Don't even ask for this to make sense. Just… don't. Oh, and the NW are the only people who will understand this even a little bit so… Twilight fans, feel free to flame. NWers are OOC. Not every NWer has been included, so apologies if you aren't.
It was a normal day on the NW. PJ and A-Jay, more commonly known as Santa and the Easter Bunny, were discussing their plans for the holidays. Edward Not-Cullen was discussing music. Chase was explaining something else that had happened in her totally awaesome life. Kitty was watching A Very Potter Musical, and Ela (more commonly known as Rufus the Naked Mole Rat) was observing over her shoulder. Clara and Alice Not-Cullen and Devo were sitting in the corner, making a dramatic episode of Star Trek Girls and wondering where on earth Kitkat was. Various other NWers were involved in their daily activities and causing general pandemonium.
"SHUT THE EFF UP," Audio snarled above the noise, brandishing her quill at the people nearest her. "I'M TRYING TO DO MY POTION'S HOMEWORK." Audio, you see, was a wizard. Well… witch.
Suddenly, in a flash of purple smoke, Kitkat burst through the door. There was purple smoke because Kitkat was The Writer and therefore was allowed to be a Mary Sue and have cool effects like that. "GUYS!" she screamed, shutting the crowd up much more effectively than Audio. "I FOUND OUT WHERE THE CULLENS LIVE!"
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then, "They're… real," Ninja said. It wasn't really a question, more of a disbelieving statement. (Ninja wasn't really a ninja.) "Oh, for the love of all that's holy, they're bad enough when they're fictional characters" –
"I know!" Kitkat yelled. "BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? THIS MEANS THAT WE CAN IRRITATE THE CRAP OUT OF THEM!"
A smile was slowly spreading across the faces of most of the NW.
"Let's do it," Disa said, looking slightly crazed with happiness at this opportunity. Everyone within a three yard radius of her took two steps back.
---
The Cullen's doorbell rang. Bella, consumed with thoughts of the perfect, icy planes of Edward's face, the contours of the muscles on his chest, the way his topaz eyes reflected so much depth, was too lost in her contemplations of love to answer it. Edward shoved her off his lap and got up to answer the door.
"NO! EDWARD!" Bella yelled, sobbing brokenly. "You c-c-can't leave me again!"
"Oh, darling!" Edward cried, falling to his knees beside his true love. "I could never leave you! I love you with a passion that burns with fire as bright as the stars, I" –
"MOM! DAD!" Renesmee shouted. "For God's sake, get a grip!" This was, of course, a normal happening in her household and she was considering eloping with Jacob in Vegas just to get away from all of it. Oh, overemotional vampires. What a joy.
Alice's face suddenly went blank. When the light came back into her eyes, she gasped, "Don't. Open. That. Door."
"I think I'm gonna go open the door," Emmett said cheerfully, not hearing a word his sister had said despite his super vampire hearing.
Alice shook her head with an 'I can't believe I live with these idiots' expression on her face.
In the doorway stood a teenage girl that none of them knew. "If you're selling girl scout cookies," Emmett said, "we don't eat."
"Ooh, you do look scary and dangerous," the girl said brightly, stepping neatly around him and into the house. "Hello, Cullens! I'm Ninja, your personal stalker! If you put one toe out of line, I'll have my minions in here so fast you won't be able to say 'sparkle'!"
"I told you," Alice muttered under her breath.
"What the hell…" Jasper started.
Ninja frowned. "Backsassing and asking questions are putting toes out of line, silly vampires," she said, still with the smile on her face. She seemed to enjoy watching their reactions to the fact that she knew their secret. "Annoyances, assemble!" she yelled in the general direction of the door.
"Oh god," Edward and Alice said at the same time.
"Audio, Chase, Piperr, Paige, Devo, Zain, TCO, Kitty, LJ, Doop, and Danialle," Ninja introduced them as they walked through the door.
"I'm not Audio," the girl called Audio said. "I'm Grizzly Rabbi."
"Oh," Emmett said. "That explains why you're wearing a bear suit."
"I also have a flamethrower that doubles as a wand," Audio/Grizzly Rabbi said, narrowing her eyes dangerously. "Don't mess with me."
