A Petra story. I love Petra. That letter she wrote to her father! This is a tale full of angst and unrequited love, and yet Petra keeps up her spirits and her nerve no matter what.
Unreturned
"Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow."
― J.M. Barrie, The Little Minister
Petra Ral, twenty-two years old, fifty-eight kills to her name, ten solo and forty-eight assists, wrote one long and rather misleading letter to her father in which she probably let her feelings for Captain Levi show more than was wise. As soon as she'd sent it, she began to regret her melodramatic choice of words – I intend to devote myself to him. What on earth had she been thinking? Was she some kind of lovesick schoolgirl? No – she was a soldier with more total titan kills than anyone else of her age and rank. She could imagine her father reading her letter with that little crease deepening between his eyebrows, wondering whether this Captain Levi was a worthy object of his only daughter's devotion, and a part of her wished she'd never sent the stupid letter. But she'd needed to tell someone how she felt, and it wasn't something she could discuss with any of her fellow soldiers. It had been a relief to write the words.
Petra felt confident in her ability to meet with titans in the field, but she was well aware that cockiness could all too easily prove fatal, and even the best soldier could make a mistake. If the worst were to happen, she liked to think that at least her father would know that she'd died following the only other man in the world who had ever truly inspired her.
Besides, her father was a sensible man, and he'd never been one to push her towards settling down and marriage. He wouldn't take her words in an overly romantic sense, would he? He'd allowed her to enter military training like her two brothers, after all, not even baulking when she told him of her decision to join the Survey Corps. At least he probably wasn't the kind of father who would be likely to turn up at the barracks one day to quiz the Captain about his intentions towards his daughter – which was just as well, since Petra was almost certain that he had none.
No – she was certain. Most of the time she was certain. But there was just enough doubt to allow a little light to find its way around the edges of the door she had closed on her hope. There were days when she was grateful for that, and others when she thought she would have preferred the darkness.
When a soldier was wounded beyond saving, a quick death was kindest wasn't it? She'd even delivered the coup de grace once. The boy had fought bravely and defeated one titan only to be plucked out of the air by a second and bitten almost in half before Squad Leader Zacharius' blades felled the fourteen-metre monstrosity, Petra acting as the decoy.
She remembered the boy's name – Uwe Lutz – and the way he had begged her to help him die. His spine had been crushed by the titan's teeth, and he could no longer wield a blade. It remained the hardest thing she'd ever had to do, but she'd done it, unable to wait for Squad Leader Zacharius, who had taken two other members of the squad to deal with another titan on their right flank.
It was Captain Levi who had found her sobbing over Uwe's body. She'd looked around, surprised, trying to wipe away her tears. "Captain? I thought your squad was over to the east?"
"We're done there. Looks as though you had more of them to deal with over here." He'd been covered in titan gore, gouts of blood on his face and clothes already starting to evaporate. He'd looked at Uwe's body, taking in the damage, and the fatal wound that had nothing to do with the titans.
"You helped him?"
Petra had only been able to nod. Captain Levi had put his hand on her shoulder; a brief, reassuring touch. "Well done."
Although she'd already dedicated her heart to the service of humanity, at that moment Petra gave it again.
When Squad Leader Zacharius joined them a minute later, having despatched the last of the titans in the area, he'd only looked from her to Levi and back, before wrapping the remains of Uwe's body in his cloak to carry back home for burial, telling Petra that she'd done a good job. He hadn't seemed surprised, though, a few weeks later, when he'd called her to the office to tell her that Captain Levi had requested her transfer into his Special Operations Squad, and, despite his mutterings about that damned Levi poaching all my best men, he'd seemed proud, and pleased for her.
Petra knew she was a good solider, and good soldiers acknowledged their weaknesses and worked to overcome them, so, whenever she caught herself thinking foolish thoughts about the captain, she tried to cure herself by focussing on something entirely different, or by running through a mental list of all Levi's flaws. There were plenty to choose from: if the general public had any idea about the famous soldier's real nature they might not be so quick to see him as the great hero.
He's so short! she told herself, watching him talking to Erd and Mike Zacharius one afternoon. From behind, standing between the two of them, he could have been mistaken for a child, with his cloak hiding the breadth of his shoulders and the sheer power of his compact, athletic body. But then she caught herself dwelling on that body rather than the fact of his height... And, after all, she was small, too. Small was good, for the manoeuvre gear. Yes, she thought, he is short – but his size is a part of why he's the best soldier we have – a part of why he's so fast and so accurate. Besides, no one within the Survey Corps would ever dream of taking the measure of a person in feet and inches. Outsiders might joke about Levi's height, but no one who had ever worked with him would. Well, aside from Zoe Hange, but she and Levi seemed to have an almost sibling relationship in which insults and bickering were a sign of affection rather than hostility.
No, Petra had to admit to herself, Levi's small stature was never going to put her off. In fact, as a couple, they'd be a good match. And both of Petra's brothers were tall, so it didn't mean that any children would necessarily inherit their father's –
But Petra had to be ruthless in cutting off those kinds of daydreams. No one who joined the Survey Corps should be thinking about bringing children into the world, especially not with another soldier parent. The chances of leaving a child orphaned were just too high.
