Title: Jin vs. the Joint
Author: Sapphire17
Pairings: Jin x Hwoarang, Bryan x Lei, Kazuya x Lee, Paul x Marshall
Warnings: Drug & alcohol use, violence, language, insanity, bashing on pretty much every character, especially Jin...
Summery: Jin Kazama's peer-pressed into drinking alcohol and into smoking a marijuana joint, and boy does it have some serious consequences... Before Jin knows it, he's in a vehicle with someone who's DUI, on reality T.V. with Kazuya, and in the hospital. Has Jin learned his lesson?
Status: Complete, thankfully...
A/N: ...This is without a doubt THE most offensive crack I have EVER written in ANY fandom... But, I wanted to write something ridiculous for this previous New Year's that I would actually have the time to finish. For the past three New Year's, I spent the New Year's Eve, surprise surpise, under the influence. But, considering all of the crap I've seen over the years, I decided to write something featuring drugs and alcohol on New Year's that made it seem like more of a bad idea than a good one.
I have read a lot of fics out there, including for Tekken, that feature one or more characters having a substance abuse problem. Stereotypically in the fics out there, Hwoarang's often the 'pothead', Lee the 'smokaholic cokehead,' while Marshall, Lei, Paul, Craig, King, and Armor King are commonly the 'alcoholics'. I have also seen a surprising amount of fics where Jin's the 'schmackhead' aka 'heroin addict', or where Bryan Fury's death-by-drug-dealing lands him dealing drugs once again in fics, or doing them himself. So, I pretty much took the stereotypes, and turned them into something, well... inappropriate, more than likely, since I myself have always scolded crackfics that made fun of the characters for doing drugs/drinking; such as in a crackfic where pothead Hwoarang blew up a spacecraft while he was high on marijuana, or in a fic I read where Lei made a fool of himself at some sort of party Kazuya was having because he couldn't stop drinking liquor. Or, the numerous amount of crackfics that trash Lee for smoking, such as a crackfic I read where Lee was trying to smoke ten cigarettes all at once while the other fighters kept cussing at him for the fact that they couldn't breathe.
Ultimately, I admit I really do enjoy angsty fics that deal with substance abuse, just not crackfics written by bashers are doing so just to mock the characters they dislike. I see it as not only bashing the characters, but far more inappropriately, the real-life people who have or have had substance abuse problems themselves or a family member who has/has had one. Such as, I am a smoker and I am gay, so when I read a Lee-bashing crackfic that bashes Lee for 'being gay' and for 'smoking', I feel slightly insulted as well. ;; Obviously, the thing to do is to NOT read the fic, only, a lot of bashing fics do not give warnings of which character/s they are bashing in the fic, much less the fact that they are bashing a character for being a 'drunk' or a 'pothead' in their eyes.
With all of that said, I have taken the opportunity to once again strike-back on how insanely nuts some of the stuff people have done to bash the characters is, by attempting to make it as TERRIBLE as POSSIBLE... Thus, this fic is probably very, VERY offensive to anyone who is even REMOTELY a fan of ANY character featured in this horrid crack PERIOD. I have also realized that Jin Kazama is probably portrayed much worse and more OOC in crackfics after writing this than I earlier had thought... He is probably the character portrayed the worst in this, followed by Lei, and then either Kazuya, Lee, or Steve. Weren't it for the fact that most of this fic is nothing more than a terrible NIGHTMARE of Jin's, I would NOT have been able to write ANY of this.
Jin vs. the Joint
Chapter 1, New Year's with Hwoarang and Steve
A loud scream was heard.
Jin Kazama had nearly flown right out of his bed.
"What the hell?" none other than Hwoarang questioned, annoyed at the fact that yet another one of Jin's nightmares had awakened him. He rubbed his eyes, and sat up, eyeing Jin through the darkness.
"I..." Jin murmured, feeling sick and hungover, "I just had THE worst nightmare of my entire life..."
Hwoarang exhaled a small sigh. "You say that every time you have a nightmare."
"But this one was worse, even worse than the ones about the way my mother died," Jin stated, his eyes still widened. Eventually, he turned his head in order to face his lover. "...Hwoarang, you are never, and I mean NEVER smoking marijuana again, nor drinking!" he snapped out. "In fact, I am going to get out of this bed and dispose of every ounce of alcohol in this compound right now, and if I EVER catch you smoking marijuana or drinking again OR doing ANY other disgusting drugs, I will KICK YOUR ASS!"
Hwoarang blinked. "Uh... why...?"
And when Hwoarang said this, Jin had a flashback of the events from the night before, as well as a flashback of the horrible nightmare he had experienced...
12 hours earlier...
"I was gonna clean my room, but then I got high... I was gonna get up and find the broom, but then I got high. My room is still messed-up, and I know why... because I got high, because I got high, because I got high..."
"I was gonna go to class, but then I got high... I could've cheated and I could've passed, but then I got high... I'm takin' it next semester, and I know why... Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high..."
"I was gonna go to work, but then I got high... I just got a new promotion, but then I got high... Now I'm sellin' dope, and I know why..."
