Your name is John Egbert and you just received an incredibly sexually explicit e-mail from one of your best friends.
John: freak out
The e-mail sat before you, flashing and glowing like some foreign alien that crash-landed right onto earth just to grope your brain inappropriately with words. You couldn't believe that Karkat Vantas had actually e-mailed you, much less something so totally homosexual and ew, because you were supposed to be friends! When Karkat had first transferred here nobody went near him because he liked to yell at people but you had fearlessly approached him and wiggled your way into a position of "friendship" - something you were adamant you had.
You had given Karkat your e-mail and Pesterchum account and you two talked online, but this was the first time Karkat e-mailed you. Until you actually opened the message you had been eager to see what was inside. Now you regretted even opening it because there it was, a glowing foreign creature full of words that made you squirm awkwardly in your seat.
You had been staring at it for five minutes now and, thoroughly freaked out, you hastily logged on to Pesterchum to consult Dave.
- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -
EB: dave dave dave dave
TG: what
EB: dave i feel really uncomfortable right now!
EB: more uncomfortable than that time we walked in on your brother watching puppet videos!
TG: man
TG: thats pretty uncomfortable
TG: so whats got your panties all up in a bunch?
EB: karkat just sent me a really weird e-mail and i'm not sure what to do! i mean it's not something two platonic buddies send each other and i feel really weird and should i reply or not? i mean i don't want to hurt his feelings!
TG: whoa egderp calm down. unwind those bunched panties and explain.
EB: i mean, dave, he says some really weird things!
EB: copy and paste!
EB: "I WANT TO GRAB YOUR SMOOSHY PINK FACE AND KISS YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR CHEEKS SO HARD BITE MARKS ARE LEFT BEHIND. I WANT TO SERENADE YOU AND SING YOU SAPPY LOVE SONGS SO THAT THE EXTENT OF MY FEELINGS CAN BE DISPLAYED. I WANT TO HURT YOU AND COMFORT YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I WANT TO MAKE YOU SO DEPENDENT ON ME THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING UNLESS I'M BY YOUR SIDE. I WANT TO FLIP YOU OVER AND"
EB: dave i can't finish this oh my god
EB: dave i am freaking out karkat wants to do homosexual things to me what should i do?
TG: hold up a second
TG: i think i know whats going on
EB: what?
- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -
EB: dave? dave wait!
EB: don't leave me alone with this thing!
- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -
TG: sup vriska
AG: Well well well if it isn't coolkid Dave Strider
AG: And to what do I owe this pleasure?
TG: i know karkat has homo feelings for my lil egderp but hed never send an email explaining them
TG: egbert is too slow for his own good and youve successfully freaked him the fuck out
TG: and dont even try to convince me karkat sent that shittastic email cause im positive it was you who sent that porn in a computer
TG: fess up spiderbitch
AG: What ever are you talking a8out?
AG: I am extremely offended that you would even think such a thing, Strider!
TG: listen im not planning on flipping my shit i just need you to tell me why the fuck youd send nohomo Egbert such a sappy and fuckin sick message
TG: i mean is that how you really feel for our little derp?
TG: you just want to hide behind karkat so you can express your creepy obsession
TG: how fucking adorable
AG: Screw you Strider!
AG: I was just helping a friend out!
AG: Karkat is way too shy to admit he likes your "little derp" so I helped him out.
AG: I thought it was 8eautiful poetry!
TG: hes probably having a heart attack
TG: and doing that nope thing he does when hes flipping his shit
TG: thanks spiderbitch now i have to calm him the fuck down
AG: Just don't tell him I wrote that.
AG: Karkat gets all the credit. ::::)
- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -
- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -
EB: oh thank god
EB: dave i thought you left me!
TG: no man just checking something out
TG: have you replied to the mail yet?
EB: of course not!
EB: i've just been staring at it for the past five minutes wondering when a flying pig is going to crash through my window!
EB: i mean karkat uses some really vulgar language and some creative wording. it would be kind of romantic if i wasn't freaking out!
TG: wow dude gay
EB: what? no!
EB: dave i am not a homosexual!
EB: can't a heterosexual guy admire some creative poetry?
TG: nope
EB: daaaaave!
TG: listen dude chill out
TG: i swear if you keep flipping out youre going to burst a blood vessel and bleed all over the fucking keyboard
EB: ew dave that's gross!
TG: whats gross is that it wasnt even karkat who wrote that message
EB: how is that gross? wait, he didn't!
TG: nope spiderbitch did
EB: spiderbitch?
TG: you know. that shitfaces friend
EB: who?
TG: the one who wears blue lipstick like shes some shitty second lady gaga
TG: and she never combs her hair
EB: uh…
TG: Vriska dumbass
EB: oh!
EB: she sits next to me in biology!
EB: she wrote that?
TG: apparently she was helping karkat out
TG: to express his gay for you
TG: fuckin about to pee out rainbows containing all the gay he has for you
EB: ugh dave!
EB: so he didn't write that! what a relief! that could have ended awkwardly!
TG: you are such a moron sometimes i wonder how you even passed the fourth grade
TG: dude he is so gay for you
TG: so gay his tears are made of sperm
EB: dave that's so gross!
