Here's a new story I cooked in the past months, as my blog says, sometimes you just need more life in your life to know it's real. A walk in the night is often recommended to clear your thoughts; well Matt doesn't have any other way of getting home, so he has plenty of time to discuss with himself the reason of being. One sided story.
Just like all of us, he talks to himself sometimes, and also, just like all of us; he questions himself on why does he do things like he do.
Enjoy, comments are always welcomed.
msballes.
For so long now have I lingered in expectancy, passing my eyes through the road, hoping to see you coming on the horizon, I'm waiting for you. Although long and cold has been the wait, I keep holding; grasping that little left of hope that dwells inside me with all the strength that my cold hands can muster.
I'm still holding, maybe this time, you'll remember that I'm here… waiting.
It's cold outside.
Sometimes I think that you are trying to hang on too, that you are actually fighting the urge to call me and tell me that you miss me, just like it happens to me everyday. But then I think about those times when you had the chance of saying something, all those moments you had to tell me something, why would you let them go? Why would you let things fall down? And then I remember; that I let them fall too.
There will be no angels tonight, to take me back home, saving me from the bitter and windy night. As I walk in the shadows, hoping that the cold weather will make you shiver and remember how warm it was our embrace, I imagine that my phone starts ringing, and that as I look at the ringing phone, I'll see your number displayed on it, and then I'll know that you're calling me because you miss me as I miss you. You're calling because it's late and you're worried that I'm not home yet.
But looking at my phone, the screen keeps black, unlighted and silent. Sighing, my gaze turns back to the road; my feet are cold as they step on the hard stone floor. Hugging my old sweater and changing my bag to my other arm, I can't help a chill climb up my back; it's very cold tonight and the skies are dark with clouds, I think it's going to rain.
Time to fasten up the pace, it's still a long walk ahead and it's already late. I should've thought of these kinds of situations before choosing night school.
Damn.
It was better when there was somebody waiting for me outside school to take me home.
We would get in the car and we just talk about our days, how was yours and how was mine, and I'd feel there's nothing better on earth than those moments we were sharing. Then, once we'd get home, you'd start mumbling that you're tired, I'd start cursing because you have to work so early the next day and it would all end in you staying with me for another while, just sitting inside the car, looking at the stars through the sun roof, while yellow bright eyes look through the glass, a furry white cat that stares at us from outside the windows.
It was better when I wasn't walking alone at night.
There are no stars to look upon as I walk; the moon seems to be hiding behind those heavy clouds that look like they have quite some water on them, every once in a while she takes a quick peek below, gracefully gazing down to the earth from her hiding place behind the clouds. But since there's no moon, the streets seem darker than usual; the street lights are very dim, I can barely see the floor I'm walking on, although a few car lights seem to illuminate the road every now and then. Right now, it's just me and the dark empty street.
Guess I'll just have to keep on walking.
As the wind keeps blowing in my face and I feel the constant chill creep up my back, I remember those times when I felt cold before, how it all seem to go away when you placed your arm around my shoulders, I'd start to feel all warm inside and then a tranquil feeling would embrace me. I wonder now where did that warm feeling go to? Where did all that happiness go to? Where did I let go of your hand?
When did I get so lost? Have I truly lost my way? Or have I just mistaken it for another one?
It's so ironic, that I can't help but laugh; I can't even answer my own questions.
Talking about ironic, its funny how so many people asked us that how was it possible that we didn't get bored of each other; always saying that we were stuck together, that we didn't do anything with out the other, asking us if didn't we have separate lives to live each on its own.
Everybody pointed their fingers, saying we were this and that, saying that we didn't have this or that to make it work; it was never enough for anyone. All of your friends complaining about the lack of attention you gave them; all of my friends complaining about the serious tone our relationship had, all saying I wasn't ready for it. And our parents, gosh what didn't our parents say! But I wonder, what do they all say now? Are they happy, satisfied maybe? Did we prove them right? Does it make us normal now that everything's screwed up? I mean, we're separated now, aren't we?Isn't space what everyone said we needed? Isn't that what our families said we should put in between?
Families, a bunch of creepy relatives that think that know everything and that meddling is considered part of "being family", like if it were a right that comes with blood.