"Why, man?"
"Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high..."
Hwoarang, Steve Fox, and Jin Kazama all began laughing.
"Guys, what in the hell is up with music these days?" Jin inquired following another insane fit of laughter, "It's like they encourage us to get, what is it again? Oh yeah, 'stoned'."
"Where the hell have you been living, under a rock?" Hwoarang asked.
"In the forest. And in my own head. Yeah."
"Dude," began Hwoarang, who was comfortably seated between Jin and Steve on a navy blue couch, "Do you have any idea how many fuckin' songs are about drugs and drinking?"
Jin shrugged as Hwoarang passed him the joint they were sharing to him. Jin inhaled another large drag, before reflexively coughing. Then, he laughed again. "Uh, I don't know. Never heard anything about drugs on the 'Pure Moods' cds."
Hwoarang exploded with laughter. "Yeah, that's because the people who wrote that crap were the ones who were high."
"I still can't believe you actually talked Jin into trying marijuana," Steve spoke up as the joint was once again passed to him, "I mean, crikey, he doesn't strike me as someone who'd be 'down'."
"I hate it when you try to be cool, Fox," Hwoarang stated, shaking his head, "You're more white and nerdy than the song by Weird Al."
"Well you talked me into smoking this freaking, I mean, fucking joint with you lads, er, I mean 'dudes'," Steve retorted.
"That was gay," Hwoarang insisted, "You know what that means. You have to take another shot."
"Damn, you're right," Steve replied, chuckling with anticipation as he poured himself another shot of imported vodka. Then, he quickly downed it in one gulp, before chasing it with beer.
"I wanna make-out with you," Jin bluntly stated while looking at the Korean next to him, just trying to act 'gay' so he could take another shot.
"Nah, that wasn't gay," Hwoarang replied, taking another puff from the joint he held, "That was just the kind of thing people say to each other when they're loaded."
Jin thought momentarily. "Umm... uh... well..."
"Bloody hell. Just try to act all kewl, love. I mean, 'brotha'," Steve slurred, "Now pass me that fag so I can take another hit at it."
"Gay again, Fox," Hwoarang pointed-out, gesturing to the bottle of liquor.
"I know..." Steve remarked, chuckling still more as he poured himself another shot.
"Damnit, how do you manage to say such gay things, Steve?" Jin questioned with jealously before cursing under his breath. "But... but who were you calling a 'fag'...?"
"In Britain, a fag is a cigarette," Steve informed before downing another shot of liquor. "That's why in the country I am from, you can insult gay people and pretend you're talking about insulting fags. I mean, err, ciggies!"
Hwoarang laughed. "Something about that was really gay, Fox. You're going to have to take another shot for that."
"Okay!"
Jin scowled, trying to think of something gay to say. Then, he thought of something. "Lee Chaolan!"
Hwoarang blinked. "Shot granted, as that was gay."
Steve applauded Jin as he handed him the bottle of vodka, before Jin poured himself a shot to the point that the small, crystal glass ran over. Then, Jin once again looked back to Hwoarang.
"Lei Wulong!"
"Take another shot," Hwoarang ordered.
And so, Jin had another.
"You!" Steve exclaimed, looking at Hwoarang.
Hwoarang sighed, handing the bottle of liquor to the British boxer.
"Go Foxxy, it's your birthday, not for real real, just for play play!" Steve happily sang.
"You," Hwoarang then stated, looking at Steve. "That was really gay."
"Damnit," Steve muttered after taking his shot, handing the bottle back to Hwoarang.
After Hwoarang had taken his shot, he looked back at Steve, then to Jin, before facing forwards. "Fuck, every guy in the tournaments are gay or at least bi, and with each other."
"Such as..." Steve urged. "Besides you and Jin, I mean."
"Like... Kazuya and Lee," Hwoarang insisted.
"Eww, but that's creepy!" Jin declared, appearing shocked. "Like almost incest!"
"That was gay, Kazama," Hwoarang replied, passing the bottle to Jin who passed the joint he was smoking back to Hwoarang.
"And..." Steve urged on with amusement.
"Bryan and Wulong," Hwoarang suggested. "Like, cops fucking criminals. Or, in their case, criminal fucking the cop. Wulong couldn't fuck his way outta a paper bag."
Steve laughed out loud. "Blimie, Lei really couldn't fuck his way outta a paper bag."
"Ugh!" Jin grimaced, happy he had just taken another shot, "That's disgusting! Lei wouldn't degrade himself like that!"
"Uh, yeah, but Bryan Fury would degrade Wulong," Hwoarang said while passing the roach aka 'nearly finished joint' to Steve.
"Anyone else?" Steve asked, inhaling another intake of dro.
"Yeah, of course," Hwoarang answered while in the process of rolling another joint, "Like... Paul and Marshall, for example. They're so close that they should just get married. Or Paul and Marshall's son, Forest. Then, we have other possibilities such as Craig and King, Armor King and King, me and Baek, me and you, Kazama and you, me and Lee, me and Wulong, you and Wulong, everyone with Wulong, everyone with Lee, everyone with everyone, even Kazama and Kazuya."
