Warning!: Implications of slash and crudeness.
Sol: This one is courtesy of concentratedawesomesauce, who suggested that we write a revenge fanfic to go with our other innuendo-based fic, Innuendos and Muggle Hair Dye.
Star: Sol, you should be ashamed of self-advertising like that. On the other hand, this fic does make more sense if you read the other one first, but it can stand alone. Thanks for the prompt, we spent a happy afternoon bouncing ideas off each other and the walls and laughing like lunatics.
Rating: T, for lots of innuendos.
Genre: Humour, with bits of Romance and Friendship
Innuendos and Wizarding Wireless
"Hey Lily! Alice! Come and have a look at this. Is it Muggle?" Marlene had drawn the short straw and was in the process of cleaning the sixth year girls' bathroom after Lily and Alice had made a mess of it with a box of Muggle hair dye. The pair of girls in question pushed the door open cautiously, and two brightly coloured heads appeared.
"Yes?" asked the blonde.
"Is what Muggle?" asked the other. Marlene regarded them with amusement.
"You two look like the start of a rainbow like that. Richard Of York…" she began, pointing at Lily's red waves, Alice's blond curls, and the orange area in the middle where they mingled. The pair scowled, and Alice spoke first.
"What did you want? We didn't come here to be insulted, you know."
Marlene rolled her eyes and grinned, and the other girls' expressions softened into warm, tolerant smiles. Lily and Alice stepped into the bathroom and across to where Marlene had extracted a small black cube from beneath the sink. Lily picked up the cube and rotated it, peering closely at its smooth surface. A long minute later, and it was set in Alice's upturned palm.
"Sorry ladies, I don't recognise it. Alice? It must be magical, but what does it do? My wand's on my bed."
"No need," murmured the pure-blood, holding it up to the light. "I can almost feel the magic coming off it." She passed it back to Marlene, who put it on the window sill. "Someone's spent a good few galleons on that – there's a lot of juice in it, although I'm not sure what it does."
Marlene pulled her wand from her waistband, where she had put it upon discovering the cube.
"Well," she said, "let's find out! Revelio."
The cube did nothing for a moment, then lines of coloured light appeared on its surface, spelling out words and forming images.
"The Ecout-a-Cube: the perfect discreet prankster listening device," read Alice. "No, Lily, stay. Good girl. No, before you ask, you may not just hex Potter and Black until they admit to it." Lily snapped her mouth shut again, crossing her arms and pouting in a playful sulk until Marlene caught her under the arms and tickled.
"Gotcha! Cheer up Lily, I think Alice means that we need to be sneaky, and have a proper hack at revenge, as there's no proof to take to McGonagall."
Lily stopped struggling, and Marlene stopped tickling.
"Professor McGonagall," Lily corrected automatically before her brain caught up with her mouth. "Oh? Sounds good. What's the plan?"
Alice leaned forwards, an evil look in her eye.
"Well… You know Frank, in the year above? The really good-looking one? I'm sure he could, and would, procure us a particular piece of equipment…"
Three mischievous grins broke out, and they retreated to the dorm, the cube and the half-cleaned bathroom left almost forgotten behind them.
Alice and Marlene took seats on the floor, and Lily reached under her bed to pull out the enchanted Muggle loudspeaker and cassette recorder. She passed the speaker to Alice, who tapped it once with her wand, but remained standing, fiddling with the recorder.
"Pull up a patch of carpet, Lily, I want to get started," said Marlene. The redhead rolled her bright green eyes, but sat down quickly, crossing her legs and placing the cassette player in the middle of the circle with the speaker.
"Alright you two," she began, "once we've turned on the speaker and set the cassette recording, we all need to be completely silent, okay?"
They nodded.
"Hokay, Marlene turn the speaker on…"
A loud thud shuddered through the speaker, and Lily frowned before pressing the record button on the recorder and sitting back to listen.
"The Amazing Prongs is here, in the flesh, to save Mr Padfoot from his boredom! No need to panic!"
"Mr Prongs is in nothing but the flesh, from the looks of things. And Mr Prongs should put that towel back where it belongs, because access to the Prefect's bathroom, courtesy of Moony, should not be flaunted."
"Hah! You wish Mr Padfoot! I'm still –"
A crash reverberated through the speaker, and all of the girls winced. Lily reached over to adjust the volume, but the noise faded and was replaced by exclamations of pain and boyish distress.
"OW!"
"Sorry! Sorry! I didn't notice it there!"
"How could you do that to –"
The girls' dormitory door slammed open, and Marlene clapped a hand over the speaker. Hestia Jones stormed through in the direction of the bathroom, muttering furiously to herself. Lily and Alice exchanged looks, and Marlene started giggling quietly as she lifted her hand and Sirius' voice emerged.
"It's not exactly small, Wormtail!"
"Well it's not exactly big, either, Padfoot!"
"So you're measuring it now Prongs, without the owner's permission?"
"Yes! I want one like it, and I need to know the measurements first."
"You're scaring me now Prongsy, you creep. When exactly do you do this measuring?"
