WARNING: THIS IS MUCH DIFFERENT THAN ANYTHING ELSE I HAVE WRITTEN. DO NOT READ THIS EXPECTING A HAPPY ENDING. DO NOT READ THIS EXPECTING SMUT. DO NOT READ THIS EXPECTING GOOD THINGS.
Seriously though, this has dark thoughts and scenes, alcohol abuse, suicide, unrequited love. There is very little about this story that is happy. If you are sensitive to ANY of the above situations that I have listed, don't read this story. Ain't nobody got time for flames because y'all didn't read the author's notes. This will remain a oneshot because there is literally nowhere interesting I could take this.
Last but not least, I hope you enjoy reading this. It's inspired by the song In Any Other World by Mika. Hence the lyrics in bold scattered throughout the story.
XX, Willow
EDIT 3/11/14: Since I posted this, I was informed that I could not have the lyrics scattered through the story. The lyrics have since been replaced with one of the page break line thingies. . Sorry for the inconvenience, it irked me too.
Everyone was bustling around her, all smiles and congratulations. She was beaming, her left hand being gripped, admired and passed on to the next friend wishing to celebrate her engagement. It was so long in coming, they all said. They all knew it was going to happen eventually. His brothers playfully batted his shoulder, chastising him for waiting so long. Remus on the other hand hung in the background, hands buried deeply in his pockets. Somehow, either by some grace of god or some torment of Satan, her eyes met his. And he was just a tick too slow masking his feelings.
Eventually, the hubbub had died down and she was able to separate herself from the fray.
"Remus?" her soft voice drifted towards him.
His eyes snapped up to hers, his morose thoughts being forcefully pushed back behind his mental barriers.
"Hm?"
Her soft golden eyes held a pity within them that made him wince.
"Are you alright?" Her voice was dripping with concern that made him nauseous.
"Oh yes, yes. Quite," He said casually, the corner of his mouth turning up. "And how rude of me, I haven't offered my congratulations. I wish you and Ron all the best, Hermione."
She smiled and blushed prettily, head ducking down in modesty.
"Thank you, Remus. That means so much to me. To us, Ron and I."
Remus cast his eyes to the floor, embarrassment and hurt mixing together in his heart. He cleared his throat as he reached for his tumbler of firewhiskey. He'd taken up drinking it ever since Sirius… Well, ever since Harry's fifth year. The harsh reminder that he was the last man alive of his very best friends stabbed like a knife through his chest and he took a deep pull on his whiskey.
"Remus." Golden eyes pierced his amber ones once again, wisdom beyond her years perceiving his emotions. "I'm sorry. I know this must be difficult for you since Tonks-"
"I'm fine," he lied quickly. "I'm just tired. The full moon is tomorrow. I'm fine." He attempted to smile at her which came out more like a grimace before tossing back his whiskey and setting the glass on the counter.
"Honestly, Hermione I'm fine. Let's celebrate your engagement, shall we?" He gently took her elbow, turning her back towards the table where Molly was laying the table full of food and treats in celebration of her youngest son's impending nuptials.
The remainder of the evening surrounded questions about the wedding.
"Where will it be held?"
"At the burrow, obviously. That's where Bill and Fleur were married, Charlie and Daniella, George and Angelina, Harry and Ginny. It's only right that Ron and Hermione marry there as well."
"What will the colors be?"
"Well, red because of our Gryffindor loyalties."
"We haven't made decisions on much yet."
"Do you have any ideas for the flowers?"
"I know a brilliant baker who could do your cake for you."
"Hermione, you must let me know the instant you choose a dress."
Remus sat all the while, a false smile plastered over a shattering heart. In silence, he allowed his mind to flow through memories of the last few years. Since the war, Hermione had gone to great lengths to care for him. It was she who came to him the night they found Dora's body, and again when they found Teddy's. It was Hermione who came and stayed with him until he sobered up after drinking himself into a stupor, cleaning him up and making him presentable. It was Hermione who listened to his heartbroken rambling, who came when he couldn't sleep in the night for the nightmares, who picked him up and put the pieces back together.
Hermione was the first one to stop treating him like he was made out of glass. She would start conversations with him, sit with him for hours talking about a text she was working with at work, a spell they both knew she knew just as much about as he did, some gossip that she had known weeks ago that he simply hadn't heard of. Hermione was the one who ensured that he took his wolfsbane potion every month so he would do less damage to himself. It was Hermione who would clean his wounds the morning after. It was entirely due to her ministrations that he came back from the brink and started to live his life again.
