Hello, Fosters lovers! This is my first fanfic and English is not my mothertongue, so this is why something may sound 'exotic'...sorry.
Lots of thanks to Obsessedatopia for her huge linguistic help to improve this story and for her gorgeous suggestions!
I do not own the Fosters. None of them.
It had been two or three days since Stef's dismissal from the hospital and all the Foster kids were making an effort to recreate at least an appearance of normal life. The mood around the house was still at a pretty unstable climate.
Despite her determination, Lena's attempts to persuade her bubbly partner to stay in bed (or at least to have a fair amount of rest) were almost useless. She had even obtained a couple of part-time weeks at work to keep a closer eye on her. Stef had not got her superpowers back yet though, and this annoyed her endlessly. She spent most of her time wandering around the house looking for some chore to do or for some child to fuss over, all things she didn't really have the energy for. The kids were not used to having both parents at home after school and they felt torn between the instinct to hide in their rooms and the guilty feelings for wanting to escape from their restless, recovering mom. The twins were the ones who looked most embarrassed around Stef, while Brandon was trying his best, in vain, to help Lena in her battle to keep his mother as quiet as a co-operative convalescent should be.
Unsurprisingly, between the older kids, Callie was the one whom Stef felt more relaxed with – maybe because she did not emanate the mixed concern and ill-concealed impatience the others did. Callie had more confidence about her every day. She breathed it when they shared a coffee during a comforting silence in the morning or over some small talk and a cup of tea after dinner. Callie would allow Stef a small smile and stare back at her with no hint of diffidence. Her new found ease was now natural when the brunette randomly popped up in the living room in the afternoon, acting casually while she read her English assignments curled up on the couch, commenting on either TV news with a non-committal attitude or when she hid an amused chuckle while Lena ranted against her unruly partner.
Stef couldn't help being relieved noticing the teen had stopped reacting with a subtle tension to her physical displays of affection. Callie now shyly let herself be touched and started even answering to Stef's playful goodnight kiss with a small, mischievous smile. Of course this kid could sense the tension in the air, but Stef wondered if maybe a part of her had been scared of losing her, as her own children had been, and the thought of it filled her with a compelling stream of tenderness. She felt an urgency to protect Callie from any possible danger and cuddle her enough to make up for the past 6 years. She cherished the opportunity to help this wounded yet strong kid to heal and develop naturally into the brilliant, beautiful person she was meant to be.
It was a bright June afternoon and the house was weirdly quiet. Brandon and Jesus were having after school activities, Jude was upstairs doing his homework, Lena at a school reunion and Callie, her recent sidekick was outside practicing her guitar. Stef could hear Mariana silently washing the dishes, a task she would have never, ever spontaneously undertaken before the shooting accident; she heaved a deep sigh realizing the time had come to have 'the talk' with her daughter. She knew Lena had a trenchant conversation with Mariana at the hospital those few days before, reassuring the girl in her deepest anguish. Both parents knew that there were much deeper issues underlying Mariana's recently subdued attitude, and Stef knew it was necessary for her herself to have a heart to heart with the kid. The whole pills affair had been left in standby, and an exhausted Lena had welcomed her partner's proposal to tackle the hot potato herself. The first days at home had passed in a hustle, now she had to seize the day but she was strangely uncertain about how to approach the problem. Stef didn't have a PhD in Child Psychology, but she could sense strong emotions among the people around her – maybe it was a part of the cop assembly kit – and she perceived a whole nebula of pain spinning around her Miss Thing right now. Children with her past often had to deal with complex abandonment issues. Lena and Stef had to sometimes remind themselves that deep inside their outgoing 15-year-old there was still a small child feeling desperately angry and somewhat guilty for being left behind by her birth parents. Mariana still had to finish processing all of this, Stef thought with another sigh, and it was going to be a long path. In any case, Lena and her had to set some boundaries now, for their daughter was crossing a confused path as indicated by her recently abrasive attitude. Jesús had accused Stef a couple of times of having a soft spot for his sister, and she had to admit to herself that she was usually less strict on Mariana, maybe because she had always been a very level-headed, kindhearted kid before. Before entering puberty, of course.
Stef didn't hear Callie entering the living room. "Hello, sweets" Stef woke up from her intense reflections. "You've been playing a lot. Would you like a snack?" Callie looked at her silently for a few seconds, with a puzzled expression on her face. "A snack now? From the kitchen?" she turned her head towards the sound of her sister's self-inflicted penance. "I'm not really hungry, but speaking of the kitchen…hum…You know Mariana is there. Alone" the girl said tentatively.
"And…" Despite the subject of Callie's hint having just been on her mind, Stef hadn't considered that her foster daughter could have been referring to the same thing.
"And…"Callie breathed slowly. She hoped Stef wouldn't take this the wrong way. "So, she's alone…" the brunette continued in the same interrogative tone. The light-bulb finally switched on in Stef's mind. When the heck had this girl started to read her?
