HEALING THE DOCTOR'S DAMAGE
First Therapy Session:
The Doctor stands at the console, slowly turns around, leaning against it. Apart from the background drone and assorted noises of the Tardis, all is quiet. He feels totally alone for the first time since his eleventh incarnation. "I'm just a mad man in a box, nobody's hero." Thinking of the words he spoke to Amy earlier to destroy her faith in him at always being able to save her. He quickly wipes a tear that has trickled down his face, and then gives a short sniffle.
He takes the stairs leading underneath the console floor and plops down in the repair swing to be nearer the heart of the Tardis, "Just you and me Old Girl, you and me." He announces gently swaying. Now there is no Amy to laugh at his jokes or silly antics. No Rory to question his decisions. Not even anyone to flirt with… If you bump into my daughter…, he recalls Amy asking him. Then he thinks about that room – his room, in that floating Minotaur space prison, the one that held his greatest fear. Who else? He recalls saying, after he had looked inside. This causes a shiver to run up his entire body. Look after you, Amy had told him – does he even know how? He remembers what he becomes without companions to keep him grounded. He deeply sighs as he wallows in self pity.
With the gentle rocking of the repair swing along with the soothing background hum of the Tardis the Doctor soon finds himself lulled to sleep. Next thing he realizes he is startled awake by the sound of a vortex manipulator.
"Hello Sweetie."
"River!?" he says kind of half asleep," what, what are you … doing here?"
"The Tardis telepathic circuits contacted me via long range communication, she was … concerned."
"And what was her message?" asks the Doctor with eyes averted.
"Help him …. Come now." She plainly states then adds, "What's wrong, where are my parents?"
"I was afraid – I almost lost her." He admits somewhat hesitantly still trying to avoid her gaze.
"Amy - my mother?"
"Yes". He replies now looking at her, then proceeds to tell her all about their latest adventure and why he left them both back on Earth and gifted them with a house and car. He then looked down and said in a rather dejected manner,"Everyone who travels with me seems doomed ... sooner or later."
"I see." She said sizing up the situation.
"You should visit them sometime." He adds matter-of-factly.
"Yes, we should", emphasizing the word we. "But first we have to repair the damages." River had quickly assessed the Tardis' concerns about her Time Lord and determined a course of action.
"Damages?" he replies somewhat worriedly, not sure where this is leading.
"Yes, self inflicted I'm afraid. Your biggest fear is yourself. In fact you don't even like you." He hates how she comes right to the point and spells it all out clearly, but he needed to hear it.
He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh as he nods his head in agreement, "What do you propose, Dr Song?"
"Come," she says holding out her hand to him. He takes her hand, jumps out of the swing and follows were she leads.
"I'm all yours." He offers with a small degree of trust.
"Ooh, that's a dangerous invitation," she says with a smile and wink. He tries to ignore her flirtatiousness; he is not in the mood for such banter.
"We'll use your study." She said as they approached the door.
"What are we doing?" He said somewhat uneasily not sure where this is leading.
"Therapy."
"What kind of therapy exactly?" sounding a little worried.
"Psychotherapy – specifically a mind link." She answered as she motioned for him to sit on the sofa next to her.
"Are you sure that's wise?" He was not sure if she was up to such a monumental task. There is a thousand years worth of memories stuffed in his head.
"I'm psychologically very strong," she assures him.
Yes, he figures, to himself. I guess she would have to be considering what she has had to endure because of him. "But, what about spoilers?"
"Put them behind a door in your head and anything else you think is too dangerous to be revealed. I promise to respect your locked doors. You don't have to reveal anything you don't want… entirely your choice. I will not force anything from you."
He thinks for a moment. "Okay," he finally agrees.
"Now before we begin - Do you trust me?" She asks looking into his green eyes.
With heavy hearts he remembered all the times he told her that he did not trust her, and then replied, choosing his words carefully, "I absolutely trust you,… to the ends of the universe, but … be forewarned, you may not like what you find."
"No danger, no fun. I may know you better than you think." This is probably true considering their respective wibbly wobbly time lines.
