A Guide to Effective Breathing
Stan doesn't think he took a single breath for at least the first week after Kyle left for Pennsylvania. He was in this constant state of panic. He didn't know how to exist without Kyle. Whenever they'd been separated in the past, all their energy had been focused on fixing whatever ridiculousness had separated them in the first place. Now, though, it isn't ridiculousness. It's just life and they need to wait it out.
He still doesn't know how to exist without Kyle. He just at some point realized that he didn't need to exist without Kyle just because Kyle was away. Stan has this somewhat embarrassing belief that Kyle is his. And when he realized that Kyle could still be his, even from approximately 1,729 miles away (which is over 1 full day's drive in a car), that was when he finally allowed himself to take a breath. Once he took that first breath, he thought it'd maybe be easier to take another. It sometimes is. Other times he has to remind himself ("Hey, retard, you're fucking fine!"). Other times Kenny or Butters or someone else that got stuck in South Park has to more or less resuscitate him.
The point is he made it. Stan made it through that first stretch of Kyle-lessness. He made it through and he's still alive and he only drinks with Kenny on Saturday nights or when they go to visit Bebe or Craig or someone else who went away to school in-state. He only needs to be able to make it through the same thing 7 more times. And he can do it. Stan knows it makes him gay and a total Melvin, but for Kyle he thinks he can do just about anything.
"So, when we get there, you're gonna tell Kyle you love him, right?" Kenny asks, a laugh just under the surface of the words. He's joking, but he's also not. Kenny's known the truth for years. But he believes there's a kind of dignity in figuring these sorts of things out on one's own. So he sits and hides a laugh under his words for Stan's sake.
They're going to pick up Kyle from school to come home for "The Holiday Season". "They" being Stan, Kenny, Butters, and (because, unfortunately, Northwestern's semester finishes early) Cartman. It hadn't taken Stan as much convincing as he'd expected to get the rest of them in the car. Kenny is oddly into any activity that involved Kyle, as long as Stan was the one who'd suggested it, and Butters does whatever Kenny does these days. Cartman hadn't really been invited. But wasn't exactly unwelcome all the same.
The uninvited groans. "Fuck off, Kenny. I didn't come on this road trip to be exposed to faggotry."
From his spot in the backseat, tucked under Kenny's arm, Butters replies, "Then why did you come, Eric?" He grins at Kenny and kisses the underside of his chin.
"For your information, Butters, I came so I could make this gay little reunion less perfect for the Jew. I'm assuming nobody told him I was coming?" Cartman smirks.
Stan hasn't because he figured it'd just be better. Maybe Kyle would be so excited to be going home and seeing Stan and Kenny that he wouldn't mind that Cartman was there. However now that he was looking at it this way, Kyle has never liked surprises very much. "Have you ever thought it was maybe time to start acting like an adult?" Stan asks.
"I have no idea to what you're referring," Cartman says. He reaches for the lever on the side of his seat and reclines so that if there was a person behind him, there wouldn't be room for their legs.
Stan decides against telling Cartman that on the way home he'll be rocking the backseat with Butters and Kenny. His plan is to keep the fat ass as placated as possible for this entire trip. He' always been the best at dealing with Cartman's bullshit, since it is so rarely aimed directly or solely at him. However, this 4 month stretch without him around has lessened Stan's skills slightly.
The dark haired boy rubs at his eyes, turns up the radio, and focuses on the road. They've been on the road for a few hours now and are somewhere in Kansas. Honestly, he just wants to get this drive over with. He just wants to see Kyle.
Cartman starts snoring after about 10 minutes. Kenny is running fingers through Butters's hair while the smaller blonde's eyelids flutter. Stan's given up trying to figure that whole thing out. They're not together. He's been told that enough times now to half-way believe it. But they are something. Definitely best friends, at least. That had happened around junior year. He knows it's more than that now though. Just like he and Kyle are more than that.
Kenny thinks he's such a sneaky little fucker, making it seem like the whole Joey-loves-Dawson-gay-version thing Stan has going on for Kyle is a joke. Stan knows that Kenny isn't actually joking. He knows what Kenny actually thinks. Kenny forgets most of the things he says when he gets really drunk. So every once in a while, Stan takes advantage of that fact and they talk.
Stan does love Kyle. He's pretty sure it's not normal to be unable to breathe when someone's not around if you're "just friends" with that someone. It's something he's accepted and is cool with. Apparently everyone and his mother (literally) already knew it anyway. The telling Kyle part scares the shit out of him.
Missouri. "Do you know how many people die every hour driving on the highway? Not a chance in hell, Stanley," Kenny refuses, despite Stan's pleas. Cartman and Butters are still asleep.
Illinois. "I'll drive if you want, Stan. You look awful tired." Butters leans forward from the backseat and places a hand on Stan's shoulder. Stan considers letting him drive for a moment and then remembers that Butters has been in 3 accidents this year alone and 2 of them involved objects that don't move.
Indiana. Cartman finally wakes up. Stan takes the next exit and parks at a gas station. He unbuckles his seatbelt. "You're driving, fat ass, and I don't want to hear a fucking word about it." Stan's light blue eyes are bloodshot and half-mast by now. He's been driving for 14 hours and awake for even longer. It's the middle of the night and Butters and Kenny are curled into each other in the back seat. Stan's been exhaustedly fantasizing about joining them for hours. Cartman refuses so Stan just reclines his seat back and sleeps for two hours in the Marathon parking lot.
