Title: Top Ten Reasons to Date a Dwarf
Author: Blood Trillium
Fandom: The Hobbit (strictly movieverse)
Summary: Tauriel compares Kili and Legolas. Shirt, light and humorous.
Rating: PG (very mild sexual reference)
Disclaimer: The Hobbit is not mine.
Alone in her room, Tauriel sits down at her desk (let us assume that elves have desks, shall we?) and takes out her secret diary and a pen. She draws a deep breath, opens to a clean page, and begins to write, using her nicest penmanship. This is, after all, exceedingly important.
Top Ten Reasons to Date a Dwarf
1. They are handy, and who doesn't want a man who can fix things?
Here Tauriel mentally notes that the particular dwarf she has in mind, whose name she will not yet commit to paper, is an archer, and can almost certainly fix bows and arrows, among other things. Always a plus. And on that note…
2. Handmade jewelry! Squee!
3. Contrary to popular belief, they wash dishes and clean up flawlessly after meals.
How does Tauriel know this, you might ask, dear reader? Let us assume that she does. Maybe Bilbo told her. At any rate…
4. He can teach me dwarven runes.
5. We can discuss the philosophy of starlight. Other stuff, too.
6. He loves his mom, which is always a good sign.
Here it is increasingly obvious that Tauriel has one particular dwarf very firmly in mind. She smirks and continues…
7. He has sexy hair.
Well, doesn't he? And…
8. He might have anything in his trousers.
Or nothing. But at this point, I don't think Tauriel really believes that.
9. If I keep my secret diary at the back of my highest shelf, he'll never, ever find it.
10. There's a shortage of dwarf women, so I don't have to feel bad about taking him away from someone of his own kind.
Perfect! She could write more, but ten is a nice round number, so that will do for now. With a satisfied smile as she thinks of a certain dwarf, Tauriel turns to a fresh page and labels it, still in her nicest writing:
Top Ten Reasons to Date an Elf
Here Tauriel's face falls a bit, but she gamely numbers 1 through 10.
1. He's a prince. (Of course, his dad has made it clear that we have no chance. But I guess something could happen to his dad, and then he'd be king. Or we could run away together. The first of which seems unlikely to happen, and the second...well, better move on.)
2. He likes me. (But see number 1.)
3. He has pretty hair. (But see number 7 on the dwarf list.)
Tauriel takes this opportunity to turn a page back and read over the dwarf list again, smiling the whole time. Then back to the elf list…
4. He's tall.
5. He
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Tauriel stares at the paper for a long time, but she can't think of anything else to write. What other reasons are there to date that certain elf, anyway? There don't appear to be any at all. The dwarf, on the other hand…well, there's a list of ten right in front of her, and that's only for starters.
Tauriel stands up suddenly and closes her diary. She puts her pen away, then opens her closet (we will assume that elves, being a civilized race, have closets), and carefully stashes her diary at the back of the highest shelf. A dwarf would never even know it was there. She checks her hair in the mirror, finds it flawless, as always (she's an elf, after all), and then sets off to find Kili. Top ten lists, after all, never lie.