"A toast," Harry said, rising from his end at the table and silencing the room with his words. Remus was jarred roughly back to the present, remembering that he was here to celebrate, not mourn. Everyone raised their glasses, eyes turned to the bespectacled young man before them. "To Ron and Hermione. My two best mates, the two people most deserving of happiness, joy and love. Congratulations. To Ron and Hermione!"
"To Ron and Hermione!" Everyone chanted back, glasses lifting in the air before taking deep pulls on their drinks. Remus' reaction was just a tad too slow, unnoticed by all except a pair of golden eyes that saw entirely too much.
As the night wore on, he came to a realisation. This was the end. This was the end of the relationship he had with Hermione. She would be Ron's wife. She wouldn't be able to come and tend to him whenever he needed her. That would go to her husband. She wouldn't have as much spare time anymore to sit in the library and think through theories. She would be too busy being a homemaker and tending to her children and being a wife.
This was the end of something greater. This was the nail in the coffin. Any chance that he may have had with her is now officially over, sealed with that rock on her finger. He didn't want to admit it to anyone. Anyone he would want to admit it to was long dead. She brought him back to life, patched him up using a piece of her own goodness and love. It wasn't something that he could easily escape from and if he wanted to be completely honest with himself, it was fairly obvious that this is what everything would come to. In spite of all that, his old, battered heart fell for her anyway.
And now, the world as he knew it was coming to an end.
Remus said his farewells, casually avoiding giving his congratulations to Ron before Flooing to his flat. He could hardly consider the place a home. Not since Teddy was kidnapped from here and Dora had died trying to get him back. Now it was just a tomb of old memories and leftover pizza boxes. Without turning any of the lights on, he stumbled across the room to the case of firewhiskey Sirius had gotten him for his birthday before he died. It was his idea of a joke, Remus supposed. His old friend knew he never drank much but the note attached to it said "In case of war, burn the fuckers down."
Empty bottles were scattered around the room and Remus pulled out another full bottle and twisted the top off. He looked briefly for a clean glass and shrugged as he poured the amber liquid into his mouth, savoring the familiar burn.
The first one, all the way to the left was a picture of him and Dora on their wedding day. It wasn't a large affair by any means but the people they cared about most had been in attendance. It was a day full of love and happiness. Dora had looked more beautiful there than he thought he'd ever seen her.
The next one was a picture of the three of them on the day that Teddy was born. Dora had been exhausted, Teddy had been a small, wrinkled, bawling mass of pink and Remus hadn't been more in love with anything as he'd been in that moment.
Next to that was the first time his son had ever been on a broomstick. He would never forget the screaming, joyous giggles of a child so innately and immediately in love with something. He couldn't help but think that if James and Sirius were here, they would have shown his son the ropes of Quidditch, raced him around the treeline and been the best uncles that a little boy could ever have wanted.
Second to the right was a picture that Peter must have snapped at Hogwarts. There were the three Marauders decked out in their Gryffindor red, arms around one another and grinning like fools. They'd clearly come from a Quidditch game and from the looks of it, their house had won. It was a rare moment of happiness for them before the world did them all in.
And last, a picture he snapped of Hermione, curled up on a window seat with a book in her hands. The sun was streaming through the window in a way that made her curls light up like a flame, creating a halo around her like an angel. One hand absently twisted a curl around her finger as her teeth sunk into her lip. It was the most beautiful he'd ever seen her.
His heart shattered a little bit, looking at all these pictures, remembering the people who would never be in his life again. Memories that were meant to bring him joy only brought him unimaginable pain. Bringing the bottle to his lips, he took four deep pulls on it before letting it down for breath.
He didn't want to remember anymore. He didn't want the pain of it because no matter what goodness there was, he would always see them in their last moment. He'd been the one to find Dora sprawled on her back in the forest nearly burnt beyond recognition. He'd seen Sirius struck with that spell and flung back beyond that cursed veil. He'd seen Teddy's little body strung up by the sick, sadistic followers of a demon, clearly tortured before receiving his final fate. He remembered seeing the remains of James and Lily's home and knowing what had become of them too.
His life was too haunted for anyone to remain sane at the end of it. Two wars, every person he'd loved in his life dead, the last person that his heart dared to feel anything for was now marrying another man. It was the last thing, the last straw for his war weary soul. The only difference now was that there was no one to help patch him together.