"Ready?"She asked. He nodded and gulped. "Give me your hands… Close your eyes." She leaned forward just touching his forehead, gently squeezing his hands, as she waited for him to gradually and carefully open his mind to her.
Once inside his head she noticed a being, he resembled the Doctor but judged him to be no more than twelve years old. He looked apprehensive but with a mischievous grin. This was the silly but nervous although brilliant adolescent boy, the facade that he often was the most comfortable showing. She went towards him but he ran when he saw her. She ran after him but was not sure where he took off to. Then she noticed a door and pushed it open. Inside it was very dark, almost impossible to see, but there he was – the bitter contemptuous old man - full of self-loathing, guilt ridden and arrogant. However, there was also kindness with cleverness, and helpfulness. As if it these were an attempt to cover up or balance out the negatives. She was not completely surprised considering all that he had experienced and the responsibilities he chose to bear over time. This is going to take a while, she thought to herself.
The Doctor found River's mind to be very comforting – full of devotion, concern and a fierce protectiveness. He was astounded that she was able to overcome her killer programming. She had in fact utilized the training they had given her and, by the choices she made, was able to turn it around. He remembered that he himself had been instrumental in this by not giving up on her in Berlin when he encouraged her to find the River Song she would become. He had not given up on her, now she refused to give up on him.
She continued to probe his innermost thoughts and doubts about the course of his life as bit by bit he opened up more of himself to her:
Not everything is your fault; those who travel with you do make their own choices.
Yes but I entice them. Then I'm accused of having a God complex when I feel obligated to save them.
But you don't just let anyone travel with you.
True, I usually do seem to know who.
It felt wonderful to share this with another without feeling harshly judged. Both of them also realized that as they continued in their mostly opposite time streams that they would need to be very patient and forgiving with each other's younger self. This session went on for quite a while as both continued to explore. Eventually the Doctor ceased to feel River's mind and realized that she had drifted off from sheer mental fatigue.
He carefully picked her up, carried her to the next room, laid her on his bed and proceeded to remove her clothing down to her bra and knickers. His eyes drank in her voluptuous curves; with a near reverence he whispered,"Yowza". Next he stripped down to just his boxers and gently crawled into the bed pulling the covers over them. He snuggled next to her, wrapped his arm around her waist and was soon sound asleep.
He awoke feeling very refreshed. She was still lying next to him. The proceedings of previous day had not frightened her off. "Hello," he said with a smile as he noticed her beginning to wake up.
"Hey," she said as she stretched without opening her eyes yet. He pulled her close and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Hmm," she replied. "Just give me a minute to properly come 'round," as she yawned. When she opened her eyes she saw him staring at her with a cheery grin on his face. She smiled back.
"Did you sleep well?" she asked looking back into his eyes.
"Marvelously", he replied still gazing at her with his hand on her shoulder.
"I guess I fell asleep during the session, your mind is exhausting."
"Big brain … a plethora of synaptic connections," he stated without breaking eye contact as he leaned towards her. Without any inhibitions at all he kissed her, passionately and intensely, his analyzing tongue savoring every sensation. She was intoxicating. He felt wonderfully tingly and was doing his best to hide the fact that this would be his first time in this body. He did not want her to be sad thinking this may be her last; remembering the first/last kiss incident. Then he established an empathic mind link with her to further enhance their experience. There was no deep thinking now, just sensations and pleasurable touch.
"River?"
"Yes," she managed to say between all his kisses and caresses.
"I probably don't say this enough." He knows she needs to hear this.
"What?"
"I love you," he stopped long enough to hear her reply.
"I love you too, Sweetie."
I wasn't long before undergarments ended up on the floor. "Is this part of my therapy, too?"
"The best part…Now, less talking."
Afterwards, they both lay on the bed sweating as their breathing gradually returned to a more normal tempo. Still clinging to each other, they embraced tightly.
"Sweetie, you're glowing!" She exclaimed as she pulled away from him slightly.
"I know." He said as he enjoyed the warm tenderness dispersing all over his body.
