I'm Gonna Smile
I'm gonna smile for you, even if it kills me, because I know that you will never be mine. I know now, that I am nothing but a friend to you. And that, my dear, is what kills me most.
XX
Your laughter was all I knew in that moment. Your voice rang like a million bells, like a thousand tiny voices that all sang in joyous harmony. It was so beautiful, so simply thrilling, that I could hardly contain my smile. I suppose, no matter what, I would always smile for you. Just for you.
In that moment, I knew your laughter was nothing but genuine. You were staring at her with the biggest smile on your face, your arm (I could see) was aching to grab her and pull her close. She was talking in that high voice of hers, the one she always uses when she's around you. Oh, no, my dear, you must have noticed…. She uses that voice around every guy.
You are nothing special. Just to me.
I could never bring myself to tell you, though. You were too far in love, too far into her to care what she did. Everything I said these days was too trivial to break your reverie. Even though she did not deserve your smile or laughter…she did not deserve your kisses. She deserved nothing of what you gave her.
You exist on this planet. I must try to ignore it.
Yet, here you come, over to me, your face still pinned in the last joke you laughed with her about. I smile, even though my heart is breaking. I would smile for him even if I was on my last dying breath. "Hey," you say, and I don't have time to respond before you pull me into a hug.
I see your girlfriend glaring at me, and I only smile back. I'm in your arms, and for a moment I forget I'm not yours. It ends suddenly when you pull back, and I'm left to cope with the butterflies in my stomach. "Hey," I manage to respond.
"Where have you been?" he asks me. Right here, I want to say. I've been here the whole time.
"Oh…places," I say.
You smile down at me, and I think for a moment that it might be spotted by the whole world. Your smile could light the whole world, your eyes right along side it. At times I wonder if anyone could survive without your smile, but then I realize that it's only me. But I don't think I deserve the whole sun.
I smile back, once more, as big as I can manage, before you turn away. You go right back to her.
XX
"Kory…don't say anything for a minute, ok?" you say to me. I feel like shouting into the phone. I haven't said a word so far.
"Okay," I say, just to reassure him.
"Well…you know Barbra, right?" you say. I murmur a yes, because once again I feel like yelling. "She…well, we got into a fight. We broke up."
I can hear your voice cracking. I want to cry, too, because I can't stand to see you do it. You can't break my sun.
"Oh, Richard…I'm so sorry. What happened?" I say in full sincerity.
"She said I wasn't spending enough time with her," you say. "I told her I had other things to do, too, and she got mad. Said she didn't want to be with…well, someone like me."
I don't know what to say to you. Tears are running down my face now, dripping off the edges of my skin. No one, absolutely no one, can say they don't want you. I wanted to punch Barbra, I truly did. I've waited years for you, and she just throws you away? I could feel myself reaching out, pulling you out of the trash. I press your crumpled body against mine, and I kiss you until you're soaked. I want you, Richard, I want you….
"She doesn't deserve you," I say, my voice cracking too.
"Kory…," you say, sounding concerned. "Are you crying?"
No, no, no. I'm not crying. My sun is just shriveling up, that's no reason to cry, right? I mean, we can survive without a heart, so why not a sun? "No, Richard."
"Yes you are," you say, and I realize how obvious I've been. I'm sniffling at this very moment.
"Well…so are you," I mutter.
So, you change the subject. I follow along pointlessly, just content to listen to your soft voice. I don't care what you're saying.
XX
Today, you have a new girl on your arm. I should not have been so selfish to think that I would be chosen this time. It would be selfish to take your warmth away, I suppose. Everyone deserves to have a sun. Even if I need it more than anyone.