"I mean… I think she's like dying to talk with you, but she will never start it" Callie offered her more with a surprised look. Wasn't that obvious for everybody? Having had the final push she needed, and from an unexpected source, Stef slowly made her way off the sofa and headed reluctantly towards the kitchen. She brushed Callie's arm in thanks as she passed. The girl had grew closer to her, but still she was amazed by how insightful she was. For a second Callie wondered if even Stef could feel a little lost, sometimes or at least take some time to get things right. Maybe she did.
"How are you doing, Miss Thing?" Stef appeared fake-casually in the kitchen, looking fondly at the tiny girl now chopping the vegetables for their dinner. She stroked her cheek lightly and met a quick, sad smile on her daughter's lips.
"It's very sweet of you to help so much in the house".
Mariana shrugged. "I know I'm helping more than I usually do. It's just...you should really step back and let us do all these things now" Mariana replied with a weak, mock scolding tone.
Stef smiled, breathing in the mixed feelings behind the kid's attitude. She was reacting in a mature way - she really was trying her best to support Lena, which was very sweet, but it was clear to her parents that she was also trying to make amends; there was something remorseful in the way she tip-toed around with her recently quiet demeanour.
"It's time we clear things out, or she's going to punish herself in her mind much worse than what we could do" Stef thought, feeling compassion for the troubled girl. She definitely wasn't going to get away with it, but it was so sad to see her so uncharacteristically silent and meek.
"You know what, babe? It's time we have a talk. Let go of that knife and take your cranky, old mom to sit in the porch…come on" she said taking the girl's hand and guiding her playfully, but steadily, outside. Mariana looked quite concerned as Stef made her sit. She turned white as a sheet as her mom started talking sternly. "Now I'll tell you something very serious, and I want you to believe me and keep it clear in your mind for good." The older woman looked deep into her daughter's eyes.
"This was not your fault. The shooting. You didn't want or cause any of this to happen. I know you've been through a lot lately and you're feeling a mess, but you have to keep this clear. You must stop blaming yourself for this now."
The girl's eyes dropped. "Hey, look at me and tell me what's wrong, ok?" said Stef lifting her chin.
"I know technically it wasn't my fault, but I'm feeling awful anyway. Mama told me you don't… hate me for what I did" Mariana continued sadly. "But if I had not been in contact with Ana…if I had not involved Jesús…".
"I said 'stop this now'! Mariana, the shooting was my fault." The girl's eyes widened. "I was impulsive, I didn't even call for help. I rushed to Ana's house while I was angry, without wearing my bulletproof vest. All of this was my responsibility. And it was a complete failure, by the way: I ran there to keep safe your brother and I got in trouble myself, and now I have to bear Mama fussing over me!" continued Stef, trying to lighten the mood a little.
Mariana felt a little relieved – her mom was speaking from the heart and the simple fact of being close to her, facing her fears, was comforting her. It was quite a familiar sensation. Stef was not always as sweet as pie, and having to face her could be sometimes unnerving for the teenagers; she was snoopy and unbelievably stubborn, and every now and then it took lots of patience not to snap at her - but Mariana was still amazed by her persistent power of shushing in two seconds all the monsters who were fighting loudly in her head.
Back in those first weeks after the twins' arrival, Mariana used to stick to Lena most of the time she spent at home, like a silent duckling to her mama duck, but at night she just wanted Stef to tuck her in, talk to her and stay by her side until Mariana was almost asleep. Lena had been great, day by day, at involving the little girl in family life and getting her to open up, but in Stef's arms something instinctive happened. She could feel instantly calm, warm and safe. Whether the woman was holding her on her lap, or curling behind her at bedtime, Mariana just felt she was where she belonged and her worries silently melted away. Sometimes Stef's touch over her head or her belly was enough to relax her. After a few months, as the attachment to her new foster parents grew stronger, Mariana had in some way absorbed by osmosis some of Lena's concerns about Stef's job – or maybe overheard a conversation about another cop been shot – and she started having a series of crime-style nightmares in which the big bad guy ended up trying to shoot her foster mom. The nightmares normally resulted in her sleeping in a bed version of a mama sandwich, but the basic fear they instilled was realistic and became something Mariana simply had to accept, as the other members of the family did.
A fake evil grin spread across Stef's face "Which does not imply you're not in trouble, baby girl – just not for the shooting!" she continued then focused herself to turn into stern mode again. "Lena and I discussed it and… We are still mad at you for the whole pills issue. That was really, really disappointing for us, Mariana, seriously. We would have never expected this from you. Anyway – it was over a month ago and I guess you're feeling pretty bad already, but as we mean to treat you and your brothers equally, and we don't want to encourage any of you to pursue a career as drug dealers, you're grounded, as Jesús was when he covered for you. Three weeks starting from today, young lady. And you're lucky you're not also getting detention at school, because your knucklehead brother took it in your place. And that you've already had your Quinceañera, because I would have it cancelled immediately". Which would have saved us a fair bit of college money, Stef added in her mind.