"...That was the most disturbing thing I have ever heard!" Jin declared, slamming the bottle of alcohol he was holding down to the coffee table before him. "Especially the part about me fucking my own father, and the part about Lei being a whore!"
"You don't care if Lee's a whore?" Hwoarang inquired with slight suspicion.
"No, because I don't give a damn about Lee!" Jin slurred, "Lei was the one who comforted me at my mother's funeral, not that skanky bitch!"
"That was gay," Hwoarang stated, "Like, really gay. I just had an image of you and Wulong running through a flower field, dude. And an image of Lee as a prostitute."
"...Yeah," Jin responded, pouring himself yet another shot of alcohol.
"I wonder if anyone else in the tournament has ever done drugs..." Steve muttered, his British accent appearing stronger than it normally was.
"Are you kiddin' me?" Hwoarang inquired while laughing, lighting another joint, "Lee Chaolan is a total cokehead who smokes constantly while drinking fancy wine, Lei Wulong's a lush who's probably popping Watsons by the dozen, Bryan Fury's probably loaded with all kinds of drugs that he deals regularly, Kazuya's such a pimp that he's probably pimpin' them after bitch-slapping Lee for being a cokehead, Paul's a drunk who probably lives in bars, Law, err, Marshall Law was a drunk, King's a drunk, and Master Baek was a drug-addict though if either of you say anything bad about my mentor I will kick your fucking asses!" Hwoarang announced in an aggressive manner.
Silence.
"...What's a 'Watson'?" Steve eventually asked.
"That was gay," Hwoarang initially remarked, passing the liquor bottle back to Steve. "But, yeah, 'Watsons' mean 'Vicodin'."
"Oh..." Steve muttered, shrugging-off the fact that he didn't know what Vicodin was. "I was thinking you meant Lei liked jerking-off a guy named Watson, like, from Sherlock Holmes. Lei is a detective, so like, maybe he would like Sherlock Holmes!"
"...Alright, that's going to cost you two shots," Hwoarang demanded with a hand gesture, "That was—"
"Gay, I know," Steve said in response, preparing to take the two hard shots. Steve succeeded in taking the first one, but just before the second one, he kind of... passed-out...
"Is he sleeping?" Jin inquired with a sense of perplexity.
"Nah, he's wasted," Hwoarang replied, taking another inhale of smoke from the joint he held in his right-hand.
"Wasted?" Jin inquired, seemingly confused, "You mean he's a piece of trash?"
"Well, that too, but nah, he's just passed-out from having had one shot too many," Hwoarang said with a chortle, handing the lit joint to Jin, "Poor 'bloke'. Honestly, Steve just has no balls sometimes. Maybe he should get neutered."
Jin contemplated. "That was gay."
"...You're right... I said 'neutered'..." Hwoarang eventually replied, grasping onto the near-empty bottle of liquor so he could pour himself another shot.
"Ugh, I feel like I'm going to vomit..." Jin muttered while Hwoarang took another shot of vodka, "What do I do?"
"You take another shot, of course, because that was gay," Hwoarang deduced as Jin passed him the joint.
"I suppose..." answered Jin, who prepared to take another shot. Truth be told, however, Jin was so drunk and so high that he didn't even know what the hell was going on anymore. "You know, I feel kind of guilty for drinking and for smoking a joint, Hwoarang..."
Record scratch.
"Never mind," Jin admitted, "I really don't give a flying fuck at the moment. Now, can we make-out now, bitch?" he slurred.
"Alright," Hwoarang replied, leaning forwards. Arms wrapped around each other as Jin and Hwoarang kissed rather sloppily. They were sure to have drunken/stoned sex later on in the night... If not now...
"I want to fuck you right here, right now," Jin whispered against Hwoarang's lips.
"But what about Fox?" Hwoarang inquired, gesturing to Steve's motionless form.
Jin blinked, and looked at Steve's body. It was kind of a nice body. "We could both rape him right now?"
Then, Hwoarang blinked once again. "Jin, you are trashed. We can drunkenly fuck, but let's go upstairs."
"What the drunkenly fuck ever," Jin drunkenly replied, standing up from the couch. Then he started moving like Gumby.
"Easy there," Hwoarang stated, the joint still in his mouth as he caught Jin before the Japanese could hit the floor, "I don't want you to pass out on me before we have the chance to fuck each other."
"I can't forget this," Jin declared, leaning forwards so that he could grab a hold of the unopened bottle of tequila, "Hey, do mustards have shells? I just thought so after the apple man shoed the jellyfish."
"Uh oh, you don't have long. We must hurry..." replied Hwoarang, who promptly began dragging Jin towards the staircase.
Jin smiled happily. "I'm going to murder you!"
Hwoarang sighed, figuring Jin was simply drunk off his ass. "Why?"
"Because I am going to bring-on the apocalypse!"
"Dude, you are going to be so hungover in the morning."