A/N: Not to poke fun at religion or anything...but this story idea wouldn't go away. Who's to say that the adventures of our lovable Donut ended at his apparent death? Reviews are much appreciated!
I don't own Red vs. Blue, Forever 21, or Better Homes and Gardens magazine...
Before Donut's mind could process what had happened, he was completely surrounded in white. It was a shock to his eyes, so he squeezed them shut while trying to remember how the hell he had gotten here.
He remembered being at Washington's gunpoint and a loud noise. Donut had come to slightly appreciate the freelancer in the short time he had known the man. However, he had allied himself with the creepy guy carrying the weird gun and come back to hurt Donut's friends. Donut was still uncertain whether or not to trust Agent Washington, and he had a sneaking suspicion that Wash had something to do with his ending up in the white place.
"Franklin Donut," the 'lightly-red' clad solider turned to face the direction from which the voice came from.
"Hello?" Donut could see no one. The white expanse was unbroken. It was starting to creep him out. "Who's there?"
"Are you Franklin Donut?" The voice seemed to come from behind Donut this time. He turned to face that direction.
"I was told not to tell my name to strangers." Donut tried to reply confidently.
"And who told you that, your mother?" The voice seemed mocking.
"And what if it was!" Donut felt his face reddening under the helmet. He didn't like this voice.
"Just tell me if you are Franklin Donut."
"Fine. Yes, I'm Franklin Donut."
"Good. I am here to welcome you to heaven's embrace-"
"Heaven? Seriously? This is heaven?"
"Yes. Welcome. You are truly a blessed soul to be here."
Donut raised his eyebrows, "So I'm dead?"
"Well, you're body is dying. You are here in preparation for your departure from Earth."
"Technically, my body isn't on Earth...we're on an alien planet where we've been stationed at for a while."
"Yes, yes." The voice said impatiently, "It is all the same. What matters is that you are here, and that you will spend the rest of eternity here."
"Yeah...I don't think I want to do that."
"What?" The disembodied voice seemed genuinely shocked.
"Well, just look at the place! It's completely white-hurts the eyes a lot. Darn, I wish this suit had better protection from light! That is the one thing bad about my lightish-red armor."
"It is pink."
"No it's not!" Donut replied indignantly. Why did everyone think his armor was pink?
"Not all of heaven is like this. You are not completely gone from the Ear-wherever you are. Heaven is a beautiful place that you will love. Consider this the initiation stage."
"Well, I'm not one to judge a book by its cover, Mr. Voice, but I want to see this place."
"I can show you a flash." The whiteness in front of Donut opened up to reveal rolling green hills with rivers and waterfalls dotting the landscape. Off in the distance, Donut could see a glittering city. To anyone it would look like paradise.
"And here is my palace." The voice startled Donut out of his reverie. The vision opened up to reveal a massive entrance hall of a building. Columns and large stones made up the walls. While all of the furniture was white, plants stood bright green in contrast to the surrounding whiteness.
"This is my palace; you know me as God."
"I thought God had a body." Donut muttered in the following silence.
As the vision surrounding Donut faded, a figure appeared in front of him. He was clothed in white (go figure) with long hair and a beard. He figure adopted a puzzled expression when Donut started shaking his helmeted head.
"You are shaking your head, young one, why is this so?"
"Well, let's start with your clothes. They are so two thousand years ago. I mean, do you even try to keep up with the trends? Your robes are nowhere to be found on the fashion list of today."
God was dumbfounded, "Uh-"
"And all your clothes can't be white. Haven't you heard of color matching? Wearing all of the same color says to the world that you have a one-layered personality. You don't want people to think that, do you?"
"Um, no...I guess."
"You need an edge, something that says 'I'm God, and I'm here to rock your world.' Clothes provide someone's first impression, am I right?" Donut explained enthusiastically.
"Mr. Donu-"
"Don't worry, I am always ready to help out a fashion disaster in need." God's eyebrows shot up at the words. Donut reached around to a nearly invisible compartment in the back of his armor. Out of it he pulled a small, rectangular card. "Forever 21 has great styles. I shop there so much, they give me a gift card every time I go there! You can have it; you need it much more than I do." Donut took held the card out to the figure in front of him with a smile that radiated through his helmet.
God accepted the gift with a look of utter confusion on his face, "Thank you, but I don't think I'll be needing this."
"It's OK, every guy is afraid to go into the store for the first time. Don't worry; they'll love you!"
Donut didn't think that he had ever seen someone as confused as the man in front of him.
"You also might want to invest in a new hairstyle. Now days, men aren't usually considered attractive unless they are clean-shaven with short hair. It depends on who you are trying to impress, though. Those are the qualities that I look for in a man." Donut voice reflected his intense happiness at talking about fashion. God still was taken aback about the whole situation.
"OK..." God muttered, turning so that he was only halfway facing the armored man. Mr. Franklin Donut was beginning to frighten him.
"Another pointer is to maintain the image of style in the house, as well as on yourself. Your palace has potential, but like I said earlier, it can't be completely white."
"Th-there are green plants!" God sputtered out, attempting to gain some sense of control over the situation. He mentally wondered why he was even bothering to argue with this idiot.
Donut pointed at him thoughtfully, "A good start, but every room has to have a theme. The furniture and the walls have to tell a story to the occupant. You also need to utilize the natural light throughout your house. I've learned all I know about homemaking from Better Homes and Gardens magazine! It is a great source of all sorts of information! Do you have a subscription?"
"I can't exactly get subscriptions up here." God muttered.
Donut sighed in exasperation, "Well, you need to look into it. They have great pointers for living your day-to-day life. You will never decorate a room the same way again after reading Better Homes and Gardens!"
"That's...great, Franklin."
God watched as Donut's form seemed to flicker and get the impression that it was being pulled from the white space.
"What's happening, Mr. God?" Donut asked frantically.
"I think you reviving yourself, Franklin! You are not yet ready to welcome the embrace of heaven."
"Will I remember any of this when I am back in my own body?" Donut's voice was starting to fade.
"No, you will not."
"Remember what I told you! Follow these tips to become more popular with your fellow neighbors! You won't regret it! Don't forget about your nails, also! Everyone respects a person with perfectly manicured fingers. Style is the key!" With that, he completely disappeared from the 'initiation stage' of heaven.
God was left alone in the white expanse. He looked down at the Forever 21 gift card in his hand, his head full of home decorating ideas. He made a mental note to look into this Better Homes and Gardens magazine.
Well, if everyone is doing it nowadays, I suppose I should keep up the trend. And with that, God walked into the whiteness and made for the nearest heavenly nail salon.
A/N: I read somewhere on RvB Wiki that Donut didn't actually die in Season 7, thus providing the ending of this fic. Hope you enjoyed!