"Yes" sighed Mariana, who was basically expecting it. Being grounded definitely wasn't going to be the worst thing that had happened that month and she was going to be pretty busy helping Lena in the wedding organization, so she was meant to spend a lot of 'quality time' with her parents anyway. Now all she'd really lost was the choice.
"I'm sorry, Mom – for letting you both down" the girl said looking down at her nails, then looking back into Stef's eyes. They were turning softer after having delivered her reprimand. "I was about to tell you and Mama about Ana many times, but I was too scared to. Then things grew more and more complicated, so I thought I would never be able to tell you. It all happened so fast, and then – then it all fell down. Last week…it was a nightmare" she admitted with a choked voice.
"Yeah, kinda like those crazy crime nightmares you used to have" Stef smiled trying unsuccessfully to lighten the girl, who had been clearly upset and torn in the last days. She'd been through a lot and deserved some mercy, after all. "I was scared I'd lose you – both of you" Mariana continued in a very small voice, looking back at her knees.
"You had nothing to be scared of, you know that, do you, Miss Thing? You know you and your brothers mean everything to your mama and me. Hey, look at me. You know that, yes?" she continued with a hint of concern, while Mariana nodded with a shy little smile. "You know we will never, ever leave you or stop loving you, even if you turned up being a real drug trafficker?"
"Apparently I'm not ready for doing this as a pro" Mariana grinned quickly, trying to hold back some much needed tears. "Over my dead body! Try it again, young lady, and you'll see my real bad cop side. No kidding." Stef threatened half seriously, then relaxed again and put her hand on Mariana's. "But honestly, whatever you do. You know we will always try to understand you and to do the right thing, okay? I can't deny we felt hurt knowing you went behind our backs with Ana. But I KNOW you had no intention of hurting us or 'betraying' our family or anything like that. I just wish I could have protected you from this. I wish you could have met Ana… later. Maybe at 18, or 30. Or never". Mariana was laughing between silent tears now. She was grateful her moms had the character they did. For Lena's deadpan humour and for Stef's playful nature. Lack of drama was a trait she growingly appreciated, especially with the recent comparison she had discovered against the Riveras. Her mom was gently stroking her hair now, wiping away her tears with her thumb.
"It was just…I just needed to know her. To remember what she's like. Maybe to become sort of friends someday…I was so stupid." Mariana finally broke into tears, giving voice to what now seemed to her silly, childish ideas.
"You were not, love. Sadly, Ana is not ready to have a healthy relationship with you or Jesus. Maybe things will get better for her. Maybe, really, one day. I know it broke your heart to realize how she lives" said Stef softly, while firmly wrapping the sobbing teen into her arms. After a few minutes in which Mariana felt she was floating, clinging onto her mother's chest, she spoke in a small voice while sniffling her nose. "Well, things couldn't actually get worse for her. I mean, Mike killed her boyfriend…" It was pronounced as a serious statement, but while she was saying it, Mariana perceived a hint of black humour in her sentence, and started giggling, still with her moist nose in Stef's neck. Maybe she was to going to inherit some of her parents' traits, after all.
"Just one last thing: I know the pills stuff will NEVER happen again" Stef admonished, while softly pulling away Mariana's shoulders to look into her eyes again. "But I also want you to promise me you will come to us whenever you're dealing with something bigger than you or you have any kind of trouble. You know, adults ask for help when they need it. There's nothing wrong with leaning on each other, even when you've made some mistakes, okay? Understood?"
Mariana nodded seriously, resting her gaze fondly into Stef's warm one for a few seconds. "Promise me you'll never do anything like that again either. You can't imagine how scared we were, Mom". Stef grinned, thinking she actually knew. Jesús had awkwardly taken her hand when they were left alone in the hospital room, muttering he was sorry and "Hey, you scared the hell out of me" with the most disheartened face she had ever seen on her younger boy. It had made her laugh despite his composed attitude and the gravity of the situation.
"No, seriously. It would have killed me if…" Stef smiled and again wrapped her arms around Mariana, letting her know without words that she was taking her words very seriously.
"And please, Mother" Mariana emerged from the embrace after a while with a slightly whiny voice "Stop tormenting us and just keep quiet and have some rest. Can you not just let us take care of everything for now?" Stef patted her leg and got up, widening her eyes in a mock scary look. "I can't, honey, or you all will drive me nuts. I'm not an invalid, I'm just drawn that way". She headed to the kitchen door where Lena had appeared with a quizzical smile. Mariana rolled her eyes with an exhausted laugh. These were going to be the longest three weeks of her life, but Stef was still in one piece and making weird jokes. More so, she herself was going to be alright too – even though it may take a little while. Everything was going to be OK.