Yup, I've never been much of a family person, maybe because of the way my family is or maybe because I don't really appreciate people meddling, I don't really know for sure. And even though I'd love to have a happy family someday, I certainly don't have it right now.
Our families always behaved odd at the beginning of everything, yours and mine the same; they didn't seem to accept us being together at first, everybody wanted to give an opinion or have a statement; everybody giving us answers to questions we hadn't asked and solutions to problems that didn't even exist. The only one who took it smoothly and actually celebrated it since day one was my dad; even before it actually happened (me and you, as something more than friends) he was always happy about us. He's always saying we can do whatever we want as long as we're together.
It'll be hard at first but don't give up, you two be happy one with the other and the rest will come on its own; he said to us the day we told him, a day hasn't passed on which he doesn't ask about you all the time. I remember I said once that he was in love with you too, that we were rivals now; you laughed so hard about it and raised your chest, saying a handsome guy like you wasn't something that came everyday with the mail.
I never did understand why everybody else couldn't just take it like my dad did; I mean, it wasn't something strange, it's obvious it was going to happen someday, being how we were one with the other. But oh no! My mom just had to freak out and your parents, well, they got so weird around us; it was very strange and sort of creepy sometimes.
It was creepy!
I'm not just saying it because of what they said before, and no, I'm not being paranoid about what your parents think about me and neither am I speculating about what they think, it's just they did have they're very peculiar moments when it came to us, or to me in particular.
Like that day when your dad said he wanted to meet me because he wanted to know with whom his son used up all of his time that he no longer had time available for his family.
Of course, that had to do with the fact that you drove like 3000 miles to another town to meet my dad, with out telling your family and spent the night in my dad's place; still with out informing anyone that you were leaving town.
This obviously, made your parents furious with the idea of actually having to track down their son all across town when they noticed that he had been absent for almost two days in a row. Probably thinking you'd suffered from an awful accident or something, your dad searched for you in everyplace he could think of. Until he finally found somebody who knew you and me as well; who actually had the brains to imagine that we'd be together or at least that I was going to know something about you and called me at my phone at early morning, when I hadn't even got up from bed, to ask me for information concerning your whereabouts.
Because, as usual, you didn't answer any of the, what? Like 30 calls your parents made to your phone? And yes! It's still considered early hours if I'm still in bed, no matter if it's already 10 am.
I swear, if you had been my son, I'd kick your ass for making me worry that much.
So, having the background of being the theft of boys and the bad influence on you, how did you think I felt about the idea of meeting your parents? Now, add the fact that I am much younger looking and half (if not less) of the prodigy you are? And as bonus, your parents already knew my family history; so, they already had an idea of where I came from, which of course, wasn't the well positioned type of family they'd approve of.
Who said social profiling? I did!
Still, the day came when I actually met your family and it was much faster than what I had expected; we were putting gas on the car when your dad appeared out of no where and invited us to eat.
Just bam!
I wasn't even prepared for it, I hadn't reviewed possible conversation topics neither had I planned my possible answers for any possible questions, my hair was a mess and I was shockingly under dressed. It wasn't my moment yet, I wasn't ready, and you know how much of a nervous freak I am, so obviously… I was a total wreck.
But you looked forward for me meeting your parents so much. How could I dishearten you?
It was all just some weird astrological coincidence (some damned funny planet that decided to place itself in another position) that your dad had to pass by the day we chose to go put gas all across town from where we worked. I simply can't remember why we even went so far to put gas; it's that entire miserable planet's fault.
Anyways, there was no avoiding the invitation or the meal with out being extremely rude and a complete bitch; besides, you really wanted me to bond with your family, you even placed your puppy eyes so we would go.
So being the easy convincing and weak minded subject I am, we ended up eating with your parents at your home, in a very awkward situation with me red from embarrassment shooting a quick death glare to you every now and then; while you just smiled openly at the moment, feeling contented that your family showed interest in meeting what you called, the one.
