I am currently smacking myself in the face for writing this. Cheers, y'all.
Well," said the author. "Please welcome Associate Professor Hermione Granger of Brown University. Today, she will be presenting her dissertation on the methodical application to writing an extremely popular fanfiction. Before anyone complains or leaves, I assure you she knows what she's doing. I've got her doctorate certificate and NEWT results right here if anyone doesn't believe-"
"Shut up and get on with the story!" Sirius yells. Variations of "Shag me, Sirius!" and kissy noises are heard. Before OC No.1 could take off her clothes and have the story dissolve into a puddle of poorly written sex scenes, Hermione walks in.
"Hello, class." Without another word, she turns around and starts scribbling notes down on the chalkboards in the front. White marks quickly fill up the first three walls, and then Dr. Granger pushes those sliding boards up and her chalk continues to dance on the panels below. No one but Voldemort is paying any attention to what is being written because he's the only one genuinely interested in one of the most powerful influences in a young, pliable teenager's life. Also, he's a full-fledged nerd.
Finally, she finishes and faces the unruly group of college freshmen. Draco, disappointed by the lack of Granger butt to ogle, amuses himself with Potter butt. Which Potter, you don't want to know.
Hermione takes a sip of water and throws her jacket over her shoulder in proper charismatic debater-style.
"Many of you may recognize the term 'fanfiction'" she started, "for it is notorious as a emotionally depressing, life-sucking enterprise. All of you here today read fanfiction. Many of you here today even write fanfiction. But, without this class, all of you today will undoubtedly experience more frustration, disappointment, and eventually failure than your work actually deserves. For how long have we labored excessively over characters, phrasing, and plot? For how many hours have you checked and rechecked and triple-checked your work again? How far-" and here her look was deadly, "have you gone for those pathetic reviews that we agonize over?"
"I bribed people!" said someone that doesn't have to be named.
"I made twenty-six fake accounts!" said someone who has twenty-six reviews on each story.
"I sold my body!" cried Harry, in a fit of emotional honesty, and both his wife, some dark-haired bloke, Mrs. Greengrass, and Luna lick their lips.
"As I suspected," Dr. Granger answered, with a knowing nod. "I have analyzed and compiled data gathered from years of reading fanfiction, and from these vast stores I have derived my conclusions. I present to you," she takes a step back and aims a remote at the projector, "the Fanfictional Method to Popularity."
Anticlimatically, the screen gets stuck halfway down, and Fred and George have to come down to fix the dratted technology.
The Fanfictional Method to Popularity
Add up the points to determine how popular your story will be.
Step 1: Maximize your story's outreach.
"Just as you can only hatch the number of chickens less than or equal to the amount of eggs you originally own," Hermione explained, "you can only obtain less than or equal to the number of visitors your target audience contains."
For each major character on your story's character list, +2.
If the story is in English, +2 (simply due to the sheer amount of registered English-readers on this site.)
If your story has a brightly colored cover, +4.
If your story is categorized under Western, -3.
If the story is a crossover, -5.
Step 2: Size of fan base.
"Since your work is an extension of you, your own popularity is of utmost importance." Hermione says as she shoots Charity Burbage an apologetic glance.
For every person who has favorited or followed your account, +1.
For every 5 reviews, favorites, and follows on your most popular story, +1.
For every 10 posts on the forums this month, +0.25.
For every story you posted a review to in your account this month, +0.5.
For each community your most c-ed story is in, +1.
Step 3: Attraction of story.
"Look like the innocent, sugar or chocolate or lemon-coated flower, but be the serpent underneath it. Yes, I know, this quote is used incorrectly-" Hermione blushes as she notices the irritated glance of Terry Boots, "but the idea is that you have to ensnare poor, unsuspecting, innocent hearts and wrangle them to fanfiction-dependency."
For a summary that makes sense, +3. -3 for the opposite.
For a summary that declares a pairing or proclaims itself as PWP or BDSM or creature!Character or has some type of physically impossible and animalistic mating scenes, +5 (how the mighty have fallen.)