There was the obsessive cleaning thing, of course. That wasn't something people normally associated with a great warrior. Since her mother's death when she was barely seven, Petra had always done most of the housework, with a little help from her father. She couldn't remember either of her brothers ever wielding a mop or brandishing a broom, except in play sword-fights. Surely cleaning so much wasn't terribly manly? But then, the military didn't function like the rest of society where gender was concerned. Soldiers were soldiers, and everyone was expected to do every necessary task, from cooking, to cleaning out the latrines, to killing titans. Anyway, hygiene was important in an environment where wounds were common. And besides, what kind of fool would complain about a man who was actually keen to mop floors and wash dishes, and to do it so thoroughly, too? No, as quirks went, it was hardly one Petra could condemn.
People said Captain Levi was cold and rude. Well – his speech was often crude, certainly. He was forever referring to the new recruits as 'brats', he swore a blue streak – although that was, admittedly, hardly unusual for a soldier - and he referred to bodily functions far too often, although Petra suspected that was mainly to wind up people he suspected of standing on ceremony. In a way it was a kind of test, and the people Levi seemed to like best were the ones like Zoe Hange or Commander Smith, who took it in their stride and either responded to his impertinent queries about their bowel movements with brief factual accounts or else ignored him completely.
As for Levi being cold – Petra dismissed that out of hand. Perhaps if you were a corrupt official, or a member of the royal court, or a new recruit who had only heard rumours but never actually met the man, then you might believe it. He was calm, certainly. Reserved, even. Outwardly, at least, unflappable. But Petra had never found him cold.
The thing about Levi, Petra had to admit, was that he was so completely confident in himself that nothing he did or said seemed ridiculous. That quality was made obvious to her whenever she was forced to endure poor Auruo's pathetic attempts to imitate the captain. It was clear that the man hero-worshiped Levi, but he would have done so much better to be himself. Words that in Levi's mouth would have been simple facts became vain boasts when Auruo spouted them, and most of the things he said were idiotic statements that Captain Levi would never have uttered in a thousand years. It was a shame, because under all the bluster Auruo was a good man, and a strong soldier. Petra suspected that he had a soft spot for her, and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. If only he didn't make such an ass of himself… It was so difficult not to compare him to Levi, which was hardly fair, when Levi was incomparable.
But was her own silent devotion any less foolish than Auruo's hero-worship? She believed that Levi respected her, but she believed that he respected all his soldiers, and especially those who had earned their places in his squad. She thought that he liked her. They sometimes talked about trivial things: the horses, her home and family, the kinds of lands that might lie far beyond the walls. Petra wasn't sure whether he discussed those kinds of topics with any of the others; a part of her hoped that he didn't. But for all her careful watching, she hadn't managed to detect any sign that he might have any deeper feelings for her, and being a practical, optimistic woman she pushed the idea of romance to the back of her mind and concentrated on doing her duty as a soldier and enjoying life whenever that was possible.
She liked all the members of the squad and had learned to work with them as a unit over so many missions that now they could function almost wordlessly, picking up clues from small gestures and glances, instinctively understanding their places in fighting formations and able to adapt to unexpected circumstances with minimal discussion. Erd was the default second-in-command; a natural leader who ensured the unity of the group. Although technically they were all of equal rank under Levi, it was Erd who was almost always given command if they were sent to accomplish a task without the captain. Erd was easy-going, told terrible jokes, and, like the quieter and more serious Günther, was a true team player, putting the safety of the squad before any desire for the kudos of individual kills. Auruo was the glory-hunter, although Petra suspected his aim was to try to approach Levi's total of solo kills rather than to seek personal glory – a pointless ambition given that, when anyone asked him, Levi would only reply that he couldn't remember how many titans he'd slain and that he'd given up counting a long time ago. If anyone pressed him, suggesting numbers that ranged from the low hundreds to thousands, Levi would shake his head impatiently.
Once, when Erwin had insisted on dragging Levi's squad to some awful social event inside Wall Sina in the hope that they would be able to charm rich patrons into funding the Survey Corps, Petra had heard Levi telling some over-dressed minor noblewoman, "It doesn't matter how many. The only one I'm interested in is the next one, until there aren't any more." Then he'd turned away, much to Petra's relief, despite the woman's obvious attempts to flirt with him.
Petra had been worried that the Captain's bluntness would lose them potential backers, but strangely the opposite seemed to be true. She'd heard Levi's reply quoted throughout the night, along with phrases such as "So fierce, my dear, did you ever…?", "Glared at me as though he was going to attack me!", along with speculation about the size of various bits of his anatomy compared to his height which, for some reason, had made her blush in a way that her fellow soldiers' usual crude banter never did – perhaps because she'd been forced to admit to herself that she wasn't so very different from those gossipy, aristocratic Sina women after all.
x
Petra's foolish hopes were finally laid to rest shortly before she was due to leave with the squad on a mission to guard Eren Jaeger, the boy who allegedly possessed the power to become a titan at will. Ironically enough the incident happened not long after she'd penned that stupid letter to her father: if she'd only waited a few days longer before committing her little fantasy to paper she would have been able to avoid her embarrassment and her father need never have known.
On her way to check on her horse, Petra paused in the shadows by the barracks when she noticed that Levi was already at the stables, talking softly to his bay mare, Pepper. Petra smiled, unable to resist hesitating for a moment to watch Levi. For all his prickly attitude around humans, Levi loved animals, and they seemed to feel the same about him. With the horses, Levi displayed an unsentimental gentleness that he rarely showed in other situations. Before the squad had been recalled to the Battle of Trost, when Petra had watched Levi take a dying soldier's hand - she'd seen it then.
