Boats and Birds
Disclaimer;; I don't own anything except for Daisy, Kai and Keith.
Author Note;; I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH. I had to use it. And for some reason, I was like 'loldrama' and then before I knew it Stan was battling in Iraq leaving his beloved Kyle behind to miss him and wait for him to come home. Haha, review plz? c:
When Stan joined the army, I knew things would change. I tried to convince him not to do it. I begged him to stay with me and maybe get a job at the local police station (though it wasn't much better, really) or a safe job. He only shook his head and told me he wanted to do this; serve his country.
It brought tears to my eyes to hear him sound so…noble.
The night before he left, we had violent sex that almost made me want to cry. At one point I might have, but it was lost in the noises and the sadness we shared together, embracing each other as we basked in our warmth. That one moment, short and perfect, seemed to last forever.
But when he left, I felt this hollow feeling in my heart. He promised to write and he kissed my face, lips so soft and gentle that I almost pulled him back and begged him not to leave. He left me at the front step crying my eyes out and begging the spot he once was to never leave me.
I might have stopped crying, really, when night came. I might have been crying without knowing it, since everyone kept giving me these horrible, pitiful looks. Like I was a lost dog that everyone ignored. I felt lonely, the kind of loneliness I hadn't felt in so long.
Stan was always with me. When we were kids we were best friends, always sharing and laughing and playing video games. But then we got to high school and when Stan dated Wendy I realized my feelings for him were more than friendship. I confessed this to him on a rainy night at the prom senior year through my tears, and he had kissed me, leaving a clueless Wendy in her pink dress in the room waiting for him to return.
We went to the same college and our relationship seemed to grow, no matter what happened. Stan joined the football team there and I studied, earning a bachelor's degree while Stan grew strong and fast and even more outgoing than he usually was. I planned to get my masters but then Stan asked to marry me.
I had laughed, but the serious look on my face made me stop. We didn't actually get married; we moved in together and I guess acted like a married couple. The thing about Stan was that he liked saying something would happen, and in his own mind it did. In this case, we were 'married.' Which was cute, if you think about it, and kind of funny. I told him this once but he had looked upset so I never said such a thing again.
Stan liked sex. It was like his hormones were always on over-drive and he needed to have sex or he would die. A sex vampire…I think they're called an incubus or something. Anyway, I wasn't used to it at first but I adapted to it; grew to love it. He was always so tender and gentle, his love for me soaking through his kisses and movements and skin.
So, it had scared me that night when he fucked me so hard I almost bled. I knew he was thinking what I was; if he died, he needed to say goodbye the way Stan says goodbye. Through actions. He would never even imply he would die in war so the best he could do was kiss me the way he did before he left. Touch me the way he did, speak in that gentle tone of his that he only held for such occasions.
The first night alone was hard. The bed felt empty without his warmth beside me. The loneliness the house held, once so full of joy and life, almost made me cry. A month after he left, I decided to get a job.
I became a teacher. I guess the hours I spent grading and making up lesson plans help distract my mind from Stan and where he was, what was he doing. I used to always think 'is he thinking of me?' or 'is he hurt? Is he alone? Is he scared?' It helped having my mind distracted by scribbled words of my students, a snarky comment written in a question box that made me smirk.
But, the loneliness I held never left. It didn't help when I got the first letter. I saw it in my mailbox and for some reason, I didn't need to see the address to know it was from Stan. I ran inside and threw my groceries on the kitchen table and ripped the letter open to fast the envelope ripped in half.
I read it over and over again, soaking in the words, imaging him saying them to me, in that voice and with that smile.
"Dear Kyle," I read softly to myself, leaning against the wall, sagging against it weakly. "How are you? I know you must miss me already, and I miss you too. It's pretty rough here, but I'm safe, and I don't plan on going anywhere, so stop thinking about that. I know you, Kyle, and I'm coming home. So please, stop worrying. I love you so much. I don't think you even know. I love you. I love you, Kyle, and I'm coming home, ok? Love, Stan."
I began to cry. I don't know why, but I just did. I stopped once my eyes were red and dry, and I washed my face and put my groceries away. I wrote back, and we exchanged letters. His always came late, and I didn't mind; I knew it was rough out there. It scared me when one came later, but I always told myself he was fine, and he'd be home.
When things got rough, I'd listen to what Stan had called 'our song.' When he did that I had laughed at him and called him a fag, but he had kissed me and turned the volume of the radio up so high the song drowned out our moans and love. Ever since then, I also called it our song. Boats and Birds, by a not-so-famous band called Gregory and the Hawks. Whenever I listened to it, I always wondered why it was 'our song'. It was sad and lonely, but Stan had said it was obviously full of love, and it fit us perfectly.
Months after he left, I was lying in my bed listening to it, softly humming along with it, reading one of Stan's letters to myself.
"If you be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn jet black and you show off your light, I live to let you shine, I live to let you shine."