"Dude," LJ said, his eyes wide as he stared at Emmett. "Can you show me how to work out?"
"Um…" Emmett replied uncertainly.
"You have got to be kidding me," Renesmee sighed. "Can I leave?"
"Ness!" Bella gasped, looking like she might start sobbing again. "You need to be with us in our time of extreme peril! You can't desert us! My own… daughter…"
"If you weren't such idiots," Renesmee said dryly, "we wouldn't have this problem, now, would we?"
"I like the way you think," Doop and Chase said in unison.
"Hey, guys, what's" – Jacob started, walking through the door. He paused, glancing at Audio's bear suit. "Wow."
"Wait," Devo said, frowning confusedly. "Is this a fanfiction? Shouldn't Edward and Jacob be killing Bella and fighting over me? Why does Renesmee exist? I'm so confused!" She stared into the glass windows on the opposite side of the room. "WHY AREN'T MY EYES CHANGING COLOR?"
"Um, Devo?" Piperr said uncertainly. "Are you… okay…?"
"Yeah, I'm definitely leaving," Nessie decided. She grabbed Jacob's arm, pushed through the clod of annoyances, and raced out the door. Nobody bothered to stop her. It wasn't her fault she was born into a family with such issues.
"You were wearing a different outfit before," Alice observed, gesturing to TCO. TCO grinned. "The old one was prettier," Alice complained.
"Now, what's this about?" Carlisle asked calmly, walking down the stairs with Esme and looking curiously over the crowd.
"Can you show me how to work out?" LJ asked again.
"Can we kill them?" Jasper pleaded.
"I am so gorgeous," Rosalie, who had randomly appeared in the middle of the room, mused.
"I'm tired," Kitty complained suddenly. "Can't we just be Death Eaters?"
"Paige! Danialle! Look out!" TCO screeched, lunging forward and knocking Paige and Danialle off their feet before Edward's flying shape could kill them.
"Edward!" Bella gasped, horrified and also awed by the grace and perfection of his leap, the timed accuracy of the attack…
"Oh, no you don't!" Audio/Grizzly Rabbi hissed, whipping out her wand. "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"
So saying, she left Edward immobilized on the floor and proceeded to immobilize the rest of the Cullens. Even Carlisle looked thoroughly annoyed.
"Hey!" Zain called. "Time for the explainers to get in here! We've done our job!"
Even more people began to file in, crowding around the prone shapes of the Cullens. Several pulled up chairs, almost dancing with delight. The normally open living room had suddenly become very packed and crowded.
"This is Clara, Evvy, Indigo, Fyodor, Disa, Pascal, and Phillipe," Ninja introduced them politely. "Phillipe is a vampire."
Audio/Grizzly Rabbi courteously lifted the spell on the Cullens, with a warning glare telling them not to try anything funny. "No, he's not," Rosalie said, frowning. "He's not beautiful enough."
"Shallow," Pascal muttered.
"We're here," Clara said, "to explain to you what is wrong with Edward and Bella's relationship, and what's wrong with you guys in general." Edward opened his mouth to protest. Bella shushed him.
"Now, Bella," Evvy said, "why do you love Edward?"
"Um, because he's gorgeous?" Bella said with a 'DUH' expression on her face.
"You see, that's the problem," Evvy said. "There's no real love there. It's just infatuation. It'll wear off and then you'll be stuck in this immortal body for eternity with an immortal kid. How's that going to work out for you?"
"Well, the immortal kid looks like she wants to get the hell out of the house," Indigo pointed out, "so there might not be an issue there."
"Hmm. True."
"And Edward," Pascal asked, "what's wrong with you? You're an abusive stalker!"
"Excuse me?" Edward spluttered.
"You crawl through her window at night," Fyodor said, "you locked her in a house to keep her 'safe'…"
"You emotionally abused her," Clara picked up, "and…"
"You should stop before somebody's head gets ripped off," Edward growled. Bella cringed into his side.
"Edward," she sobbed pitifully. "Why are you so… so violent all of a sudden?"
"I could have you on the ground so fast you'd…" Edward continued, not listening to Bella (for once).
