A/N: New story time! This is the first story I've written and completed since being home, haha. I hope y'all enjoy it! Many thanks to the people who helped encourage me and push me while I worked on this, it truly means a lot to me ^^
Warnings: Language, un-betaed
Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji
The loud clamoring of people filled the hallway, drowning out the softest of voices and threatening to smother even the noisiest. Laughter joined the chorus, groups of friends passing through the crowds, making the noise even louder.
It left Ciel cringing slightly as he dug through his locker for his English book. He did his best to ignore the floating gossip that came from a group of underclassmen near his locker. So long as it wasn't about him, Ciel didn't care. Tongues would wag no matter what. It was typical school – or human for that matter – behavior.
He glanced over his shoulder as lockers clanged together. From the corner of his eye, he could see one student shoving another up against the metal lockers. Another usual behavior in the life of teens. Although if Ciel had to admit it, it didn't happen as often as the movies or television shows portrayed.
He winced in sympathy as the unfortunate soul met the lockers again, before looking away, not bothering to get himself involved. If anyone noticed him watching, they would call him out and Ciel would find himself up against the lockers as well. And Ciel preferred to avoid any situation involving those bigger than him. Especially when the culprits were hot headed football players letting off steam in between classes.
Ciel slammed the locker shut with a quiet grunt at the thought. That wasn't the best way to start the day in his opinion and he'd rather spend his precious spare time doing something more productive. Ciel glanced at the clock mounted in the hallway. He had at least a few minutes left to get to his next class and compare notes with Elizabeth over their latest assignment.
Shifting the book in his arm, Ciel walked through the hallway, dodging the clusters of students that clung together in random spots. They gathered near classrooms and lockers, all searching for a place to talk with their friends before the passing period ended.
All seeking a little freedom before the next fifty minutes of torture began.
Ciel sighed as he started to climb the steps to the second floor, his stomach growling despite the early hour. He had two more classes before lunch – two hours, but to Ciel's stomach, it felt like eternity.
Puffing slightly for breath once he reached the classroom, Ciel quickly entered the room and took his seat in front of Elizabeth. "I regret skipping breakfast," he said and rested his head on the desk.
"I told you it's a bad idea," Elizabeth said and brushed a long, blond curl over her shoulder. "Why do you have so much trouble waking up in the morning?"
Ciel stared at her. "Because I'm a teenage boy dealing with raging hormones," he said flatly and delighted in the pretty blush that touched her cheeks. "Do I need to continue?"
"Please don't," she said. Her nails drummed against the surface of her desk, blue and gold for school spirit, and then leaned back in her seat. "I told my mom that I'm going to college to be a veterinarian; not an engineer like she wants me to be."
"How'd she take that?" Ciel asked hesitantly. He knew all too well the long-standing debate between Elizabeth and her mother. Elizabeth's love of animals wanted to take her one way, but her mother's wishes - and demands - threatened to drag her another way.
Elizabeth frowned. "Not too well. She told me upfront that I would never make it and that I would regret it later on." Her eyes lowered. "I don't know what to do, Ciel. I really enjoy working at the veterinarian's office after school and I know that's what I want to do. But I want my mom to be proud of me too."
Ciel traced a random pattern on the desk. "Can't you do both? Do what you like and make her proud?" he asked. "Show her how good you are at what you do and then she'll have to feel proud of you."
"I wish it were that easy," Elizabeth mumbled as the bell rang.
Ciel winced but didn't say anything as he turned around to face the front. Their teacher quietly took attendance and Ciel's eyes darted to the front door, knowing it would burst open soon with a late comer. He busied himself with opening his textbook to the proper page written on the board, silently biding his time until the inevitable happened.
He didn't have to wait long and as he thought, the door opened and slammed against the wall. It bounced back slightly at the harsh treatment and the old door groaned in protest. Despite himself, Ciel jumped in his seat at the loud clamor and he glared at the newcomer.
"Claude," their teacher said, her face stern. "This is the third time you've been late for class this week."
"At least you can count on me to be consistent," Claude said as he strolled to his seat. "I have perfect attendance when it comes to being late."