On the point of walking over to greet Levi before checking her own horse, Petra stilled again, keeping out of sight, when the door to the office building opened and Commander Erwin Smith's long shadow was cast over the cobbles of the courtyard. Levi turned around, his attention caught by the lamplight spilling out of the open office door, and Petra caught her breath at the look that crossed his face when he saw Erwin. The expression lasted for less than a heartbeat, before it was replaced by the impassive façade Levi usually presented to the world, but in that moment Petra experienced the awful cold plunging feeling of absolute disappointment, as she realised that Levi was as much in love with Erwin Smith as she was with him.
It was the first time Petra had allowed herself to think the word love in relation to Levi, and to admit it fully to herself at the moment she knew it to be utterly futile was a bitter thing. All Petra could do was watch as the commander crossed the courtyard to Levi's side. Levi appeared to turn his attention back to his horse, but Petra could see that his entire bearing had changed. He stood straighter, and even from her hidden position Petra could sense the tension in his body caused by Erwin's presence. Erwin spoke some quiet words to Levi, but his face was in shadow, half turned away, and Petra had no idea whether he had any notion of Levi's feelings, or what his reaction might be if he did.
Levi made some reply, turning to meet Erwin's gaze. Petra thought Erwin smiled, before saying good night and walking back to the office. Levi watched him go, the expression on his face unreadable. If she hadn't glimpsed that one, unconcealed moment when Levi had first seen Erwin unexpectedly, Petra would never have discovered Levi's real feelings. She knew immediately that she would never tell anyone what she had so unwillingly learned. She would be her usual sensible, cheerful self. She would do her duty without flinching, for humanity – and for Levi. Just because someone didn't return your love, that didn't make your love worthless, did it?
Petra forced herself to cross the courtyard rather than fleeing back to the barracks. Avoiding Levi was no kind of answer. He turned at her approach and gave her a companionable nod and his usual half-smile that was heartbreaking in its difference from the look that had betrayed his feelings for Erwin. Petra beamed at him. "Good evening, Captain Levi. How's Pepper?"
"Thank you – she's well. And I hope your Geist is in good condition." His expression changed subtly and he seemed to be focussing on some thought he was unwilling or unable to share when he added, "We're going to need the horses."
Petra knew that he was referring to the upcoming mission beyond the walls, and knew better than to ask for details. But she would take the hint and give Geist an extra thorough check before they set out. She heard herself chatting away to the captain in her usual fashion and stuck at it until she started paying proper attention and had begun to feel like herself again. By the time she said goodnight and left him to go and check on Geist, she knew that she would be all right. She would carry on, and her heart would mend. It wasn't as though she had to give up on her love for Levi, after all; the only thing that had changed was that she'd been confirmed in her already almost certain knowledge that he would never love her back. And the good thing was that Levi clearly liked her and seemed to feel at ease in her company. More than anything, Petra would have hated to lose that.
x
Petra rode behind Levi, to his right, alongside the boy Eren Jaeger, who so far had shown no resemblance to a titan in any way. If anything, he seemed rather quiet and very polite – and more than a little in awe of Captain Levi. Or perhaps it was less awe and more terror? Petra hadn't been present at Eren's trial, but she'd heard all about it from Erd, who had heard it from Zoe Hange. Petra found it difficult to imagine Levi doing anything so brutal. She'd seen him kill scores of titans of course, but she'd never seen him display any kind of violence towards a human being. Even when he was angry, his self-restraint was absolute. Erd had explained the reasons behind Levi's subjugation of Eren in front of the council, and they made sense, Petra supposed, but she couldn't help wondering how Levi could love a man like Erwin Smith who was capable of coming up with such a plan. Eren showed no signs of the beating he had received except for that wariness in relation to Levi, so presumably his titan powers had healed him, which was a frightening thought in itself.
Petra knew she ought to be wary of Eren. Levi had made it quite clear that if the boy became a titan and lost control of himself, the squad would be expected to deal with him by cutting him out of the titan's neck if possible, or killing him, in the worst case scenario. But when she saw him riding dutifully behind Levi, wide-eyed and lost-looking, Petra couldn't help feeling sorry for him. Her pity increased when she heard Auruo giving the poor kid a lecture about the history of the old castle they were making their HQ before the mission beyond the walls, and she couldn't help smiling to herself when his horse stumbled and he bit his tongue half way through boasting about how he didn't care whether Eren could really turn into a titan or not. Auruo needed to shut up and listen to himself sometimes. Eren only looked alarmed though. He was probably wondering what kind of mismatched group of weirdoes he'd been entrusted to.
Once they were safely within the castle walls, Petra told Auruo what she thought of his showing off and bullying of the new recruit. "And what's going on with this stupid way of talking?" she demanded. "You never used to talk like that. If you're trying to imitate Captain Levi, just – don't. And stop boasting about all the titans you've killed!" Petra wasn't sure why she felt the need to give Auruo such a dressing down, but she knew it had something to do with what she'd found out about Levi. When Auruo made a quip about Petra needing to buck up her ideas if she wanted to become his wife one day, Petra rounded on him. "I wish you'd bled to death when you bit your tongue, idiot! You're pathetic!"
