"The Noose"
So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead
Recall the deeds as if
They're all someone else's
Atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well
And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
To the dead
With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down [repeated]
Your halo slipping down to choke you now
Requiem
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*
I never thought I would find myself here.
I always wondered how I would do this, because there was no doubt in my mind that I would someday have to say goodbye. But now that I'm standing here, with all these words in my head that I have practiced so many times, I can't seem to make a sound. I open my mouth and then I close it, swallowing to make an excuse as to why I haven't spoken yet. I know you would see through it though, you always saw through my barriers somehow; is it some priestess thing? Because she does the same thing too. . .
Damn. I got off track. Even though she has been on my mind, this really isn't about her. I'm not good with words; I never was. But then you already knew that.
I was so afraid to come here. I knew that I would never know what to say. I knew that there was nothing I could say that would make what happened between us disappear. I still cant, but I'm here now because I think I understand things now. Things have happened and now I feel ready to face you.
Sure, I used to see you standing here all the time. At first I watched just to spy on you, trying to find weaknesses, trying to discover this enigma that I had run into. I was trying to find flaws, but you were so shut up, it was like trying to find a weakness in a boulder. I guess I can understand why you were like that.
You shut yourself up so tightly to keep things from coming in. I may not understand a lot of things in this world, but I recognized that for what it was. I understood it and you understood it, and we both lived by it because it was what we had to do to protect ourselves. Maybe it was in that sense that we could first relate to each other.
You were protecting something so powerful that you never knew if the people who befriended you were genuine or filled with the intention to do you harm. I could never blame you for setting up those guards. But what was really amiable was that despite this knowledge, you never let this sick feeling in your chest ruin you. You had every reason to distrust, but never once have I seen you turn away a sick man. Even if it was a dying man you could always find it in yourself to make his last moments as comfortable as possible. You gave people hope when hope seemed nonexistent.
I never knew there were people like that in the world.
So when I first met you I found it strange that you would warn an enemy. When I first came I yelled and I threatened and I'm sure I waved my weapon around, but you just looked at me and told me that I was in over my head.
I wonder, what possessed you to speak those words? I was part demon and you lived to destroy us and our evil intentions. It must have been those eyes of yours again, those dark eyes that can always penetrate whatever front I put up.
I feel guilty and I feel mad that you never killed me when you had the chance. When I first came, you had the reason and the opportunity to kill me, but you didn't. I'm sorry; if you had then maybe you would have lived.
I can't seem to get out of the habit of 'what ifs.' Despite my new understanding, it's still almost impossible to face you. But I owe it to you; I owe you everything in me.
At first I was angry. Your coolness, how you never seemed to feel threatened by me. It was a blow to my ego. You were some human and it was my understanding that creatures weaker than you should always feel compelled to be fearful. Why were you so different?
Well, it was like that at first, but then things started to change so subtly that I hadn't even realized what was happening. It was something that I couldn't quite explain.
So I watched you. I didn't like to feel stupid, and you had unknowingly done so.
You surprised me. It was strange seeing someone always making others happiness their top priority. It was strange to see someone never turn away a stranger in need or spend time with kids, treating them like their opinion mattered. To me it was just mindless chatter, but you always had so much patience in you and so many stories to tell. Did you know? Did you know that I listened to every lesson you taught and every word you spoke that was filled with so much understanding and wisdom? I'm sure you did. Sometimes when they asked you questions, you always looked up to my spot in the tree every so often and answered them like the questions were coming from my mouth.
Like I said, it was strange seeing someone give so much when I grew up with everything taken away.
Pretty soon I started to come so often that I hadn't realized I had been judging my days by the time you woke up to start your chores to the time you went to bed. And then I realized that I had forgotten why I was there in the first place. I can be very determined, and I was shocked to find that you had somehow found a way to deter me from my original goal.
I may be half demon with excellent hearing and eyesight, but somehow you taught me how to see things from a different perspective. Sure, we spoke a few words, but it was when I watched you that I really began to wonder. I'm an excellent observer. After spending my life as an outcast, always watching instead of participating, I became good at sitting out and studying the different kinds of people around me.
The jewel, being my originally purpose, was never really far from my mind. It was always dangling from your neck. And then it drew me to the person carrying the object. And pretty soon I started wondering how it came to be with you in the first place.
You fought demon after demon, each time risking your life just to protect something that you had no use for. But you did it anyway; you did it because you knew that no one else could. What kind of person does it take to guard something so selflessly? You were the most unselfish person I knew and when I first realized your burden I was taken aback. That was why looked like a statue. When could you have let your guard down when you always had to protect yourself?
Your life wasn't easily. You were constantly in danger trying to protect this powerful object that was entrusted to you. There was so much beauty in you. I wondered if you ever felt bitter when you realized how suddenly your life had been snatched away. You dedicated your life protecting something that could destroy lives. Did you realize that? Did you realize how many lives you secured against your neck?
You wanted to be a mother. You wanted a family. I saw it every time you looked at the kids in the village. You noticed every sad smile and as a healer, treated every bad cut. It wasn't just a job for you; it was what you wanted in life. But all that was taken away.
We had so much in common. We both feel deprived of the life we thought we deserved. But who are we to judge this? Who are we to know what we deserve? I grew up without hope and without the love that had been so suddenly taken away from me. What did you have to hope for?
Maybe you found companionship in me like I found in you.
We were so alike. I think with each other, I felt like I had an ally. You were my ally in a world where people are cruel. For once it wasn't just me against everyone else, it was us, together, and somehow that made things so much easier. I guess any amateur with no experience with the feeling of love could confuse it with something else. But what I felt with you was the most real thing that I had ever shared. It was something I could believe in when all I saw were lies and deceit.