Ohio. West Virginia (for only about 10 miles). Pennsylvania. When they arrive in Philadelphia, Stan has the music blasting. He's still only slept for those two hours and has drunken probably around 5 cups of coffee. He wants to see Kyle, but at this point he might want to sleep more.
Whenever Kyle and Stan text or skype or whatever, Kyle talks about Penn like it's no big deal. It is a big deal though. Stan doesn't think he's ever been somewhere so beautiful and preppy and classy. There aren't place like it anywhere near South Park. That's for fucking sure. Stan feels awkward and oafish and out of place the second he leaves the car to walk toward Kyle's dorm. He's certain Kyle fits right in here though.
Kyle's smart and witty and occasionally conceited. In a place like this, he would never be friends with Stan. Stan only would've ended up attending a school like University of Pennsylvania if it was on an athletic scholarship. Kyle obviously got in because of the things listed before. Stan and Kyle's friendship was a product of South Park, Colorado. In other places, it wouldn't have happened. This scares Stan on a regular basis.
Kenny shakes his blonde hair out of his eyes and takes a few brisk steps, pulling Butters along with him, to catch up with Stan. He slings a long arm around Stan's shoulders as well as Butters's, while Cartman trails behind and bitches. The smile on Kenny's still slightly summer tanned face is nearly overwhelming and, for the first time, Stan considers how Kenny probably misses Kyle a lot too.
"Bitches, I'm pumped," Kenny laughs. "I pretend that I don't miss the princess. Mostly for you, Stan. But I really do." Kenny started calling Kyle "the princess" sometime around 7th grade. Kyle always pretends to hate it, but Stan can tell he secretly likes that Kenny has a private nickname for him.
They enter the dorm which is even more beautiful than the buildings they walked past to get there. Kyle lives on the 3rd floor. "I know, man, I miss him too," Stan states. His fingers are practically itching and he just wants to see Kyle so bad. He's not even tired anymore.
Stan races up the stairs and down the hall and then he's standing in front of Kyle's door. He's barely even knocked before Kyle flings the door open.
Seeing him again—after four long, lonely months of not —makes something click for Stan. He loves the way Kyle's legs look, skinny as shit, in his rolled up sweatpants. He's probably been packing all day, and Stan knows that makes him sweat. He loves the way Kyle's hair looks, pulled back from his forehead by a green bandana. He'd started doing that sometime in high school, when his hat randomly "disappeared" (Mrs. Broflovski had thrown it in the fireplace purposefully, which Stan found out in his quest to make Kyle happy again. He never told Kyle). He loves the way Kyle's eyes light up as he sees him. He loves the way a small laugh leaves the redhead's lips before he wraps his best friend in a hug.
Stan loves the way it feels to say "I love you" for the very first time. Even if it nearly sounds like a question. Even if Kenny laughs. Even if Cartman makes vomiting noises in the background. Because Kyle laughs again, this half-laugh, half-sob thing, and nods his head against Stan's neck and says "Me too."
They pull away and Stan swears there might be tears in Kyle's eyes. He doesn't say anything though, just smiles his sheepish grin and asks what stuff is ready to go out to the car. Kyle brushes the could-be-tears away with his hand and he's back into packing mode. Loaded down with shit, Stan wonders how Kyle could possibly need so much for only about a month at home, but again he doesn't say anything.
The campus looks less completely pretentious with Kyle at his side pointing things out and explaining things to Stan. Kyle's job has always been to explain things to Stan. As long as he's willing, Stan will always let him. Because if Kyle wants to share these things, these worlds with Stan, then that means that Kyle cares. It means he knows that they are two different people, but they can still fit. That Kyle can be classy and go to an ivy league school while Stan works at an auto body shop and goes to JuCo.
With all the shit packed in the car, Kyle slides into the passenger seat. Cartman is exiled to the back with Kenny and Butters, complaining yet again about all the "gay energy in such a confined space". Kyle laughs and sort-of-sincerely asks him how Northwestern is. But, Stan can still hear the smugness that has laced Kyle's voice since he got into Penn and Cartman didn't get into Yale.
Stan realizes, as they pull away from the city of Philadelphia, a city that he will always feel holds a piece of his heart, that he had only been barely breathing for those months that Kyle was away from him. He had been breathing, but it didn't really seem to work right. He was alive, but the breaths he was taking weren't deep. They weren't satisfying. They got caught in his lungs and made his heart ache. Now, as he relaxes into the seat and takes Kyle's hand in his, the breaths fills his lungs just as easily as they empty them.
Kyle runs his thumb along Stan's knuckles and looks at him with raised eyebrows, "You OK, dude?"
Stan smiles, nods, "Yeah, of course. I'm just breathing."
Kyle's eyebrows raise the slightest bit higher and Kenny chuckles lightly from the back, but nobody says anything. They have 24 hours and 8 states ahead of them. For now, they can breathe.
A/N: Hey, friends! This was written for the 2012 South Park Secret Santa and I hope you enjoyed reading it :) You're the best!