TG: do you get my point Egbert?
EB: uh…yes?
TG: really
EB: ….no
TG: he wants to stick his discostick in your butt Egbert
TG: or he wants your discostick in his butt i dunno what the hell that gaywad prefers
TG: point is he wants your body egbert he wants you so bad he was desperate enough to go to spiderbitch of all people for advice
TG: think about that
- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -
EB: not again!
EB: daaaaave come back!
EB: i don't understand!
John: be a confused derp
Okay, so you admitted you weren't the sharpest tool in the shed, but what you lacked in grades you made up for in pranking gambit! Sure, you were doing pretty poorly in math and English but Rose and Jade have been helping you with that. Besides, you were only in your second year of high school and it wasn't like you were planning to be a scientist or an accountant so you didn't see the point in becoming a math whiz. And after all that is said and done you are and always will be the pranking master. That made up for the lack of A's you bring home. Besides, your dad always gives you his "I'm proud of how hard you try son!" speeches that don't motivate you as much as they're supposed to.
So, yes, you weren't a genius like Rose or a hard worker like Jade, but you knew the cryptic words from Dave had to be some sort of code. You just refused to believe that it was possible Karkat, who always yelled at you and called you an idiot and used the word "fuck" way too often, would actually send you a sappy and incredibly explicit e-mail message expressing his desire to dominate you and do naughty things. Augh, did you just use the word "naughty"? The traumatizing message was already affecting you.
You just couldn't grasp why Karkat would feel this way but you had to admit it also didn't make much sense for Vrsika to type all that using Karkat's e-mail. Unless she had hacking skills or had his password, wouldn't Karkat have to be present for her to send a message on his account? Even you, labeled as the slowest high schooler in existence of high schoolers, was grounded enough to acknowledge common sense. But what is Vriska did have access and sent it as a prank? Oh, jeez, if she did that you wouldn't even be able to get angry! That's the best prank ever!
But you wanted to be sure. What if you sent a reply and rejected Karkat and it turned out he didn't know the message even existed? What if he broke off your friendship or got mad or got grossed out or - ?
This was worse than freaking out over the actual e-mail.
Karkat wasn't online, to your disappointment, and Dave wasn't answering your messages so you closed your computer and flopped onto your bed in an extremely eloquent manner. Pressing your face against your pillow to a point of being unable to breathe, you all but begin to whine into the fabric as if it might make all your troubles go away.
But…nope. Still there. Still squirming beneath your skin, flittering around your head, poking your very essence and biting your heels (in a manner of speaking) and pretty much driving you insane. So, with a frustrated "auuuugh!" you jump off the bed, throwing your Nic Cage pillow in the process, and returned to your computer hoping it would provide some kind of comfort. Maybe someone more objective would be on - like Jade or Rose!
To your relief Jade was indeed online and you instantly began to pester her in hopes she may help convince you that Karkat did not have a homocrush on you and Dave was just messing with you and Vriska just rivaled your pranking skills. Here we go.
- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -
EB: jade!
GG: john!
GG: hehehe :)
EB: jade did you talk to dave?
GG: yeah! he was laying down some rhymes for me!
GG: it was pretty fun!
EB: oh so he didn't say anything
EB: that's actually a good thing i guess
GG: what?
EB: jade i need you to be honest with me ok?
GG: of course! what's wrong?
EB: is Karkat
EB: uh
GG: john? is Karkat what?
GG: hey are you ok!
EB: sorry this is just a lot harder to ask than i thought it would be
EB: ok so
EB: jade
GG: hehe yes john? :)
EB: dave seems to think karkat likes me
EB: you know. not platonically.
GG: oh.
EB: yeah. and he refuses to listen to me when i tell him that's not true, we're just friends, and neither of us hold homosexual feelings.
EB: but then he went all mysterious on me and went 'think about it' and now he won't answer my messages!
EB: i'm just very confused right now. and a bit angry!
GG: oh…
GG: well john, you want me to be honest with you right?
EB: yeah
GG: then i will.
GG: dave is right!
GG: i mean everyone can tell karkat has a humongous crush on you!
GG: he likes to yell at people but you're the only person he actually looks for and hangs out with outside of class.
GG: not to mention stares at you ALL THE TIME and gets all angry if someone points it out.
GG: "why the hell would i be looking at that ugly dumbass?" and then he'd be all blushing and embarrassed! it's so cute!
GG: i'm surprised you didn't notice! he's way obvious about it! even his friends have consulted Dave, Rose and me about it.
GG: john? are you ok?
GG: oh man i'm sorry did i say too much?
GG: john?
EB: uh wow
EB: okay so everyone but me knew this?
GG: pretty much
GG: sorry! :(
EB: why didn't anyone tell me?
EB: i mean this is a big thing!
EB: if someone knows a bro likes another bro they should tell that bro!
EB: uh you know what i mean
GG: john i really am sorry! :(
GG: i didn't think you would get so upset about it!
GG: why don't you talk to Karkat?
EB: i would but he's not online
GG: i'm sure a face-to-face confrontation might work out better! and if you need advice Dave, Rose and me are here for you!