"That," Disa interrupted fluidly, leaning nonchalantly back against the wall, "is not compatible with the laws of physics. The friction generated by such extreme force would…" She continued on into a long scientific explanation that had the rest of the NWers and Cullens extremely confused. "Anyway," she concluded finally, "failpire is fail."
"Speaking of failpires," Phillipe said, standing up. "You are not real vampires. Vampires do not sparkle. We burn. And we have fangs," he added, smiling and showing pointed teeth. "And there's none of this gorgeous swoon stuff, either. You are pathetic, wimpy fairies." He sat back down again.
"So," Ninja asked. "Has everybody said what they wanted to?"
"Yep!" Clara said brightly. "Hey… where's Kitkat?"
"I'm back here," Kitkat said, sitting at the back of the room and munching on popcorn. "This is the most entertainment I've had in a while."
"Bring in the slayers!" Ninja said.
"Wait… slayers?" Rosalie asked.
Audio almost lazily Body-Bind-Curs'd them all.
In filed even more people. This was not a gathering for the claustrophobic. Ninja was continuing with the polite introductions, the names rolling off her tongue. "Sha, Nunu, Herman, Edward Awaesome, Jay, Arti, Piney, Kaitlin, Ronnie, Alice Awaesome, Atkid, and Wolfie," she said cheerfully.
Edward Cullen snorted at the last name, despite the Body Bind Curse. That took talent.
"I kill in odd and creative ways," Wolfie said.
Alice Awaesome shrugged. "I usually stick to zombies, but… hey, vampires are always fun, too," she said.
"Dibs on Edward," Edward Awaesome called. "I want revenge on him for soiling my name."
"Herman the German," Herman corrected Ninja. "And I call dibs on Jasper. Because I can."
"I want Bella," Atkid announced. Everybody lapsed into silent reverence when she spoke, for Atkid was The Most Reknowned Slayer.
Atkid poked Bella's heart with a stick. "Die," she said.
Bella didn't die.
Edward Awaesome was just advancing on Edward – who looked furious – when a shape came barreling into the house.
"NO!" the shape screamed, standing in front of the failpires and spreading her arms wide, blocking them. "Don't kill them!"
"Rita…?" Ronnie asked in disbelief. "This is a betrayal of the deepest kind!"
"I. Don't. Care," Rita said calmly. "I am a Twihard of the deepest nature. Don't you dare kill them."
"I'm in agreement!" another voice yelled from the back of the crowd. Everyone whipped around to see… Michelle?
"Michelle," Nunu said. "Don't do this."
"Too late," Michelle said.
"Well…" Kaitlin sighed. "I suppose in an effort to make everybody happy, we ought to spare them."
"Anticlimatic," Kitkat muttered under her breath.
"Can we at least take Edward's arms?" Jay requested.
Michelle shrugged. "Um, sure?"
Arti very happily ripped off Edward's arms and the NWers skipped joyfully out of the house. Audio almost forgot to lift the curse, but then she didn't.
Piney was lagging behind the others, so she was the only one who saw Seth and Embry come out of the forest. Thankfully, they were both wearing clothes. Seth and Embry were both staring at her, too.
She broke from the group and raced over to them. "Oh my god! I love you two!" she gasped. Even though she was a Cullen-hatin' vamp slaya', that didn't mean she couldn't love her wolvesies.
"I think I just imprinted," Seth and Embry said at the same time. Then they turned to stare at each other in horror. "You just imprinted? I just imprinted!" Then they both began shaking, preparing to fight each other to the death.
"Hey, guys!" Piney yelled. "I'm sorry that I'm so awesome you both imprinted on me! But there's enough me to go around."
Embry stopped shaking. Seth, however, exploded into a wolf. Embry very awesomely pulled Piney out of harm's way and kissed her.
"I feel different," Piney said suddenly. Then she exploded into a wolf. Then she turned back into a human, and her clothes magically popped back into existence because Audio's magical witch powers were rubbing off on her. "Embry, your wolfy spit turned me into a werewolf," she said.
Embry suddenly looked shocked and horrified and disgusted with himself and like he'd need serious therapy for the rest of his life to get over the guilt of his existence.
"I love you!" Piney yelled, throwing her arms around his neck.
Seth growled jealously.
Don't ask. Just… don't. I was getting tired by the end of this, can you tell?