"I mean actually physically glowing," she said in amazement, "especially your face."
"It's the synaptic pathways healing. It was inhibited before but restorative energy was released thanks to you." He was so overwhelmed with gratitude for all she was doing for him.
The Eye of Orion:
After they showered together and dressed he suggested they should go somewhere. "Nothing dangerous…no running, just someplace beautiful and relaxing." He then quickly remembered," How about the Eye of Orion? It's one of the most tranquil places in the universe due to the high bombardment of positive ions; the ideal tonic for the weary time traveler."
"Sounds great, let's make it a picnic. We can do our second therapy session later."
"There's more?"
"Well you didn't think it would only take one session did you?"
"I guess not."
"You're very psychologically complex." She said just a little exasperated.
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"As you wish."
The Eye of Orion used to be a thriving holiday resort, but after the Last Great Time War was converted into a shrine to the many who died in the war. Now it was just scattered ruins covered in grass and mist. They found a level spot to lay out their picnic near the monument.
The Doctor seemed very quiet and reflective. Then said to River, "I fought in that war… At the heart of the war, millions died every second. It was hell." There was an intense sadness in his voice.
She listened to him intently as she put together her sandwich. He truly was a warrior at one time; she thought to herself, might be why he has such an aversion to guns.
He continued, "By the end of the war, President Rassilon was so desperate he proposed the Ultimate Sanction. The Time Lords would become creatures of pure consciousness; existing without time ... All of creation would be destroyed." She said nothing but continued to let him talk. His tone then became very heartbreaking, "I used a modified weapon, the Moment, to destroy… Gallifrey." He was nearly in tears. "…In one second." He paused as his words caught in his throat. "The annihilation was so profound it stretched deep into the past and far into the future. It became time-locked. I can't even go back and save my own people." He choked out the last few words. River held him tight as he sobbed into her shoulders. Her comfort along with the positive ions allowed him to calm down relatively quickly.
"I'm so sorry my love, I didn't know of all that."
"I've never told anyone the whole story."
"I take it there was no other way to stop it?" She inquired.
"None," he flatly stated.
"Then please don't feel guilty about what you had to do."
"I still feel bad for all I destroyed, the lives that are no more." They continued their peaceful picnic without saying much, as they allowed the calming tranquility of the place to assuage them both.
Later they explored the ruins for a bit before returning to the Tardis.
"I may have to plan a dig there one day," stated River the archeologist. The Doctor seemed lost in thought."You're still awfully quiet. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Hmm, yes fine." He said in a slightly not-okay way."When do we begin our second session?"
"Whenever you're ready."
Session with the Tardis:
"We'll include the Tardis this time in the link," explained River." She's known you longer than anyone else." This was definitely an exciting prospect for the Doctor.
"Since you're her child how clearly can you understand her?" He asked. "Most of the time I just get impressions but with you it's much clearer isn't it?"
"Yes, I think when she helped to create me she enabled some kind of special cerebral synaptic connector so that she could communicate more directly with me."
"You know I've actually met and talked to her in corporeal form," stated the Doctor.
River was surprised, "When and where was this?"
He proceeded to tell her all about the bubble universe. How the House, the sentience in the asteroid, had the Tardis matrix removed and placed in a human body so that he could then consume the Artron energy of the soulless ship, but instead he decided to inhabit it when he found out it was the last one in the universe.
"The human form of her helped me to rescue Amy and Rory. Her original human's name was Idris but I told her that I referred to her as 'Sexy'. Amy was certainly amused by that."
River chuckled but then realized, "The Tardis matrix can't survive for very long in a human body."
"No, but we managed to get back on board just as her human body died and she kicked the House out and reclaimed her home," He explained. "I am anxious to be able to talk with her again. This is so great, thanks dear." He practically squealed with delight.
"You're very welcome Sweetie", said River as she keyed in a few more commands into the console. "But before we begin I need for you to be calm and your mind quiet."
"Yes, right", said the Doctor as he endeavored to tone down his excitement.