Auruo gave her a surprised, hurt look. She felt guilty, knowing that most of his arrogance was a pose, but she wasn't about to apologise. Instead she headed for the castle, hoping to find Levi. As she walked, her anger cooled. She'd been too hard on Auruo. He liked her – probably more than he let on. What if he felt about her as she felt about Levi? Was that possible? Could a man as crass as Auruo Bossard be capable of such feelings? Of course he could, just as the apparently untouchable Levi could be hiding a secret love for the commander, of all people. Human beings were like that – always capable of the most absurd feelings.
Petra allowed herself to imagine a future in which she really did become Auruo's wife. She knew he had five brothers and sisters, and she pictured a small house in the countryside somewhere, overrun with noisy children. The idea didn't depress her as much as she might have expected it to. With enough determination, it would be possible to make herself fall in love, wouldn't it? Auruo would certainly be easier to understand than Levi. He was a kind man underneath his bluster. He was quite tall…
Petra was so far along the pathway of this new possible future that she didn't even notice Levi until he said her name sharply and thrust a broom into her hands. "Petra – you start on the top floor. This place is disgusting." She stared at the captain, who had tied a white cloth around his nose and mouth as a dust mask, and was wearing another on his head to keep his hair clean. What had she been thinking before about the way he never looked ridiculous? Perhaps her campaign to cure herself of her Levi obsession was finally gaining ground. No – she hated to admit it, but even dressed like that Captain Levi still managed to look more intimidating than silly, and it wasn't Auruo she was thinking of as she took the broom with a sigh and started to sweep.
A little while later, when she walked into a room just as Levi was leaving and saw Eren by the window looking distinctly confused, Petra seized the opportunity to make further progress. "I'm not surprised you look so dismayed," she said. "He's not what you expected, huh? No one expects 'humanity's strongest soldier' to be so short, for one thing. And he's highly strung, rude and unapproachable." She felt quite proud of herself as she listed Levi's faults, even though she didn't really believe most of them. But Eren shook his head. "No – it's not that. I was just surprised by how obediently he follows orders from above. This rule about me sleeping in the basement…"
"You thought that just because he's known as a hero, he wouldn't care about rank or the command structure?"
"Yes," Eren admitted. "I didn't think he'd take orders from anyone."
Petra wasn't normally one for spreading gossip, but Eren's words chimed with ideas she'd been pondering since seeing that look on Levi's face when he caught sight of Erwin Smith approaching from across the courtyard. "I think that is pretty much how he was," Petra said thoughtfully. "I heard he was a notorious criminal in Sina's underground city. People say it was the commander who brought him into the Survey Corps. I don't know the details, but –"
She was stopped by the sudden arrival of Levi himself. Grabbing her broom, Petra began to sweep the floor, turning away to hide her blush, hoping that Levi hadn't overheard her talking about him. The Captain merely glanced around the room, and scowled at Eren. "Those rooms you supposedly just cleaned are nowhere near good enough," he grumbled. "Go and do them again."
"Yes, Sir!" cried Eren, all but running from the room.
"Jumpy little brat, isn't he?" Levi said. Petra was relieved that he made no reference to her gossip. Perhaps he hadn't heard after all. "Still," Levi continued, "I suppose it's not surprising. He's been through the mill, coming from Shinganshina. And I don't think he understands himself how this titan power of his works."
"Yes, Sir," Petra said, understanding. "So – be wary, but remember he's still just a kid?"
"Almost," Levi replied. "We can't afford the benefit of the doubt to that extent. Be wary, but remember that he could still just be a kid. He's a kid with extraordinary powers, whichever side he turns out to be on." Levi sighed. "This job was easier when it was only about killing titans."
"I'm sure Commander Erwin has a plan," Petra said, unable to stop herself picking at that particular scab, just to be sure.
Levi stilled for a fraction of a second when she said the commander's name, and she knew she'd been right.
"I'm sure he has," Levi replied.
"Shall I make us all some tea, Sir?" Petra asked, making her voice as breezy as she could manage.
"Thank you, Petra, but there's no need," Levi said, with the hint of a smile she knew he rarely showed to the others. "I've already got Auruo on it."
She managed to smile back, filled with an odd feeling made up partly of regret that he would never feel for her what she did for him – what she still felt for him in spite of her best efforts – but also of warmth because he treated her as a trusted colleague – even, perhaps, a friend.
x
The next time Petra got the chance to watch Levi with Erwin she concentrated on the commander, trying to determine whether he had any idea of his captain's feelings, and, if so, whether he returned them. On the face of things it seemed unlikely, but there was that story about how Erwin had been the one to recruit Levi to the corps, and now that she thought about it, she remembered a conversation she'd once had with a trainee who had been sighing over the undeniable fact of Erwin Smith's handsomeness. One of the other girls had said sadly, "Oh, yes – but he's married isn't he?"
"No," the starry-eyed recruit had replied. "He's not. People say he's married to the job, but I think he just hasn't met the right girl yet – because he hasn't met me!"
Did the fact that Erwin Smith had never married mean anything? Surely the most likely explanation was simply that the commander hadn't wanted to marry, knowing how dangerous his job was? With such a low survival rate in the corps, there were few soldiers who risked such a commitment. Erd had a fiancée, Petra knew, but he'd once said that they were waiting to marry until the situation with the titans stabilized. If Wall Maria could be re-taken, and peace restored, perhaps then…
Mike Zacharius was unmarried, as were Zoe Hange, Günther – in fact, most of the soldiers she knew. And if the commander had any leanings towards men rather than women wouldn't there be rumours to that effect? She'd seen Erwin Smith dancing with noblewomen at various fund-raising functions in the past, and he'd always appeared perfectly at ease. But then she'd never had the slightest suspicion of Levi's true feelings either until the moment that had shattered her fantasies.
