Jeremy Gilbert was alive but he didn't feel deserving of it. Guilt gnawed at him when he thought of Bonnie's sacrifice; how she died the way he feared she would: overcome by her magic.
It had all been for him too, and now he was here and she was over there and there was nothing he could do to bring her back. If he had known he would have stopped her, would have made her see sense, that it wasn't worth it, that him staying on the other side was right and natural, that it was as right as her living and going to college with her friends and having a happy, long life. But now he was here and she was over there. Words she had used when they had argued over the danger she was putting herself in with her magic came to mind as if his brain was conspiring against him to make him feel worse
"Do you think I was born with these powers to float feathers and light candles?" no but you weren't born to kill yourself with them either. It had been 6 days since he had found her body and 7 since he found out she had died. The days following her death, Jeremy had been on edge, constantly watching his words. He was afraid of letting something slip and disrespecting Bonnie's last wish of her friends not knowing until it was absolutely necessary. Sometimes though the temptation to just break down and cry was almost too much, especially when Elena babbled on happily about college and how it was just the fresh start she, Bonnie and Caroline needed. He wanted to tell her so badly just so he would have someone to talk to about, but he knew he couldn't, he couldn't tell anyone yet and had been spending as much alone as possible for the past few days as possible. If he couldn't talk about it he'd rather be alone to alone to wallow in it.
When he had found her, he had been surprised to see how serene she looked. She could almost have been asleep, or-as there had been some blood around her nose-passed out from using too much magic. Jeremy wished she had been. He had gotten as close as he could without actually touching her, before sinking to his knees. He was almost afraid to touch her, to touch her would be to feel that the body in front him was actually Bonnie and this was actually real and not just some nightmare. He had eventually plucked up the courage to move closer and pick up her. He had come at night, and he could only hope that the area looked deserted as it seemed. After he had put Bonnie gently into the trunk of his car, he drove without paying much attention to where he was going. When he finally started paying attention to his surroundings he realised he had drove to a spot not far from the witch house. It wouldn't be so bad, burying her here, would it? He had thought to himself, fear and doubt causing him to grip the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles whitened. He didn't want to open the trunk and see Bonnie's serene face staring back at him. But he had to, and taking a deep breath he prepared himself for what he had to do. A week later he still felt a sick feeling in his stomach when he thought of Bonnie in ground, covered over with dirt, her face permanently frozen in a blank stare.
She promised they could talk all the time due to Jeremy's ability, but he hadn't heard from her in the week since she passed. He had started to worry that maybe he had lost his ability since Bonnie brought him back life but He didn't like that idea so he shoved it to the back of his mind and didn't let the idea take hold. The idea he might not be able to even talk to her anymore is one he can't bear just yet.
Bonnie had only formed a vague picture in her head of what the afterlife would like. When she was a kid she had imagined a place full of light and angels. When she got a bit older she just imagined a paradise where everyone was at peace. Recently, she had starting hoping just for a place where people were at peace, even if it wasn't exactly a paradise.
The place she had ended up after she crossed over with grams was not a paradise, though it was beautiful place. A forest that bordered a lake surrounded by a wood cabins with spacious porches and contemporary interiors. grams informed her though, that it wasn't always like that, some days it was beach resort, other times it just resembled a normal town. It all depended on Qetsiyah's mood.
Bonnie was not unhappy there but she wasn't entirely happy either. A part of her still felt that she belonged back over there, back with her friends, getting ready for college, enjoying summer. But she tried to not give that part too much power because it made her feel something that was an awful lot like regret. How terrible would that be? To regret that she had given Jeremy back his life? Really, she was happy that he was alive, but she wished it wasn't paid for with her life.
In the week since she had crossed over to the other side, she had a lot of time to think about what had happened. She remembered the rush of power she felt before she cast that spell that brought Jeremy back, how she felt for just a moment that she could have what she wanted. A rush of power so overpowering it caused her to ignore her grams warnings. It scared when she thought about it sometimes, that she could feel so powerful yet so out of control at the same time.
As she laid down on the bed in the cabin she shared with her grams, she wondered what her friends were doing. Were they going to parties? Were they hanging out in the grill? Worrying about going to college in the fall? Were they worrying about her? She wondered did they know what really happened or had Jeremy told the lie she told him to. She wondered if he was ok and safe. She wasn't ready yet to do anything but wonder. She couldn't go and watch them and she couldn't go and talk to Jeremy like he promised. She didn't want to go and be hit in the face with what she lost, she couldn't bear it. Bonnie had not finished mourning her own life, So she stayed where she was, putting the pieces of herself back together.