Greetings!
I needed to take a little break from Shattered Wings, and this is the result. This is a gift fic for Mymomomo, for drawing that awesome picture of the Hitsugaya in Shattered Wings. There's a link to it on my profile. The prompt was "vacation". I don't know if this counts as a vacation, but you didn't specify that the story should be light and funny. I tend to go towards the angsty side of things, and here is the result.
Enjoy!
5/4/15
Before His Time
The stench of death surrounded Matsumoto Rangiku, making her eyes water and her nose run. Men lay dead or dying nearby; loyal men with friends and loved ones that would never see them again. Men she'd worked with, trained, and shared the ups and downs of life in the 10th division with; men that she would never speak to again.
"Matsumoto-fukutaichou, I need to tend to your injuries," someone said from behind her. She turned to see a young man from the 4th division coming towards her, his face set in an unreadable mask.
"I'm fine," she said, glancing down at the twin gashes on her left arm, her only injury. "There are other people that need more help. Go tend to them."
The 4th division member looked torn, since no one else had survived, but decided to follow Matsumoto's order and went to the first body to see if, maybe, there was a pulse. Matsumoto watched him momentarily, until a spot of white caught her eye. Her captain was kneeling beside of one of the fallen soldiers. Hitsugaya studied the man for a while and then ran his hand over the man's face, closing the dead man's eyes. The young captain then closed his own eyes and said something that Matsumoto couldn't hear, before getting to his feet. For a moment, Hitsugaya's emotions showed on his normally stoic face, a face that looked way too young to display such grief and pain. When Hitsugaya noticed her watching him, however, he schooled his features into a mask of aloofness.
"How badly are you hurt?" he asked, his voice devoid of the grief she'd briefly seen.
"Not bad," she said, holding up her arm. "One of the Hollow's claws grazed my arm. What about you?"
Hitsugaya shrugged. "I'm fine," he said, even though the blood on his face and the back of his haori said otherwise. "What the hell happened here?" Hitsugaya continued. "How could that many strong Hollows get this far into Seireitei and kill four shinigami?"
Matsumoto didn't have an answer to that. The squad had been sent on a routine patrol to an area of Soul Society that was not usually plagued with Hollows. The emergency call had been their first indication that something was wrong and, by the time Matsumoto and Hitsugaya had arrived, everyone in the squad was dead. Matsumoto and Hitsugaya had both engaged the Hollows and, ultimately, destroyed them.
"I don't know," she answered. "We might never know."
Without another word to her, Hitsugaya issued orders for the 4th division members to transport the dead back to Seireitei for further investigation. He called back to the 10th division to have a team of investigators sent out here to scour the scene for any clues of what might have happened. He sent a message to Yamamoto-soutaichou, giving him a brief report, and then sent a message to Unohana-taichou telling her to expect the dead bodies of his former squad members.
Hitsugaya did all of this the way he did everything else: efficiently and without a trace of doubt or regret. To most people, the young captain seemed ruthless, cold, and uncaring. He was efficient, logical, and followed rules to an extreme. He was very effective in his duties and, five years after being promoted to the position of captain, the talk about Hitsugaya being too young and inexperienced for the job had finally stopped.
Matsumoto didn't see a cold and ruthless person when she saw her captain, however. She saw a young man who used to smile, who used to love to sit on rooftops in the summer and eat watermelon, and who even used to joke around with her and their former captain. Hitsugaya had never had the most outgoing of personalities, but the last five years as captain of the 10th division had completely closed what little openness there had been.
"Matsumoto-fukutaichou?"
The 4th division member's voice brought her out of her thoughts. "Yes?"
"Hitsugaya-taichou told me to come heal your injuries," the young man said, afraid of being sent away again.
Matsumoto looked at Hitsugaya at the other end of the clearing, who was looking pointedly at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Have you healed the captain's injuries?" Matsumoto asked.
"He healed himself," the young man answered.
Matsumoto wasn't surprised to hear that; the captain hated being a burden to others. Sighing, she held her arm out and let the healer do his work. She'd watched Hitsugaya close himself off from his friends, his division, and, especially, from her, in order to become the person everyone else wanted him to be. She'd let him, knowing that he needed, more than anything, to prove to himself that he could handle the job that had been given to him way before it should have been. Underneath the mantle of responsibility was still a very young man with hopes, fears, and feelings. No amount of responsibility would ever change that.