I closed my eyes, remembering, because that's what got me through the day. I remembered one summer when we were 17. Stan had just gotten a new car from his dad as a birthday present, and he hadn't shut up about it. So, Cartman had challenged him about it and convinced Stan to drive them to the lake to 'test it out'. I went along because I wasn't sure what Cartman had in mind and wanted to see. Once we got there he simply sat at the lake and pointed across it to where a senior party was going on, and told Stan to use his car to bang a senior chick.
I, of course, had almost pissed my pants in both surprise and fear. Yeah, fear. I don't know why but the thought scared me; of Stan doing it with a girl in his new car. It just…made me sick. But Stan had held his chin high and left.
When he came back, somehow (I didn't want to look or see how) he convinced Cartman he did it. I didn't want to ride in his car but I had to so I sat in the front since obviously that wasn't where it went on. After we dropped off Cartman I finally asked Stan which one he did, and he gave me this weird look, as if I had just asked him if he was getting plastic surgery.
"No one," he had said, as if it were obvious. "I lied."
I couldn't even find words to describe my relief.
"How the hell did you convince him?"
"That, my friend, is a secret," he winked and I had to laugh at him for that. "But seriously, you were acting weird. You weren't," his eyebrows shot up. "jealous, were you?"
I had almost peed myself again. "The hell man, of course not!" I had said as if he hit me. "God, are you gay or what?"
"Me?" he shot me a look as he drove toward my neighborhood. "You're the jealous one."
"Was not!" my face had turned to red I was embarrassed my skin could even turn that red.
"Whatever dude," he had laughed and pulled next to my house. As I climbed out he had reached out and grabbed my sleeve. I had paused and turned to him and nearly staggered at his expression. His whole expression was gentle, his eyes smoldering, melting my gaze. I almost fainted at the look on his face right then.
Then he released my sleeve, slammed the passenger door shut, and drove off into the night.
"But you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy. Far from here with more room to fly, just leave me your stardust to remember you by."
Then I remembered prom night. Oh, I remembered that perfectly. I remember getting suits together and laughing about it, calling each other names that always included penguin. Penguin fag, dumb ass shit like that. We were 18, nervous, and trying to be funny. I seriously had thought Stan loved Wendy. He dated her throughout junior and senior year. Even though he spent more time with us, she was always one of his top priorities. I always admired his dedication to her, but I never liked Wendy. I had no reason to dislike her; she was charming, cute, funny and nice. But the fact she was dating Stan, and the thought of her kissing him, made me hate her.
She looked beautiful when I saw her with Stan later that night, and I felt the anger boil in me. We'd be going off to college soon and I probably wouldn't see Stan again, and for some reason I was jealous he wasn't spending prom with me. Which, of course, was ridiculous.
Wendy had been grumbling about the rain, even though the prom was inside, when I walked off without explaining myself. I guess I couldn't handle my annoyance any longer and needed to cool my head. I flopped on a bench, took a breath and fixed my hair, and sulked.
Moments later Stan joined me and we sat in silence. I kept looking at him, as if making sure he was still there, and laughed when I saw his hair sticking all over his face from the rain, dripping and shimmering from the rain.
"Wha?" he asked, surprised. I reached over and fixed his hair, only realizing how intimate I was being when I saw his gentle gaze holding my startled one. I slowly moved away but then he leaned close, stopped, and pulled away.
"I need to get back to Wendy," he had said. And then, I lost it and began to cry. He looked completely horrified and rushed to my aid, mumbling soothing words but he looked confused and if anything, scared. I had managed to gulp enough air to speak.
"I love you Stan," I had sobbed, and then he kissed me in the rain under the moonlight with messy hair that was sticking to his face again, and then all over mine but I didn't mind. I never minded.
"If you be my boat, I'll be your sea. A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity, ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze. I live to make you free. I live to make you free."
I also remembered when I realized I loved Stan. We had been playing video games at his house, his underwear and dirty shirts all over the place. Even though I was tidy and clean, I was used to his messy ways and tolerated his messy room. I was on his bed and he was in front of me, back pressed against the bed and his head resting near my working hands on the controller.
And then he won and grinned up at me, and in that moment, I knew I had fallen in love with my best friend Stan Marsh.
"But you can set sail to the west if you want to and past the horizon till I can't even see you. Far from here where the beaches are wide, just leave me your wake to remember you by. If you be my star, I'll be your sky. You can hide underneath me and come out at night. When I turn jet black and you show off your light, I live to let you shine. I live to let you shine."
I closed my eyes as I remembered, lying on the empty bed that we had made love so many times before. The same bed that we shared every night and whispered loving words to each other, holding each other and laughing and sharing the unspoken bond we held far beyond friendship and far beyond lovers.
We had fights too of course. I remembered one when we first moved in together. I had been unpacking and he found all my old magazines; the porn ones that Kenny would bring over and we'd read and laugh at, making sex jokes and sometimes jerking off to. Stan didn't seem to mind, not even when he found Kenny's old porn movies he left at my house, so I guess I had no right to get pissed off when I found an old picture of him and Wendy in high school.