For all his lack of height, there was absolutely nothing effeminate about Levi, even in a headscarf with a dustpan in his hand! And the commander was the very epitome of manliness, with his broad shoulders, impressive muscles, and square-jawed good looks. Weren't men who loved other men said to be softer and less masculine than most? Or was that just a crude generalisation, in the way that those Sina ladies laughed behind their hands at female soldiers, and accused them all of being rough and mannish?
Petra's eyes followed Erwin Smith as he made the rounds of the soldiers present while Zoe Hange wailed over the 'murder' of her captured titans. The commander was asking questions of almost everyone it seemed. He paused by her shoulder and said quietly, "Petra, who do you think is the enemy?" She gave him a startled look, "I – don't – Uh, the titans, of course, Sir," her stumbling response. She had no idea what he'd wanted her to say. He'd moved on to others after that, questioning Eren Jaeger last. Levi waited for him, his expression mildly impatient, his other feelings unreadable. Erwin joined him at last. There was barely any acknowledgement between the two men, Levi's eyes meeting Erwin's for the briefest of moments before he turned and walked ahead, but there was something in the perfect synchronicity of their movements that spoke of a deep, sympathetic connection between them. As to whether or not that connection was a romantic one, however, Petra remained as much in the dark as ever.
x
Now that her two pet titans were dead, the entire focus of Zoe Hange's experiments shifted to Eren. Petra felt sorry for the boy, but she knew she couldn't afford to let her guard down around him. When it was her turn to escort him down to the cells where he had to spend his nights, she tried to keep up a cheerful stream of inconsequential chatter, but the mournful look in his large green eyes touched her heart. "Sorry, Eren," she whispered, turning the key in the lock. He gave her a sorrowful little wave from behind the bars, and she was ashamed of feeling relieved that he was safely shut away.
One bright, fresh morning, two days before they were due to leave the walls for a practice mission in preparation for the long run to Shinganshina to discover the secrets supposedly locked in the basement of Eren's former home, Auruo asked Petra to help him in the kitchen. He was making tea for the whole squad. "Levi says he likes the way I make tea," Auruo explained, sounding unsure whether to be flattered or insulted.
"You make good tea," said Petra, remembering that she'd been too offhand the last time they'd spoken. "Where is everyone?"
"Outside. Zoe Hange attempted some kind of an experiment. Eren was supposed to turn into a titan, but it seems he couldn't do it."
"Poor kid," Petra remarked, transferring cups and mugs onto a tray. "He's under a lot of pressure."
"You're a kind person, Petra," Auruo said, not attempting to put on an act for once. "But - be careful around him."
"I will. The Captain should be more careful, too. We should all have been there, just in case something went wrong."
"The rest of us were. He said to let you sleep because you were up late last night on guard duty." Auruo hesitated. "I think Captain Levi has a soft spot for you." He looked at her and there was something uncharacteristically anxious in his eyes. Petra smiled sadly, but said nothing. "Do you like him?" Auruo asked abruptly. "I know you admire him – we all do – but is it more than that?"
"I – We get on well. As friends. It could never be more than that."
Auruo let out a breath and said in a rush, "Petra, I know you were angry with me the other day. I go a bit over the top sometimes, don't I? But if you would – that is – when we get back from this mission, if you'd like, we could do something. I don't know – go for a walk or something. I'd say a drink, but you know the inns near the barracks aren't very –"
Petra let go of impossible dreams, and thought about futures that might exist, spreading out in front of her, uncharted as the distant lands beyond the walls. "I'd like that," she said, after only a moment's hesitation. "As long as it's Auruo Bossard I'm going with, and not some tragic imitation of Captain Levi."
"Tch," Auruo replied, with the most self-deprecating smile Petra had ever seen from him, "haven't a clue what you're blathering on about, brat."
Petra laughed, and picked up the tea tray. "Actually, that's not a terrible imitation," she conceded.
Out in the meadow near the old well, poor Eren was sitting at the end of the wooden table, both his hands bandaged over the bloody bite marks he'd inflicted on himself while trying to transform into a titan. Erd, and Günther sat on the opposite side of the table. Levi stood near by. Zoe was nowhere in sight.
Petra put down the tray and took a cup of hot tea over to Levi. She was resolved to behave exactly as she had always done in relation to him. If, as seemed likely, Erwin Smith didn't even know about Levi's feelings, let alone reciprocate, the captain must often be lonely, Petra thought.
Levi took the tea and gave her one of his small smiles. "Thank you, Petra."
"So, what will happen if Eren can't transform?" Petra asked.
Levi looked out over the meadow towards the blue hills on the horizon. "If he can't transform, we can't retake Wall Maria. He has to –"
The world went white. Petra spun around, her hands over her ears, staring wide-eyed at a chaotic mess of splintered wood and steam. As the steam cleared she made out the form of Eren standing atop a hideous heap of raw flesh and bone beside the half-destroyed table, his right arm apparently fused with what seemed to be part of a titan. Erd, Günther and Auruo were all on their feet, blades drawn. Levi, who hadn't even spilled his tea, put his cup carefully on the ground and took a step towards Eren. Petra drew her blades instantly, her entire focus on protecting Levi from the titan, or whatever the hell it was that Eren had created.