For a summary without spelling or grammatical errors or anything along the lines of "YAY READ ME PLZZ" or "story actually better than summary", +3. Conversely, -2 for the opposite.
For a summary that contains sometimes overused fanfiction plot including but not limited to dark!angsty!vengeful!superpowered!Character, Someone/someone-that-should-have-been-paired-with-this-person-in-canon, and smart!Character, +5.
For a story with more than 500 words per chapter, +10. OR For a story with more than 5000 words per chapter, +30. OR For a story with more than 10000 words per chapter, +45.
For a story currently with X number of reviews, favorites, and follows and Y number of chapters, +X*10/Y.
For a story with OC, -5 times number of OCs.
For a story with self-insert, -5.
For a story without a whole bunch of major spelling or grammatical errors, +5. Conversely, -5 for the opposite.
For a story with nice flow, passable pacing, and good descriptions, +20. +4 for each individual characteristic.
Step 4: Connection to the reader
"The reader is a shy, elusive creature that tends to keep to itself at all times," Hermione says. "Treat it with utmost delicacy, kindness, and care. Oh, and lots of review-prompting."
For every chapter with a casual review-prompt, +1. Maximum: +30pts.
For every chapter with an annoying, all-caps reminder to review, -1.
Pick a random chapter. For every response to review associated with said chapter, as long as there are no more than ten short responses per chapter, +0.5. For every extra response, -0.5. For every extra response that was PMed, +0.5. Maximum: +30pts.
Humor in any of its variations. Something to tell us you aren't a robot, +5.
Pick a chapter. For each reciprocated review for chapter (mwahaha, mutual aid), +1.
Step 5: The Hard Stuff
"This is what separates the best from the Voldemort-" Hermione collapses with a loud thud, surprising half the class into wakefulness.
Actually posting chapters, +3 for each chapter until Chapter 7, then +4 for each chapter beyond Chapter 7 until Chapter 10. Then, +4 for each chapter between Chapter 10 and Chapter 20 if X/Y ratio is less than 5, +6 for each if X/Y ratio is 5-10, +8 for each if X/Y ratio is 10-20, and +10 for each if X/Y ratio is greater than 20. After Chapter 20, +1 per chapter.
Actually posting chapters in a timely manner (within a month of each other,) +5.
If you write chapters that decrease noticeably in quality, -3 for each crappy chapter.
Take your total score and subtract by 100. Try and fail to not to feel bad about losing so many points.
Net Scores:
0-50. Possibly between 0-30 reviews.
50-70. Possibly between 30-100 reviews.
70-90. Possibly between 100-200 reviews.
90-130. Possibly between 200-400 reviews.
130-150. Possibly between 400-800 reviews.
150+. Possibly greater than 800 reviews.
Harry had been bent over the cold body of Hermione for minutes when he finally just decides to screw it all.
The ghost of Hermione Granger returns with the aid of Harry's ring of resurrection. Spellbound students watch with unadulterated fear as her unworldy, ethereal form glows with an angry red pulse and glides over to Professor Trelawney, the local quack. With a sudden ferociousness, the spirit flows into Trelawney through her mouth, her eyes, her nose, her facial pores, her anu-I mean, err, her other bodily openings. Terrified, the quack can only shiver, twitch, and occasionally give out the nonsensical mumble as her mind is dominated by the stronger will.
Professor Quack collapses in an undignified heap. Her mouth opens of its own accord, then proceeds to take a sip of saliva, the closest substitute for a bottle of water, as it prepares itself in proper charismatic debater-style.
"If fault is found in this method of mine, aid is welcomed but don't cross the line, a flamer's rage will be secretly mocked, so if your little threat sputters, please don't be shocked. Ah wha-wha-wha-" Professor Quack sputters back to life.
" R43#!3" Harry shouts after a brief period of shock and a painful flare of disappointment. "I thought she was dead! The (choice words) was the main (colorful language) reason my life was hell!"
The class descends into chaos.
More data is always appreciated!
So, what do you think Harry's choice expletives were? ;)