People forgot things and lost things, so I knew I shouldn't have been mad when I found the picture of Wendy with only her bra on sitting on a half-naked Stan's lap, both grinning and winking at the camera with beaming faces. I just…got pissed and started ganging up on him. He had shot right back at me, something about me being a pussy. I almost ran off but I only engrossed myself with unpacking.
We made up that night through sweaty bodies and breathed apologies.
"But you can skyrocket away from me and never come back if you find another galaxy, far from here with more room to fly. Just leave me your stardust to remember you by, stardust to remember you by."
Only when the song ended did I realize just how relevant it was at that moment. I opened my eyes and rolled off my bed, rubbing my sleepy eyes and turning the radio off. I crawled into bed and went to sleep alone again. The next morning, I expected a letter, since it had been weeks since the last one. When it didn't come, I stayed calm and went to my job. But, no matter how much I tried to focus on my students I still worried.
That night, I went to Kenny's to visit. He always cheered me up. He ditched his hood sophmore year of high school and pretty much fell in love with some girl named Daisy. They got married senior year of high school and shockingly, were still together and had two children; twins. Their kids always had smiles on and had Kenny's bright blue eyes and their mother's rusty brown hair.
The somewhat smaller one of the two answered the door and looked at me with wide eyes.
"MOMMA! KYS HEEEERE," he wailed and ran off. I hesitated but stepped in, enjoying the warmth that folded over me. I shut the door and took my shoes off, venturing into the kitchen, where many voices were coming from.
"Kyle," Kenny greeted gleefully as I entered. He had Kai, the stronger twin, in a headlock. Keith, the small one, was helping his mother cook something at the oven. I always thought Daisy was pretty. She had a quiet personality and had solemn grey eyes and the oddest brown color as hair. Her hair was cropped short and she was always reading, so when Kenny announced they were dating I was actually surprised. In the end, everything worked out.
"Kyle," Daisy also greeted me with a smile, but I was already being pulled into a headlock by Kenny, who gave me a rough noogie.
"Heyyy, where've you been buddy?" he shouted happily. "Haven't seen yeh since…" he stopped and released me, looking almost apologetic. I smiled reassuringly and declined his invitation to dinner.
"Well," Kenny said as he pushed a huffing and screaming Kai away from him with ease. "Dinner should be ready in…"
"…ten minutes," Daisy finished with a beautiful laugh. "You two big boys can play."
"Sweet, dude," Kenny said and dragged me off. He really didn't change much. In middle school he got in with the wrong crowd; a gang. He became an alcoholic and experimented with drugs, but we pulled him out of it enough that he got his life back in order. When he met Daisy, everything seemed to fall into place with him.
We ended up in the basement watching TV but mostly talking about dumb things. Like the weather, his family, my life, my job, things like that. Eventually I left, promising myself to call Kenny later and invite him and the family over for dinner. I felt like I was starting to drift away from my friends since Stan left.
When the letter didn't come the next week, I panicked. I went through all the things that could have happened in my head, trying to tell myself 'no' but then the possibilities came back. I listened to Boats and Birds until I heard it in my head all the time and tried to throw myself in my work. It didn't work.
The night Kenny and Daisy came over, I was at my limit. I had made a simple meal and we chatted happily over the table. Like always, I hid my feelings of anguish and laughed and talked with my friends.
"So, Kyle," Daisy was saying as I sipped my water. "How's the class been doing?"
"Hm," I set my cup down. "Fine. I'm really enjoying how things have been going."
"That's nice," Daisy smiled at me in that way that made you fall a little bit in love with her. She had a weird ability to do that with a simple smile. That's probably how she got ever-changing Kenny to fall in love with her.
"So what are your summer plans?" Kenny asked. "Daisy and I are going to Florida for vacation. Are you and Stan doing anything?"
Stan.
Somehow, I didn't expect him to mention Stan and summer. I somehow felt better, knowing Kenny had confidence Stan would come back safe by then. I choked down tears and anything emotional and only shrugged.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe we'll go to Florida, too."
Or Hawaii, or Canada, or the moon. I don't, and never will, give a shit. I love Stan and wanted him home, and we would go all around the world together over the summer if we wanted to. As long as he was there with me, anything would do. I would go to the bottom of the ocean as long as he was there holding my hand.
"That'd be fun," Daisy giggled. Kenny smiled at her lovingly and set his fork down, turning to me.
"Next time, you and Stan are coming over to our house for dinner."
It was so firm, so sure, that I almost thanked him. Yeah, Stan was coming home, letter or not. I just knew it. I waved them goodbye and cleaned up before I went to bed alone again, remembering in my dreams and singing our song, imagining his voice right next to my ear singing with me.
The next day I got a letter.
It only had five words scribbled on it in messy blue ink.
I'm safe. I love you.