"It'll take me just a moment to set up the psychic field… There, that should do it. Okay, give me a moment to connect then you can join us."
River closed her eyes and laid her hands on the console. The Doctor watched intently for a signal, laying his hands on the console in preparation. River then reached for the Doctor's hand and nodded her head. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the link. There she was, his Sexy - his Old Girl.
"Hello," he said happily, "so very glad to talk to you again."
"My Thief and my Child … together, both talking to me, at the same time!" She wrapped her arms around both of them at once and madly kissed each in turn. "I helped make my Child for you," she said addressing the Doctor.
"Yes, I've since learned. I'm – we – are very grateful," said the Doctor with the appreciation of both his hearts. River nodded in agreement.
"You've been sad but my child has helped – is helping you. Why is your face wet?" she inquires of the Doctor.
"Tears of joy," he sniffed. "I've never felt so loved in all my lives."
"I can't give you everything you want," said Idris/Tardis/Sexy. "But what you need. The guilt you carry is too heavy for one Time Lord to bear. Therefore, on behalf of all Time Lords that ever were/are I pronounce that you are… forgiven."
"You can do that?" The Doctor replied incredulously.
"I just did. Do you accept this gift?"
"I-I don't know what to say?"
"I think yes, would be the appropriate response," suggested River.
"Yes, of course, of course," he had never felt so light and so full at the same time.
After that the three continued to converse about many subjects and reminisced about their many adventures together for quite some time.
Idris/Tardis/Sexy noticed their brain pathways getting worn-out from the heightened stimulation. "I've kept you too long now; your minds need a break, rest, for both of you."
"Yes, other mother," replied River with a smile.
"Oh right, Old Girl," replied the Doctor with an even bigger smirk.
"Good-bye I look forward to our next meeting." At that both River and the Doctor opened their eyes and pulled each other into a warm embrace.
"It was so fantastic to be able to talk directly to her again," he told River.
"Now to bed, My Doctor."
"Coming, My River."
However, they were both much too weary for any kind of shenanigans.
This time River stirred first and waited for him to shows signs of waking up. She usually will complain about how young his face looks, but right know she is rather enjoying just taking it all in and letting her imagination run a little wild. His eyes open and he notices her looking at him rather intently. "What's going on in that naughty mind of yours?" Oh, he knows her all too well.
"Come here you," she says as she grabs him by his shoulders and pulls him towards her for an intense kiss.
"Ah, I am definitely awake now", he says.
"Yes, you are, in more ways than one," she just wanted to see him blush. "I'd like to go and visit my parents today if that's okay with you."
"Sounds great, but first, I have a problem."
"What?" she says knowingly.
"Just this….Geronimo!" he says quickly pouncing on her as she giggles and laughs at his exuberance.
Visit with the Ponds:
"When was the last time you saw your parents?" he inquires.
"Spoilers", River says, as she remembers that it was actually on top of the pyramid when he married her. This had not yet happened from his perspective.
They arrived in Leadworth and strolled out of the Tardis hand in hand up to the blue door of Amy and Rory's residence and rang the bell.
"River! Doctor!" Screams Amy. "Come in, come in." She warmly embraces them both.
"How long?" Asks the Doctor.
"About two months," replied Amy, "Here sit."
"Where's Dad?" asks River
"Working at the hospital, he should be home soon." Amy then notices how closely comfortable they are sitting together on the sofa and that he has her hand in his. "Hold on, something's different." Amy got directly to the point. "You two are sleeping together aren't you?" The Doctor blushes. River nods and smiles. "Ooh, that's fantastic! I'm so happy for you both."
"Please don't tell Rory," pleaded the Doctor, a bit fearful of the Roman's sword.
"I promise I won't, but I betcha he figures it out." Amy laughed. "So what have you two been up to apart from the obvious?"
"Well," says River. "After he dropped you and Dad off here, he became quite mopey, all lonely and brooding in his big blue box. The Tardis was concerned and contacted me."
The Doctor then added, "River utilized a mind link with me, first just us and then later we both linked to the Tardis together. Your daughter is quite the therapist." He stated rather proudly.
