Title: Matsumoto – Fangirl Reloaded
Characters: Yachiru, Matsumoto and Hitsugaya (HitsuXMatsu)
Rating: T for mature themes, innuendo, humour
Summary: Sequel to Matsumoto – Fangirl. Hitsugaya hasn't heard the worst. Just humour.
Disclaimer: Own no part of Bleach, not even bleach
A/N: Yuki-hime means Princess Snow, a Hitsu nickname coined by Heuk Ya in the IchiHitsu story "Empathy". Thanks for hours of reading pleasure and for letting me play with Yuki-hime. I took the easy way out, though, and used Yachiru.
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Hitsugaya paused at the entrance to his office. Through the doors, he could hear Matsumoto's rich alto and the high, piping tones of Kusajishi Yachiru.
"Ah, yes, we scheduled a playdate with Kusajishi for the afternoon." This was standard operating procedure. Whenever Ukitake's candy offerings threatened to overflow the storage bins in the Tenth Division office, a hell butterfly would be sent to the Eleventh Division requesting the dubious pleasure of Kusajishi's company. Though a double-edged sword, it was the best way to get rid of all those sweets without somehow disappointing Ukitake, since Kusajishi never revealed her sources of candy. In Hitsugaya's mind, this was filed under "Routine Janitorial Services".
He wondered about Matsumoto's plans to entertain Kusajishi for the afternoon. A bored Kusajishi was a destructive Kusajishi, but so far Matsumoto had always managed to keep her on this side of compliance. However, he wasn't going to barge in to find out. Encounters with Kusajishi usually left him affronted and frustrated, since he could never get any of his own back. Who could control her apart from Zaraki anyway? Even Kuchiki Byakuya had given up and simply stuffed his sleeves with confections in case of a Kusajishi sighting.
Leaning against the door, he masked his reiatsu as he prepared to wait out the end of the playdate. Matsumoto would know of his return, of course, but as long as Kusajishi did not, he could deal with a brief (rude) greeting when she left.
Matsumoto's warm accents drifted over him as his spine relaxed against the wood. "She appears to be telling a story," he thought idly. "Wonder which one?" He concentrated briefly and felt Hyourinmaru swimming through levels of consciousness. The ice dragon liked Matsumoto's stories.
"And so, from anger, from grief, from loss, from determination, Himeno transformed into Yuki-hime all by herself and took on the monster tree of Fenrir. And I say it was about time she did something on her own and not relied on her seven Leafe knights to merge with her and give her powers! Don't you agree, Yachiru-chan?"
"Like Ken-chan! He doesn't need shikai or bankai!"
"Yachiru! Urgh, what an image! The zanpukuto are part of our souls—would you want to merge with seven different zanpakuto! Ouch, Haineko, you'll give me split ends!"
Hitsugaya's lips quirked upwards slightly. Orihime had introduced them to Prétear during their first visit to Karakura. Though it was a magical girl manga and anime, he had to admit, if only to himself, that he had rather liked it. After all, the heroine did have an impressive ultimate technique where she froze things solid and splintered them. But why had Matsumoto called her Yuki-hime? He was certain the name was Shirayuki-hime, based on the original Snow White story.
Rustling sounds came from the office. Apparently they were wrapping things up—Kusajishi had ways of secreting candy that involved a large production but made enormous amounts of candy disappear. Hitsugaya decided it was time for him to enter.
He opened the door. Matsumoto was tossing handfuls of sweets about while Kushijishi leapt around gathering them, but they stopped when they saw him. Matsumoto's greeting went unheard as Kusajishi bounced forward, waving and squealing. "Hi, Yuki-hime-chan!"
All his previous good cheer vanished as he took in her greeting. "What did you just call me, Kusajishi fukutaichou?"
Unfazed, Kusajishi stood her ground and beamed up at him. "Yuki-hime-chan! Yuki-hime-chan! Captain Shorty is Yuki-hime-chan!"
Hitsugaya took a deep breath. Kusajishi was as oblivious as a brick wall—neither temper nor sarcasm could cow her. "It's Hitsugaya Taichou, Kusajishi. Yuki-hime is a girl's name."
Kushijishi dashed away, leaned over, then came back. "No, look! Yuki-hime-chan!" She held up a fistful of paper, slightly mangled, but still intact. It was one of those cut-out dress things, and he recognized the blue outfit of the Disney Snow White, topped by… his smirking face?
Even as Hitsugaya's outrage hit new heights with a blast of frigid air, Hyourinmaru chuckled, and he remembered exactly why Hyourinmaru liked Matsumoto's stories—he said it was like watching someone (usually Hitsugaya) walk on solid ice and realize too late that he had stepped on a weak spot. And this was of course Matsumoto's doing—Kusajishi might have a strange, fight-happy view of the world, but only Matsumoto could manage the twisted and the diabolical. Ever since her chest had ceased to unsettle him—quite the contrary—she had sought new ways to bring some chaos into the order of his world, or, as she put it, "Taichou, life isn't only about the big, serious matters, it's also about moments of unexpected and light-hearted insanity!" Insanity indeed. She had outdone herself today. Where had she found a painted headshot of him anyway?
"Matsumoto!" He would freeze her hair and eyebrows off this time, he swore. That would be more painful to her than just general hypothermia.
"Don't you like this, Yuki-hime-chan?" Kusajishi asked innocently. "But you look so much more like a Yuki-hime-chan than Choky-apple-chan and Pinky-chan! (A/N Snow White and Prétear.)
Matsumoto nodded vigorously in agreement, ignoring his glare. "Isn't it so, Yachiru-chan? After all, Snow White had hair as black as ebony, lips as red as blood, and only her skin was white as snow. Taichou, of course, is all snow and ice!"