Everyone was shouting, Erd and Günther demanding answers, Auruo, back to his arrogant self, making all kinds of threats, Eren trying to make himself heard, his eyes wide with panic. Levi turned his back on Eren, and turned to face the rest of the squad. Petra found that she couldn't focus on anything except for Levi and the utter folly of his actions. "Captain!" she yelled, "Get away from him! Please – it's not safe!"
Levi hadn't even drawn his blades. His hand raised, he was telling everyone to calm down. "You should all get back," he said, looking directly at Petra. She stared at him, her brain refusing to move past the thought if he dies…
"Why?" she almost screamed.
"Gut feeling," Levi said. Then Günther started yelling again and everyone joined in, until it seemed as though Auruo might actually be on the point of attacking Eren. He was prevented by Zoe Hange, who came rushing up, yelling with joy, demanding to be allowed to feel the titan arm which had so mysteriously materialised under Eren. Her long-suffering subordinate, Moblit, tried to warn her to be careful, but she took no notice, touching the titan flesh and squealing in delight when she found out that it was hot. Then Eren somehow yanked his right arm out of the mass of flesh, and fell to the ground, panting and scared. At once the titan arm began to disintegrate, steam rising from it with a sinister hissing sound.
Levi crossed to Eren. "How do you feel?"
"Not – not so good," Eren gasped. Petra instantly felt ashamed of her panic, seeing Eren collapsed on the ground at Levi's feet, looking like the isolated, frightened child he was.
Levi escorted Eren back into the castle and took him down to the cells in the basement, while the rest of the squad cleared away the remains of the table and the shattered crockery, and listened to Zoe's happy theorising.
What Levi said to Eren, Petra didn't know, but when they returned to the room Levi had designated the living area sometime later, Eren seemed calm. Whatever had happened at the trial, Eren seemed to trust Levi. Petra was reminded of Levi's manner with the horses. Something in him seemed to inspire people, despite his abrupt manner, demonstrated a few moments later when he greeted Zoe Hange with the words, "You're late. Were you taking a long shit?"
As usual, Zoe was completely unfazed. "No, that went surprisingly smoothly," she replied, before going on to explain her theory that Eren's titan power was activated by an injury combined with a definite purpose – in this case picking up a teaspoon.
The implications of her words sunk in quickly, and Petra's uneasy sense of shame grew. Only Levi had been prepared to await the outcome of Eren's transformation; the rest of them had been far too quick to misjudge him. Günther was the one to put the feelings of the whole squad into words, although it could equally have been any of them. "So – you didn't deliberately transform without permission, Eren?"
"No, Sir," Eren replied, glad that they finally understood.
Günther nodded to Erd, and they both looked across at Petra and Auruo. All four members of the squad bit down on their own hands as hard as they could manage. Eren stared at them, shocked.
"We were wrong," Petra explained. "We misjudged the situation, and we're sorry. You must be disappointed in us. But even with your power under control, one person can't do everything alone. That's why we act as a group. We'll count on you, Eren, but I hope you'll count on us, too."
Levi said nothing, but Petra could sense his silent approval. Eren nodded, seeming reassured.
"Auruo," Levi said, "I think we could all do with some tea."
x
With the explosions from the Target Restraining Weapon still ringing in their ears, Levi's squad found a safe place to tether the horses, and then flew deeper into the forest, hardly able to believe what had happened. Predictably enough Auruo was boasting to Eren about the power of the Survey Corps, while Erd and Günther exclaimed delightedly as the understanding that they had played a pivotal part in capturing the female titan alive began to sink in. Petra remained silent, but, despite all the deaths Commander Smith's plan had entailed, she felt a moment of pure elation. She had been right to trust – right to tell Eren to trust.
She had experienced an unsettling doubt back in the forest, her terror rising as the huge titan gained on them until she'd been certain every breath would be her last, when Levi had told Eren to choose between transforming and fighting alone, or trusting in the squad. Petra had wondered whether even Levi knew what he was doing, asking herself why he hadn't given Eren a direct order to continue. But now she understood. Levi had wanted Eren to make his own choice, because no soldier could afford to rely on orders entirely – not in the field, where the situation could change at any time. Eren had trusted in Levi, and in the rest of the squad – and the female titan had been captured!
Petra's joy lasted until other implications of the hectic, horrifying chase through the forest began to needle into her thoughts. When Erd decided they had flown far enough away from the scene of the titan's capture, they came to a halt high in the branches of the trees. Eren voiced Petra's fear before she'd really had time to acknowledge it herself.
"I understand keeping us rookies in the dark," Eren said, "but not seasoned veterans like you. I don't understand why –"
"Shut up!" Auruo interrupted, and for once Petra was glad of his outburst. Was it really possible that the commander didn't trust them? She had no doubt that he trusted Levi, which was presumably why Levi had left them to go to Erwin's side. But if the commander didn't trust the rest of Levi's squad, did that mean Levi didn't trust them either? Did that mean Levi didn't trust her?
After all I've done! Petra thought. I've tried my best!
Time after time she'd faced the titans, going back out even after the first time when she and Auruo had been so terrified they'd shamed themselves in the most embarrassing way. Thank fuck she hadn't known Levi then. But Erd had been there – he knew how she'd wept, and worse, during that first encounter. Since then she'd gone out again and again – they all had. Her confidence had grown with her ability to find her courage, suppressing the paralysing terror to concentrate on the job, but the fear itself never grew any less. It was a titanic, ever-present shadow that couldn't be banished, only acknowledged and then ignored.