The teacher frowned. "Yes. Sadly employers wouldn't consider that a redeeming quality and you'd be out of a job within the week."
Claude shrugged. "Their loss," he said and pushed up his glasses as he leaned back in his chair with a smug, confident smirk.
Ciel rolled his eyes as the rest of the class laughed quietly before their teacher quieted them. This wasn't anything new and by now, Ciel could almost predict how every class would begin. Claude never failed to show up late, only to counter it by arriving on time the following week.
Like an endless cycle, day in and day out. Ciel almost hoped that Claude would do something different, just to bring about a change in the monotonous phase. At least then, it would bring something new and interesting to the otherwise dull school days.
Blue eyes darted over to look at Claude, taking in the punk attire. Even that didn't change during the week, yet it suited Claude's attitude and personality – from what Ciel knew of him. At least he felt comfortable in what he wore, Ciel mused.
His stomach rumbled softly and Ciel groaned to himself as he turned away from Claude. He leaned over to reach into his bag for his water, hoping the drink would trick his stomach into settling down. At the front of the classroom, the teacher continued to talk about their latest reading assignment from Macbeth, quoting key sections that would appear on the test.
He waited for her to finish before raising his hand and asking if he could fill up his water bottle. She let him go and Ciel graciously slipped into the hallway. Already, he wanted nothing more than for his class to end, despite it having just started. It didn't help that he had less than a year left of high school before he graduated and then rushed out into the world head on. Already, senioritis threatened to overwhelm him and Ciel had trouble quelling the desire to spread his wings and escape everything.
He wandered down the hallway, taking his time to get to the water fountain and enjoying the open hall. The school always became a little more tolerable when the hallways didn't teem with dozens of students trying to force their way around each other. Without the mass amount of bodies surrounding him, Ciel absently eyed the fliers on the wall that promoted various upcoming events.
The winter dance was several weeks away, but the student council already announced tickets. Ciel rolled his eyes and rounded a corner, bypassing the nearest water fountain for one in another hallway. He passed more flyers, their colors standing out easily against the dull gray stone that made up the walls and Ciel absently ran his fingers over the smooth wall.
Another corner and a splash of bright yellow caught his eye. Ciel paused, doing a double take at the row of lockers on the wall; uncertain if his mind played tricks on him. He retraced his steps to the edge of the corner and stared at the top of the lockers, eyes narrowing as they searched for the color he saw earlier.
"Weird," he murmured and backed up a few paces so he could see the rest of the lockers.
A few seconds later, he spotted the yellow piece of paper, just above locker number 624. Curiosity piqued, Ciel approached the locker and stood on his tiptoes in an attempt to reach the paper. His fingers just brushed against the paper and Ciel cursed his short stature – vertically challenged, as Elizabeth so lovingly reminded him every so often.
Ciel dropped to his feet with a sigh, his fingers covered with a thick layer of dust and nothing more. He glared at the top of the lockers and for added measures, flicked them off before stomping away.
"Was probably nothing anyway," he grumbled and jabbed at the button on the water fountain.
Cool water arched into the air and Ciel quickly filled the bottle to the top. He capped it and then took a sip from the fountain to quench any thirst that might come up while he walked back. Anything to help drag out the minutes until he had to sit in his English class again.
Slowly, Ciel walked back to his room, humming a song under his breath. And pointedly ignoring the row of lockers that held the damnable piece of paper. He passed them without another look back and felt successful in his attempt to quell his curiosity.
But after five steps, Ciel found himself doubling back - unable to stop the burning desire to know what the paper was. Because it wasn't just a piece of paper, rather someone had folded it into an origami bird and tossed it on top of the lockers.
That alone drove Ciel forward and flamed the inquisitiveness that grasped him.
He stopped in front of the lockers and bent his knees before jumping up. His legs smashed against the lockers and Ciel swore as his fingers brushed against the top of the locker. They bumped against the paper before gravity once more pulled Ciel to the ground.
His landing proved less than graceful and Ciel crumpled to the floor. A quick look around confirmed that thankfully, no one had seen his horrible landing and Ciel stood up before anyone did happen to see him.