EB: but talking over Pesterchum is easier!
EB: it's less awkward
GG: john let's face it this conversation is going to be awkward either way
GG: XD
EB: i guess you're right
EB: i'll talk to him on Monday i guess
EB: augh i can already feel the awkward beginning to build
GG: john!
EB: what?
GG: don't wait until Monday! come on! :( this is serious! the sooner the better!
EB: but jaaaade
EB: why does it have to be now? can't i take the weekend to prepare?
GG: john!
EB: okay okay
EB: i'll invite him to hang out and talk then
EB: ugh girls
GG: hehehee :)
GG: you're welcome.
GG: now go get 'em tigerrrr! ;)
EB: you say it like i'm about to confess my undying love or something
GG: who knows? maybe that is the case
GG: sometimes with you things have to be thrown in your face or you'll never notice
GG: definitely when it comes to your own feelings!
EB: what
EB: jade are you suggesting i have homosexual feelings for karkat?
EB: jade no
EB: that is so wrong its not even funny
GG: i'm not trying to be funny! it's just an observation
GG: good luck john!
GG: remember, i'll be online if you need me
GG: so will Rose and Dave! so don't hold back.
GG: byyyyyye!
EB: yeah bye
- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -
GG: oh and if you finally admit your feelings and come out of the closet, make sure to give me the details!
GG: you know i like my dramas
GG: definitely when it involves two men in a torrid love affair
GG: hehehehe
GG: :)
John: be a brave hero
You knew this was a life and death predicament; choose life and call up Karkat to invite him over have a potentially awkward conversation by accusing him to admit he has the hots for you, or choose death and ignore it and let it affect your friendship. Well, you weren't sure if that was right - maybe it was the other way around and life was choosing to ignore it and go on as normal. Death would be calling Karkat over to talk about your feelings and probably offend him or disgust him by even suggesting he has feelings for you. Then you'd end up in a horrible ex-best friends situation and you didn't want that because you really liked Karkat! And okay, so maybe he did like to snap about how he hated you, but that never bothered you. You guys still hung out all the time together and Karkat let you see glimpses of his humanity, that he did care for you, and that was enough to satisfy you.
You knew you had to choose the "call Karkat" option or else Rose and jade (and Dave too, probably) would never let you hear the end of it. So with a breath you dialed his number, secretly hoping he wouldn't pick up and gosh would that save you the trouble! You felt your palms become sweaty and you nearly dropped the phone as it rang shrilly in your ear. Gooooosh you were so nervous! You knew you shouldn't be but you were.
You squealed when you heard a distinct click noise followed by Karkat's grumpy voice; "The fuck do you want?"
Your throat seemed to swell up and gosh you were terrified. What do you say? Oh, right, you weren't doing this over the phone. Calm down Egbert. Just invite him over or something; eat some pizza, watch Nic Cage, play board games like you always did together. It's not that hard! You do this all the time!
"Hi," is all you get out and you want to hit yourself.
"Oh well if it isn't Egbert taking the time out of touching himself to call little old Karkat. How do you do, fuckass? Are your hands sticky from all the self-promotion you've been doing holed up in your disgusting little room? What the hell do you want?"
Wow, okay, so you seemed to forget something important about Karkat; he talked a lot. Though talking wasn't the right word…more like he went on detailed ranting insults including vulgar language and angry hissing noises where a simple breath should be. You were used to it but right now, you didn't think you could deal with it.
"Uh, wanna come over for a sleepover?" you asked in the best chipper voice you could manage.
"A sleepover? What the fuck are we, eleven year olds? Oh yeah, I'd love to come over and spend the night in your creepy-as-fuck house and sleep on your shitty hard floor in one of your Power Rangers sleeping bags as we watch shitty movies and eat burned popcorn and talk about girls! Oh, and we just have to paint each other's nails and do our hair and gossip about our friends and what they've been up to in their private life because it is so totally our business!"
Augh. Okay. Wow, Karkat.
"Uh…" you said, unsure of how to reply. You freak out for a moment, a timid sort of emotion rolling around in your stomach and flopping lifelessly in your brain. You had to say something fast or Katkat would get irritated and hang up on you then you'd have to go through this again and -
THIS IS STUPID.
John: man the fuck up and lay down the law
"Just for one minute will you stop spouting off how disgusted you are with me and just give me a yes or no answer?" you snapped, a bit startled at your own words and stern tone. You blinked for a moment, as if dazed at your own seriousness, then shook it off to turn your attention to Karkat. He hadn't replied yet, a short bout of silence delaying his reply.
"Fine," he finally said in a weird growl-hiss noise. "I'll come over and sleep on your shitty hard floor in your stupid Power Ranger sleeping bag. Happy?"
"Very," you said with a satisfied nod, though you knew Karkat couldn't see it. "Come over as soon as you can. Bye."
"Wha - " Before Karkat could finish his enraged sentence (probably to go off on you about ordering him around) you hung up and put your phone down, staring at your computer as if contemplating getting on one more time. But nope, you had to prepare for Karkat's arrival.
You had to put the furniture away in case things got violent.
…well, in case Karkat got violent.