"See if I don't ice you, Matsumoto," Taichou growled.
"And Pinky-chan is pink, like me, so she can't be a Yuki-hime-chan!" For the life of him, he would never understand Kusajishi's logic. How had he become a hime to her mind? He reverted to his default explanation—when in doubt, blame Matsumoto.
"Now I know two himes!" announced Kusajishi, serenely unconscious of his irritation. "Boobsy-girl and Shorty Yuki-hime-chan!" Somehow, thought Hitsugaya, this was scarcely comforting, and though it was singularly ungracious, he almost wished that another male hime would appear, just to improve the ratio—somehow, a two to one male to female ratio sounded just dandy at this point.
Finally, Kusajishi had remembered her manners, and was bowing to him and Matsumoto. "Thank you for having me over for a playdate. I have to leave now for another meeting." With a final cry of "Bye, Shorty Yuki-hime-chan! Bye, Boobies!" she disappeared in a flurry of shunpo, still clutching a Hitsu Yuki Hime cutout in her hand.
"Yuki-hime, Matsumoto?" Hisugaya turned menacingly to his errant fukutaichou. He was not reaching for Hyourinmaru yet, but that was only because of the dragon guffaws resounding in his head.
"But Taichou, it's a beautiful name! It combines the essence of snow and nobility! Just like my wonderful Taichou!" Matsumoto rested one hand on her hip and wagged the other at him. Hitsugaya closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. Revenge was a dish best served frozen.
"I do not think that you intended it as a compliment, Matsumoto." His tone was very, very dry. "Really, the way you come up with new schemes to…" he stopped, arrested by a sudden realization. "You saw it in one of those fan-fictions recently, didn't you? No way you could have thought it up yourself! You've known the Shirayuki-hime stories for ages, and you've never used that."
"Taichou, I'm hurt! You're saying that I have no imagination?" From soulful to mock hurt—Matsumoto was obviously having too much fun at his expense. She would find that frozen sake was extremely unpalatable.
"Your imagination doesn't incline in that direction, Matsumoto. You've never called me a nickname that someone hasn't already used." Hitsugaya ignored her outraged pout. "So tell me, where's it from? Not one of those BL stories, I hope?"
"Taichou! It came off the name of a pleasure boat! I just thought it was very appropriate!"
"As I suspected." Hitsugaya's eyes narrowed as he started to twitch. "It was one of those so-called BL stories, wasn't it?"
"I never said that, Taichou!" Matsumoto widened her eyes, attempting an expression of limpid innocence. It was a look he was well-acquainted with.
"I can tell when you're skirting the issue, Matsumoto. Goodness knows I've had enough practice dealing with your excuses. Besides, why else would I be called a hime if I weren't somehow taking the woman's position?" Somehow, he knew as soon as it left his lips that this were merely a rhetorical question.
"Tell me, which story? Do many people read it?" He suddenly had a cringe-worthy image of the nickname proliferating all over the Internet. According to Matsumoto, entire populations had embraced the technology.
"Zaraki Taichou calls Kuchiki Taichou Kuchiki-hime in some stories," Matsumoto said pacifically. "So, you see, this isn't the only hime nickname around." (A/N I cannot recall if this is only fanfic or canon as well.) And with that, she sidestepped the question neatly again. Read her silence, Hitsugaya.
"Yes, and didn't you tell me that stories about him are major favourites of the BL genre?" Hitsugaya crossed his arms and glowered challengingly at his second-in- command.
"I think it just means that Zaraki Taichou thinks he is prissy, Taichou!"
"Are you saying that I'm prissy, Matsumoto?" Insult was piling on insult. Now he was both fussy and womanly? This conversation was turning out to be strangely fascinating, infuriating and enlightening all at once.
"Of course not, Taichou. Taichou might be a little too fond of paperwork, unwilling to participate in sake parties, and reluctant to laugh at jokes, but Taichou is definitely not prissy! This is just a description from a story! It's not as if Zaraki Taichou has actually told Kuchiki Taichou that he is prissy to his face."
"Somehow, your assurances fail to comfort me."
"Taichou will also recall that Kuchiki Taichou has been excessively celibate for half a century, which is sufficient to qualify anyone as prissy. Taichou, on the other hand, need have no worries on that score, as I can well attest."
"So, inform me, Matsumoto, based on your testimony, if I am not prissy, then what part of me looks like a hime?" He just had to keep worrying this issue like a loose tooth. But it was not everyday that a man discovered that he had been dubbed a princess among men.
Her eyes swept over him. A wicked smirk appeared on her full lips, due notice that the next remark was going to be extremely provocative.
"I couldn't say, Toushiro. But there's one part of you that definitely doesn't." Her crystalline eyes turned a pure, lucent sky blue.
Hitsugaya could feel the flush singe across his cheekbones. Matsumoto could drive him insane in all sorts of ways. But he had learnt that there were some kinds of insanity he would gladly embrace. Abruptly, his ire faded. Before he could take a step forward, however, Matsumoto suddenly looked out the window and exclaimed, "Oh, no! It's way past the start time. I'll be late for the meeting. Yachiru's already gone on ahead."
All tender and private musings vanished at the mention of Kusajishi's name. Instead, a vague dread began to rise in Hitsugaya. "What meeting? There's no fukutaichou meeting scheduled for today."
"It's the Shinigami Women's Association meeting this afternoon. Yachiru's the president, remember? Bye, Taichou, I'll see you later at dinner!"
Hitsugaya hardly saw her leave. Superimposed on his vision was the memory of Kusajishi Yachiru's tiny hand clutching her Hitsu Yuki-hime cut-out as she raced towards the SWA meeting.
In the background, Hyourinmaru had not stopped laughing. Traitor.
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The end.
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Thank you for your attention. Concrit appreciated.