After I discovered this, I didn't feel like I had to stay away from you. Suddenly you didn't seem so untouchable and I could talk to you without boundaries or explanations because you understood.
You wanted an escape, and I wanted a home. I guess we found that in each other.
You asked me what I was looking for when I first came here after the jewel. I told you I wanted to become something so powerful that no one would be able to defeat me, something that would be feared. I remember your face then, it was the first look of pity that you ever gave me and I'll always remember the look in your eyes. You recognize my wish for what it was: I didn't want to be hurt again. I wanted to become something powerful that had no weaknesses and no vulnerability, something that couldn't never be criticized or hurt.
Then you were quiet and I wondered what was going on in your head. After a moment you just lifted your head to the sky and then turned your eyes to me. I saw pain and regret. I hadn't realized it at the time, but you were warning me. You knew that this jewel could bring as much pain to my life as it had done to yours. And you were right. In the end, it destroyed us both.
I'd like to say that it was the stupid jewel that brought all that mess, and it would be so easily to blame it all on Naraku, but now I realize that I can't. We both made so many mistakes and let our insecurities blind us from what really mattered. We were still so young and unsure of our relationship towards each other and we let ourselves be fooled.
It hurt. God Kikyou, it hurt so bad when you shot me with that arrow. But when I saw the look in your eyes I just wanted to die. Never before had I seen so much hatred in your eyes and I was so confused. Why was all this directed at me? I felt betrayed because you were supposed to be different. After opening myself that way, thinking you were different, it was a complete shock to see the same look in your eyes that has followed me my whole life. That look still keeps me awake at nights.
Suddenly my only ally had gone, and it was just me again. Suddenly it was just me against the world and this time I wasn't sure if I would survive by myself.
When I finally awoke it was a slap in the face to see this girl standing before that was wearing your face. After that moment passed I was surprised to even be alive and after I found our how we had been deceived I wished that you killed me and I hated you for it. I hated that you left me with all this pain and confusing emotions that I couldn't handle.
But then this girl, Kagome, the one who I mistook for you, she became a distraction from my feelings. After I got to know her, living became a little more bearable. I was wary, after what happened to us, of course I was wary. But she was always there, giving me so much, and because she asked for nothing in return I found myself wanting to give more.
But like I said before, this isn't about her. I just want you to know that I have been able to move past my bitterness. Without it weighing me down I can think clearly again, and that's what brought me here today.
I came here to ask for forgiveness and try to heal this rift that has come between us.
But now that I'm here, how am I supposed to make amends with the dead? Spirits are naturally bitter creatures. You're stuck with the feelings you died with. How do I change that, how do I make you feel love when you died feeling hatred? I know you feel remorse, I know you feel deprived. But so do I. You forget; we were both affected by what happened that day.
I got to you just as much as you got to me. I understand now, why you blame me for what happened to you rather than Naraku. This shield you kept up; I slipped through. And even though you built it so strong and for so long, I managed to get in. It must have felt unnerving at first, I'm sure. You're a strong person. And you were mad that I had somehow managed to defeat these strongholds when no one else could. You knew that with me you were vulnerable, but you were willing to take the chance because you had been alone for so long.
And in the end it killed you. Your vulnerability of me killed you. Naraku may have spilt your blood, but I was the one that got under your skin and my betrayal and your vulnerability convinced you to give up on life. I caused that vulnerability and I am guilty.
How can I make you love again, trust again, when the last time you opened yourself that way, it killed you? I think the only way I could do that is to take away all those moments we had. If all the talks we shared never happened, then you would still be remote and cold of feeling. Then maybe you wouldn't have been distracted when Naraku struck. Maybe you would have sensed his evil instead of my love.
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry because even if it meant dieing, I don't think I would survive without those special memories locked in my head. I'm not sure, if given the chance that I could take back those moments.
So what can I say that will make this feeling go away? I have just opened myself to you completely, and I'm still trying to find some magical words that will make this awkward feeling go away.
I just. . .
I always trusted who you were, Kikyou. And I still believe in who you are. You're Kikyou. You're the first person to make me believe in things again. You showed me how to feel and how to live. I don't care how many sould you had to steal to keep you hatred alive, I don't care about all the mistakes you made. I will always remember you for the kind person that you were.
Nothing else matters.
I wish you could forgive me. For everything I have said and haven't said, everything you gave me and I didn't return. I don't care if you hate me for eternity, I don't care about the things you have done or haven't done. Just know that before you I had never cared for anyone as I much as I did.
I love you Kikyou. I love you so much that every time I hear your name it's like a sword being twisted in my gut. I love you for saving me and for making me the person I am today.
But I'm in love with someone else. Do you see now, why I came here today? Do you see that I have to let you go?
I should have died. I should have died with you! But she makes me believe in second chances, and I know that the good person that is still in you still believes it too.
I will never forget you or the things you've done for me. But now I need to move on and not let this guilt consume me.
So I'm letting you go now. I pray that you will be able to someday remember my name without hate and without regret. May you find peace, Kikyou. You deserve it more than anyone I know.
He walked away from the tree and the gray stone that marked the rest place of a spirit that was finally able to forget.
"Inuyasha."
The quiet voice made him turn around. He gave a mournful smile and approached the owner unguarded. She lifted her small hand and gently brushed the water from his cheeks.
"You took an awfully long time; I was getting worried."
"I'm sorry," he said, "I just—"
"--It's okay, Inuyasha," she interrupted, "Take as long as you need. I will always be here waiting."
This time his smile was grateful. He picked up her hand in a gesture of thankfulness and they walked together back to camp.
No regrets.
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End