Matsumoto resolved to herself that she would find a way to let him express some of those feelings… or die trying.
A week later, an idea came to Matsumoto, and she decided on a cool, summer day to carry it out.
"It's a beautiful day today, isn't it Hitsugaya-taichou?"
From his desk across the office from hers, Hitsugaya looked at her, his brows furrowed in his ever-present frown. "What of it?" he asked.
"Just that it seems like such a waste of a perfect day to be stuck inside working," she said, smiling. "Don't you think?"
Hitsugaya looked like he had to forcefully drag his attention away from the performance reviews he was working on to look out the window and notice the sunshine outside. Their office had a view of one of the many courtyards in the compound; this one had a small pond, a garden, and a couple of benches for meditating or simply sitting outside to enjoy nature.
"I suppose it is a nice day," he finally said. "You can go off and enjoy it if you'd like," he added as he turned to face her. "There's not much you can do with these reviews, anyway, since they require my approval."
Matsumoto walked over to her captain's desk and leaned her hip against it, which forced Hitsugaya to look up at her.
"A nice day like this should be shared. Why don't we both go enjoy it?"
Hitsugaya shook his head. "I need to finish these, Matsumoto."
"Come on, Toushirou," she said. "It'll be like old times. You, me, the forest, and all the watermelon we can eat!"
She hadn't used his given name much after his promotion, but she still did it every now and then, mainly to remind him that they've known each other for most of his career and that they do share a friendship outside of the job.
His lips curled up slightly in what could have been a smile. "I am a bit hungry," he said. "I skipped breakfast this morning."
"It's settled, then!" Matsumoto said, clapping her hands. "I'm going to go raid the kitchen for supplies and you're going to meet me at the front gate in 15 minutes. If you bring any paperwork, I'm going to destroy it."
"Fine, no paperwork," Hitsugaya said in a tone that said he'd been thinking about doing exactly that.
They walked to their favorite spot on the outskirts of the Kuchiki property in silence. The Kuchiki family valued their privacy over everything else, so they'd surrounded their compound by tall trees. It provided them a shield from prying eyes, but it also provided Hitsugaya and Matsumoto a forest-like escape without actually having to go to the forest in Rukongai. Their favorite clearing was in the middle of a dense pack of trees, and only someone who knew where they were going could find it. Hitsugaya had found it after he'd joined the 10th division and was looking for a private place to meditate. He'd shared the spot with Matsumoto not long after.
"The place has grown thick with shrubs and overgrowth," Hitsugaya commented as they arrived.
They spent 15 minutes clearing the overgrowth so that their small space was clean again. When they were done, Hitsugaya's hunger had returned. He helped Matsumoto take everything out of the basket she'd brought with her and was surprised at the amount of food she'd been able to pack in it.
"The cook is going to come after you for taking all of his supplies," Hitsugaya commented as she took out a huge, already sliced, watermelon.
Matsumoto laughed. "Not to worry," she said. "Once I told him it was for you, he was more than happy to give me what I needed. He said you need to eat more so you can grow."
Hitsugaya's jaw clenched before he could stop it, and the darkening of Matsumoto's eyes told him that she'd noticed. Damn it, this was not the time to be dwelling on his lack of self-confidence about his looks.
"What gave you the idea for a picnic?" Hitsugaya asked as he picked what he wanted out of the spread. "We haven't done this in a long time, not since…" he cut himself off, not wanting to bring up Shiba-taichou into the conversation. He wasn't a good subject for either one of them.
Matsumoto shrugged. "I just thought it'd be fun. You've been looking rather tired lately and I thought you could use a break."
Hitsugaya thought about that as he munched on a rice ball. His days were filled with one thing after another, so much so that he'd started staying at the office even later. He was pulled away for meetings so often that he barely had time to interact with the members of his division, and the training sessions that he'd used to have with them had to be assigned to the new 3rd seat because he no longer had the time. It was irritating, but it was also necessary. He had other things to worry about now.
"Things are what they are," he said noncommittally. "Everything has to get done."
He'd always worked hard and gotten his assignments done on time, but there was not enough time in the world now for him to finish everything. The incident last week with the Hollows was still under investigation, and he'd just recently gone to talk to the men's families. The thought sent a pang of guilt rushing through him at the thought that he'd failed them.