Ciel brushed his hands off and leaned back down to pick up his water bottle, making it look as though he stopped to tie his shoes. At least the bottle didn't break when it tumbled from his hands. Small miracles, Ciel supposed. Although his cheeks still burned from his failed attempt and he glanced around again, checking to make sure no one saw his pathetic jump.
Yellow caught his eye as he looked down the hallway and Ciel straightened with a smile as he stared at the little paper bird that had caused him so much trouble. It sat innocently on the ground, resting lopsided with one wing pressed against the floor while the other pointed at an angle to the wall.
"I win," he said cheerfully to the bird.
He picked it up and examined it as he walked, noting faint black marks on the inside of the bird. They looked like words and Ciel wondered if it was someone's past homework. He pushed the thought aside and carefully placed the bird into his pocket to read later.
As much as he wanted to stop and read it now, his little trip to the water fountain had taken longer than he meant. Any longer, and his teacher would question what he was doing and possibly take away any future breaks. Ciel's stride lengthened and he hurried back to the classroom, pausing only briefly outside the room to compose himself.
As quietly as he could, Ciel slipped into the classroom and weaved through the rows of desks to take his seat. Elizabeth glanced up at him as he approached his chair and he could see her eyebrows furrow.
"What happened?" she whispered lowly as he eyes darted to the clock and then back to Ciel.
He shook his head at her and sat down, thankful that their teacher never once looked up from her desk.
Their assignment was on the board and Ciel pulled his book closer to him so he could get started. The folded bird though burned a hole in his pocket and Ciel's leg bounced impatiently. It made it near impossible to focus and he blew out a small puff of air. His bangs flew up briefly before settling and Ciel readjusted them before reaching into his pocket.
He took a second to look around the classroom, making sure that no one could see him. Everyone remained hunched over their books though, paying him no attention, and Ciel pulled the bird out. With slow and quiet movements, he unfolded the piece of paper and smoothed it out on his desk.
Black ink flowed across the paper in neat handwriting and Ciel shifted his book to cover the paper. He could already tell that this wasn't someone's homework and Ciel traced over the lines where the folds once were.
Blue eyes darted up to the clock, checking the time, and then back to his teacher. She remained busy grading papers and entering the grades into the computer. With any luck, she wouldn't catch him reading the note. Ciel could imagine what would happen if she made him read the paper aloud and he silently hoped nothing perverse or incriminating hid within the written words.
The yellow paper made it hard to hide and blend in with the rest of his papers, but Ciel couldn't stop now. He had come this far and after working so hard to acquire the bird, Ciel wanted to know more about it.
He only hoped it didn't turn into something mundane. Or even worse, a joke.
Number 47:
'Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.'
-Bertrand Russell
At times, I feel people have forgotten Mr. Russell's words and have tarnished the word of love. It's a pity that people toss about the word so easily - say it so effortlessly - yet never think about the weight it carries.
It's a heavy burden, to say that word. To mean it with all one's heart, from the very depths of the soul, and to speak it in honesty. I feel as though someone should only say it when they truly believe it.
I love you.
Three simple words, yet so heavy. So strong. So dangerous.
So fleeting.
I love you.
Three words that I yearn to say in my life, but I know I'll never get the chance. I can sit here now, on my bed and stare out the window, to the blue skies beyond the thick paned glass and only my reflection stares back at me. Only it shares the view with me.
Because I'm alone here, in this room. No one to share the view with; not even the person I admire from afar. And I know I'll never get the chance. Because despite my deepest desires, the two of us can never come together. He's over there and I'm here. Two different sides of the same coin, destined never to see the other.
But if I did, I wonder if I would have the courage to ask him to join me. To sit on the bed with me and watch another sunrise and then set. Even more, I wonder if I would find the courage within me to utter those three words.
I believe them, with all my heart, when I say 'I love you'. But knowing that he'll never return the feeling stills my lips and keeps the words sitting heavily on my tongue.
So I write the words and cast them out on paper instead. Written words that I scream on paper instead of in the air. All the while wondering, if I'll ever get to know what it's like to be loved.