"I'm sure she is," Amy said with suggestive tone in her voice.
"Stop it," he beseeched her. Ooh she did enjoy teasing her friend.
At that moment Rory enters, "Saw the box, hello Doctor." Then he sees River. Goes up and hugs her first and then the Doctor. "Thanks for bringing River to see us."
They all sit down. Rory then states to Amy, "They're sleeping together aren't they?" Amy nods.
The Doctor blushes and quickly ducks behind River, "How on earth did you figure that out? It's not like we put up balloons or anything," he says exasperatedly.
"Actually it's written all over your face and in your body language," explained Rory. "Don't worry, I'm okay with it but," he adds rather sternly, "If you hurt her you most definitely will feel her father's wrath. Am I clear?"
"Perfectly," the Doctor practically squeaks. Then everybody laughs.
"Are you hungry? I can fix fish fingers and custard," asks Amy.
"Yummy," says the Doctor glad for a change of topic.
"I'll help you," says River.
In the kitchen Amy grabs a bag of fish fingers from the freezer while River finds the custard powder. Amy moves closer to her daughter and quietly asks, "So, what's he like?"
"Mother! I can't believe you asked me that."
"Come on when you were Mels we talked about stuff like this all the time." Then Amy realizes some of the stuff they use to talk about. "Oh my god, you know stuff about your mother that no daughter should ever know."
"Yep." Now Amy is the one with the red face.
After regaining a certain amount of her lost dignity Amy asks her, "Do you think he is fully and properly healed now?"
"For now but damage can happen again."
Great Frost Fair:
"You do know that I can't stay and will have to leave sooner or later?" says River.
"I know, I know," replies the Doctor. "But I need to take you somewhere special before you go. Hmm, I know let's celebrate your birthday. We can go to The Last Great Frost Fair, London 1814." River seems quite excited at the prospect as the Doctor adds, "Ooh, I like getting all dressed up in period fashion; you in a fancy corseted dress, me in a frock coat with tall hat." Any occasion that required wearing a hat was an exhilarating opportunity to the Doctor.
It was a grand outing, River and the Doctor enjoyed themselves immensely during those four days having as much fun as possible; from carnival festivities, shows, games, to ice skating on the frozen river of the Thames. Somehow, and River is still not sure how he did it, Stevie Wonder sang for her underneath the newly built London Bridge.
For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong
For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true
For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once, I have something I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore
For once, I can say, this is mine, you can't take it
As long as I know I have love, I can make it
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me
After returning Stevie Wonder to his proper time the Doctor mulls something over in his mind before addressing River. "I need you to do something for me." Making sure she has his full attention," I need for you to show up at Demon's Run after it goes wrong. My younger self will need to hear some hard-to-take truths."
"Also, it would be the ideal time to reveal my identity, don't you think?" asks River." Especially to my poor parents who must have been devastated when they realized I was kidnapped."
"Yes, certainly." He continued in a reflective manner, "I remember at Demons' Run I was more like a soldier - feared by others as much as I feared myself. I need you to help my younger self recognize that if I carried on in that way I would no longer be the Doctor but the Mighty Warrior instead. Can you do this for me?"
"Absolutely Sweetie, but how will I know when it's the right time?"
"Because I will send for you – it will be soon, you'll recognize it when it happens."
After dropping her back off at Stormcage, he pulls up the information he retrieved from the Teselecta in Berlin - The date, time and location of his death – a fixed point in time. Something even a Time Lord cannot avoid. Will they still force her to kill me? He ponders.
Time is not the boss of me, at least not yet, he decides to himself. He needs to go on some mad cap adventures. Live every day to its fullest. Look up old friends and take River on lots more dates. Maybe if he is deliberately ridiculous enough he can even attract Amy and Rory's attention, wave at them from history so-to-speak.
No more Mr. Grumpy Face now. Funny, this reminded him of Amy's words at the crash of the Byzantium - "Is she gonna be your wife some day?" Hmm, is River Song the women or marries me or murders me? Perhaps time will work it all out.