive, I've never felt this alive:
Loved, cherished, desired, craved
As Vincent makes me feel when he holds me,
Kisses me
Adores me
Nerve endings screaming
Our bodies begging for union
The growl that emanates from deep within him
Thrills me, excites me
Knowing he is more in control of his beast…
My fingers find his robe,
tearing at it, tossing it away
As he makes short work of my clothes…
Oh God!
His hands
Travel across my body
Seeking skin, caressing me into shaking oblivion.
As the moon illuminates us
we stand bare before each other.
Renewed
He steps back to drink me in
It's intoxicating
The smooth plains of his chest gleaming like a sculpture
My very own Adonis!
I giggle at the thought.
"What?" he smiles
"You're my very own Adonis…"
I answer as my hands touch the surface of his skin
"Then you're my very own Aphrodite.."
he growls once more as he sweeps me into arms that bind me to him
"Closer, I need you closer…" he breathes as his mouth crashes back towards mine
"Never letting you go again."
His kiss deepens.
He breathes life from my lips, as I breathe life from him
I sigh deeply
He's a part of me and always will be
How did I think I could be without him?
Live without him?
Love anybody but him?
I shudder at how close I came to losing him.
Vincent pauses
Glowing liquid amber eyes search mine
I trace where the scar once was
"I think I've been truly insane these last months.
I almost lost you forever." I whisper
"You will never lose me Catherine."
I tremble as he caresses my name with his honey voice
"We're together now. I am humbled that you chose me.
Love me, accept me, knowing what I still am…find me worthy…"
"Vincent, I lost my way, lost sight of us.
Never again.
I won't let it happen.
You're worthy.
It's I that needs to be worthy.
Of you."
Vincent shakes his head in disbelief.
"How did I ever find you?"
I laugh happily,
The first time in a long time
"What?" he questions
"You've said that before."
"Yes, I remember, back at the old warehouse."
I stare at him
"You remember?"
"Yes. That's not all I remember about the old warehouse…"
as his hands caress my body, achingly familiar.
"Is that so?" I gasp as his fingers find my wanting softness
"Yes but no more talk. It's time to make new memories…"
he vows as once again he finds my lips.
Lips that devour mine with savage intensity but also…reverence,
as if to atone, silently declare just how much I mean to him.
I hear his unspoken promise that we'll never be parted again
As his mouth, hands, arms, body, tangle with mine,
worshiping me with his very essence
I press against his glorious strength, his sizzling heat, his hammering heart
And I become needy, wantonly craving more of him
My body screaming for unity and the wholeness that only he can provide
Completion becomes my mantra
I moan as he lifts me high into his arms
I wrap myself around him, naked skin on skin
Kissing like we'll never stop.
I lace my fingers through his hair
As he walks unerringly towards the stairs
Ascends
Eyes closed while yet kissing me
As no 'normal' man can
Senses in tune with me, the space around us
Why did I ever doubt him?
How can I not love his beast too?
As the beast loves me
I feel it and him – seemingly one
At peace for perhaps the first time
For me
All for me
For love of me
It's at once glorious and terrifying.
To be loved so much
is a sacrament I now cherish beyond life
He is mine and I will never let him go again
As we tumble to his bed
I guide him into my center and at that joining
I almost cry with joy
Bliss so sublime
Overtakes me as we climb even higher
To that plain where only we exist
Eyes lock
Time stops
…and Love forgives
Two hearts beat as one
Ecstasy follows
And realization dawns
We're home
In each other
Vincent is my home
Not my family, nor friends, nor place of birth
Not my city nor my work
Not my monstrous father
Not Gabe
Only Vincent
He is my man and my beast
He is also my heart
My love
My soul
"Vincent, I love you, now and always.
Don't ever let me go."
"Catherine.
I love you so very much.
You're my humanity.
My light and my life.
I'll never leave you."
Vows spoken.
Passion flares as we soar once more
While love is sealed forever.
Hearts and bodies irrevocably entwined
Vincent's and mine.
###
© Karin Witnish 2014