"When you're not –"
Hestia returned, throwing the bathroom door wide and marching through, stopping by her bunk to shoot a suspicious glare at the three girls, all of whom had one hand over their mouths and the other over the speaker, pressing down on each other and the grey mesh. After a moment, Hestia turned and pulled her trunk open, dragged her cloak from it, slammed it shut and finally swept from the dorm, slamming the door as she left.
"I wonder what crawled up her arse and died," muttered Marlene, but Lily and Alice shot her half-amused, half-remonstrative looks and removed their hands from the speaker. Marlene did the same, and Sirius' voice emerged, reprimanding Peter loudly.
"Wormtail, don't touch that!"
"Honestly Padfoot, you guard yours almost as jealously as Frank in the year above."
"And Frank's got more reason – his is bigger than yours."
"How d'you know that Wormtail? It's his prize possession!"
"Had a look while he was in the shower, didn't I?"
The moment Peter finished speaking, Alice clutched at her heart and groaned loudly, staring dreamily into the distance. Marlene and Lily took their fists, which they had been using to stifle their giggles, from their mouths, and shushed her quickly.
"But Lily… oh God, he's hot, and in the shower… Peter saw Frank in the shower… Oh. My. God."
Lily and Marlene laughed, but Lily managed to whisper:
"Shhh!" through her giggles. "You can drool over Frank later, Mrs Longbottom!"
Alice groaned again, then quietened, and the boys' voices were audible once more.
"You are becoming devious, Mr Wormtail."
"Why thank you Mr Prongs."
"Enough discussion of Wormtail's dodginess –"
"Deviousness, Padfoot –"
"- yeah yeah – how big is Frank's anyway? It can't be that much larger than mine."
"This big, Mr Padfoot."
"Really?"
His voice sounded somewhat awed, and Alice dropped into dreamland again before Marlene elbowed her. She shot the brunette a dark glare, but returned to listening attentively.
"D'you think I could upgrade mine?"
"I don't think it works like that, Padfoot."
"Shut up Wormtail!"
"He's right Sirius, I don't think you can put extensions on something like that."
The three girls exchanged loaded looks. Green eyes sparkled, brown hair quivered with supressed laughter, and then they burst out into hysterical giggles. It took them a minute or so to calm down, each of them breathing deeply to avoid a relapse, but when a disappointed groan emerged from the speaker, the giggles returned.
"Sirius wants to get extensions!" gasped Marlene, eyes watering with laughter.
"Extensions!" breathed Alice.
"Improvements," chuckled Lily.
"Upgrades!" added Marlene, and they collapsed in laughter again, hysteria continuing for a minute or so more before they could compose themselves enough to continue listening, muffling giggles in their hands.
"But I need it fixed! I always use it in the evenings, you know that. You listen while I use it often enough!"
The next word was muttered, and the girls suspected that the speaker was rather closer to the microphone than his companions, who did not seem to hear. They themselves could only just hear him over their breathless laughter.
"Unfortunately."
"Prongs, Wormtail, we must have it up and working again by the time Remus returns! I want it all perfect for him."
"Go ask Frank to fix it for you then, 'cause I'm not touching that again."
"I wouldn't want you to anyway, Wormtail. This baby is reserved for me and Remus."
"If you're that keen, go ask Frank now. He's in the common-room."
As the sound of footsteps faded from the speaker, the trio of girls exchanged open-mouthed expressions of surprise and delight. Lily reached over and pressed the stop button on the cassette recorder, and Alice leapt up, grinning wildly, her eyes slightly glazed.
"Come on!" she urged, "We have to see this." Lily clambered to her feet and offered a hand to Marlene, who took it, pulled herself upright and dropped the loudspeaker and cassette recorder on to Lily's four-poster.
"Alright," said Lily, also grinning. "I'll race you!"
The dashed out of the dorm and thundered down the stairs, dropping into seats by the fire pink-faced and giggling. Frank, a few feet away, shot them a confused look which caused Alice to go from pink to red, and made them all laugh harder. A moment later, a voice from the boys' stairway made them all fall silent, biting their lips to avoid laughing.
"Get out of the way! Marauders coming through with important equipment!"
"Quickly Prongs! Before something drops off!"
The entire common-room stared, horrified, at the boys' dormitory stairs. Peter appeared first, and moved away from the staircase, ignoring the keen stares. Sirius' arrived, walking backwards, and above him, James, both dark heads bent over something between them. They reached the bottom, and as Sirius turned, a seventh year Prefect clapped a hand over his younger sister's eyes. A moment later, his hand dropped. In Sirius' arms rested a relatively large, square wizarding wireless. Alice's shoulders slumped, and Lily and Marlene took a moment to console her.
"Don't worry, I'm sure he's adequately well-endowed anyway, without comparing him to Sirius Black," whispered Marlene through a muffled giggle while Lily chuckled. Alice glared at the pair, and the Prefect shook his head.
"Have you any idea how dodgy that sounded, Black?"
Sirius paused a moment, then shrugged, grinning, and bounded over to where Frank Longbottom sat, gaping as Sirius explained enthusiastically:
"You've got one, and yours is bigger than mine! Can you make it work for when Remus gets back? I want to show him something special."
Finis