Weeks slipped slowly into months. The drapes were never pulled back, nothing was ever tidied up. He hardly even left his chair. Absently he realized that eventually, his whiskey supply would run out and he should probably invest in getting some more but that would require him to dress and leave his flat which he was not nearly sober enough to do. Instead, he opted to remain where he was and drink until at last he ran out. Or until his liver gave up on him. Whichever came first.
He hadn't seen head nor hide of Hermione for nearly as long as he'd isolated himself. He imagined that she was far too busy with wedding plans to be able to stop by and deal with the sorry excuse of a man that he'd become. Not that she would have been able to get in even if she did show up. He'd sealed his Floo off after Molly Weasley had called him and chastised him for the keep of his flat.
"Oh, Remus you really should clean up a bit. Empty bottles and boxes everywhere. This is no way to live!"
"Whoever said I was living, Molly?" He'd slurred at her before abruptly shutting his floo off in her face. He knew that he was probably going to hear about that later but he was too drunk to care at that point. He hadn't heard from anyone since.
Tap tap tap.
Remus' head spun around toward the window.
"Whaddyawan," he muttered as he heaved himself from his chair, pulling back the drapes and squinting in the brightness of day. An owl sat on his windowsill clutching an envelope in its beak. Remus took it and shut the window again as the bird took off again without waiting for payment or response. Retreating back to his cave, he glared at the paper between his fingers before realizing that it had Hermione's neat scrawl across the front. Without another moment of hesitation, he ripped the seal off the back and began to read.
It was the invitation to the wedding.
It was to be held at the Burrow sometime in September. Remus had no idea what the current date was so he couldn't even imagine how far in the future that was. With a grunt, Remus drank half a bottle of whiskey in one go and waited until his mind blurred and he no longer felt pain.
Hermione peered through the window to the back garden, looking over the heads of people in attendance. She saw nearly everyone she cared about down there. Nearly.
"Ginny, I don't see him."
"Well in your defense, no one has really seen him. It's been months, Hermione. He's dropped off the face of the planet."
"I should have gone to see him. You know how he gets when he's upset."
"You have been working double shifts for two months and planning a wedding and dealing with my mother micromanaging all of your plans and Ron not doing a damn thing to help you. You've been more than swamped. And anyway, Harry tried to see him more than once and couldn't get in at all. The Floo had been disconnected, the doors were magically and physically barricaded. You probably wouldn't have been able to get in even if you did go over there."
"I know, but-"
"No buts. You are not to worry about anyone today. You didn't do all this work just to have it all fall to the wayside because Remus might be missing. You don't know, maybe he's just in the toilet right now."
"I suppose you're right," Hermione murmured, turning from the window.
"You look so beautiful," Ginny whispered. Hermione smiled at her best friend and took her hand.
"It's time."
"You ready?"
"Absolutely."
He wasn't going to question what god had intervened to sober him up enough to allow him to be able to dress and make it to the wedding in one piece. He also wasn't going to question how he didn't smell like a distillery. No one seemed to notice anything different about him other than that he looked a bit peaked.
"Just getting over a bit of a cold," he'd lied smoothly with a smile. And now he sat in the last row waiting for this hellish day to be over. At that moment, the string quartet began to play and everyone rose. There, silhouetted in the doorway of the Burrow, was Hermione.
Her gown fitted her perfectly, tailored to her with a short train. It was all lace, slightly off the shoulder, her flowers a cascade of white, orange and yellow. Her veil was held in with a small pearl comb and she looked radiant. She glowed. She was even more beautiful than that picture on his mantle.
He knew that he should be pleased for her. He knew that he should be happy that she was happy. He knew that she didn't do this for him. Yet there was that small part of him, that tiny voice in the back of his mind that couldn't help but imagine that she was walking toward him with that look on her face, more beautiful than anyone had ever seen her before.
As she came down the back steps into the garden, her eyes met his and she smiled even larger than before. That smile, she had always reserved for him and it made his heart swell. Maybe there was hope after all. Maybe she would stop this whole thing because she's finally realized that it's not Ron that she loves, but Remus. Maybe-
No. That's not reality. That's the twisted hope of a horribly lost man. She was walking past him now and on toward the man she was actually going to spend the rest of her life with. The man she actually loved, not a half beast drunk who was nothing but a bother to everyone he knew.
