a/n: purely crack and humor. There's this post on tumblr (by kageyosenojutsu) which triggered something in me. The summary line is lifted from that.
(And woah, this is like my first M-rated/humor fic ever; hope I won't disappoint!)
definitely your daughter
As the 12-year-old daughter of two highly esteemed shinobi not only in Konoha but in the whole Shinobi world, she knows she probably shouldn't have asked that. But it's unfortunate that the thought only has come to her in a belated realization.
How could she have thought of such a gross thing?
How could she have accused her father of doing such a hideous thing?
How on earth, at her very young age, could she have known what that four-letter word even means?
(If she gets asked about it, she'll just say it was because she's been hanging out too much with Boruto. Or she could say that it's part of Inojin's vocabulary, and it just so happens that she has picked it up unknowingly. Yes, Boruto would definitely throw a tantrum and deny it outright while Inojin would just find it amusing, joke a little and make some witty comments about it, and would just let the matter rest. He wouldn't make a vehement denial about any of it – that's not in his character – and for that she'll be safe.)
(But she did encounter that word somewhere in the house. She can't remember if it was from some magazine or some handwritten note. But she's pretty sure she read "Fuck me" before, like a few months ago, and out of pure curiosity, she googled it – Internet has got to be the best thing since sliced bread! – and had the biggest surprise of her life when in front of the computer screen, she realized and fully understood what those words actually mean.)
She shyly looks up at her father who just briefly meets her eyes before he ever so calmly opens his mouth and addresses her mother.
"Your daughter asked me if I had fucked Karin like 12 years ago."
She waits for the bomb to be dropped.
"Sarada!"
She recoils and frantically waves her hands in front of her.
"I'm sorry Mama. I learned the word from Boruto! I mean, from Inojin!"
Her mother just raises a brow at her, her arms across her chest, and then sighs.
"No, I forgive that." Then, she points towards the only man in the room. "But your father touching another woman? You think he's capable of that?"
Sarada sees her mom giving her father a critical, scrutinizing stare. Sakura rakes her eyes up and down Sasuke's body and Sarada can only swallow the lump in her throat. She feels like at this rate, having another Shinobi war is not really so far-fetched, and the fact that she'll be the reason for it is making her profusely sweat because for sure, Boruto, Inojin, Chouchou, and the rest are going to hound her for it and she's never going to live it down.
"Sakura, you think I'm capable of that?" Sasuke counters with an edge to his tone.
Sarada decides to intervene and literally puts herself between the two adults.
"Mama, no, I don't think Papa can," she laughs nervously, "Or else you'll punch him."
And his balls.
She instantly freezes up at that sudden thought flashing in her head. God. That is definitely from Inojin, too!
(Well, actually, no. She vaguely remembers having read about "cutting someone's balls," and she googled it just the same.)
"I won't just punch him, honey." Her mom is grinning, but it looks scary.
Sarada just knew it. It involves cutting something else.
She looks at her father, fear for his life blooming on her face.
"You know I can never do that, Sakura," he says flatly.
He doesn't seem fazed at all. In fact, he's meeting her mother's stare undauntedly. He's also giving her mother his version of her feral look, but Sarada cannot decipher if it is of anger.
But yes, most probably, it is. Because her mother definitely has a knack for puncturing the male ego.
Her parents' eyes connect on an electrifying level that it terrifies her. She does want to prevent a war from happening, but she's just a child, and she knows the two adults can settle the fight themselves, if they actually want to.
"Papa, Mama. I just want to say that I know now that you are my parents and I'm so thankful for it. So please calm down," she smiles nervously, passing glances at both of them.
They halt their staring contest momentarily to look at her, and Sakura's the first one to get down on her knees and hug her.
"I am so glad, Sarada. You know we love you."
Sarada awkwardly places her arms around Sakura's neck. She wants the affection, but she's not sure if her mom has truly calmed down or if this is just the calm before the storm.
Sarada then looks up at her father who, after a moment, also smiles gently at her.
"You have no reason to doubt that, Sarada."
She just nods and beams at him and finally hugs her mom properly. It seems that everything will be peaceful from now on. Her parents seem to have already dropped the matter and forgotten about what she said and are no longer hostile to each other, so she can probably go out now and tell Chouchou the good news.
She then excuses herself and happily runs to the park where Chouchou is supposedly meeting up with others. She's just so happy she wants to cry.
But when she gets there, none of her friends are to be found, and after about half an hour of looking for them, she decides to just head home for a while and seek them out later. After all, her mother must be cooking some mouth-watering tomato-based meal now. She wouldn't want to be late for dinner!
To her horror, she hears crashing and breaking and thudding when she returns, having entered the house through her window. The troubling noises are coming from one of the rooms on the floor, and unless there's some sort of a mysterious spirit in the Weapons' room, the source can only be her parents' room.
She pales at the thought of them in the process of killing each other. Maybe she's got it wrong. Maybe they're still not okay when she left them.
She then hears her mom give a shrill scream. "Sasuke!"
And she knows her father's probably getting punched already. But she's scared of facing a wrathful Sakura, so she stays rooted on her spot.
The thudding and crashing becomes more insistent, and her mother repetitively screams her father's name in different octaves, and she's just so so afraid to intervene.
But then it becomes painful for her to hear because it seems like her mom's already moaning and panting hard. Probably from too much crying.
She then steels herself and decides to head there to stop their fight. But she stops dead in her tracks when she hears a phrase she understands so well she doesn't even need google.
"Harder. Fuck me."
She immediately sprints back to her room and bolts out her window. She's learned her lesson. She's so never going to make weird presumptions about her parents again.
She is definitely their daughter.
And they might just have another one coming soon.
Dear Kami.
…
Fin.
I'm unabashedly proud of this haha
Please gimme some love and reviews!