Hi guys. Short oneshot. This just struck idk. Im hurting lol. But yeah, I just kind of came up with it thirty mins ago. My life sucks and this is what yall get from it. I tried writing 2nd person pov because it hurts so much more i felt like i was talking to myself. But then again i was lol.

I'll get on the requests as soon as I feel better but for the meantime here ya go.

ALSO, ANGST BECAUSE ITS MY FUCKIN TURF MAN

xCBx

You think about her.

You think about her the second your mind regains consciousness in the morning. And her face is the last thing that you see before you pass out at 3 in the morning.

She is happier.

You try to tell yourself that over and over. You wish you can be that type of person, the one who 'wishes her the best in life' and moves on. You wish that the type of love you have for her is the selfless type.

But no.

And it hurts.

He is there for her. He is there for her like nobody ever was. Not even you. He's there to run his fingers through her auburn locks whenever she feels the need to be held. He kisses her twice before he goes to work every morning and three times when she opens the door for when he gets home. He brings her ice cream when the time of the month comes, with flowers and a goofy grin to go.

He's not afraid to hold her hand in public, which is the unfair part. He kisses her halfway through a sentence when they go out for grocery shopping and never lets her carry more than one bag. He opens the car door for her, and she kisses her cheek in return.

She is indeed happier.

You know this. You know this, why? You know this because you drive by their shared apartment thrice a week and you tell yourself it's just 'cause it's the easier route home. You keep on lying to yourself about this being the last time you're going to do this.

That was maybe three months ago, when you couldn't admit it to yourself that you are the reason why the relationship ended before it even started, when your pride was higher than the empire state and couldn't accept the fact that you miss her. You miss her so much it hurts.

It's been six months now.

That's half the year already. Six months since she slammed your apartment door right to your face, eyes red and puffy from crying, lips quivering, and hands shaking from too much emotion. And you think it's unfair judgment that you broke it down to her that day because you're just itching to break her heart before Christmas. And you did it anyway.

You're an asshole.

But right now, all you want to do is be there for her, like nobody ever was. You want to run your fingers through her beautiful auburn locks whenever she feels the need to be held. You want to kiss her twice before you go to work every morning and three times when she opens the door for when you get home. You wanna tell her how beautiful she looks with her oversized shirt and messy bun, arms clutching her tummy, and bring her ice cream or donuts at four in the morning because she's just worth getting out of bed for.

You wanna hold her hand in public and tell everyone; literally everyone who sees the two of you how proud you are the she is yours. You wanna go grocery shopping with her for the food that you two will try to cook but will probably not eat because the kitchen will end up being a disaster after you make love to her, passionately and recklessly. You wanna kiss her halfway through her sentence because she is just so perfect even when she rambles like that. You wanna open her car door and hold every door to her just so you have the excuse to have her lips against your cheeks. Oh how you miss those lips.

You miss her. So fucking much. And right now, all you can be is sad and alone. You cry because you had a chance to do all that. And you threw it all away. And for what? Just so you can do your stupid noble thing that you do, thinking she's too good for you. You still think that. But right now, all you want to be is better for her.

You wish you could still do all that.

But no, you can't. You broke her. You even told a nasty lie about being into someone else, and that you can never be with a person like her, like telling her you weren't ready to be in that place with someone isn't painful enough. You told her you couldn't work out because you two are too different after you spent a long time building that up, after your spent loving nights together, after you told her everything that hurts and she did the same. You bring her coffee and she loved the sound of your voice in the morning. You led her on, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

You never had the chance to tell her that she was the only person you've had that with, that it may sound cliché and cheesy but you never thought you could fall in love with someone the way you did with her, how you felt the safest when her arms are wrapped around you. You couldn't tell her you wanted all the same things that she wanted from you.

You got scared.

Aubrey says you did the right thing, sparing her from your emotionally damaged self. Stacie says otherwise. She believes you should toughen up and just talk to her already. "She still loves you, Becs."

It's been days since you had a decent night of sleep. You just couldn't stop thinking about how she played her words when the two of you ran into each other while buying Amy a present for her birthday. She'd invited you for coffee and of course, how could you resist? What she said about him got you thinking all night, got you hoping.

"He's great. He's so sweet like, much sweeter than me even, but I don't know. I'm still attracted to people who are rebellious and free-spirited and courageous, you know." She said, after you asked her how she had it in her to trust again, after everything you've done. How could you even dare…

She laughed shortly after and apologized at how ridiculous she was sounding. But she didn't sound ridiculous. Not to you, she didn't. Not even close.

She even complimented you for how you looked and gave you a suggestive smile after, that got your head spinning, jaw hanging, and heart pounding. Was she hinting something?

Because let's face it, you're not that miserable. Sure, you're sad and had turned down every other person who gets interested in you immediately but, you're not that dysfunctional.

But you still see them as you grocery shop at the same place. You see her. You see how happier she is…how she would giggle at every corny joke that he made. You see their fingers interlocked like it's not hard enough to push the cart with two hands. She rubbed her fingers together after she fished for a frozen meat and he took it in his own, blowing warm air into it before he placed a kiss on her forehead.

You just closed your eyes.

Even though you see she's happier.

So you ponder on the words that left her lips that day. We're they true? Was it just to lead you on? Does she just want to get even? Is she purposely doing this to hurt you? Because it's working. And you can take it, you know you can. You can take it all, if this means you get her back after she's had her revenge.

But her smile is so genuine, so stunning, and her laugh, music to your ears.

Only now, it's not because of you. It's because of someone else.

But despite all this, you couldn't bring it to yourself to be mad at her. I mean, how could you? You cannot be mad at her when this is entirely your fault. Not when you get to see her smile like that again. Not when you get to hear her laugh like that again.

And it hurts you. You could've been the one.

You told yourself 'she'll get over it' many times. Little did you know, you're the one who's never gonna get over it. You cringe every time you think about that because she was never yours to lose anyway. And you can't lose what you never had.

But it still hurts.

"What's your plan, Becs?" Emily asked one day they were recording in the studio.

"I don't know. I wait I guess." You reply feebly.

"You wait?"

"I wait."

xCBx

I'm taking oneshots suggestions guys. It turns out, writing helps. So hmu. Tell me what you guys think.