The evening passed by with out much awkwardness, except perhaps the weird color of the forks, but honestly it went a lot better than the next few weeks. Your dad spent the meal making remarks about anything I'd say and you're mom continued to stare at me silently but smiling, a sort of glow in her eyes and hint of complicity in the smile; guess she just was happy that you were happy, or maybe she was thinking of how a lovely person I am and how a lucky bastard you were. Hey! Dreaming is always allowed, besides, if I don't boost myself, no one will do it for me.
Now that I think about it, I wonder if they liked me that day.
I mean, underneath all the weird details, I wonder what did your parents thought of me that time; being it the first they actually saw me, I can't imagine what was the first impression they had. Well, considering their future opinions or comments, maybe they thought I was just some fling you had, a talking/walking hobby that would just pass after a while; like those that you get for only a small bit of time, until you find something better to do.
Until you have someone better.
I would be lying if I said I haven't really thought of that as the true raison d'être behind this sudden distance you've placed between us. I'd be fucking lying if I said I haven't imagined you laughing your face off thinking I believed the reasons you gave me. Last time we talked you called me stupid, plain and harshly, for implying that you were seeing somebody else. Was that also a lie; a cover up lie maybe? Geez, I just sound so damn paranoid; no wonder you get all crazed up with me all the time.
Still… why all of a sudden you can't be with me? Why all of a sudden you can't stand having me near? Why won't you talk to me? Oh damn it, I'm doing it again; I've got to stop thinking this.
C'mon, think about something else.
Think about something else.
Think about something else, whatever, just not him… not you.
Fuck.
Couldn't you be easier to handle? Why the fuck you had to go around being so damned special? I know the answer to that one! Finally I know the answer to something; because if you weren't… then, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you, so very fucking hard.
Yeah, I know I'm cursing again. I always start cursing when things get out of hand, although lately I had corrected my language really well; guess I'm not really in the mood to speak properly. You told me once; you were tired of listening to my pirate mouth, saying I spoke like some sailor from old. You also said I'd look a lot more decent and pretty if I controlled my language.
Well, I'm not pretty anyways, so fuck it.
Looking up at the street again trying to focus on something else, I notice that there are no cars right now, none, the street is just empty; I'm the only soul outside. It must be the weather that has everyone inside. If it weren't for the cold and the wind, tonight would be a beautiful night. But also, if I weren't such a controlling and bipolar bitch, I would be a beautiful person; nothing's perfect.
I look around again, checking for cars on the horizon; I'm looking forward to see a small red car from afar.I hoping to see it approach and then just park next to me, with my guarding angel on the wheel, telling me he'd come to pick me up and take me home.
It sounds so clichéd doesn't it? Like taken out of those cheap romantic movies where everybody is happy in the end, and maybe, they'll all sing and dance while the sun sets on the horizon. Crappy and sappy, you know, like those movies that always make me cry.
I'm not saying that I want you here just to give me a ride; it's not the only reason. It's neither because I'm scared of walking home at night, I mean; of course it has absolutely nothing to do with it. Not because it looks like it's about to start raining and I'm carrying an open bag with my whole schoolwork inside, plus no umbrella or anything to cover from the water. And of course it has nothing to do with the fact that it's freezing outside and my sweater just sucks; it's because it'd be really nice to see you tonight, it'd be nice to realize you want to see me too, that you missed me as much as I've missed you.
Sadly tonight, there are only strangers on the road; cars that pass by, unfamiliar faces on the windows, some look at me, some just keep going.
Everybody worried about their own things, nobody really thinking of the walking silhouette on the side of the road. To them, I'm just a ghost on the street, a ghost that has no name or face; I'm nobody to the rest of the world. Well, this ghost has to keep going, the air keeps getting colder and the sky continues to get dark, not much of a happy picture really.
Sigh.
Everyday that passes, every hour; every moment… they all seem the same lately.
They're just moments, nothing special; just ordinary pieces of time, hitting me hard on the face, over and over and over. All my smiles seem gone, and I'm left with the plastic one that I use for photos and stuff alike, that one you said looked as if my face had gotten paralyzed from a sudden temperature swing… yeah I know, a very romantic comment from you. Everything feels so boring and mundane, lacking spirit or energy, I feel like waking up wanting to go to sleep again, for time passes faster when you are sleeping and much more enjoyable I must add.