"What are you saying?" she demanded of Eren. She felt a bruising sense of betrayal at the words of this boy who she had done her damnedest to trust and reassure and welcome into the squad despite her fear that he was allied to the monstrous power of the enemy. "Are you saying that the commander and Le – and the captain – that they don't trust us?"
"No, but – doesn't it amount to that?" Eren asked.
It was Erd who prevented Auruo from persuading Petra to knock Eren's teeth out, pointing out in his rational way that the most likely explanation was that no one had been allowed to know about the real nature of the expedition unless they'd been a part of the corps before the original breaching of Wall Maria. When he explained his theory that there was probably at least one spy within the Survey Corps – someone who could either turn into a titan, like Eren, or who was working with the titans - and that this person had most likely been the one who had killed the captive titans Zoe Hange had named Sawney and Bean, Petra began to feel better. That made sense, and also explained why Levi hadn't been able to elaborate on the mission when they'd been begging him to be allowed to attack the female titan during the chase through the trees.
"Oh!" cried Petra, thinking back to the day on which Sawney and Bean had been killed, "That was when the commander asked me who I thought was the enemy."
"He asked me, too," Eren said. "I wondered what that was about."
"Me too," Erd nodded. "Maybe, if we could have answered him, he might have let us know about the real purpose of this mission. But none of us could have known –"
"I knew," boasted Auruo. Petra stared at him in disbelief. Why was he so compelled to show off in front of the others? "I knew because I'm at a higher level than you, so –"
"Auruo!" Petra said sharply, "Stop it! You don't sound anything like the captain – and he would never say anything like that anyway! You didn't know any more than the rest of us."
Erd looked across at Eren. "Erwin Smith was given command of the Survey Corps, because he's the kind of man who is prepared to make the decisions other people shy away from. He'll make the necessary sacrifices, however brutal those choices may seem. I'm sure if you asked Captain Levi why he trusts the commander, he'd say it was because of that."
Petra considered Erd's words, thinking about Levi's secret love for Erwin Smith. It seemed a very hard kind of love, to feel so strongly about someone you knew would be prepared to send you to your death for the sake of a higher cause. And yet, hadn't they all dedicated their lives to humanity along with their hearts? Wouldn't Levi sacrifice all of them – including Petra – in order to defeat the titans? When she thought about it, Petra wasn't sure that he would. He would follow Erwin Smith's orders, and if that meant risking his life and the lives of his men, he would do it. But Levi was one of them – he was with them in a way the commander wasn't. If one of the squad got into trouble, Levi would always risk himself to save his soldier. He never followed orders he doubted without questioning their necessity. If there was a way to avoid fighting titans while still accomplishing the mission he'd been given, Levi would find it. There was no bloodlust in him, no sense that he enjoyed the game of war for its own sake. Petra didn't know the commander well enough to be able to judge whether that was equally true of him. Strangely, despite his breathtaking efficiency at slaying titans when necessary, his blunt language, and uncompromising statement of harsh facts, Petra concluded that she'd fallen in love with Levi for his gentleness.
"Oi, Petra!" Auruo called. "Did you even hear that?"
Petra looked up at him, startled. "What?"
"I asked you a question."
"Sorry. I was miles awa-"
A terrible cry somewhere between an anguished howl and a furious roar reverberated through the forest.
Auruo clapped his hands over his ears. "What the hell was that?"
"The titan?" Erd wondered. "Have they managed to extract the person inside it?"
The squad waited in tense silence for some minutes, but they heard nothing further. At last Günther asked, "Will they signal, or with the captain –" He broke off as a signal flare snaked into the sky above the trees. "Looks like we're done here!" he cried.
Erd nodded. "Get back to the horses. We're going home."
Auruo was triumphant. "At last! Now we'll get to see the face of the bastard inside that titan!"
Flying through the trees back to where they'd tethered the horses, the relaxation in tension was palpable to everyone. Günther flew ahead, always serious, keeping a look out for the captain, but the others joked among themselves. Petra praised Eren for having trusted in the squad, and Auruo mocked her for being soft on the rookie. "He didn't do anything much, apart from serving as bait! I guess staying alive is an achievement, but he doesn't get any credit for that until we're back within the walls." He gave Eren a look that was obviously supposed to imitate one of Levi's scowls. "Got that, kid?"
"Yeah, yeah – I've got it already!" Eren replied, exasperated.
As usual it fell to Erd to break the tension, putting Auruo in his place in a way that was unfortunate for Petra.
"I seem to remember both of you pissing yourselves and crying like babies on your first time out," Erd called, loud enough for everyone to hear. "You've come a long way since then, huh?"
Petra was mortified, but her outraged response of "Don't tell him that! What if he loses all respect for us?" only served to confirm the story to Eren, who looked delighted.
"I never wet myself," Erd told Eren. Naturally Auruo tried to reassert himself by boasting about his superior solo kill count, but Erd was having none of it. "Kill count alone doesn't make a soldier!"
Eren was clearly intrigued by Erd's story. "Wow – Petra – so – did it spray through the air?"
"Erd!" Günther scolded from ahead of them, "Are you people on a fucking picnic? We're outside the wall!" But even he couldn't resist adding, "And for the record, Eren, I never pissed myself either."
A green signal flare rose above the trees. "Must be Captain Levi," Günther said. "We'll join up with him, and then we're going home, so let's move!"