Signed,
Ignotus
Ciel swallowed and looked up from paper. He gnawed on his lip and briefly, his eyes darted to the teacher, checking to make sure she hadn't noticed the letter. She hadn't moved and Ciel turned his attention back to the note.
It proved more insightful than Ciel first thought and he smoothed a hand over the page. His fingers brushed over the first line and traced the two words. 'Number 47.' Did it mean someone wrote others like this?
The thought made Ciel's head spin and his hand drifted down to the bottom of the page. Ignotus. He didn't know any student named Ignotus and his thoughts began to race before he could stop them.
What exactly had he just read? A love confession? A cry for help? Someone's diary?
All of the above?
Ciel leaned back in his chair as the possibilities rushed over him. Anyone could've written the letter and Ciel struggled to decide who could've best written it. In his mind, it sounded as though a female had written it, wanting to profess her love but unable to say the words aloud.
Although, Ciel rationalized quietly in his mind, a male could've just as easily written the letter. He should know better than anyone what it was like to be in the closet, even though he didn't exactly long for anyone the way the writer did.
Regardless of the gender though, Ciel felt a small frown tug at his lips. The writer sounded upset yet at the same time, Ciel thought they sounded wise. Insightful. The words flowed with a sense of passion, one that Ciel could almost feel coming from the very letters that stained the yellow paper.
They hadn't written just random words without thought. Someone had taken the time to compile their thoughts and transcribe them onto paper. Thoughts that came straight from the heart, albeit, an aching one.
Unbidden, Ciel felt his heart go out to writer of the note. Unrequited love always seemed harsh and he wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Someone stood up behind him and Ciel stiffened as he tugged his book down to cover up the paper. He let out a sigh as they passed him without a word and he slipped the paper in between the pages of his book.
With only fifteen minutes left of class, Ciel didn't want to risk someone catching him reading the letter. He would have more time to examine it during lunch without the fear of someone peeking over his shoulder.
But knowing that didn't make it any easier to focus on his assignment and like an addictive song, the words continued to play through his mind.
Three words that I yearn to say in my life, but I know I'll never get the chance. So I write the words and cast them out on paper instead. All the while wondering, if I'll ever get to know what it's like to be loved.
Ignotus
.:|Letters of Goodbye|:.
Ciel leaned against the edge of the countertop and spread out the paper once more. The printed words flowed across the page, slightly slanted to the side and written in a crisp black ink. Combined with the folded paper that it came in, the letter felt more like art than the page of poetry that it truly was. Even the written looked like art.
They stood out neatly against the bright yellow page, flowing and looping in a delicate font that looked almost typed. But Ciel could see a few smudges where the writers hand dragged across still wet ink. It added a touch of human element to it and Ciel lightly traced the signed name at the bottom.
Ignotus.
He had spent the better part of his lunch break combining the latest yearbook for the name, only to turn up empty handed. It left him frustrated and Ciel drummed his fingers against the counter as the microwave hummed in the background.
"Come on, Ciel," Elizabeth said suddenly from across the counter and blue eyes rose to look at her, confusion flickering in their depths. "You haven't stopped looking at that paper since you came home and you won't tell me what it's about. At least stop long enough to eat something seeing as you complained earlier about being so hungry."
Ciel shook his head as Elizabeth swept around him to grab her lunch from the microwave. "I'm just stumped," he said and carefully refolded the paper before tucking it into his pockets.
Elizabeth smirked. "The great Ciel admitting to feeling stumped. I never thought the day would come," she teased. "The world must be coming to an end. Alert the police, for Ciel announced that he's stumped."
"Shut up," Ciel said with a scowl and made his way to the pantry, the tips of his ears warm. He could feel Elizabeth's eyes on him the entire time, only vanishing when he entered the small room. He rooted around for a can of ravioli and upon finding one, brought it over to the counter. The contents splashed as he emptied it into a bowl before placing it in the microwave.
"So," Elizabeth prompted and Ciel cringed. "You know I'm not going to drop the subject, Ciel. Whatever is on that paper bothers you. Did someone write you a love letter or something?"
