Chapter One
Deacon Claybourne sat in the passenger seat of his nieces car looking glumly out the window as she chattered on and on about everything he didn't care about. He had stepped out of jail no more than twenty minutes ago and all he wanted to do was take a shower and sleep in his own bed. Instead he was being greeted home by an over enthusiastic Scarlett who would not shut up about how glad she was that he was finally coming home. It wasn't that he wasn't happy to be out, it was just that he had no idea what he was walking out of the jail to.
He had spent the last couple weeks staring at the ceiling in his cell trapped in his thoughts and sorrows, wishing more than once that his punishment would be worse than stale food, and a daily visit from Scarlett swearing she was going to get him out no matter how many times he said for her to leave him alone. 'A need for punishment.' That phrase had been thrown around a time or two by his forced upon lawyer who swore up and down she could prove he was innocent no matter how many times he said he wasn't. She had thrown out medical terminology and proof of Rayna's injuries that he hadn't been driving drunk, that he hadn't been what caused the accident but he had refused to acknowledge it.
Truth was - he wasn't driving, but if he hadn't been drinking she wouldn't have been driving either, but if she hadn't lied to him neither of them would be in the situation they were in. It was a constant losing circle that he refused to let cycle out no matter how hard people pushed him to talk about it. Talking about it wasn't going to change anything and it sure as hell wasn't going to fix the last thirteen years so he didn't see the point of bothering.
"…and you have an appointment tomorrow for your hand." He had tuned in to Scarlett right as the last words of her sentence had flown out of her mouth causing him to jerk his head to look at her for the first time since he met her outside the jail.
"I ain't going to a doctor, Scarlett. My hand is fine." Deacon scowled done tired of her meddling no matter how much deep down he was grateful for it. She glared at him looking at his useless hand wordlessly as it lay in his lap as if she was trying to prove a point.
"You can't move it, Deacon. It's not fine and you're going, I don't care if I have to drag you kicking and screaming, you're going to get it checked out. End of story." She stated firmly and he rolled his eyes and sighed as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. It had been handed to him by her as well as his satchel and a few other belongings she figured he needed right away. He hadn't even bothered turning it on, not wanting to see the texts messages come through of good wishes and prayers. He didn't want them nor did he deserve them, but he looked anyways before giving up half way through and just looking back out the window.
The sudden vibration in his hand startled him as he looked down at an incoming call, his heart stopping as her name flashed on the screen. Rayna. Her name was both a blessing and a curse that sent a million emotions through him as she read it over carefully frozen as to what to do. Before he could make a decision on whether to answer it or not her name was gone and he felt a sigh of relief wash over him. She was alive but the torture of what she did kept bubbling up and he couldn't get rid of the taste of fury that came with every thought of her.
He had spent every second of his time in jail thinking of her and the situation she had put them in. He had continuously when through the motions of being terrified and pissed at her, scared to death that she wasn't going to make it and infuriated that he had let himself love her despite what she had done. No matter how many days and hours he sat in deep thought over the situation he still wasn't over it, he wasn't sure he ever would be.
Yet her name still flashed on his phone sending a chill down his spine that he hated it and he huffed as his voicemail notification came up, before shoving the damn phone down in his satchel refusing to deal with it.
"Thanks." He murmured sometime later as they pulled in front of his house. He knew she was living there again but all he wanted was from time alone. "You mind if you give me a bit… readjust or somethin'?" Deacon asked though he was bracing himself for her lecture on him being alone right now, but was pleasantly surprised when she only nodded and leaned over to kiss his scruffy cheek.
"Can't wait to see you clean shaven." Scarlett murmured with the same warm smile on her face that always made him feel better even when he didn't want to. Giving her a half assed smile back he nodded to her before sighing as he made his way out of the car and into his home. The last time he was in it he was destroying it, but he wasn't surprised to find that Scarlett had put it back together. Putting his bag on the counter he rubbed his face with his good hand almost nervous to be home alone. The urge to drink had disappeared the second he woke up in the jail ward and learned of Rayna's injuries, yet the cold memories still crept back to him as he walk around almost like he had forgotten what his home looked like.
They had spent weeks sneaking around with each other, falling into each other's arms every chance they had getting reacquainted to one another and loving every second of it. Time and time again he had woken up with her snuggled into his chest and he had thought he was dreaming. He couldn't imagine life getting better than it was with her finally back in his life and the two of them getting to love each other just as they always should have. They had made love one very inch of his house like they had never made love before and that was all he saw as he looked around. All he saw was the two of them together, her sweet laughter, and the promise to love each other right this time. Every memory came crashing down as he looked at his front door and saw Maddie standing there in tears proclaiming that she thought he was her father. His stomach sank as the memory flooded his senses and he once again thought he was going to puke. The lies, the heartbreak, the booze, it all became real once again and for a second Deacon wished he was back in a jail cell ignoring the pain.
He slid down the wall his face in his hands as he breathed in slowly, his eyes wet and his heart racing wishing it for it all go away. Needing for it to all go away. All he wanted was a drink, all he wanted was to disappear and never come out again. Yet he was plagued with the accident, plagued with the thoughts of having a daughter who might need him. Or did she want nothing to do with him? He wasn't sure what he wanted to do, but all he knew was the hell he was in felt like it was just beginning.
The pain he was in worsened as he forced himself off the floor and into the shower, his emotional turmoil turning into physical agony as he tried to maneuver with no function in his left hand. The pain was unbearable as he tried to rehab it himself just by moving his fingers ever so slightly, but nothing seemed to help. He had refused to take anything for the pain and stuck with just dealing with it. If anything the pain reminded him of what he done and what he had to deal with.
A need for punishment was beginning to sound more and more like the truth.
Clean and shaven, Deacon sat on his bed after almost a hour of struggling with the basic tasks of grooming himself just staring at his phone again. The voicemail stared violently at him almost taunting him as he finally hit play and shakily held the phone to his ear.
"Hey." Her voice was broken, barely audible, likely from the breathing tube that had been put in place. "It's me." He listened his stomach in knot as he tried to determine if he could handle listening to it or not. "I, er, I wanted to talk to you – see you maybe. I don't know. I just… can you call me? Let me know you're doing okay? Thanks… bye." Throwing his phone down he cursed as he lay down on the bed conflicted and exhausted.
Hearing her voice had thrown a wrench in his plans to ignore her for the rest of his life. In fact, hearing her voice had only made things ten times worse. It brought to late that despite spending the last couple weeks hating her, he still loved her just the same.
So recently I started (another) Nashville rewatch and on came the flood of head canons which brings you this feeler chapter to a complete and probably insane redo of s2-whenever I stop. Let me know what you think and enjoy!