"Not everything has to get done today," Matsumoto replied.
He looked up at her, angry. How could she possibly understand – but the anger died after he saw her face. She wasn't judging; she was concerned. It was something that Matsumoto rarely displayed, but that Hitsugaya had always known lived there, under the surface. He'd seen it the day Matsumoto had told him to become a shinigami, and again the day he'd learned that their captain wasn't coming back.
"You've changed so much in the past 5 years," Matsumoto said when Hitsugaya didn't speak. "I wonder if that easily irritated, annoying little kid is still in there somewhere."
"I'm not a child," he said, angry once again.
"Physically, you are," Matsumoto said. She put down her plate and came over to sit next to him. "Just because your age labels you as a child doesn't mean that you can't handle the responsibilities that have been given to you. You've shown that much already."
"What does it mean, then," he asked, setting down his plate hard and causing some of the food to fall off. He'd lost his appetite. He knew that Matsumoto meant well, she always did, but it didn't mean that he didn't feel like she'd set him up.
"Coping mechanisms are different," Matsumoto said. "I drink; you've pulled away from everyone. You give a good impression that nothing bothers you, but I know different. I saw it when we were in Rukongai after that Hollow attack."
Hitsugaya shifted and looked away. His hands lay on his lap, and he resisted the urge to clench them.
"What would you have me do, Matsumoto?" he finally said, his voice rough with anger. "Would you rather I run scared when a Hollow attacks me or the division? Should I sit at my desk and cry at the amount of work I have to do? If I do that, the other captains will eat me alive and have me replaced. Would that be a better option for you?"
Hitsugaya expected Matsumoto to blow up and start yelling at him, but she didn't. When he looked up at her again, her face was calm and she was looking at him kindly. One of her hands brushed through his hair, and he resisted the urge to slap it away.
"You're so silly sometimes, Hitsugaya-taichou," she said. "I'm worried because you're bottling everything up inside. That's not healthy for anyone, especially for a young man."
Hitsugaya's brows rose in confusion as he continued to stare at his vice-captain. She was worried because he was bottling up his feelings?
"I always do that," Hitsugaya admitted. "That's not new."
Matsumoto chuckled. "This is where the silliness comes in, because you haven't even noticed it."
"Noticed what?" Now he was really confused.
"You've been so caught up in the job, in the responsibilities, that you're losing the Hitsugaya Toushirou that you were. Do you remember him, the kid who would yell at his captain and vice-captain for being lazy, steal his captain's food, and leave work on time to go find a roof somewhere to eat watermelon?"
"I can't do those things anymore, Matsumoto," Hitsugaya said, sadness in his voice. "Now I have to tell families that their loved ones are dead, tell Yamamoto why I failed to keep them alive, and make sure that everyone in the division has what they need and is functioning well. Afternoons in rooftops are no longer an option."
"You have a point, but afternoons on rooftops or with a friend having a picnic every once in a while are allowed," she countered. "You won't be neglecting the division if you take a little time for yourself."
He didn't know how to explain to her how he felt or why he worked so hard. He didn't know how to articulate the fear of failure that constantly gnawed at his insides and invaded his dreams. How could he admit to her that he was afraid he was going to fail her and everyone else? How could he tell her that he was afraid his immaturity would get her killed?
"Talk to me," she said when the silence had stretched for a while. "I see the struggle in your eyes. Don't shut me out."
It was tiring, keeping all the emotions locked up tight. The thought of opening up to Matsumoto was tempting, but once something was brought out into the open, it could never be taken back.
"I'm never going to be good enough," Hitsugaya finally said, his voice a mere whisper. "I'll never be as good of a captain as he was."
He looked away as soon as he'd spoken the words, not wanting to see the ridicule he was sure he'd find in Matsumoto's eyes. She surprised him when she put both hands on his cheeks and turned his head towards her.
"Shiba-taichou was a great captain," she said, her eyes sparkling in the afternoon sun. "But you are your own person, your own captain. You don't have to be as good as he was; all you have to be is as good as you can be."
Hitsugaya moved his head out of reach, causing Matsumoto's hands to fall to her lap. "Four people just died under my command," he said. "They followed my orders and now they'll never return."