Ciel shook his head. "Something," he muttered and the microwave beeped at him. A heavy sigh escaped him as he reached for the bowl. "Do you know anyone in the school named Ignotus?"
Elizabeth frowned slightly. "Not that I know of," she said and cocked her head. "Why?"
"I just found a letter someone signed with that name," Ciel said vaguely and took a bite of his lunch. His free hand fell to the paper in his pocket. "That's all."
"Ah, I see. Now you want to track down the person who wrote it to quell an itch that's started to form," Elizabeth said, her eyes dancing.
Ciel scooped up some of the sauce with his spoon. "Sounds about right," he said.
She held out her hand. "Let me see the letter. Handwriting can say a lot about a person, as can the context of the letter."
"I thought about that, too," Ciel started and fished out the letter from his pocket again. He held it between his fingers and examined the outside, having already memorized nearly the whole inside. "They're talking about love."
Elizabeth's eyebrows rose slightly. "Unrequited love?" Ciel nodded and she hummed. "Probably a girl then, even though the name sounds more masculine."
Ciel sighed. "The handwriting looked too nice for a guy as well," he admitted and tucked the paper away, unwilling to show it Elizabeth just yet for a reason he couldn't explain. Something about it made Ciel want to keep the letter close and even more, guard the cryptic words that Ignotus wrote. Almost as though he wanted to protect Ignotus.
"So then you're probably looking for a girl," Elizabeth stated as he carried the empty bowl over to the sink. "At least it narrows things down some."
He shrugged. "I'm not sure though," he professed. "Something about it just feels off. Like, I have this gut feeling that a male wrote this."
Elizabeth looked at him. "It's a little hard to say from just one letter, Ciel. You need more than that to make a good guess." She pushed her hair from her face. "And I doubt they wrote more like that."
"They did," Ciel said. "At the top of the letter, it was numbered forty-seven. What if somewhere in the school, they hid the other forty-six?"
"Ciel," Elizabeth started as she stood up from her chair and grabbed her purse. "Do you really think someone has the time to sit down, write all those letters, and then hide them throughout the school?" she asked.
Ciel faltered. "Maybe?" he said, trying desperately to cling to the idea despite how farfetched it sounded. "It could happen if someone really wanted to express their feelings."
Elizabeth sighed slightly. "I doubt it," she said. "I could understand one or two, but forty-seven is a lot."
"I suppose," Ciel mumbled and snatched his keys from the counter. "Let's go. We need to get back before the parking lot becomes too crowded."
"Don't feel so bad, Ciel," Elizabeth said as they walked out to Ciel's car. "It's great that you want to find the person, but you have to look at this logically. Plus, what were you going to do when you found them?"
Ciel paused for a brief moment and then slid into the car. "I don't know," he answered honestly.
What had he hoped for? That they would become friends and he would make them feel better? Ciel almost laughed. No, the only reason he wanted to find out who wrote the letters was nothing more than simple curiosity. Ignotus offered a mystery and Ciel wanted to solve it. Simple as that.
Not only that, he couldn't offer help when he didn't even know the problem. Furthermore, Ciel wasn't sure if he even wanted to help. And who was to say that this wasn't an elaborate joke?
He grunted and backed the car down the driveway, feeling his mood turn sour. He hated that he had allowed himself to get caught up in something so trivial, especially when it wouldn't go anywhere.
Ciel doubted he could even find another letter. And as Elizabeth said, what would he do if he did? He didn't know the writer and the words themselves didn't give away any hints to who they could be.
It left him standing in the middle of field with no direction. All he could do was spin around and take in the endless stretch of prairie grass that he found himself in - feel the tops of the grass against his palms while the blue continued for miles.
Peaceful, but deadly.
It could kill him if Ciel let himself get caught up in the sea of greens and brown. Dragging him down with hunger and thirst, consuming his mind until his thoughts circled around nothing but the yellow piece of paper. As though it were the sun burning brightly above him and Ciel could do nothing but stretch out for it.
And like Icarus, it would send him plummeting back to the Earth with nothing to break his fall.