Günther streaked ahead through the trees. Petra's eyes followed him, looking for Levi – for his familiar silhouette. She caught sight of a green-cloaked figure, but instantly recognised that something was wrong. Something about the movement was off – the shoulders were too narrow –
She was about to shout a warning, but the words caught on a shocked gasp as the strange soldier shot past Günther. Then Günther fell the length of his wire and was caught above the ground, dangling there like a broken puppet. Eren yelled his name, and flew over to him, the rest of the squad following. Petra couldn't process what she was seeing at first – Günther, dead, almost decapitated by a slice to the back of his neck, just as if he were a titan. Was this a titan's revenge? Someone using manoeuvre gear, wearing the Survey Corps' uniform - was this new enemy a titan sympathiser, or the person who had been inside the female titan? If the female titan had escaped where was Levi? What had happened to Levi? Was he hanging somewhere in the forest, like Günther? If Levi was dead, Erwin Smith was probably dead too. Was this the end of the Survey Corps? Had they failed completely?
No. Levi couldn't be dead. He'd come for them. He'd always come for them. In the meantime, they had to fight. But Erd was giving orders, telling them to forget about returning to the horses – to head straight for home, or any friendly forces. Auruo had grabbed Eren, who seemed to have frozen, staring down at Günther's body. Erd yelled, "Protect Eren!" The remaining members of the squad formed up around Eren, Auruo physically propelling the boy forward.
As she'd learned to do over so many missions, Petra turned her fear into rage, and focussed everything on that feeling. This enemy had killed Günther. "Goddamn you! How dare you?" Petra screamed. "Come on!" she cried to the others – "At the very least, we'll all go down together!"
Behind them there was a huge explosion. Over her shoulder Petra saw a huge shape, shrouded in steam, and then, as the steam cleared, the female titan. Had she escaped the trap? Had she run, or had she killed first? Was Levi –
No. Focus. Eren was shouting, trying to move towards the titan, his hand moving towards his mouth. "I'm killing it!" he screamed. "This time, I'm killing it!"
No! thought Petra.
"No!" commanded Erd. "You head back to the commander."
Petra wondered whether the commander was still alive. But Levi had been with him. Levi would never let anything happen to Erwin Smith. Not if he was still alive himself…
Eren was resisting. Erd reasoned with him, Auruo swore at him, but Petra knew that if Eren survived, humanity would still have a chance against the titans, and understood what needed saying. "Eren!" she cried, "do you really have so little faith in us?"
She saw her words anchor themselves in Eren's consciousness, and knew that she'd aimed well. His tone full of conviction he shouted, "I believe my squad will be victorious! Fight well!" Then he was off, flying, free.
Would they be victorious? Petra's mind flooded with images of the rear guard soldiers killed by the female titan during that nightmare chase. Squeezed to death, or stamped on, crushed like the grapes in the vat back home, when her father had made wine before the fall of Wall Maria.
Could three soldiers hope to defeat that monster?
Not just three soldiers, Petra thought. Three of the best. Squad Levi. We can do it – and when we rejoin the captain, he'll be proud of us. We'll show him that he was right to choose us. We'll avenge Günther, and then, when all the titans are dead, I'll plant a vineyard somewhere in the lands beyond the walls, and Auruo and I will have that drink, and I'll send the first bottle to Levi –
Focus.
This was a pattern Petra knew by heart, after ten solo kills and forty-eight assists. Auruo looked across at her, and she knew what he was thinking. Petra on the left, Auruo on the right, they flew up in perfect synchronisation and took out the titan's eyes. Blinded, the titan covered its neck with its hands, protecting its vulnerable spot. Petra almost laughed, as all three of them swooped in to slice at the muscles around the shoulders. It was a matter of seconds before the huge arms dropped to the titan's sides. Now they only had to cut the neck muscles and the nape would be open to attack. From long experience Petra knew that titans' eyes took at least a minute to regenerate.
As Petra and Auruo swung down from their attack, Erd headed for the titan's neck.
And then one of the titan's eyes opened, not blank, but glaring with malevolent intelligence. Her massive head lunged forward, and she caught Erd between her teeth, biting him into two pieces.
Petra heard someone screaming Erd's name. She stared, transfixed, at the titan's huge eye, not understanding. How had it regenerated so fast? The titan spat out the top half of Erd's body. Petra watched it falling to the ground, nothing more than bloody meat.
Erd was going to be married. His fiancée was waiting for him. When Wall Maria was retaken –
Oh. Of course – one eye. This titan wasn't like any of the others she'd killed. This one was intelligent - full of human malice and intent. She'd somehow focussed all her regenerative power into just one eye, knowing that would be enough. And now –
Auruo was shouting at her to move – to get higher. He was right, of course. Petra took off, but nothing seemed to be working properly; everything seemed to be taking too long, moving too slowly.
The lines were retracting, pulling her upwards, but so, so, slowly. Petra looked over her shoulder to see the titan's foot – bigger than Petra's whole body – coming inevitably towards her.
"Petra!" Auruo yelled.
Petra looked up, seeing branches, impossibly high above her, and beyond them, the quiet blue sky.
She would get higher. When they got back, she was going to have that drink with Auruo – or was it a walk? He was still screaming at her – "Petra – NOW!" She'd never heard his voice so raw before – high with terror – desperate, though powerless, to save her – and still sounding absolutely nothing like Levi -