"That's the nature of the responsibilities that you carry," Matsumoto said. "Shiba-taichou lost people under his command. Hell, he almost lost you right after you joined the division. Do you remember that?"
Hitsugaya flinched, and his abdomen ached in remembered pain. That was one incident he would never forget.
"Yes, I remember," he answered.
"Did you think less of him after that? Did that incident, which he couldn't control, make you question his orders?"
"No."
"You couldn't have predicted the incident with the Hollows. You sent the men out there on a routine patrol. How can you blame yourself for something you couldn't have foreseen?
Hitsugaya didn't have an answer for her.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Hitsugaya-taichou," Matsumoto said. "You can't divine the future, even though I think you sometimes wish you could."
Matsumoto's brilliant smile at that moment caused warmth to spread through him at the though of having this wonderful, caring woman by, and more importantly on, his side. He couldn't help but smile in return.
"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Matsumoto asked. She moved to her side of the blanket and picked up her plate again. "What else is going on in that head of yours?"
Hitsugaya picked up his food as well and resumed munching on the rice ball. He talked to Matsumoto like he hadn't talked to anyone in a long time. He felt, for the first time, that maybe things would be okay and that maybe the captaincy wasn't going to swallow him whole after all.
Matsumoto looked down at her sleeping captain and grinned. He always looked so peaceful when he slept. He even lost the frown that always seemed to be on his face when he was awake.
They'd eaten, talked, and then eaten some more. After their watermelon had been devoured, Matsumoto had suggested that they both lie down and try to relax a bit under the shade of the trees. Hitsugaya had reluctantly agreed and had ended up falling asleep. Matsumoto took it as a sign that he was exhausted and resolved to get on his case more about getting proper sleep.
She thought back to the conversation they'd had and what Hitsugaya had shared with her. She was surprised at how open he'd been about his doubts and insecurities, but she was glad that he'd felt comfortable enough to share.
She'd wondered how long it would take Hitsugaya to start comparing himself to their previous captain. Shiba-taichou had, after all, been very important to Hitsugaya. His disappearance had been hard on all of them, but it had been especially hard on the young man. Hitsugaya had always wanted to make Shiba-taichou proud, and it sucked that he'd never get the chance to hear their former captain say that he was proud.
Matsumoto had never worried that Hitsugaya wouldn't be able to take on the responsibilities of the position. Her worry had been about what kind of price he'd have to pay to be able to function in an adult world that could be so cruel and unforgiving to kind people like Hitsugaya. After their conversation today, she had hope that he would be willing to share the burden with her, at least, and resolved to be there for when things got rough.
She watched Hitsugaya sleep for about an hour, noting that he seemed to be having nightmares. She'd ask him about it next time, for sure. When he started to awaken, Matsumoto busied herself with putting up the food that they hadn't eaten and packing the trash so that she could properly dispose of it.
"How long did I sleep?" Hitsugaya asked around a yawn.
"About an hour," she replied, thinking that he looked rather boyish as he rubbed his eyes with his fists and ran his fingers through his hair to settle it down a bit. She'd never tell him that, though.
"You should have woken me up, Matsumoto, I…"
He trailed off when she raised a hand. "You needed the sleep. Let's leave it at that, shall we?"
"Fine," he said, and helped her put away the remaining stuff.
They walked back to their division in comfortable silence. Hitsugaya was no longer as wound up as he'd been on the way to the picnic. He still looked tense and tired, but that came with the job.
"Thank you, Matsumoto," he said as they entered their office. "I enjoyed it."
She grinned. "Wonderful! Then you won't mind if I start making plans with the chef for next week."
He frowned. "What's next week?"
"Our next picnic, of course! It's summer. We should have many more sunny days to come."
Hitsugaya's eyes told her that he understood her meaning, which made her grin even more.
"Do what you want, but hurry up and finish your paperwork from yesterday. It's due tomorrow!"
"Yes, Hitsugaya-taichou; I'll be right back!"
She left the office happily swinging the basket of leftovers she'd brought back. All she'd done was offer him a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. Nothing earth-shattering, but if it kept the easily angered, annoying little kid that he'd been from completely disappearing, then she would count it as a success.
The End
Well, what did you think? Reviews are encouraged, as always.