Love me 'til I drown, I wished once.
There are so many things missing in my life now, your hand in mine as we walk together, the feeling of having your fingers toy with mine under the table. I miss waiting for you to make me breakfast, while I attempt to focus my attention on anything else other than the thin shirt you're wearing and the way the pajamas pants mark your back curves. I love your body, the way your skin feels against mine, the way your back is marked through your shirt, that beard of yours that never grows normally, your rough hands, the smell of your hair; it all makes me sigh and stare. I miss you so much.
I miss waking up wondering what will the future hold for us that day, waiting for you to wake up so I can tell you good morning sunshine; and then, watching you smile at me, as if it was the first time you'd see me in a long time, like if you were coming back home from a long trip.
Just like the smile you gave me that cold winter's night, at that small step we were sitting on, talking stranger to stranger, trying to understand why sad things always happen when you're less prepared for them. It was funny how we found each other, amongst all those people; we just had to be there, at that very moment, where your path crossed mine.
It was Christmas Eve I remember, the first time I saw you as more than someone else on the road of life, the first time I saw that beautiful smile of yours, which used to hide deeply in your shy silent face and rarely came out.
That day, I felt out of place; everybody so joyful and happy, all of them expecting to go home sooner to see their families or friends, and there I was working; not really a part of all the happiness, I was just there, doing what I was supposed to do at the moment. It hadn't been that much of a happy year, thus my lovely holiday spirit.
As the night moved forward everybody was just getting merrier and merrier, waiting for the shift to be over already, talking about what they were going to do; and there I was, completely un-merry and lacking totally of a holiday spirit. I remember just sending everything to hell at one moment of the night and walking out, just walking anywhere out, towards the lockers maybe; not really looking for anything else than fresh air and bit of solitude.
Solitude was all I felt like needing.
Looking around in the empty building, I spotted you out of nowhere; you looked so sad, so stressed out… walking towards you, I asked if you were okay, I didn't know why was I even asking things that were none of my business, but you seemed so alone… how could I leave you like that? How do you walk past someone who's in need?
How do you act as if nothing happened?
I couldn't do that, I couldn't just walk away; besides, I felt like making someone's day better than what mine was.
Now that I remember, I felt so stupid for asking you to talk to me when you barely knew me.
We were only workmates, seeing our faces every once a day or so, just regular folk passing by, the kind of people you know only by name and face. Just like the neighbors, some you never get to know them, yet you know they're around.
But that night was different, you sat down with me on that small step and poured your heart out; you opened up and let me all in. No masks or veils, just you, me and the small step that hid us from the rest of the world.
We started talking about our lives, about the things we'd faced, the bumps on the road we'd received, how things just came crashing down when we weren't ready for it and how did we feel around certain things. I told you things I barely spoke of, feeling I could trust you, I too, led you straight open into myself. You talked about your plans, about the life you wished to have and the person you wished to be, about the things you wished to do; but most importantly, you talked about how you'd wished to have also, someone special in your life, someone who loved you for being you, no matter what.
I felt as if you understood me better than some of my friends, I felt as if I could talk with you about anything or maybe nothing, and yet, you'd still know what I was trying to say. As soon as I heard you talk about life, about things you wanted; I knew you were different, I knew you were someone to share memories… someone to build a life with.
I remember I thought: It'd be wonderful to be that person he's wishing for. I wish he'd fall in love with me, I wish someone loved me like he wants to love someone.
And so you did, in time; you actually chose me to be that person.
That's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
The first touch of actual and real happiness I've ever felt, and it came from you. It was like opening my eyes for the first time, to see those wonderful sights life has to give. It felt like discovering how things feel for the first time; like when you're a kid, and you realize how water feels on your fingers, how the winds blows on your face.
It was sensing and living something completely new. I wasn't in some relationship, I was with you. You were all I ever wanted myself to be and more; and of course, you were all I ever wanted in someone.
This was it; this was what I had been waiting.
I was no longer a stranger walking alone the path of life; now I had another stranger to hold my hand as we walked together, just one step at a time, leaning one on the other for support, making sure that every step was safe given.
Only that we weren't strangers anymore.
You knew me, as I knew you.
tbc.