The ceremony passed in a blur and all Remus could think about was whether or not there would be firewhiskey at the reception and how he could escape as soon as possible. He didn't want to be around these people who were so happy and joyous and selfless. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to drown. He wanted to get out of absolutely everything involving his pathetic excuse of an existence.
The crowd around him applauded as Hermione and her new husband kissed. They beamed as they retreated down the aisle and back into the house. The wedding guests moved over to a beautiful white tent just over the garden wall for the reception. Remus made a beeline to the bar and got a double. The liquid seared his throat and soothed his mind. Within minutes, Ron and Hermione entered to yet more thunderous applause. Dancing and eating ensued, music that pounded into Remus' skull made him want to kill. Finally, the time came to cut the cake. He smiled at the appropriate moments, raised his glass to the happiness of the couple and dodged conversation as best as he could.
He'd stayed long enough.
With a final swig, he emptied his glass and slipped out into the darkness.
"Remus!" Her crystal clear voice rang out across the lawn making him pause. He was grateful now that it was pitch dark out here, away from the tent. She wouldn't be able to see his face. He roughly cleared his throat as he waited for her to catch up to him.
"Hermione. Congratulations. I apologize for having to leave early, I haven't been feeling well lately."
"You've been drinking again," she said matter-of-factly. Bugger, she didn't even need to see his face to know that. His silence just confirmed it.
"I know I should have tried to visit you the last few months. I've been so busy with the wedding and work I couldn't find the time. I wanted to, Remus. I did."
"I know. It's alright, Hermione. I always knew that you wouldn't be able to devote your life to me forever. And it's entirely unfair of me to ask you to. No one would want to constantly try to put an old man back together time and time again."
"No, Remus. That's not it at all. I just-"
"You don't need to find an excuse for me. I understand perfectly well. Go back to your reception. They'll be missing you." He turned away from her and began to walk off.
"Remus please," she grabbed his shirtsleeve and forced him to stop. She was scared to let him leave. She felt it in the depths of her heart that if she let him leave, she would never see him again. "Don't go."
His hand reached out and cupped her cheek. His thumb dragged across her lip as he tucked a loose curl behind her ear with his free hand.
"You have never been so beautiful as tonight. Truly, you are an angel." He felt her tears drip down her cheek and over his fingers. His thumb brushed the trail of wetness away as he leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. Her breath caught in her chest as his lips, warm and soft, plied against hers.
As quickly as it began, he pulled away and tears fell from Hermione's eyes. He'd said his final goodbye to her. She wouldn't ever be seeing him again.
"Remus! Remus, please. Please don't go!" she called to his retreating form. He turned a few metres away and took in her beauty one last time.
"I love you." His form faded into the darkness and only the crack of apparation told her he was well and truly gone.
It wasn't until the next morning when Harry, Neville, George and Charlie went to Remus' flat and practically blown the door off its hinges that they found him. He was sitting in his chair before his fireplace, facing the pictures of the people he loved. Resting against his leg was the picture of Hermione on the windowsill, his fingers still wrapped around the frame. By his foot was the empty poison vial that had finally given him the peace he longed for.
His funeral was held the next weekend. He was buried beside Tonks and Teddy beneath the Weeping Willow tree that had just begun to shed its golden leaves. There were only a few people in attendance but enough to decorate the grave with flowers. Hermione stood by the graveside, tears coursing down her cheeks with a bouquet of peonies held in her hands.
A few weeks later, she received a letter in the post. It was from an attorney that Remus had apparently hired to execute his last will and testament. There wasn't much but there was something left for her. Behind the lawyer's letter was another envelope. On the front in his ever familiar scrawl was her name. With tears in her eyes, she read.
My dearest Hermione,
I want to believe that you'll grieve for me. I want to imagine that you will shed tears for me because deep in your heart you felt the same way I do. Those days we spent in the library talking for hours were the best of my life. You picked me up, you put me back together, you taught me to love again. I never thought I would, after Dora and Teddy. But you, somehow you burrowed into my heart and made me love you.
I am an old man. Haunted by the memories of my family and friends, all long dead. You brought light and beauty to my last months and for that I will be forever grateful.
Don't blame yourself. I know you probably will. There were too many ghosts in my life for me to want to stay where I was. All the people I ever loved in my life are dead, you being the only exception. But now you can't be expected to care for me any longer. You have a husband. You will have children. You don't have space in your life for a broken old man anymore.
I will love you until my very last breath.
Remus
Yup, told you it wasn't going to be happy. I hope you enjoyed it anyway!
XX, Willow